37 & waiting to try, but circumstances are never right for TTC. Feeling very down

[LostLulu]

I’ve had trouble finding somewhere to seek support for my situation; this is the only place I have found so far that seems to have a few posts on a similar theme.

The “In a Nutshell” version: Concerned I will never have children as the circumstances during my 30s have never been right. Now I’m 37 and recently engaged, was TTC ... but fiancé has just lost his job! Should I keep TTC regardless? I’m worried that time is running out!

The “(Very) Long Lament” version: I am 37, and came out of a 10+-year relationship at 34. In my early 30s, my then-partner and I were keen to start a family, and set a date to TTC. However, around that time my partner got cold feet about the idea, delayed TTC, and then later confessed to me the Ugly Truth that he in fact did not want to have children at all, and had gone along with my baby enthusiasm thinking that it would convince himself to want to have children. Sadly and most painfully, we broke up because of this issue.

After that, I was lucky to eventually meet a lovely man (41) who I have been with for just over a year. I was very direct with him from the start about wanting kids, and he is very family-orientated and is really keen to be a father. As we are both concerned about our respective ages (me: 37; him: 41), we planned to TTC this year (even if it means getting married after falling pregnant) and we did try for a little while. On our 1-year anniversary, he proposed and we are now engaged. But, shortly after that, he lost his job due to financial problems at his company, and this has put our TTC plans on hold. My fiancé had actually been looking for another job before this happened, but had no luck finding anything. He has currently been out of work for nearly 3 months and, although he has been motivated and is getting interviews, he has had no success in getting a new job so far. He has been doing bits and pieces of freelance work, but it is not stable or enough $$$. I work full-time, earn an okay salary, and have a 2-year contract.

We had hoped to TTC and have a baby this year/early next year before we make the big move back to my home country (I am an expat living abroad), but now that he doesn’t have a job .... aaah! Also, when/if he does get a new job, the anxious side of me won’t feel comfortable about TTC until he has passed probation, and this means more time lost for TTC. Meanwhile … my body is going tick-tock!

A couple of friends say I should just continue TTC and something will work itself out job-wise, but I don’t feel safe doing that while things are so uncertain …

I feel like due to this series of unfortunate events with my first partner and then with my fiancé being out of work, plus the tricky mathematics of time, I will never be in a stable position to have a child, and it is tearing me up inside. I am an only child and have no close extended family, and I really want to make a family of my own. I try to stay positive, but lately I am just so beaten down by the feeling that my circumstances are always pitched against me; it is almost as if Fate is telling me point-blank that I will never have a child.

Sorry for the outpouring! Is there anyone out there who has gone through a similar situation, or anyone with words of advice? Feeling so lost & sad

 

[Flossie_Aus]

I'm not sure if this will be an unpopular opinion, but I feel like there is never going to be a perfect time for a baby. If I was in your position I think I would continue TTC, and work it out along the way. Plenty of people in far worse situations make it work. The only concern I would have is you say you're an expat abroad, so if you really fell on hard times would support be available to you from the country you're in? Is giving birth itself going to be incredibly expensive for you because of where you are? These are the concerns I would look at.

Our situation is that I am on disability, I cannot work due to chronic illness (much to my own frustration). My husband is trying to get our small business off the ground + working part time. Things are tight at times, but we have been warned the window where my body can handle a pregnancy could close soon, so we are just going to make it work. It can be done, I watched my parents do it!

 

[Jsjskanamks]

Personally I'm in a similar situation. My fiance and I just bought our first house, we need to save up over $10,000 for the wedding by next august, and I quit my job a few months ago. We discussed what life would be like if I got pregnant but seeing we have been ttc for 8 months without success we realized we will never stop trying, I would never want to wonder if we missed an opportunity. A baby means more then anything to us and we know we would figure it out. That may seem stupid to some but when struggling ttc, nothing is more important. I do however understanmd things would be diffrent if I had the job and he wasnt working since you'll need time off after the baby. You have to do whatever you think is right

 

[MissN8]

i have been waiting a while too for financial reasons and am only starting to feel secure now even though wanted a baby for so long its been hard. I am in my 30s. My advice would be to continue to ttc you don't know how long its going to take and you can save in the meantime. i am only starting to realise there is never a right time for a baby but i think that if you can have a bit of savings it will help especially on maternity leave.

 

[Symphony7]

Honestly, if I was you I'd keep trying. It may take a while or it may take no time at all to get pregnant, but either way tack on 9 more months. If he's interviewing now I'm sure he will get a job 9 months to a year, if not shortly after that.

There isn't an ideal time to have a baby but you don't want to wait indefinitely and there is no baby because of that. I wouldn't be comfortable waiting after 37 personally.

 

[ask86]

I took a leap with my daughter... husband was finishing college and I was only working part time when I got pregnant - we made it work! We struggled at times (and still do) but she is worth it!!! We are planning to try for #2 at the end of this year and we are not what many would call "financially stable" but we don't really care! We are ok with not having fancy cars or going on fancy vacations and having to budget for groceries and buying diapers on sale - we have everything we need and even a few luxuries (or at least I consider them such...) - in 10 years from now I won't look back and think "I wish I bought that designer bag" but I will look back and think "I wish I had another baby..."

 

[jtr2803]

I feel for you. I'm usually the boring sensible person who says to wait until your finances are at least plannable because babies are a big enough strain without financial pressures, but with time ever passing I would be more inclined to carry on....

Could you give yourself say 3 months to try and get oh a job or some extra training, perhaps examine your incoming/outgoing to see if you can make cuts? Three months is a long time to be out of work, is there no job he can get just to keep things ticking over?

I appreciate all those who says there's no 'right' time to have a baby but there is a time where you can afford to clothe and feed it....that's surely got to be the minimum standard

 

[Madjackrabbit]

I vote for 'go for it'...Our lo was completely unplanned (read *huge shock*), my husband wasn't working as we had just moved and I was working full time as our primary earner.

We made it work with him being stay-at-home Dad (which he now LOVES) and I went back to work after 2 months. Do you think that could be an option for you? Seeing my boys together is extremely heart-warming and they are a cute duo to watch. I earn all our money which fortunately is enough to live on as long as we don't get too spendy and it has been a huge juggling act (our lo is exclusively breastfed to this day at 10m) but definitely do-able. If he was planned I'm sure it would have worked out even better!

Good luck

 

[emicakess]

I would say keep trying. You will find a way to make it work. hugs and good luck

 

[helloeveryone]

I vote go for it, you will proberly feel like a second baby so having one at 37 still gives you that choice later on.....xxx

 

[calm]

I would go for it. As other people said, there will always be reasons not to TTC, there is no perfect time. If you are 35+ fertility does a nosedive as I know to my own cost. Does this mean you will have problems conceiving? No. My workmate who was pregnant at the same time as me tried ONCE to get pregnant and was pregnant that very month and she is 40. But what if there are problems? That was my case anyway. I'm of the opinion that you will never repent your kids (or the timing) but you will regret not having kids if you really want to be a mum. X

 

[MindUtopia]

I'm not really going through a similar situation, per se, but just from my personal perspective, I would probably want to continue TTC if I was in your shoes. The reality is that you never know how long it will take and your partner could be offered a job tomorrow. But I'm also a bit believer that it doesn't take a lot of money to have a baby (as they get older, yes, they get more expensive, but being pregnant and having a baby, particularly if one of you can work and one of you is home, isn't expensive). My husband and I had our first while I was in the midst of completing a PhD (hence, not really having an income). Three months after our daughter was born, he quit his job and started his own business (again, with not much income for the first year). We did just fine. I was at home on maternity leave (paid, so that does help!), so we had no childcare expenses. The rest of the cost is pretty negligible until you reach a point when you need childcare (and then, I would assume that would mean both of you would be working, so it would be less of a financial strain). Babies don't need lots of clothes or fancy toys or expensive nursery furniture. We didn't really have any of that because we didn't need it. Breastfeeding is free, and the cost of formula is manageable. Nappies are expensive, but there are cheaper versions and overall using cloth is probably more economical, something you could frontload an investment into while you are still working. We drive used cars. We don't own our own house. We don't buy lots of junk we don't need. It really is very manageable, even on the income of a graduate student and a small business owner. We're even looking to have our second next year before I start full-time employment again. So I wouldn't necessarily let all that stuff discourage you. It's as possible as you make it.

 

[broodymrs]

As the others have said I'd continue ttc. There's never a perfect time or any certainty in anything in life. If you wait then struggle to get pregnant it would be heartbreaking. However if you catch straight away and are skint, you'll have to do some careful budgeting! If you move home sooner could family help?

 

[wtbmummy]

Although I am younger than yourself due to medical issues we have a short time slot.

I say go for it, when we fell preg with ds we were still living at the inlaws to save and move out. When I did fall we moved out almost straight away.
Within a year we had our own home, pets, ds and both in decent stable jobs. We have just been given the all clear to ttc no.2 but told we need to do so asap for a safe pregnancy.

We are still considering atm as finances are always worth thinking about, but it seems to be the only thing stopping us currently and dh asked me to stop my pill to sort my body out, so we will most like ttc aug/sep.

Just remember money comes and goes but a mothers love is forever. Everything always works out one way or another. Just thinking, would you be better going home and then ttc? I only ask as its better to go through pregnancy and 4th trimester when you have support around you.

Good luck xx