38 weeks pregnant & oh has left me so scared :(

[liverpoolbaby]

Where do I start?

We found out I was pregnant in April.

It was a shock at first; unexpected.

But we were happy it did add a little pressure to the relationship as we had only got back together in the New Year as he broke it off with me before Christmas out of the blue not giving me a reason.

I live at my parents, he lives at his mums.

Throughout the 9 months sadly I have felt he has not been there for me.
he has spent most weekends lying about his whereabouts and getting drunk at the weekends, hardly working and not saving a penny.

I on the other hand have been working my arse off saving every penny I could to provide for the baby and to save towards a deposit for our own place and buy bits.

He has called it a day more times I can imagine in the 9mths, I understand the pressure but being a mum to be I cant be nothing but strong and try and deal with it.

Not even 3 weeks to my due date he has broke it off with me again!!!

He has NOT bought the baby one single thing or given me any money towards what I have got. He spends his money on and partying all weekend with the lads. He is nearly 27.

I have made up my mind and I am done with it all, I am not taking him back this time.. not that he's intended to this time round.

Question is how the hell am I going to cope with him being in my life for the rest of!

His mum doesn't give 2 hoots but tells me too right I will be seeing my grandchild, she hasnt been in touch with me throughout and always sided with him and not been very nice.

His mum and dad have never been together not even when she found out she was pregnant, his dad is an alcoholic also.

I wont not let him see his baby, but I do not want him or his family thinking they can have the baby alone without me and not everyday or every other day!

How has everyone else coped?

 

[supersherwolf]

Wow, I'm really sorry that you're having to deal with this. You are probably better off without him anyway, he wasn't helping you while you were together anyway. It's hard at first but It shall only get better! Keep your head up. As for visiting your baby, that's up to you to decide the terms on that but he has to help you financially once the baby is here, it is not his choice.

 

[Mummy to be x]

First off.....what a piece of shit. Who does that to someone who's about to give birth to their child?! Dick!

I think by what you've written above that your going to be a hundred times better off alone, you can bring that baby up amazingly by yourself, I was a single mum for two years and believe me, it can be done

You'll get used to having him in your life, of course it's going to make the break up harder to deal with but one day you'll look back at the situation and your child that you've brought up alone and when you see him all you'll be thinking is 'thank god I never looked back'

Stay strong honey you can do this

 

[liverpoolbaby]

supersherwolf & Mummy2be...

Thank you.

He hasn't even bothered to ring me to ask if everythings okay or his mum.
He only texts and after the weekend is over; typically!

I have started to ignore his texts now which are all the same ' how is the baby? ' (the babys not even here yet!!)

Today .. ' are you even going to tell me when your in labour??!'
.. again i ignored

My mum will be my birthing partner now, it was ment to be him and my mum but why should he be there just to sit watching and waiting, because he wouldnt be rubbing my back and supporting me if he was in the room I know that for a fact.

He and his mum live 2 small junctions away on the motorway, but I will not feel comfortable driving with the baby not straight away anyway and he doesnt even drive!
Normally I had to drive to get him and drop him off when we was together, I refuse to do it for him to see the baby he can make his own way to mine!

I dont want to go to his house and feel uncomfortable.

How am I actually going to do this though??

The babys born... I go home he sees the baby (at my parents) its going to be so so awkward!!!
Sitting in a room just for him to hold the baby for a few hours? I dont want him leaving the house with the baby alone not even for a walk in the pram.

I will be breastfeeding (not expressing or bottles).

I do know of single mothers and I know it can be done but I don't and have not heard or know anyone to ask for advice about single mums before the baby is even born??

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed we had been together 3 years.

His mum has now started to text (not ring) telling me shes making bumpers for the crib.... WHICH is at her house for her which she didnt even offer me knowing I didnt have one !!!
I dont know whats going on in there heads??
i feel like they are upto something or plotting

I dont even know if I should have him on the Birth Certificate? wouldnt that make that make it more in favor and be better off for him??

I don't know what to do or who to turn to

 

[nilllabean26]

I'm so sorry to hear Wat ur going through.the way ur typing, u seem like such a strong woman. I'm going through a bit of a pickle myself and I really don't understand the lack of empathy some men have. It's last of then growing inside of you and there is no consideration for how depressing they might make women feel with these decisions. It's so selfish. I think women are so strong. Even when we feel weak, we step up for the sake of the ones we love.


With that being said, ur situation sounds so tough. Kind of awkward of the mlm tl only text u about bumpers... especially when she knows u guys aren't together anynore. This kind of reminds me of an episode of 16 and pregnant when the girl wanted to breasted and said they she would not allow her baby to go to her ex bf's house that early. The ex came over the house to hold the baby but couldn't OK blue last like 10 minutes. The guy was better off not showing up at all. Everything he asks u a question I would reply with a question.... how's the baby? U could ask him? Have u gotten any diapers to ensure the baby can have something he/she needs?


I'm so sorry u have had to be the one working and saving. J hope things get better for u. Gl with wverything

supersherwolf & Mummy2be...

Thank you.

He hasn't even bothered to ring me to ask if everythings okay or his mum.
He only texts and after the weekend is over; typically!

I have started to ignore his texts now which are all the same ' how is the baby? ' (the babys not even here yet!!)

Today .. ' are you even going to tell me when your in labour??!'
.. again i ignored

My mum will be my birthing partner now, it was ment to be him and my mum but why should he be there just to sit watching and waiting, because he wouldnt be rubbing my back and supporting me if he was in the room I know that for a fact.

He and his mum live 2 small junctions away on the motorway, but I will not feel comfortable driving with the baby not straight away anyway and he doesnt even drive!
Normally I had to drive to get him and drop him off when we was together, I refuse to do it for him to see the baby he can make his own way to mine!

I dont want to go to his house and feel uncomfortable.

How am I actually going to do this though??

The babys born... I go home he sees the baby (at my parents) its going to be so so awkward!!!
Sitting in a room just for him to hold the baby for a few hours? I dont want him leaving the house with the baby alone not even for a walk in the pram.

I will be breastfeeding (not expressing or bottles).

I do know of single mothers and I know it can be done but I don't and have not heard or know anyone to ask for advice about single mums before the baby is even born??

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed we had been together 3 years.

His mum has now started to text (not ring) telling me shes making bumpers for the crib.... WHICH is at her house for her which she didnt even offer me knowing I didnt have one !!!
I dont know whats going on in there heads??
i feel like they are upto something or plotting

I dont even know if I should have him on the Birth Certificate? wouldnt that make that make it more in favor and be better off for him??

I don't know what to do or who to turn to

 

[jzgrace]

I would put him on the birth certificate. It will make it easier for you to get child support. As for her getting that crib ready...?......if It were my situation, her crib would stay empty. She may as well sell it. I would make them come by their own way to see the baby. And NOT let them leave with baby. No way on earth. He sounds like a horrible boyfriend and seems like a deadbeat dad already!

 

[felix555]

You sound better off without him. I would not put his name on the birth certificate personally. I can't tell from the post but does he have a job? From the post though he seems unlikely to contribute once the baby is born if he hasn't so far.

 

[liverpoolbaby]

Again thankyou for hearing me out and for all the advice.

Already I feel a little lifted.

My Mum & Dad are very supportive, more my mum than my Dad as he tries to keep out of it and not speak about it at all, as I think well..know he is so disapointed.

Hes a strong Catholic and i feel i have let him down s much having a baby out of wedlock and now splitting up before the baby has even arrived, ive ut shame on his family i know i have, but i know he loves me and knows it is not my fault.

When I speak to my friends I know they dont know what to say to me i feel as if everyones backed off not to be nasty but because they just dont know what to do or say either i suppose, i feel so alone

My mums the best she tries to reassure me that everything will be okay and i will love the baby to bits and i wont care about anyone when he/she is here.

... its hard to believe, i feel like i dont deserve this baby and now and again i hate to say this, that i dont want the baby anymore
But i know i do!!

Felix555 - He hasn't worked at all in the 9mths. He worked with his uncle doing a plumbing apprentice, and because he wanted to do one job alone after qualifying his uncle saw his bum and said to my OH he isnt needed anymore.
I did have to keep telling him to look for anythng just for the time being to get the baby things and our own place, he hated me for telling him that but why should it be all me driving around picking and dropping him off paying for meals out buying EVERYTHING for the baby?
He then started working away with his cousin (who cheats on his gf) Mon-Fri but then at weekends he didnt come and see me he went partying instead with the lads!
And the wages... well his mum wanted money for rent!!! nevemind me and the baby!

Jzgrace - He is a waste of space Can i ask, how would it affect my benefits putting him on the Birth Cert and not?
I am going to Citizen Advice tomorrow or Wednesday for advice on whether to put him on or not, I dont want to have to ask for his approval for anything! and i am worried he would always have a say about certain things if he was?

Nillabean26 - Im sorry to hear your having a rubbish time too, Men are so weak I have learnt, he's always run off when things get tough, he is extremely young and immature for his age. Im nearly 28 so a little older than him... and a lot wiser.
Hes come and gone twice in our relationship but I will not let him do that in my babies life!

Can I refuse to let him see the baby unless only with me as well? and also only if he makes his own way to my home.
Its not as if I stopping him from seeing his baby he cant get me in any trouble can he?

x

 

[RaspberryK]

Argh men do such shitty things with the worst timing - my dh included.
You can 100% do this.
Have you started looking into the practical aspect of sorting things out like sure start grants and other benefits you are entitled to?
I would really concentrate and be determined to breastfeed because that will give you the biggest reason to not be physically able to leave the baby.
To be honest if he's such a waste of space he'll likely give up wanting to see the baby anyway.
Could you look into local children's centres for relevant groups for support such as parenting for under 25's (sorry don't know your age), single mums etc?
I'd see if you can get some baby things on eBay/Facebook/free cycle so you don't have to shell out loads and cloth nappies are fab for money saving if you are up for that.
Xx

 

[liverpoolbaby]

Argh men do such shitty things with the worst timing - my dh included.
You can 100% do this.
Have you started looking into the practical aspect of sorting things out like sure start grants and other benefits you are entitled to?
I would really concentrate and be determined to breastfeed because that will give you the biggest reason to not be physically able to leave the baby.
To be honest if he's such a waste of space he'll likely give up wanting to see the baby anyway.
Could you look into local children's centres for relevant groups for support such as parenting for under 25's (sorry don't know your age), single mums etc?
I'd see if you can get some baby things on eBay/Facebook/free cycle so you don't have to shell out loads and cloth nappies are fab for money saving if you are up for that.
Xx

I have got absolutely everything for the baby as I saved half my wage from when I first knew I was pregnant luckily so I haven't struggled, I do not know how I've done it I've always been rubbish at organizing and getting things ready? It must be a mothering instinct , a new me?

With it being half his responsibility he should be providing too not leaving it all down to me and keeping his own money for himself and giving his mum 'rent' money which she uses to go out at weekends too

I have been searching online for single groups and support but nothing local just everyones support on this website so far which does help, so thankyou!

One of my main reasons to want to breastfeed is because of what you mentioned and also because its what i want to do!

I didnt qualify for SMP at work which was frustrating!! i wasnt there long enough but i have claimed for Maternity Allowance now.

The sure start grant refused my application; at the time i applied i was in work still and not getting any government help, so I am going to try again now im on MA.

The novelty will soon wear off after the first few weeks when he learns he and his mum will have to make there own way to see the baby and on my terms.

x

 

[shinona]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice to give but wanted to send you hugs and a big "you can do it". You'll surprise yourself with what you can cope with and it sounds like your mum will be a big support. I bet your dad will come round once baby is here.
I hope you get answers from Citizens Advice. Why not ask your midwife about support groups too?
S x

 

[liverpoolbaby]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice to give but wanted to send you hugs and a big "you can do it". You'll surprise yourself with what you can cope with and it sounds like your mum will be a big support. I bet your dad will come round once baby is here.
I hope you get answers from Citizens Advice. Why not ask your midwife about support groups too?
S x

My Midwife is aware of the problems ive had with him but I'm seeing her tomorrow so I will ask about groups, Thankyou! didnt think of that

My mums amazing I hope i will become her one day shes my rock x

 

[RaspberryK]

You've done brilliantly saving up on your own for everything and I totally agree it shouldn't be solely down to you.
You may have to actually go into the sure start/children's centres to pick up the leaflets/timetable as I've found it difficult to search online.
My health visitor - useless at most things did actually give me a leaflet on where to find baby groups and breastfeeding support.
Maybe your midwife will be able tohelp too?
I'm glad you got you ma - reminds me I need mine. xx

 

[emeeorevan]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have been in a very similar situation with ds#1 and I did put him on the birth certificate but it didn't do any good. I'd didn't ask for money or support (never received any child support ir anything) but he didn't ask to see the baby either. He played victim to his mom and said I wouldn't let him but all required was that he visited at my home and not be alone with Ds. If I had to do it all over a again I would NOT have put him on the certificate as that way he would have to pay for a paternity test to prove he was the father before getting any rights. If he is any thing like he sounds then he will not take it pin his self to do this (too much time, money, and effort involved). And if his name is not on the certificate then his mother has no legal rights either.
you sound like a strong woman with a good support system with your parents. You can do this. You are all this baby needs. Good luck.

 

[jzgrace]

I actually dont know how that works in the uk. In the u.s. he wouldnt have parental rights until paternity is proven if thename isnot n the birth certificate. It sounds like you are driven enough to do this without him. So maybe a good idea to not have his name on it. Also in some states in the u.s. a mother or father can make it so no other man or woman sleeps/spends the night/live with the other parent unless married. My friend tanya had this stipulation in her custody orders and that was the only way her ex could see his daughter. Im so sorry that he is so useless.

 

[MileyMamma]

When I was 19 I have my dd1, her sperm donor left when she was a couple of weeks old, I bought her up alone but with the help of my family, I lived in a flat just us 2 and never had a penny from him, I know it seems scary but honestly you naturally stay strong for your baby, he doesn't deserve to have you if that's how he is treating you, I have biploar and it has been tough and even now he still has no contact and she's 8 in January, his parents never bothered eithe, or any other member of his family. You tougher than you feel, keep going and build a life for you and you little one, trust me you can do this. X

 

[WelshOneEmma]

What an awful situation to be in, sending lots of hugs. You sound like a very strong person though, so know you can do this.

Personally, if it were me, I wouldn't name him on the certificate. If he wants to step up later on he can always be added later. To me (and its just me), he needs to earn the chance to be in his childs life and that goes for his mother too. Baby would not be staying with them so the cot would not get any use.

 

[MileyMamma]

Don't put on the birth certificate unles your positive he's going to step up to the mark, I made that mistake too and now i can't get him off even tho he's had no contact for 8 years!

 

[Ziggie]

You might not want to put him on the birth certificate but you have to think about it very very carefully.

One it will help you if you need financial assistance from csa. Two your baby has a right to know who their father is and part of their identity is having that name recorded for the future. I've worked with children who have no idea who their family are and it's sad. Three legally being next of kin might be beneficial way down the line when things like inheritance come up.

I don't think it's fair to deny a child that identify because of parental grievance. But it does give him parental responsibility legally. If you think he's a danger to your child or a risk you can always stop access and even go to court.

You don't need to promote a relationship with his family, but baby will be an adult one day and might want to know their history and family...

Not to mention if he wanted to he could just take you to court to gain parental responsibility and have his name added to the birth certificate.

It's still raw now.... Once baby is in your arms he will be the furthest thing from your mind. His mother has no rights what so ever even if he is on the certificate so she can whine all she wants you have no legal obligations to her. And it's more than likely if he's not bothered now he never ever will be...

You will be just fine. Many many women have been in your shoes and blossomed

 

[Geo2]

He sounds EXACTLY like my ex, whom I have a 4 year DD to. Very similar sitaution. You will understand in time that like mine, he likely won't change, and if he wont change, he doesn't deserve you!