38 weeks pregnant & oh has left me so scared :(

[nilllabean26]

One more things point out. My dad was on my birth certificate, but I was raised by my mother. I was so angry during times we went Oh vacation out of the country when we either r needs d my dad's permission, or worry about getting a stupid affidavit..it didn't make sense to me when I was younger because what would the permission of a man who doesn't know me mean? It's just a close tie I didn't want. Then again, it was neat to see the certificate and info and what once was. So I think while the decision is made, think of all of the pros and cons for u and the baby as u guys get older and now.. gl: )

 

[MileyMamma]

My ex is a drug addict with no interest in my little girl, she has called my partner daddy for years and we would love to be a proper family we changed her name by deedpole a couple of years ago and will tell her the truth when she's old enough to understand, it's a tough decision to make at birth but inreallybeishnhe wasn't on there at all we have never received a penny, he has a wife now and has has the tattoo of her name covered up that he had done when she was a week old, so sad for Thea that he's wiped her out of his life, he dissent deserve the title of father on the certificate, I can see where your coming from tho but it's hard not to think the way I do when he's wiped her from his existence xx

 

[pinkcatgirl]

I don't think you have any obligation, morally or legally, to let his mum have time with your child! I didn't let my MIL look after my daughter solo til she was 2 and that was in my own house! And I've been married to their son 5 years! No way on this earth would I have left my baby with anyone all, never mind an ex's mother.

 

[MileyMamma]

I don't think you have any obligation, morally or legally, to let his mum have time with your child! I didn't let my MIL look after my daughter solo til she was 2 and that was in my own house! And I've been married to their son 5 years! No way on this earth would I have left my baby with anyone all, never mind an ex's mother.

I agree I don't think they have any rights, I have heard of grandparents rights but I'm not sure how successful It is when you through a court, and it would be super expensive and a long long process which you could make very difficult if you wanted to x

 

[Ziggie]

Legally grandparents have no legal parental rights. They can't demand ANYTHING from you.

 

[nilllabean26]

My ex is a drug addict with no interest in my little girl, she has called my partner daddy for years and we would love to be a proper family we changed her name by deedpole a couple of years ago and will tell her the truth when she's old enough to understand, it's a tough decision to make at birth but inreallybeishnhe wasn't on there at all we have never received a penny, he has a wife now and has has the tattoo of her name covered up that he had done when she was a week old, so sad for Thea that he's wiped her out of his life, he dissent deserve the title of father on the certificate, I can see where your coming from tho but it's hard not to think the way I do when he's wiped her from his existence xx

That breaks my heart to read. The tattoo comment is so hurtful.sorry u had to deal with that

 

[zilla]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! What an idiot. It sounds like the baby is the best thing that's going to come out of your relationship though!

I would have his name on the birth certificate - as if it's not on the certificate, I don't know if you would still be allowed to try and claim child support etc. I assume you wouldn't be allowed to try to claim if his name isn't on the certificate and he's not legally the father.

I would NOT drive to his house when the baby is born - let him come to you! If you think that it would be awkward, is there a pub or cafe or somewhere where you can meet him, once you feel up to it? At least then you can get up and leave when you want to instead of waiting for him to go home and outstaying his welcome.

You've got absolutely nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of, you've worked when pregnant to provide for your baby and plan for your future and done everything single handedly already - if you've already been the one worrying and getting everything sorted out for the baby, then surely it won't make any difference when you're a "single" mother - if you've already been doing it all alone anyway? (if that makes sense).

I'd already start looking on the CSA website and see what his/your rights are and what he'd have to provide in order to gain access etc. Better to pre-empt it so you're armed with the information if he challenges you in the future!

On another point, I wouldn't let anyone make crib bumpers for my baby - they need to go through a tonne of testing and safety requirements/regulations so I'd tell her where to stick them.

Don't feel alone, whatever you do. I think most friends back off a little when someone is pregnant, especially if they haven't had children themselves, as they don't know what to do or say and don't want to say the wrong thing!

From the sounds of it, he'll be unlikely to do anything on his own steam but his mum sounds like she could be a pain in the arse in the future - sounds like she would push him into doing what she wants in regards to her grandchild.

 

[MileyMamma]

Zola your so right about bumpers, honestly I wouldn't get them at all! Even the safety approved ones have been known to cause fatalities and danger, and yes the mil sounds like she will be a pain! But honestly if he's not interested she has no rights so can go whistle when it comes to access!
One of my best friend has been in this exact situation she made him wait until she was ready for him to visit, sadly he didn't but his parents showed up with cards and presents and that was the last she head of them! Stay strong your baby is lucky to have you and your family and won't be short of love and affection by any means, he is the one losing out you have a precious baby coming x

 

[vickyandchick]

Definitely contact citizens advice, when my OH and I split I spoke to them and they were really helpful

In regards to CSA, if he doesn't work and is on JSA or something similar then you'll get pittance- only a couple of quid a week so there's that to consider.
You can always add him later but you can't remove him, also being on the birth certificate gives him full parental responsibility and rights to your child so if you went to court (which I doubt you will as he sounds like a gobshite) they would grant him access whether you liked it or not.
Stay strong, you sound like a strong woman and don't let them push you into anything Good luck x

 

[babyplease01]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I don't have any experience to offer, but I will say this: it takes a lot bigger man to be a daddy than it does to be a father. And in my opinion, you don't owe them anything. Let him see the baby if that's what YOU think is best, but the minute you don't think he's what's best for your baby, please remember you don't owe him anything. Your baby is a life that wasn't given a choice, he doesn't get to make that life less than what it should be by being a deadbeat asshole and giving you a hard time. Neither does his mom. You go girl. Mommy's got this.

 

[Ziggie]

They wouldn't allow him contact if he was a risk to the baby. If he's NOT a risk to the baby, then being a dickhead isn't really enough to justify him not having a relationship with his child, or more importantly his child having a relationship with him. In my opinion.

Not to mention he might be a SHIT partner, but he could make an excellent father, and actually you don't know this at the moment. Chances are he won't... But your child deserves the right to find out. If he is inconsistent and the relationship becomes damaging you stop it. If it goes to court you make sure you've recorded everything and you present it as evidence (and I mean dates times etc, not recordings lol).

Children are very very clever and always more than able to make the decision whether to see their parent themselves. From a pretty young age too. Being a mother means helping your child understand about relationships. Good ones AND bad ones.

At the end of the day, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but children deserve to know who they are. Even children who are adopted into families are provided with information and details of their birth parents. Identity is so important.

 

[River54]

I understand where you are coming from.

When I was pregnant with my dd years ago, we broke it off soon after I found out I was pregnant. He demanded visitations etc - even of the belly - which was sooo weird. I told him plainly that we couldn't make any decisions as to visits etc, until she was born. (What if she had a condition etc? - no way of knowing)
My mum let him know for me when she was born, and he came up to the hospital in NICU without scrubbing in, or having a security bracelet, demanding "to know if it was his". It was such a drama... - If you think he'd make a scene and be up at the hospital invading, and you don't want that - I'd tell him once you are back at home.
I tried to do visits in a public place for a bit - a mall food fair, etc so I wouldn't feel so awkward. But I think the best was when he came to the house (I was living with my parents then as well) and my mum just dealt with him for the 30min or so of a visit, and got him to change a diaper etc under her guidance. I was BF her, so visits couldn't be too long anyways. My mum was awesome that way. That way I didn't have to deal with him right away, and I could focus on recovering from the birth, and trying to establish BF.

 

[eventerjj]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! My mom found out my biological father was cheating when she was about 7 months pregnant and he wasn't there when I was born. She coped with support from her family and knowing she had me to support. A few y ears later she met an awesome guy that adopted me and things worked out for the best. I hope everything works out well for you and remember you don't have to be with him just for the LOs sake. As one friend said to me when I was getting divorced and worried about never having kids "oh Hun, these days you don't need a man to have babies!"
Good luck with everything.