4 months pp and still mourning the natural birth I will never have...

[kwills55]

Deleted

 

[tristansmum]

So sorry to hear that! I can relate as I had emcs with my first and mourned the natural birth experience I had lost out on. I think it took maybe 6 months to come to terms with it. However you sound worse than me as after to first couple of months I didn't cry anymore and I could still watch one born etc ( in fact I loved watching them) Maybe the difference is I was told I could vbac in the future so I knew I had another chance. But I do feel at around 6 months the way he entered the world became less important to me. I felt like it's only a tiny part of being a Mum ans the vital part is bringing them up.
I did have a vbac with my second and although I'm very pleased I did it was far from a perfect birth. Shoulder dystocia and a very shocked unresponsive baby. Hubby didn't get to cut the cord. Luckily he was ok after some oxygen.
What I'm trying to say is no birth isperfect. If your feelings ccontinued you could seek some advise. But I'm sure in time it will get easier.

 

[MOMRETTIRC]

I am right there with you kwills. I'm nearly 5 months out, and though things are getting better, I still cry every so often about my c section. My situation is a little different than yours, but the same in that I desperately wanted a natural childbirth. I knew I wouldn't be the one out of 3 women in the US who needed (or didn't truly need) a cs. I practiced hypnobirthing, breathing methods, accupressure. I was so incredibly excited for labor and birth. Despite every home induction method in the book, labor never came. I was forced to be induced at 42 weeks, and I almost knew going in that I'd have a cs since my body wasn't ready. But I tried to stay optimistic. I was in labor 16 hours and never got past a 6, and baby was starting to struggle. I had one intervention after another, and I cried with each one. When I was finally told I needed a cs, I was heartbroken, shaking uncontrollably, and sobbing. I couldn't believe that is how I would have to meet my little one. I had failed myself. I had failed my husband. I had failed my baby. I couldn't do what mothers have been doing for gazillions of years. I started thinking maybe I shouldn't have even been able to have a baby. I still cry thinking that I didn't get to hold my slimy new baby first. I don't even remember holding him the first time. The only part of the whole experience that I remember being happy is hearing my husband say "it's a boy!" We hadn't found out the sex, so that was wonderful to find out we had a son. He was 9.5 lbs, and the docs told me I never would have been able to deliver him, but I disagree. I feel like I was cheated out of a chance at a vaginal delivery by being forced to be induced.

But almost 5 months on, I'm starting to come to peace with my son's "delivery." (I'm just starting to say this, even though deep down I feel like it was more of a "surgical removal"). Its easy to say "I wish I would have done this" or think "how different things would have been if..." but there are no guarentees that anything could have gone like we had hoped. Despite his traumatic entrance to this world, my ds and my relationship hasn't suffered a bit, and I am so incredibly grateful to have him and for both of our health. I have come to the realization that it doesn't matter how he was born. I can still be the best mother I can be, and he won't hold his birth against me! I am hoping for a VBAC with my next, but am already trying to prep myself for the possiblilty that I will have a failed VBAC. Last time, a cs hadn't ever entered my mind, and I feel like had I been prepared for that possibility, it wouldn't have been quite so traumatic. So next time, I will be prepared for it. If I get my natural birth, great, but if not, I will still try to focus on having a healthy beautiful baby and not worry about how he or she arrives. This is what I tell myself, and I'm finally starting to believe it.

Please try to forgive yourself, and be kind to yourself. At least you know that your cs was truly needed. You did the best you could, and put your baby's safety first. You are no less of a mother for not ever being able to have a vaginal birth. Some of us just drew the short straw there, but at least we have our babies. We made a huge sacrifice in order to have them and we love them just the same. Next time, knowing you will have a cs, you can try to make it as joyous as possible, instead of traumatic like the first go-round. Just take things one day at a time, and look in the mirror and say nice things to yourself. Before you know it, you will believe them! And for goodness sake, stop watching birth shows! I would never survive if I watched those!

to you.

 

[kwills55]

Aww thank you both so much. I feel better that other people haven't just 'got over it' by now either. The first few months I was giving myself leeway with 'hormones' and 'it's still fresh in your mind' but was starting to worry that I was depressed or something!

I feel I shouldn't be so sad over it because I love my daughter to pieces and should just be grateful she's here and ok, and I am. It's only when she's asleep or entertaining herself that it all pops into my mind. Luckily I am kept busy most of the time!!

Will see how it goes as time goes on but at least I'm not the only one thinking about it 4 months on. Xxx

 

[Marythefairy]

I had an emergency section after a long and stressful Labour and due to the tear I had and surgery after section I will be having a planned one this time. I'm hoping it will be a much more positive experience having read some of the planned and positive stories on here. You should be able to have skin to skin straight away if you want to. Emergency sections due to baby distress are very different to planned ones. So don't worry about your future births. They won't be like last time I'm sure

 

[irish_cob]

Have you looked into so-called natural c-section? Also called family centered or woman centered c-section? The baby is delivered much more slowly by natural ejection reflex - they open the uterus then make it contract with synto and the baby is actually born - it helps squeeze out all the fluids from the lungs. The screen is dropped and mum's head is raised throughout so she can see the baby being born. Cord clamping is delayed and the baby goes straight onto mum's chest and can even begin breastfeeding, s/he's not taken away and messed about with, just straight to mum for skin to skin, covered with blankets over the top of both of them to keep everyone warm. Would definitely be worth looking into for another baby for you xx

 

[kwills55]

That sounds great!! Do they do that in the uk?? I would love to see baby born and the cord etc so much! Xxx

 

[irish_cob]

Yes it was pioneered in the uk hun x

 

[kwills55]

Do you know if most hospitals are happy to do it? I know so much comes down to surgeon/anaesthatist's preference and would hate to get my hopes up for it not to happen on the day. Xxx

 

[irish_cob]

I imagine it would be the sort of thing you'd need to raise in plenty of time with the hospital, which in your case shouldn't be a problem as it seems pretty certain you'd have an elective section. You could ask them very early on to look into and research it for you, it would not seem a completely ridiculous suggestion xx

 

[kwills55]

I definitely will, having researched it more it seems like such a nicer way of having a c section. It goes some way to making the sadness of not being able to have a 'natural' birth a bit better as it seems a bit more normal and less clinical.
Thankyou so much. I feel much more positive about future 'births' which I think was the main issue in why I feel so sad about it all. Xxx