5 months later still really emotional...

[W8ing4ours]

My son was born at 30 weeks and was 2 lbs even due to severe IUGR. It's been 5 months and today he is perfectly healthy and I do feel so blessed. I'm still having a lot of issues emotionally though. I wonder sometimes if I have some PTSD, or if this is just normal. I still have nightmares about his birth and the weeks leading up to it, and the 2 months of Nicu that followed. I think I just feel traumatized by the whole experience. My dr has since told me she strictly believes I cannot have any more children because of the risk of even more severe pre-e. I find myself not wanting my son to get older, I'm just stuck in this time in my life. I can't move forward from how terrifying everything was for me. I can't accept not being able to have more children. My babies are IVF babies and I have 3 frozen embryos left. I actually just paid a $300 bill to preserve the embryos for another 6 months, knowing I cannot use them without great risk to myself and the baby. The list goes on and on. At the same time, I am so happy. I'm not depressed, I don't feel hopeless, etc. I'm just still so sad about what happened and what my son had to go through. When will it get better?

 

[hello_kitty]

Hi hun,

I completely understand what you are going through although my situation is different. I started out with a completely healthy pregnancy no issues to begin with. First time I ended up going into labor spontaneously. They later found out it was due to a bacterial infection. He was born at 32 weeks but was perfectly healthy. Didnt have any major problems, just jaundice and was pretty much a feeder grower. I felt really bad at first but as he grew older each day I realized I should feel blessed and happy that he is doing so well, it couldve been much worse given his gestational age.

I got pregnant again after he turned 1. Again, completely healthy to begin with but given my premature delivery the risk of another preemie increased. I didnt think it would happen again, thought first time was a coincidence but it happened again! This time at 35.5 weeks. Fortunately, he only stayed in nursery (not nicu) for 10 days and didnt have any major problems as well. Second time around I felt sooo guilty. First time I could brush it off as a coincidence but 2 times in a row? I felt like a failure and maybe my body has some sort of malfunction and couldnt keep babies in for the full 40 weeks.

It will get better, trust me. My older son is now 20 months and I cannot keep up with him! He runs all over the place and is a bundle of energy you can never guess that he's a preemie. Once they hit the age where they like to run around and get into everything you will be too busy and will at times forget about what went on in the past. I still remember what happened but with a busy life of taking care of 2 children sometimes its a blur.

 

[RcdM]

I'm sorry you're going through this! It quite possibly could be PTSD but also you have only been home with your LO for 3 months (right?) and that is not that long. It may just take a little more time for you to accept what has happened and move forward. Yes it could have been much worse, but sometimes that doesn't really help you feel any better. I would say just focus on your little baby for now and don't worry too much about the future just yet. I realize it's a little different since you are having to pay for things like preserving embryos and what not, but outside of that give yourself some time to heal before stressing about having more children. You can always get a second opinion from another doctor. I had my dd at 30 weeks via emce due to severe pre-e as well. She was a little bigger than your LO but not much, 2 lbs 11oz. My doctor told me there's no way to know if I'll get pre-e again, the chances are a bit higher since it came on so early, but that she fully supports me in having another and we'll monitor me very closely and take action as early as possible if I'm starting to show signs of it again. It is worth it the risk to me. And here I am today almost 29 weeks with my second child and no signs of pre-e yet which is great. I'll be thrilled if I can just make it past 30 weeks.

The experience you had will always be in your heart and you won't forget it, but eventually you'll be okay with it and it won't bother you as much. But I will tell you, I thought I was totally past everything that happened with my dd, I wouldn't say I had too difficult of a time coping with it. But recently I was in the hospital (for something not related to my dd) and I happened to smell the hand sanitizer they use all over the hospital (very distinct smell) and I almost started crying because it brought back so many memories of rubbing that stuff all over my hands and arms every single day when visiting my dd in the NICU. I got so emotional and it was so weird! So it will always have a place with you. But I know in my heart that everything happens for a reason. Remind yourself of that each day. God doesn't give us more than what we can handle, and you handled it and you're here and your baby is here and healthy and all is well. Dwelling too much on the past can take away from enjoying what is right in front you.

 

[Jes.shortcake]

My LO is 10 months now and it's still really hard..although it does get a little better each day. There was this song that used to come on the radio all the time (I swear every hour) for the 3 months my son was in the NICU. It seemed like it would be on the radio on the way to the hospital and the way back. Anyway..i can't listen to that song anymore without crying. My husband always says that he's okay now so we should be happy. I am happy..but at the same time it doesn't make the painful memories go away. But it does get easier to cope.

 

[lanaross]

I get like that STILL and he was a late premie with a very minimal stay in NICU and I STILL think it's my fault, the guilt never goes away, I still think about it at least once a week. But I see him turning into a wonderful happy boy (one year in less than a month) and I feel so much better.

 

[vermeil]

*gentle hug* I understand completely. It's perfectly normal to dwell on what happened for months. You did nothing wrong, it wasn't your fault!

My son was severe iugr also; he weighed 1lb4oz at birth at 27 weeks which is 2nd percentile. It took me two long years to be at peace with what happened. Three to put everything in perspective and no longer dwell on it.

I could write volumes on the topic! But I really believe it has made me a better person. It certainly reorganised my priorities and shown me what really matters in life.

My second child was Ivf and though I was really nervous this time round, with top notch pregnancy care (from the tier 4 hospital where my son was born, the only one to take the 'desperate causes' as I would cynically call his case) I had no pre-e and no issues whatsoever. I had a planned c section at 37 weeks.

Your nicu probably has a psychologist: can you ask to meet them even if your son is discharged? There was one full time at ours. She just wandered from room to room saying hello. You could just chat with her or just politely nod if you didn't feel like it. She became my ROCK. We chatted a LOT.

Also is there a preemie parent group in that hospital? Look up march of dimes. I still go to meetings to talk about my son. I think it helps people with light cases put things in perspective. It helps heavier cases, giving them a positove story to cling to. (Heck when my son was flatlining 2-3 times aday i did nothing BUT look for happy endings to 1lb babies and read the over and over.) And it still helps me to talk about it at these meetings.

Thinking of you- it does get easier, over time.

PS I also have frozen embryos and think of them a lot too.perhaps a surrogate?

Pps see pics in my sig

 

[W8ing4ours]

Thanks for the support ladies, it means a lot. Regarding the pre-e, lots of women have it once and not again, but not many get it twice and not a third time. After 4 years of struggling to have our first, I know how very blessed I am to have 2 beautiful children. Hugs.