A bit of advice please :(

[nineena]

Hi there, I don't often post on this forum any more due to being back at work full time but i just wondered if anyone had any words of advice or solace. My Lo is now 19months so probably a bit old for me to be posting in this particular bit of the forum but hey ho.

Anyway we tried to get pregnant with my LO for almost 2yrs, i had a relatively good pregnancy until the end then went into spontaneous labour at 35wks and gave birth naturally to my bubba who was only 1.5kgs at the time. We never got that initial cuddle/ skin to skin contact as she wasnt breathing on birth and so was taken straight to resus area to be neopuffed etc then wrapped in a swaddle, shown to me literally for a few secs then whisked to neotnatal to be checked over. In the meantime i was told i had a retained placenta and then had to have general anaesthetic to remove same. When i woke in the middle of maternity hosp i was in a baby of 6women surrounded by newborn babies and still didnt know what was happening with my LO. About 30mins after waking from surgery the paediatrician came from NICU to speak with my husband and I and told us that our LO needed life saving surgery and had to be transferred to a specialist hospital an hr away. We did manage to briefly get to see my LO for about 15mins before the ambulance arrived and i was later transferred to the specialist hospital about 14hrs later. My LO spent a total on 9weeks in hospital before she could come home and had 3 operations during that time. I expressed for her as she couldnt feed orally and was fed via NG tube and during her stay we did see her get resusciatated on a few occasions. Since her discharge she has had a further 8 operations including 2 more major surgeries and we must have spent about 8months in total in hospital. Initially I was running on adrenaline and thats what kept me going then when her health became more stable i started getting overt symptoms of depression (understandably) and was treated with antidepressants. I returned to work when my LO was 16months old however I am now finding myself wanting to spend less and less time with my LO. I get very anxious and apprehensive about being around her and although I love her to bits do not feel I have truly bonded with her. I even feel that I don't know how to play with her and think she will be bored or disinterested in playing with me and she's a very intelligent girl and does get bored easily as all toddlers do. I particularly hate mealtimes however I am aware this is due to all the feeding related issues we have had as a result of the condition she was born with and she does often get food stuck and chokes often too.

I know we've been through a really traumatic time but I don't understand why when I am back at work and able to function as a "normal" human being I now hold these feelings of resentment and almost feelings of lack of interest and ability to care for my LO. My husband is fab and really great with our LO and plays with her all the time but i just feel like I should be doing more and I really don't think i should be feeling so anxious and apprehensive and almost begrudging of caring for our lil girl.

Has anyone experienced anything similar, not necessarily circumstances but those kinds of feelings and how did you get through it? My other difficulty or rather delight with the way im feeling at the min is that i work a lot of shifts and so im often off when my LO is in nursery so on average I am now only seeing LO approx 2-3hrs per day

 

[25weeker]

Holly is 2 now and I have no intention of leaving this forum

My lo is such a daddy's girl and like you I think she has much more fun with him than me. Probably because men are big kids anyway My oh would also play with her and ignore the pigsty around him whereas I would tidy up. I don't let it bother me because no doubt she will go through stages of who is her favourite before she hits her teenage years and hates us both!

I too dread meal times because holly is an awful eater and she needs to put weight on. Yesterday she ate 2/3 of her weetabix and I actually couldn't remember the last time she had ate breakfast then I remembered last year when she would happily scoff all her breakfast.

My lo is in nursery 4 days a week and on those days I probably see her about 3 hours between morning & evening. She loves nursery though and she eats well there so I try not to feel guilty. I also think its helped her development loads.

You have been such a rough ride so try not to be too hard on yourself. You have a lifetime to bond with your little girl.

 

[Marleysgirl]

Andrew is now 2 1/2 actual age, but I have no intention of leaving the Premmie forum - it seems that a number of us are going through similar issues with feeding, talking, fears for starting nursery, and I'm happier talking in here than getting buried (and possibly bad advice) from the more regular parts of B&B.

I'm work full-time too, I started back at work just after Andrew's first birthday. He spends his daytimes with his Daddy who we agreed should be main parent & carer. They have a fabulous bond that I sometimes envious of; yet it is generally me that Andrew looks to soothe an ouchy. I try not to feel guilty that hours can go by at work when I don't even think about him or what he might be doing at home - I'm concentrating on work. My contribution to the home and to his future is that I'm earning money. I am lucky that a short commute means I can spend breakfast time & bedtime with Andrew, feeding & playing for about an hour at each end of the day. I do wonder, when playing at weekends, whether he gets bored of me and would rather be rough-and-tumble with his Daddy ...

I think anxieties are normal. He's our first child, I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time I could be home all the time, have bonded wonderfully, and still not know what I'm doing

 

[nineena]

Thanks ladies. Although i don't like to hear other parents struggling it's nice to know I am not alone. I'm the main breadwinner and yes just like you've both said my LO does seem to really enjoy the rough n tumble and silly play she has with her Daddy and always always wants me for cuddles and if she wakes in the night coughing etc/

She's been going to nursery 3days a week since August and has come on SOOOO much, went in totally tube fed and within 2months was completely orally fed and will now eat any texture aside from complications with her lifelong condition where she does struggle with some foods. For example yesterday she had a choking episode over a piece of ham which for the last 3weeks she's had no problems with. Shes also started getting fussy over being fed as now wants to do it all by herself despite thinking throwing it around is acceptable grrr.

I keep telling myself well she'll be in school before I know and then we will hardly see her anyway and that I can't recall children complaining because their parents are earning money so they can have the nice things in life.

Hubby is dropping down to 4days from next week too so he'll be with her even more

Oh and took her to H/V last week coz we've not been weighed for about 4months and she'd lost over 1lb in weight so thats more stress, we've just recently been closed to SALt team and dietician and really dont want to be going back arghh why isnt life straightforward

 

[Marleysgirl]

Oh and took her to H/V last week coz we've not been weighed for about 4months and she'd lost over 1lb in weight so thats more stress

I really would suggest that you don't stress over 1lb. She's learning how to feed herself (throwing food around) so her intake will be up & down. There's every chance it was a different set of scales, or they hadn't been recalibrated in that four month period. I'd only worry if she's lost more weight at the next visit (say, in three months).