a little advice please ladies?

[Lil_Pixie]

im sorry for gatecrashing a little but i could really do with a little help. .

I got a message this morning from a good friend letting me know she's lost her baby at 25 weeks. My heart is utterly breaking for her, and of course i really want to be there for her any way i can, but i dont know what the best thing to do is.

the problem is we were pregnant together and i had my little boy a month ago so i feel like her having to look at/speak to me would just be a reminder of what i have and she doesnt. I think if that was me i would be bitter and resentful. of course i dont want to keep out of her way as if i was ignoring her, but i certainly dont want to make things harder.

as it is now ive just responded to her message letting her know im thinking of he and im her for her if she needs me. but i dont know if the best thing now is to leave it until shes ready to get in touch. i just think maybe if she wants to forget me and my son exist for a while i dont want to keep reminding her if that makes sense!

i would really appreciate any advice you might have for how i can help my friend. . .

 

[Gitlost80]

There is never a right thing to say,but I think telling her you are there if and when she needs you is the best thing you could have said. Id maybe repost your thread in the second trimester to get more helpful advice going? There are alot of helpful ladies on that thread ALL the time.

 

[Hellylou]

Contrary to previous poster's opinion, there are extremely helpful and experienced ladies in this section of the forum who are only too happy to offer advice on something like this, knowing full well the pain of a loss such as this, and what they want to hear/don't want to hear.

To answer your question...I think what you have said is absolutely fine. You have acknowledged her loss and expressed condolences, which at this point is all she needs to hear. She may well find it difficult to be around new babies at this point, so I would wait until she feels ready to see you. You could always offer to see her without taking your LO along, as that may be easier for her at this point, but she will let you know what she is happier with. It is very hard for someone to know what to do in a situation like this, but I know that for me, knowing that people cared about me, were sorry to hear my news, and were thinking about me, was very comforting.

 

[mhazzab]

Your friend is very lucky to have someone like you in her life who is being so thoughtful. I'm so very sorry to hear of her loss.

I agree with everything hellylou says above. I was also pregnant alongside my friend, she had her baby three weeks after me and unfortunately I still can't bring myself to see them (she's six moths old now) my friend has been so kind and understanding. We spoke by email just after I lost my girls and were totally honest with each other that it would be hard for a while but we both loved each other very much and would manage to make our friendship work again when the time is right.

Someone asked a similar question a while ago and I think there was some really useful opinions if you want to have a look, the thread is called 'how to help a friend' and is currently on page four of this section.

Hope this helps and thankyou for being so considerate - advice on what to do in this situation is best given by those who have actually been through it before and so i think you came to the right place xxx

 

[collie_crazy]

I agree with Hellylou, I think it would be too hard for her to see you and little one just now but maybe you on your own would be ok. I found when I lost my daughter that I got flooded with texts saying 'I'm here for you' and then nothing. I didn't want to approach people with my grief but would really have appreciated one of those people getting back in touch and offering to come see me etc, I couldn't even bare to go out for the first few weeks.

What I will say is that remember when you are speaking to her that this was her baby and her pain right now is unimaginable. I got people saying things to me like 'maybe it was meant to be' , 'you can always have another' or 'these things just happen / happen for a reason' and I honestly could have punched them. I just don't think unless people have seen the baby that they realise a 2nd tri loss is actually the death of a person. Can you imagine someone saying 'you can always get another' if someone's husband died?

I'm not saying you would say these things but I got them a lot!

I think your showing what a good friend you are just by being here and asking for advice

 

[OliveBay]

I'd agree with what the other ladies have said. Maybe stay in touch with your friend via text or email and offer to meet up, but let her know that its fine for her to say no. Even if its too hard for her to see you for a while, I'm sure she'll still appreciate knowing that you are thinking of her.

I'd also add that if you haven't heard from your friend in a while, maybe just make another offer to meet up (but again be prepared for her to say no). I've found that even 3 months after losing my baby its hard to motivate myself to initiate meeting up with friends and i really appreciate when they make the first move. Its nice to know people are still aware that I'm having a hard time and am still not yet back to my old self.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Contrary to previous poster's opinion, there are extremely helpful and experienced ladies in this section of the forum who are only too happy to offer advice on something like this, knowing full well the pain of a loss such as this, and what they want to hear/don't want to hear.

To answer your question...I think what you have said is absolutely fine. You have acknowledged her loss and expressed condolences, which at this point is all she needs to hear. She may well find it difficult to be around new babies at this point, so I would wait until she feels ready to see you. You could always offer to see her without taking your LO along, as that may be easier for her at this point, but she will let you know what she is happier with. It is very hard for someone to know what to do in a situation like this, but I know that for me, knowing that people cared about me, were sorry to hear my news, and were thinking about me, was very comforting.

Agree with everythging you said.. We know all to well what hurts and what doesn't.

 

[Andypanda6570]

There is never a right thing to say,but I think telling her you are there if and when she needs you is the best thing you could have said. Id maybe repost your thread in the second trimester to get more helpful advice going? There are alot of helpful ladies on that thread ALL the time.

There is no more helpful advice there then there is here. I find your post a little rude .. Maybe you didn't mean it that way, but that is how it comes across. Here in this thread and section are the most helpful, caring loving women you will ever meet , ALL the time we are here for everyone.
Thank You

 

[Bride2b]

Firstly it shows you are a great friend by asking how you can help....you have certainly come to the right place, as unfortunately most of us here have had second trimester losses very recently & know exactly what it feels like and what your friend is going through.

My advice....

1. Contact her everyday to ask how she is (maybe a few times a day)
2. Talk to her about what happened....talking about it helps. Avoiding whats happened does NOT help, we dont want people to forget our babies & ignore their existance.
3. Offer to go and see her once she feels ready - but dont take your LO, not many people offered to come and see me. I couldnt go out the house & certainly didnt want to go an see anyone myself. My best friend kept popping by....she has been my lifesaver.

Maybe in a week or so tell her that we exist here. I know its not for everyone, but honestly I think I would of had a major breakdown if I had not have come here to ask questions and share how I felt. The only people that truly know how she feels are people who have experienced it themselves. There are endless emotions, guilt, anger, denial that your friend will feel, and she will find sharing these with others who have been in a similar situation useful, because at the time I would feel like it was only me that has ever experienced what I was feeling.

You are truly a wonderful friend. Please come back to let us know how she is, or to ask ANY advice.
xx

 

[Lil_Pixie]

ladies thank you so much for your advice - i'll take all of it on board

Ive just sent her another message letting her know im thinking of her. Im not going to call her because i think if shes not ready to talk to me she can just not respond to a text, i dont want to force her if that makes sense.

I read somewhere when i lost my dad that grief is mourning the loss of a future you expected to have, if thats the case i cant imagine a future more anticipated than that of a chilld. I do feel very aware that this is her child, a full person. She was expecting a little girl and thinking of calling her Lilly.

When i do speak to her i will definately let her know about you ladies here - im sure talking to people who understand could be really helpful for her. I'll be there for her any way i can but realistically i dont have a clue what shes going through!

 

[Nikki_d72]

Sorry I'm a bit late getting to this but I would just echo what the other ladies have said really. I was also unable to go out or reach out to anyone for the longest time and I appreciated texts that asked how I was for exactly the reason you said yourself - you can choose to reply if you are up to it, or not, as the case may be. Also she can reply to you and you can't see her tears etc, I preferred this as I hate laying my greif on others. I would say that you are a great friend too for coming in and asking us, and also for realising that she may not want to see you or your little one, I think seeing your wee one would be a reminder of what she should have and she may be unable to do this for a long time. It's a horrible way to feel but unfortunately seems to be natural and universal, I'm glad you already realise this and won't take it personally - it really isn't personal.

If you are going to see her I would say go alone and I would also say ask if she's up to it first - I had a lot of poppers-in and though I appreciated them, in a way they always seemed to come just as I'd finally got the wee one off to school or something and was looking forward to going to bed and having a good cry! They maybe were worried about me being left alone but I was craving it. They weren't to know that and I know thay cared but I would have loved it if they'd asked first.

I think if you are willing to keep trying to get in touch she will appreciate it a lot as most folk fade out pretty quickly and be prepared for it to be a long haul! The best thing you can do i think is let her know you are happy to let her talk about her baby, all you have to do is listen and sympathise really.

thanks again for caring enough to get in touch with us here as yes, unfortunately there's really only one way to know how this feels. xxx

 

[Lil_Pixie]

I just wanted to thank you all again for your advice.

I've heard fom my friend a few times now (I've just been sending her messages sending my love and letting her know I'm thinking of her). Sometimes she replies, sometimes she doesnt which is fine.

She got out of hospital on Monday, so she is settling at home but is anxious to have her baby Lily home with her. The thing you helped me the most with is I know after speaking with you ladies not to avoid talking about the baby. I feel my h more confident now that I can be the best friend I can to her without making it worse.

As far as my baby goes I figured I'll just not mention him until she does. Unless she's ready for me to visit, then I'll tell her I'll come alone, but until then I want to just keep him out of our friendship for a little while.