A Little Help, Please......

[mom-on-8/2009]

My situation is a little different, but, I really want the mindset of those of you that are around my age, sorry older moms. I want somebody that can probably easily relate more.

I've always had a terrible relationship with my dad. He was VERY abusive. Anyway, the last time I talked to him ever was right after me and DH got engaged, a little bit before I turned 19. I tried to get him to go to lunch with me, my mom, and, of course, DH (who was known as my BF before I told them, but, was my fiancee in surprise). He griped so terribly about it, he didn't want to go to lunch, even though I fibbed (but only for sake of the surprise) that I wanted to celebrate my birthday a bit earlier because we were going out of town on my birthday (actually true). We got into a mad fight and I hung up, texting him to ruin the surprise. He texted me (yes, a texting parent- I thought him!) not to talk to him like that! Then I went ape on him via text messaging.

Me and DH got married on November 13, 2008, the other incident happening in that September (yes, short engagement, I know). He wasn't invited to the wedding at all, with some family pressure to invite him, but, as he refused to apologize, I refused to let him attend. My mom walked me down the aisle, it was awesome.

Well, to the real point- I conceived just a week later after our wedding. Now, my mom says she's isn't telling him because she is sick of being in the middle of things. I don't want any money or anything from him, as I didn't with the wedding. I insist on doing things on my own with only my husband by my side. In fact, with this, we don't need help, but I'm still wondering if I should bother telling my dad. I was thinking of just letting him find out through the grapevine, through his bar buddies that I know.

I know being 20 doesn't really classify me much for this forum, but, I would really like the opinion of the younger ladies in this forum. I may not be a teen anymore, but, you could call me a rookie at this whole "grownup life" thing. I'm just an amateur right now.

Thanks for any help!

 

[nikky0907]

I would tell him.
My parents and I don't have the greatest of relationships but I still thought they deserved to know, purely for the sake of my conscience being clear and I don't wonder what might have been.
You can call or text, e-mail... however since he was abusive towards you, I'd cut all contact between him and the baby.

 

[kellysays2u]

I would tell him over the phone or text seeings as he was abusive to you and you don't want anything happen to you and bubs. At least that way he then cant say that you didnt tell him and then try and use it against you later on. Also as he was abusive to you as nicky said I would not let the baby near him especially not unsupervised at all.

Good luck and congrats on your recent marriage and baby.

 

[mom-on-8/2009]

Thank you girls.

 

[alloyd519]

I think you should tell him, maybe still just over text to avoid conflict, just so it's better it's coming from you and not one of his friends, and it'll show you have the maturity to do it yourself. And just wait and see how he takes it, maybe let it sink in for a while. Me and my dad have never really been close but I thought after I had my girls he would come and see them at least every once in a while, but I was totally wrong, he's seen them maybe 3 times in their year of life, so I guess I kind of know how you feel. Just know we're all here for ya!

 

[Lilaala]

Forgive me as I'm 24 years old, but I feel compelled to reply as I am semi-estranged with my father as well. I didn't want to invite him to my wedding at first, and then he ended up not coming because he was too distressed from the fighting he was in the middle of with his current fling. (he goes through women like no one I've ever seen, and he's been married 4 times) He has been psychologically abusive to me numerous times growing up and even now occasionally he will fling an angry, berating letter my way. I have decided I will screen any mail he sends any kids we have, and when I am pregnant I will tell him, but not until I'm about 5 months along, and I won't be making the effort to do it in person. He will complain at me for that, but I don't care.

I would tell him, but I wouldn't rush to do so, nor go out of my way to do so. Perhaps over the phone.

I could be just taking my own bitterness towards my father and reflecting it in that bit of input I just gave you, but that's what I would do.