A rant, sorry...

[Talia12]

I HAVE to get this off my chest as I'm really fuming.
We have had plans to have dh's sister here staying with us over Christmas for months now. She's 20 and was super excited about the baby coming and having her first niece and said she couldn't wait to come here and take care of me and help me out around the house for the last few weeks of pregnancy and first few weeks of baby being here. She's staying for 9 weeks, which is longer than I would've liked to be honest, (5 weeks before my due date and 4 after) especially because I think after the baby comes I need time alone with the baby to bond and I can't be entertaining a house guest 24/7 during those precious first weeks that I'll never get back. I don't want to sound mean but I need that important rooming in time with the baby so I'd already asked DH if he could figure out a way to maybe take her to "help" him at work a couple of days a week, which he vaguely said okay too but didn't take very seriously.

Now, a week ago she announced to me her own shock pregnancy. Me and her are quite close (I'm 6 years older than her and me and DH have been together for 11 years so she's been like my little sister since she was little) so it wasn't surprising that I was the first one she told (via phone obviously as they live abroad). She absolutely prayed and begged me not to tell DH, as he is an extremely protective older brother and we both know he's going to absolutely flip out. His parents don't have much money as it is (we've had to help them out before and we do NOT have much ourselves!!) and he's going to be furious that she's gone and got pregnant while still dependent on them not to mention her studies she's due to start are now all messed up. He's been looking forward to her coming next week for months and I can't bear to make him upset so I agreed to keep schtum.

Well that was a whole week ago and it's been tearing me up that I haven't told him, I feel awful and have repeatedly said to her "I need to tell him or I need you to" and she just keeps begging for more time. It's now got to the point where I'm going to have to risk making her very angry and upset with me because (1) I can't keep this secret from my husband and (2) any later and it's going to spoil Christmas, new year, or worst of all, our own baby coming (due 16th Jan).

So as if that wasn't bad enough, and I have pretty much resolved to tell him when he gets back from his Christmas work party late tonight, even though she will see it as a betrayal of her (unfairly, but she still will) - as if that wasn't bad enough, over the past week she's had a scan and become very excited about the pregnancy. Now I don't want to sound immature here. I'm not in a competition, I don't believe that another pregnancy in the family "takes away" from mine (me and my sister were pregnant together, our DS's are 4 months apart and it's great), and all I ultimately care about is that this baby arrives safe and sound.

HOWEVER. That is one thing when the other pregnant person is living somewhere else. But she's going to be a houseguest here - with no one else in this country she knows - for the rest of my precious pregnancy and first month of baby's life. And me and DH, especially me, went through absolute hell with a mmc back in February and march, I found out I was pregnant with that baby 10th December 2016 so almost exactly a year ago - this baby has been a long time coming and a LOT of tears, heartbreak and physical pain. And I am NOT having that be completely overshadowed by her. She's constantly messaging me talking about her baby, she has completely lost interest in mine whereas before she was head over heels excited to be an aunty again. She's repeatedly asked me if the flight could affect her baby to the point where I've had to hold my tongue in order not to snap "don't f*cking come if you're that worried".

I'm so angry about this. It may sound childish to say "this is my pregnancy and it's about me/my baby", but it is. And this is MY house. And I should not have to, at 35-40 weeks pregnant, and then with a newborn I pray, be constantly listening to stuff about someone else's pregnancy in my own house. I actually now wish she wasn't coming and I'm dealing with all this on my own as DH still doesn't know obviously.

There's nothing I can do, I can't un-invite her as it's a huge deal for the family and they spent all their money on her ticket. But I'm now not going to be getting that house guest who's desperate to lovingly nurse me through late pregnancy now - I'm getting a guest who's obsessed with her own pregnancy and probably will now view mine as some kind of close-up case study in what she's got to come.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

I hope that I haven't sounded too moany but I'm just really upset and these constant messages tonight about the flight are grinding on my last nerve.
She even said to me "when I get there can we go and get a scan to check the baby is ok?" F**KING NO! I'm 35 weeks pregnant the day she arrives it's already hard for me to walk and I am NOT spending my time taking her to scans, not to mention the fact she's got no NHS access so it would have to be private. And I'm not sitting there cooing over her pregnancy - I've got my own baby and ds to think about and this is my last baby, I will never do this again and I honestly feel so so so angry and so sad that it's getting spoilt in this way.

Thank you for reading if you got this far, sorry it was just a huge rant. x

 

[Eleanor ace]

Your SIL is young and this must be a very muddled time for her; excitement, fear, nerves about telling her family she's going to be a parent and working out the logistics of having a child on a low income/without a lot of support. It sounds as though she's desperate to enjoy her pregnancy and feels you are the person she can turn to to share her excitement, almost as a partner in the pregnancy (does she have a partner?).
I can totally see why you feel angry at having to share the end of your pregnancy with her, your pregnancy and your baby are special and much longed for, and of course you don't want to have that overshadowed. I think that at the moment this situation is on your mind a lot, you are having to keep it secret so you're bound to be thinking about it and worrying all the time. Once your SIL's pregnancy is out in the open it will probably feel different and it (sadly) won't be all excitement and scan/shopping/baby chat which may make it easier to handle for you.
How many weeks is she? I would encourage her to confide in her family, at least your DH as she will be in your home for several weeks and trying to keep the secret won't be good for either of you. Perhaps the plan for her time with you could change, she could spend more time working with your DH so that she can save some money for the scan & other baby costs, and will be out of your hair more.
Having your DH on the same page might also make it easier to be frank with your SIL and say that you're not comfortable being her sole support system, in light of your pregnancy journey and wanting to focus on the end of your own pregnancy and first weeks with your new little bundle.

 

[Zephram]

I totally understand where you’re coming from with not wanting her pregnancy to overwhelm yours. It’s not great timing with that in mind! To me it sounds like she’s very young and probably scared about what she’s going through and obviously scared of judgement. But at the same time, pregnancy is not actually something you can keep secret because eventually you have an actual baby - right? How far along is she?

I think it’s not fair for her to ask you to keep a secret in that situation as it’s taking a toll on you keeping things from your OH. He might be upset with her, but at the same time she needs people to know for the support as she’ll have a lot to figure out. He won’t be upset forever and it’s not the end of the world to have a baby when you’re young either way, not sure what government support she’ll be able to get where she lives but many young parents continue their studies while pregnant and having young kids. This means that if she’s hard working and prepared to dig in it doesn’t have to derail her life completely.

I would just impress on her that she can’t keep it secret forever, especially not over 9 weeks of staying with you and explain to her that she’ll have to pay for any medical care she needs in the UK while she’s there. Also, if she has bought travel insurance she might not be covered for anything pregnancy related if it’s not declared or part of the plan. I’d probably tell her that if she hasn’t told her brother by the time she boards the plane you will as you won’t keep her secret when she’s in your house.

 

[Stormynights]

I would tell my hubby but tell him not to tell her that I told him and to act surprised when she told him. I've been with my husband for almost 10 years now (since we were 15) and his little sister is almost 21... so very similar dynamics. She's not pregnant though of course and we aren't close enough or situated to have her over as a guest in the same respect.

How far along is she? Is the father in the picture?

 

[Bonnie11]

Oh Talia not an ideal situation! Having someone staying in your house for a long time is hard without adding a baby and pregnancy into the mix.
First thing is you need to tell oh. There's no way she can be in the house without telling him and at least it will give him some time to calm down before she comes rather than it all blowing up while she's there. I would tell her you're going to tell him and then do it, try and pick a calm time where you can talk about it rationally.
It sounds like the best option would be to try and delay the trip, is it really not an option to reschedule the flights? Even if it costs a little bit it may be worth it for the stress relief!

If not you are just going to find a way to make it work. Explain to oh how you are feeling. Find things for her to do while she is here so she's not constantly on top of you. Could she take your other child out to park/playgroups? That way she is being helpful and also giving you a break.

 

[Fire_fly]

I'd be inclined to agree with Bonnie, definitely tell your husband, it's not fair to put in that situation. Just ask him not to put you in the middle of he's upset about the news in regards to you telling him. You've got enough on your plate already. I also think maybe this isn't the best time for her to stay for a few weeks, is there anyway she could visit later? If not, definitely get your oh to take her out etc and give you plenty of time with your newborn on your own. Your totally justified to feel the way you do, it's a special time for you and your immediate little family, I think you should put yourself first. If you can't do that when your heavily pregnant and then have a newborn, when can you.
Hope it all works out x

 

[laura109]

First of all I understand why you feel irritated about weeks of a guest. I personally would have not agreed to such a long stay. I don't even want bothering at all most days. I'm preparing to give birth any day now and the last thing I'd want is a guest. But it's already arranged so I guess you will have to deal with it now as it would be abit tricky to alter it.

As for her being abit wrapped up on herself I suppose it's natural to be excited about your own baby and she's probably looking to you for support as she knows you won't give her grief. Depending on your relationship and how your oh will react id probably tell him. Last thing you want is her admitting in the future she had only told you. Ask your partner to lether tell him herself as you feel in the middle. She is 20 so it's her life and her choice. She will get some experience around you and your newborn which she will probably appreciate. It's just unfortunate that it's such a long visit. I personally can't cope with people around me all the time. I think it stems from me and my mum not being close in that way and therefore I like to cope alone with oh. Never felt the need for a person to move in and help. Others find it a big help. Just do what's right for you and try get oh to take her out some days as you will rightly want time to bond x

 

[Talia12]

Oh thank you all SO much for your responses. Makes me feel soooo much better that I'm not being unreasonable/childish/selfish about this. I knew this was the right place to talk about this!

Well my dh now officially knows. I wrote this rant on Friday night and he got back so late I was way too tired to get into it, so on Saturday morning I messaged her saying, tell him right now or I will. So she phoned and did. I was honest with him (while they were still on the phone) and said I did know but she begged me not to tell you. He just kind of nodded, he was so dumbfounded, so at least he's not pissed off at me about that. He was too shocked to say much to her but he is angry, mostly because he knows the financial impact this will inevitably have on his parents. I can completely understand that.

I agree with you all that it's bad timing for her trip here. (In one sense - in another I realise I could very much appreciate the practical help, especially if I'm not easily mobile after the birth or, and hopefully not, I had to have a c-section or something). There's really nothing I can do about the visit now Her flight is tomorrow and she arrives the following day. I do love her like a sister and I want us to have a nice time together, especially because Christmas is so important to me - I just don't want things to become all about her/her pregnancy. Not while she's a guest in our house. I talked to (read: moaned to) my mum about all this and she says I just need to keep steering the conversation away basically, if she keeps bringing it up. Not that I flat out refuse to talk about her pregnancy of course! But just not to let it be the number one topic of conversation. Cos that'll just piss me off and get me down at a really important and precious time.

I am DEFINITELY going to make sure DH understands it's very important for me to have time alone with the new baby. Somehow he needs to get her out of the house a few days a week at that point (she is his sister after all, not mine!)

This is a situation I wouldn't have chosen for the end of my pregnancy/beginning of my baby's life. It's not at all ideal and, when I'm feeling hormonal, it does keep getting me down (in addition to my feeling that his side of the family has lost interest in this baby now, which makes me sad, especially as my own sister has some issues going on and therefore also isn't interested). However having said that, I'm trying my best to see the best of the situation. Being realistic with you all, I can't do that all the time due to the aforementioned hormones! And just the fact that I'm a bit of an emotional person tbh.......
But it IS Christmas, all the people I love are well, baby is doing well, and I have a lot to be thankful about. As pissed off as I am about aspects of this, and as determined as I am NOT to let any of this be ruined/hijacked/overshadowed, I'm trying to focus on all the things going right.

Maybe her visit will be much better than I'm expecting. I'm holding out hope that she's only been talking about her pregnancy so much because she only just found out, and that it won't be like that all the time (well as I said I won't let it).

Thank you all again for reading and for your responses honestly means so much xxxx

 

[Talia12]

And yes no doubt she's quite scared too. I was 21 when I fell pregnant (accidentally) with DS, but the situation was different as I had time to finish my degree before baby came, plus I was married and living with DH. Her relationship with her boyfriend isn't particularly steady, they get on well but not super serious about each other. I think she doesn't realise what a financial strain this will be, not to mention a strain on their relationship. But there we go. As much as i care about her, and about my in-laws, that's not my problem especially as I'm about to have my own baby.