CurlySue
P.I's Mummy
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- May 12, 2008
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For those of us trying to conceive for a long, long time, there is a very constant, very normal, very biting and very grating sense of resentment when a person gets pregnant on their first month or within a couple of months of trying. Those "Yay, BFP" posts from those that do not understand our heartache fill us with a burning in our stomach; a burning emptiness that comes from both hurt, at the fact that they got something we want, and emptiness in the literal sense, because we don't have anything growing inside of us.
For awhile, there is guilt. "I'm a terrible person," we think, "because I should be happy for those who have what I want."
We think we are awful. We sink a little, ashamed by our reaction, and when the hurt fades we might be able to admit that we are happy for these people.
I've been thinking about it alot, though, today especially since I saw three pregnant clients, all of whom are facing jail time, and I wanted to smack them all for breaking the law when they have something so special; such a perfect gift.
It IS natural that we feel this way. It's natural to want to scream, to curl our hands into fists of frustration, to feel bitter, to feel upset.
I liken it, now, to a long queue in a shop. You've been waiting for hours and hours. You've lined up patiently. You've been nice. You've been polite to the shop assistants and you've grinned and bore it all, yet there are still 100 people in front of you. Yet, you still wait. You still wait because you are desperate for whatever is being sold. You might have even camped out the night before, hoping to get further in line. You might resort to bribery; paying for the pleasure.
Then, when you are feeling at your lowest, at your most dejected, your most tired, when you are feeling that the world is the most unfair, a girl gets her husband to pull up outside the shop door. On the kerb. In a disabled spot, perhaps. She runs out of the car. She ignores the queue that has built up in her absence for hours.
She moves straight to the front. Gets what she wants straight away, without suffering, without waiting, without wanting it so badly that she'd pay for the pleasure, without camping out for hours on end. Perhaps this is your tenth time trying to purchase this item without success, yet without any effort at all she manages to do it, first hand.
We resent the people who move to the front of the queue, bypassing those of us that have patiently waited in line. It's natural to feel let down, to feel hard done by, to wonder WHY THE FECK NOT US?
It's human nature. It's frustrating. And, it IS unfair.
That's why I'm not going to feel guilty for it any more.
For awhile, there is guilt. "I'm a terrible person," we think, "because I should be happy for those who have what I want."
We think we are awful. We sink a little, ashamed by our reaction, and when the hurt fades we might be able to admit that we are happy for these people.
I've been thinking about it alot, though, today especially since I saw three pregnant clients, all of whom are facing jail time, and I wanted to smack them all for breaking the law when they have something so special; such a perfect gift.
It IS natural that we feel this way. It's natural to want to scream, to curl our hands into fists of frustration, to feel bitter, to feel upset.
I liken it, now, to a long queue in a shop. You've been waiting for hours and hours. You've lined up patiently. You've been nice. You've been polite to the shop assistants and you've grinned and bore it all, yet there are still 100 people in front of you. Yet, you still wait. You still wait because you are desperate for whatever is being sold. You might have even camped out the night before, hoping to get further in line. You might resort to bribery; paying for the pleasure.
Then, when you are feeling at your lowest, at your most dejected, your most tired, when you are feeling that the world is the most unfair, a girl gets her husband to pull up outside the shop door. On the kerb. In a disabled spot, perhaps. She runs out of the car. She ignores the queue that has built up in her absence for hours.
She moves straight to the front. Gets what she wants straight away, without suffering, without waiting, without wanting it so badly that she'd pay for the pleasure, without camping out for hours on end. Perhaps this is your tenth time trying to purchase this item without success, yet without any effort at all she manages to do it, first hand.
We resent the people who move to the front of the queue, bypassing those of us that have patiently waited in line. It's natural to feel let down, to feel hard done by, to wonder WHY THE FECK NOT US?
It's human nature. It's frustrating. And, it IS unfair.
That's why I'm not going to feel guilty for it any more.
...i did felt guilty about it...i felt bad for my husband ...
hang in there friend
... or because our ride is broken we get a free VIP pass!!
for the last hour after yet another friend telling me she is pregnant, i feel like giving up at the moment. Hubby just dosnt get it and tells me i cant get upset everytime someone gets pregnant and i should be happy for them!! I am happy for them but i have to admit i am sooooo jealous and i have been feeling so guilty and selfish for feeling like that. 
