A thought about resentment

[CurlySue]

Curleysue - I wish I could put my thoughts and feelings into words like you can

Haha, well, when you have such strong feelings sometimes the words just spill out, and I knew you girls would understand this little analogy. Might make us all feel less guilty...

 

[CurlySue]

thanx curly sue 4 makin me feel "normal" i have been sat here in tears for the last hour after yet another friend telling me she is pregnant, i feel like giving up at the moment. Hubby just dosnt get it and tells me i cant get upset everytime someone gets pregnant and i should be happy for them!! I am happy for them but i have to admit i am sooooo jealous and i have been feeling so guilty and selfish for feeling like that.

ive just had a lap and dye and am getting results next week and am worrying about that and am soo bloody hormonal lol.

your post has made me feel as though i am not a complete cow after all so thankyou

Was in the same position just before Christmas. My OH's auntie announced at the Xmas party that she was pregnant and I smiled for one second. Then my smile faded. Then I was blinking rapidly. Then everyone was looking at me, telling me it was my turn next. Then i was upstairs sobbing like a little girl.

I felt so guilty. So bad. So awful, for resenting her good news, but then I thought "You know what? I have a right to feel this way. She's not been trying. And, she's drinking wine heavily."

I'm sure those who have had no trouble conceiving would understand how frustrating it is to patiently wait in line then see somebody jump the queue. Maybe it's the only way they'll understand the feeling we have, on a much grander scale.

 

[Petal]

Sometimes I feel bad for feeling bad, but I make no apologies for the way I feel towards others. They have no idea what I am going through and it wouldn't make a scrap of difference to their lives even if they did.

I am so glad we didn't tell people that we had stopped using contraception as no-one knows the disappointment we have faced for 16 months. And I don't want anyone's sympathy, empathy from others who have/are going through it yes, but not sympathy and certainly not pity.

Never in my life have I asked the questions "when are you going to have kids, do you want kids, when is it going to be your turn??" etc etc to newly married couples or anyone else. Thats their business and nothing to do with me. Why other people think it's perfectly acceptable to ask that I have no idea. Some people just totally lack the comprehension that there could be things going on in someone else's life that they wish to keep private.
WHEN I'M PREG I'LL LET YOU KNOW SO BACK OFF!!!!

Ahhh, rant over

 

[Koobie1982]

I completely agree with everything that has been said in this post. I think until you are in the position of LTTC you will never understand how you can hurt so much.

My friend was round today with her 1 year old little boy, she told me that her and her boyfriend are going to start trying for another baby after their holiday in a couple of months time as "I know we will get pregnant straight away and I dont want to be pregnant on holiday" If only we all had it that easy.

 

[Charliesays]

I soooooo agree with this thread! I stopped feeling guilty for being resentful very early on in my TTC.....

I became pg in Oct 2005 but had a mc at 9wks. At the same time a supposed friend of mine & collegue at work conceived and proceeded at every moment to tell me everything about her pg despite it reducing me to tears everytime she did so.

The final straw was when she brought in her 12 wk scan pictures for me to look at, I should have had my 12wk scan the week before, I just couldn't believe the insensitivity of it!

That was 3 yrs ago & I still burn inside & want to throttle her even now!!!

I've had no luck TTC since, but I'm very happy for anyone who manages TC, as long as they don't go out of their way to rub my nose in it at every opportunity.

Likewise I look in the TTC section and see the "oh will I ever get a BFP?" questions & I do find myself screaming at the pc "but you've only been TTC for 2 months you silly *@#!!!" . Do I feel bad, nope, its now become a form of tension release for me & a way to let my frustations out which is always useful in our situation!

Well thats my rant for today, gosh, I feel better now!

 

[JASMAK]

I agree, people shouldn't flaunt it. I don't fault people for getting pregnant on their first try. I would not want wish recurrent m/c (my experience) on anyone. I say "my experience" because I don't want to sound like I know what other's have gone through. I don't. I just know myself. So, if I hear of someone getting pregnant on their first try etc...I just think how great that must be. Am I envious? Oh yes! I wish it was me! I wish I could get pregnant at the drop of a hat. One thing tho, and this makes me feel bad/guilty. Although I would never "wish" this on anyone, I do wish people could feel the pain of recurrent m/c, just for a day...so that they would know how much it hurts. And I don't mean just those TTC, I mean EVERYONE. The lady who works at the drug store. My OB/GYN. My husband. My friends. I just wish they understood that these babies are more to me than just a brief positive pregnancy test. So, I feel guilty about that. I do hate it when people gloat or flaunt. It isn't very classy. I can understand the excitement, I have been there. But, pick your place and if there is someone you KNOW is having difficulty TTC - why not make it a little subdued - or announce it to that person first, in private, and let that woman know that you will be announcing it. No surprises.

Ramble, ramble...I hope this made sense. I am not very eloquent. LOL!

 

[Jan34]

Curly Sue - love the analogy! And really good to read that everyone else feels the same as I do. It is so hard not to feel bad about the resentment towards other who have what you want.... mind you, some people deserve it...

One of my friends has just had a baby .... and her hubbie .... well..... he just makes me fume.... they claim (quite vocally and repeatedly) that they got pregnant first time they tried (although we know differently). Anyway, I told them what's going on on the basis that if they know through they'll keep a lid on it. But no. So far, I've had to sit through various insenstive comments - the best of the bunch being 'I wish it had taken us longer to get pregnant because that way I'd have got to have more sex' and 'Why do you think x was the first to get pregnant... ha ha.' Always been good friends and I know he doesn't mean to be insenstive, but really!! Getting to the stage where I dread seeing them.

Compare and contrast to another close friend... knew where we were so told me on my own and was so understanding .... I was so grateful to her for being so considerate.

I know when I get my BFP (btw note pma - when, not if!) I will not make any public annoucements and will tread very carefully - I wouldn't wish the feeling of being on the receiving end on my worst enemy!

 

[CurlySue]

I still feel the same as I always did. I still don't feel guilt. I did, but that's gone now. I've been through a lot, mentally, as have we all, and yet we remain childless. There is no sense of fairness in that. Why is it that we have to mentally suffer anything at all when there are others who do not?

If something does not feel fair it affects us negatively. We could deny ourselves our true feelings but, at the end of the day, we'd still be childless and the resentment would only build up and hurt us more.

I just don't want it rubbed in my face. My other half's auntie stood on a table and announced to the whole room that she was pregnant after coming off the pill the month before. That, to me, was insensitive. That, to me, justifies my resentment.

 

[Farie]

You put it so well honey, what we all feel and cannot express.

 

[CurlySue]

Faerie, sometimes I think if we all learned to express ourselves and 'purge' these emotions it would make us feel a whole lot better. If I bottled every emotion that I had, in relation to TTC, I think I'd have a shelf full. Wouldn't smell like rosewater, either.

I figure it's better out than in. Better expressed than denied. And, if we can't be honest with ourselves during all of this then we are only going to make ourselves feel worse.

 

[wannabmum]

Very well put huni and so so correct,after 50 months ttc 1# I feel exactly the same.


xxx