Advice about surrogacy

[junemomma09]

Hello all, Ive thought about the idea of being a surrogate for a while and honestly, I really want to be able to help another family who cannot conceive or carry their own child. Its recently become more meaningful to me because my best friend in the entire world has been going through fertility problems and has been trying to get pregnant for over 11 years. Having someone so close to me and seeing her struggle with being able to have her own children really hit me. She was able to adopt a beautiful little girl last year. It was amazing because her daughter and my son were both born on the same day.

But, that whole situation has really had me thinking more seriously about becoming a surrogate. I dont want to do egg donation or anything where it would be my own child, because personally i just wouldnt be able to give a child that was my own away. But being able to carry a child that was another couples to help them complete their family and have something they've always wanted would make me feel so wonderful.

Ive always been the type of person who wants to help others the best i can.
My aunt also went through fertility issues and was never able to conceive her own children. She ended up being able to adopt two wonderful children, who were siblings.

I just am not sure about the negative side i always hear about. Because of the hormone injections they make you take, ive been told it increases your changes of developing cancer. Im also worried about the impact it may have on my two children. My son who is 18 months may not really fully understand but my daughter whose 7, i wonder if shes would be able to comprehend everything and the toll it may take on my family.

If anyone has any advice on their situation and if you have been a surrogate what you went through and how you felt before, during and after the process, it would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

 

[Guppy051708]

Hi there! I can't give much of my own advice simply because i have just started my gestational surrogacy journey. I recently signed on with an agency outside of Boston. My profile was sent out last week to IPs (Intended Parents). Anyways, I know someone else who was a surrogate and she has 3 children (3 now, but when she did it she had 2- a 5 year old and a 2 year old). As far as I know her children did beautifully with everything. Your children will take it the way you present it. So if you explain to them (in a way that they would be able to understand) i am sure they will be fine. Just stay positive about it and answer any of their questions

As for the injections, i was reading up on that and although some studies say that (about getting cancer) there are equal amounts of studies that says otherwise. I mean, i suppose the risk is there (as with taking any type of meds) but honestly i dont think the risk is THAT huge. I think it would be safe to say that on *most levels* you wouldn't be any more at risk of getting cancer than if you didn't take it. But, im no doctor.

You should be very proud of what you are thinking of doing!
I will suggest to you a wonderful website:

www.surromomsonline.com

There are lots of people who have online blogs about their journeys as well. You may find this one interesting. I really did!

https://jayleepraise.livejournal.com/?skip=10

I also have started my own blog/journal. It may not be super helpful but if you're interested:
https://fallin2grace.livejournal.com/

Good luck and if you do decide to go through with it, be sure to let me know! I would love a GS Bump Buddie!

 

[alisurro]

If it helps - my twin boys were 4/5 when I was pregnant/had my first surro babe, and they were 6/7 when I was pregnant/had my second surro babe. My daughter is 2 years younger than them.

They think this is the norm, that most all mom's do this (I've had to correct them in their thinking, lol). But they happily tell anyone that listens that the baby in my tummy (when I am pg) is not their sibling, it's for so and so (they say their names) and I'm just helping because the other mom's tummy is broken. They really do get it, and I've seen no attachment between my three and my pregnancies. I've not let them meet the babies and it works for them/us the best, I feel. Both sets of parents live on the east coast, so thousands of miles away, so I felt it best to not let my kids get that involved with the parents or the babies. It's worked for US as I've said, it may work differently for other surrogates, of course.

I am a TS, not a GS. So I don't do shots and such. And while the shots didn't factor into why I chose TS, that is one reason I do not want to do GS - I am very naturally minded, so injecting myself to change my body around for an IVF cycle is not something I really care to do. A GS friend of mine and I do agree, we think sometimes the meds can mess woman up in the future, specifically her own fertility. Her and I have both witnessed some GS going on to have their own babies after doing a surrogacy (or two or three), and the GS has issues getting pg and/or staying pg. It could be a fluke, it could not - but we've both talked at great lengths, wondering if it had to do with the meds the GS once took. That said, THAT GS became pg quite easily with her third after doing one GS herself.. so, it's hard to say!

I hope that helps.

 

[junemomma09]

Thanks ladies! I appreciate the advice!
Spoke with my OH in depth about it and he's actually very opened minded about it and is quite proud that I want to do something like that for another couple. He is a bit worried I may get attached and be heartbroken if I did go through with it and had to let the baby go after birth.
How do you keep from getting attached and deal with the end result of handing over the baby? Does this mean I shouldn't go through with it since I'm even thinking about how I'd handle everything and worrying if I would get attached?

 

[Guppy051708]

I would be worried if you wernt worried about how to handle it! That is perfectly natural and expected. For me though, I think knowing the baby isn't mine helps. Also I throw a positive spin on it. I don't view it as "giving the baby up", I view it as the baby meeting mom and dad for the first time

I actually answered that question in my journal. I believe I gave you the link so feel free to look

 

[junemomma09]

Thanks guppy! Its so hard to know what a "normal" feeling is because I don't know anyone who is a surrogate. Its nice to have others to talk to about how you're feeling and such.
So how far along in the process are you?

I applied to two different agencies but haven't heard anything back yet. I wonder if I should keep looking. I'm worried I won't be accepted due to having a high risk pregnancy with my son last year. My pregnancy with my daughter was pretty normal, besides having bad morning sickness up through 12 weeks and being hospitalized due to dehydration.

Hmmm...makes me feel bad cuz I really want to help a family, but an agency may not accept me because of my last pregnancy.

 

[Sweet_Mama]

Thanks guppy! Its so hard to know what a "normal" feeling is because I don't know anyone who is a surrogate. Its nice to have others to talk to about how you're feeling and such.
So how far along in the process are you?

I applied to two different agencies but haven't heard anything back yet. I wonder if I should keep looking. I'm worried I won't be accepted due to having a high risk pregnancy with my son last year. My pregnancy with my daughter was pretty normal, besides having bad morning sickness up through 12 weeks and being hospitalized due to dehydration.

Hmmm...makes me feel bad cuz I really want to help a family, but an agency may not accept me because of my last pregnancy.

Hi there. I've been a gestational surrogate twice, delivering twins in 06 and a singleton in 08. What about your pregnancy with your son was high risk exactly? That could be the determining factor in whether or not an agency approves you. Also, has your OB cleared your for another pregnancy? Sometimes a letter from your OB helps in these cases. Either way, good luck. I never used an agency and went indy both times, but have a wonderful friend that owns an agency if you'd like her information. Please feel free to ask me any questions you may have.

Christine
GSx2
Momx3 (soon to be x4)

 

[junemomma09]

[/QUOTE]
Hi there. I've been a gestational surrogate twice, delivering twins in 06 and a singleton in 08. What about your pregnancy with your son was high risk exactly? That could be the determining factor in whether or not an agency approves you. Also, has your OB cleared your for another pregnancy? Sometimes a letter from your OB helps in these cases. Either way, good luck. I never used an agency and went indy both times, but have a wonderful friend that owns an agency if you'd like her information. Please feel free to ask me any questions you may have.

Christine
GSx2
Momx3 (soon to be x4)[/QUOTE]

Hi thanks for replying!!! At 17 weeks I had what was either a partial placenta abruption or a hema-something, where i had a bleed on my uterus. I cant remember the term they said. But basically when I initially had the bleed, they said it was one thing, then when I had my followup ultrasounds in the hospital, just days later as i was admitted, they said it was something completely different.
They found a low lying placenta at 13 weeks, then it went on the being placenta previa, then moved completely out of the way by 30 weeks. But when they found that out, they then found at 30 weeks, i had low amniotic fluid, for which i was hospitalized and given non stop fluids for 4 days and it increased the fluids. Nothing was ever wrong with my son, he had always been healthy, and his heart rate and everything never suffered. I went on to have a normal delivery and no complications, other than the fact the nurse gave me too much meds and it bottomed out my blood pressure, they had to give me meds to bring my blood pressure back up twice, which made me sick. ugh!
anyways, i had a normal pregnancy, no complications with my daughter.

I am looking for an agency to work with. I of course would research any agency I chose to work with.

 

[Sweet_Mama]

Hi there. I've been a gestational surrogate twice, delivering twins in 06 and a singleton in 08. What about your pregnancy with your son was high risk exactly? That could be the determining factor in whether or not an agency approves you. Also, has your OB cleared your for another pregnancy? Sometimes a letter from your OB helps in these cases. Either way, good luck. I never used an agency and went indy both times, but have a wonderful friend that owns an agency if you'd like her information. Please feel free to ask me any questions you may have.

Christine
GSx2
Momx3 (soon to be x4)[/QUOTE]

Hi thanks for replying!!! At 17 weeks I had what was either a partial placenta abruption or a hema-something, where i had a bleed on my uterus. I cant remember the term they said. But basically when I initially had the bleed, they said it was one thing, then when I had my followup ultrasounds in the hospital, just days later as i was admitted, they said it was something completely different.
They found a low lying placenta at 13 weeks, then it went on the being placenta previa, then moved completely out of the way by 30 weeks. But when they found that out, they then found at 30 weeks, i had low amniotic fluid, for which i was hospitalized and given non stop fluids for 4 days and it increased the fluids. Nothing was ever wrong with my son, he had always been healthy, and his heart rate and everything never suffered. I went on to have a normal delivery and no complications, other than the fact the nurse gave me too much meds and it bottomed out my blood pressure, they had to give me meds to bring my blood pressure back up twice, which made me sick. ugh!
anyways, i had a normal pregnancy, no complications with my daughter.

I am looking for an agency to work with. I of course would research any agency I chose to work with.[/QUOTE]

Well that doesnt' sound too complicated except for a possible misdiagnosis. I also had a low lying placenta, twice, with my own pregnancies. It may depend on what it says in your medical records. It won't be the agency that doesn't approve you, I think, but if something was really wrong the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) may disqualify you. It doesn't sound bad to me, though. I wouldn't say anything about abruption unless asked though, that is a yucky thing. It sounds like a SCH, or a bleed, which I also had with the twin pregnancy, very early on, very common with IVF, so no big deal most of the time.

Your biggest obstacle with an agency, or anyone, will be your medical insurance: Do you have it, which kind, and does it have an exclusion to surrogacy? It is difficult, not impossible, to get a policy without an exclusion these days, but any IP's (intended parents) you work with would have to incur the cost of it.

Again, please ask me any questions. I'm an open book. PM me if you'd like.

Hugs,
Christine

 

[Guppy051708]

I am working with CSED (the center for surrogacy and egg donation). It's outside of Boston, Mass. I know someone who HIGHLY recommened Simple Surrogacy. I do NOT recommend Circle Surrogacy (outside of Boston). i did not like them neither did a few others i know.

As for your medical condition....i guess its hard to say. Im sure there would be some agency out there (or even if you go indy), but just make sure you have a long talk with them...as the placenta is one of the biggest factors in a successful pregnancy. Plus getting everything to stick and all. But dont worry im sure there is someone out there

RE: the insurance...do NOT ask questions to the insurance company (thats what my agency told me) because if you start asking the insurance company questions they may start red flagging everything. The agency lawyers are doing ALL of the insurance stuff (to make sure i qualify and all but not flag anything down). The way it usually works is the IVF is COMPLETLY covered by the IM (intended mother). Then once your pregnant your insurance kicks in just as being preggo if the child was you're own. This is DEF something you want the lawyer to look into and not you. Insurance is tricky and you dont want anything to get messed up or denied. Also, if you dont have insurance or you dont have a very good plan, agencies will still accept you. They will make the IPs (intended parents) pay for a special health care plan that is specific for the situation of pregnancy/surrogacy. This is NEVER ment to be an out of pocket expense to you

 

[junemomma09]

Thanks ladies!! unfortunately i dont currently have insurance. with this economy its hard enough to even keep a job, let alone get insurance from an employer. Im in jacksonville, so im not sure if id be able to work with an agency in boston. hmmm....i know there are co pays and such with insurance as well and I cant afford to pay those.

After my son was born, he never said or gave any indication that I couldnt try or get pregnant again. He said the chances of me having another complicated pregnancy was just as any other woman having one with her first pregnancy. So i dont know. the only good part about having those issues was that i had an ultrasound every month.

Thanks for all your advice though...any and all advice is most certainly welcome!!

 

[Guppy051708]

yeah, we have insurance through DHs work but its still SUPER expensive!
Anyways, they pay for traveling, time off work, EVERYTHING. You just put it in your contract and its all covered! So travel and all that is no problem (like i said this will never be an out of pocket expense to you.

Its okay if you dont have insurance (or if you have it and you have a hefy copay/coinsurance. If you have nothing there is a plan that the IPs pay for you and it covers everything (you qualify, you get the care and you dont pay A THING). If you have insurance but you have a deductible/coinsurance (I do $400 deductable for me, plus $1500 coinsurance plus premium) and they pay all of it (the IPs). So the lawyers will look into whatever it is you have and tell the IPs, then the IPs come up with ALL of the money that isn't covered (or for the plan they will take out for you), and thats how its paid. You will NEVER pay anything.

 

[MoonMuffin]

Nice to see an active surrogacy thread, especially some US girls ! I'd love to do surrogacy since I'm finished having kids, Its something I've wanted to do for a few years now. First I need to lose a bit of weight so I can get into the required weight range for most agencies, and I'd like to get a steady job as an illustrator. But I think I can realistically start the process within the next 2 years.

 

[junemomma09]

yeah, im not finished having kids, but we arent trying for another one for at least 3 more years, as we have so much going on we need to accomplish first. I for one LOVE being pregnant, and really want to help another family who is either unable to get pregnant or carry a pregnancy. I think it would feel so amazing to give another couple the gift ive been blessed to have.

 

[odd_socks]

Thanks ladies! I appreciate the advice!
Spoke with my OH in depth about it and he's actually very opened minded about it and is quite proud that I want to do something like that for another couple. He is a bit worried I may get attached and be heartbroken if I did go through with it and had to let the baby go after birth.
How do you keep from getting attached and deal with the end result of handing over the baby? Does this mean I shouldn't go through with it since I'm even thinking about how I'd handle everything and worrying if I would get attached?

ive thought about doing it too but thats what worries me, beens im so broody and want my own child could i really go through all that and be able to give it up

 

[alisurro]

I didn't have insurance either and I am a surrogate. My IPs just purchased a policy for me, pay the monthly premiums and all copays, deductibles, etc. You just have to make sure the policy will cover you as a surrogate. Mine does, of course, though we had to get it active before conception happened, otherwise pregnancy is considered pre-existing, of course (for an individual policy).

I do always recommend a woman be DONE with her own family. I've known surrogates that have lost a tube due to an ectopic (she still had the other, of course), and worse. It's best to be done yourself. If you're looking at being a GS, many IPs and agencies have no issues with a woman being in her late 30's even (some even into their 40's!).

 

[Guppy051708]

You just have to make sure the policy will cover you as a surrogate. Mine does, of course, though we had to get it active before conception happened, otherwise pregnancy is considered pre-existing, of course (for an individual policy).

President Obama enacted a law now stating that it is illegal to deny a woman insurance based on being pregnant. It is illegal to use pregnancy as a pre-existing condition.

BUT if you want the IVF and all of that jazz covered, then you'll need to get it pre conception (if the IPs arn't paying out of pocket for it)

 

[alisurro]

You just have to make sure the policy will cover you as a surrogate. Mine does, of course, though we had to get it active before conception happened, otherwise pregnancy is considered pre-existing, of course (for an individual policy).

President Obama enacted a law now stating that it is illegal to deny a woman insurance based on being pregnant. It is illegal to use pregnancy as a pre-existing condition.

BUT if you want the IVF and all of that jazz covered, then you'll need to get it pre conception (if the IPs arn't paying out of pocket for it)

Not all parts of his plan are in play yet. I know for a group policy, they can't consider it pre-existing, but for an individual policy - pregnancy is still considered pre-existing.

I know of NO policy (group or individual) that covers fertility treatments for a surrogate. You may be able to get your policy to cover bloodwork and such, depending on how the RE bills it (as OB and not infertility), but not for an actual IUI or IVF.