Advice after loss

[addie25]

I was 8 weeks when I found out I was a carrier for cystic fibrosis. I was 10 weeks when we found out my husband is a carrier for cystic fibrosis. I was 12 weeks when I got a CVS done and I was 13 weeks pregnant when I found out for sure my baby had the most advanced case of Cystic Fibrosis. I was 14 weeks when I had a D&C.

I had a D&C done a couple days ago. I have been dealing with this for weeks and thought I was doing better. I wake up in the middle of the night crying saying over and over how I want my baby. I start crying during the day even if I am having a good time. How do you put this behind you?

We will start IVF in May or June. This is the only way to be positive the next baby will be healthy. If we conceive naturally we have a 1 in 4 chance the baby will be sick again so we will not do that.

Has anyone had a similar situation??? Also if you had a d&c how did you feel after??? I am not bleeding and never really had much blood and I am cramping now but the doctor called me back and said that was normal.

Any support would be appreciated.

 

[NatashaZ]

Oh hun, I am so sorry for your loss. While my situation is different than yours, I also wake up at night longing for my baby, so I know the pain you are feeling. I think focusing on your future IVF treatments would be a good way to regain a sense of control over the situation. As for your D&C, I also did not bleed much and my cramps were brief. I was in more pain prior to the procedure (physically, at least). From what my doc told me, some women bleed for a week or more, and cramp heavily, while some do not at all.

 

[addie25]

I am sorry for your loss as well. I did not bleed really. Only ater the surgery did I bleed for a couple hours and then nothing really the day after or today. Cramping just a bit but I was glad to hear that is normal. Thinking about IVF makes me happy but its still a couple months away. Its just so hard and my husband has been a great support to me and that helps but I still can not seem to regain control and just break down. I just do not get why doctors do not test you before you get pregnant to see if you can pass anything to the baby. All of this pain could have been avoided. I just keep thinking of the ultrasound and the baby showing us his or her fingers and kicking and it breaks my heart. I just don't know how to move on.

 

[NatashaZ]

At first I had no idea how to move on, either. My fears ranged from never wanting to have sex again, to having future medical issues leading to the same result as this pregnancy, to fearing that my desire to be pregnant again is just an attempt to replace the (irreplaceable) baby #1.

I saw a small, tiny light at the end of the tunnel when my OH wrote "To better days..." on a slip of paper and handed it to me over dinner. There is no comfort in what has happened to us but there is comfort in knowing that you can hope for a better outcome next time, that you have learned a lot from this and changed as a person, as a family. I feel as though I can overcome anything if I can make it through this, that somehow my family will be strengthened by this baby that left us too soon. That baby taught me more about life, myself, my relationship, than I could have learned in a lifetime by myself.

I don't know if any of that helps you any, and I'm sorry I rambled on a bit but I hope you too see the light somehow and are able to enjoy looking towards the future and what it might bring.

 

[addie25]

At first I had no idea how to move on, either. My fears ranged from never wanting to have sex again, to having future medical issues leading to the same result as this pregnancy, to fearing that my desire to be pregnant again is just an attempt to replace the (irreplaceable) baby #1.

I saw a small, tiny light at the end of the tunnel when my OH wrote "To better days..." on a slip of paper and handed it to me over dinner. There is no comfort in what has happened to us but there is comfort in knowing that you can hope for a better outcome next time, that you have learned a lot from this and changed as a person, as a family. I feel as though I can overcome anything if I can make it through this, that somehow my family will be strengthened by this baby that left us too soon. That baby taught me more about life, myself, my relationship, than I could have learned in a lifetime by myself.

I don't know if any of that helps you any, and I'm sorry I rambled on a bit but I hope you too see the light somehow and are able to enjoy looking towards the future and what it might bring.

Talking with you does help, thank you. I get moments during the day were I am so happy but then I crash. I think my highs are 2 high and my lows get really low. As my husband just said it has only been 2 days since the surgery and I am expecting 2 much from myself to not be this hurt. I just hate feeling like this and May seems like 4ever from now and not even sure if May will be the month we start with IVF. How long ago did you loose your 1st? (You do not have to answer if this is 2 personal)

 

[NatashaZ]

My loss began last week and was finalized by a d&c this past Tuesday. For the past 2 weeks, I had been in a daze of anger and hopelessness. I only began to feel better yesterday, realizing that I can't stay focused on what happened or feel afraid or anxious for the future. I am not a religious person, but every night I "talk" to my mom, who passed away last April, and ask her to greet and love my lost baby for me. It is silly but calms me when I need to sleep and allows me private time to remember the two people I love the most.

You will have high highs and low lows, and then feel guilty for feeling good, and angry for feeling sad. I think it is normal, but just because it's normal doesn't mean you should just put up with it till you feel better. I think support groups and therapy can be very helpful during life events such as this. If you doctor can recommend one, I would consider it. I am going for counseling on the same day as my follow-up appointment next week, and I hope it will help me deal with some of my worries for the future.

 

[addie25]

My loss began last week and was finalized by a d&c this past Tuesday. For the past 2 weeks, I had been in a daze of anger and hopelessness. I only began to feel better yesterday, realizing that I can't stay focused on what happened or feel afraid or anxious for the future. I am not a religious person, but every night I "talk" to my mom, who passed away last April, and ask her to greet and love my lost baby for me. It is silly but calms me when I need to sleep and allows me private time to remember the two people I love the most.

You will have high highs and low lows, and then feel guilty for feeling good, and angry for feeling sad. I think it is normal, but just because it's normal doesn't mean you should just put up with it till you feel better. I think support groups and therapy can be very helpful during life events such as this. If you doctor can recommend one, I would consider it. I am going for counseling on the same day as my follow-up appointment next week, and I hope it will help me deal with some of my worries for the future.

My husband got us into counseling when we found out the baby could be sick and it does help but not 2 much. I am just scared bc its not a matter of ok I lost this one I will try again in 2 months. Its, OMG we are both carriers for cysitc fibrosis this can happen every time we get pregnant and thats why we are doing IVF. I am scared they will mess up with IVF and we will be in the same situation. I am going to the top doctor to do this I made sure of that but I am still scared out of my mind and scared that we could get pregnant by accident it makes me not want to have sex again till I go back on birth control. I am not doing that till after I have a baby tho. Again, my husband is understanding and very supporting of whatever I want to do but the fear is overwhelming.

Its great that u talk to ur mom. I did that before I knew the baby was sick with my grandpa and grandma and asked them to help us with our situation. I kind of lost all faith after we found out the news and cant find my way to believing in that stuff anymore.

 

[NatashaZ]

I'm so sorry hun Yes, our situations are different and I can't offer any advice in regards to the IVF or cystic fibrosis, all I can say is that as hard as it is not to worry, worrying and being afraid won't help. If you go forth only thinking of the bad things that might happen, you won't be as present in trying to move along the good. I know it sounds cliche and that it is really, really hard, but you have to try. You have to give yourself a chance to accept what has happened and how that might limit you in the future while also being hopeful for the treatments you will have. I really do believe that while positive thinking won't just magically change things, it IS healthier than negativity, and life is just easier with the right outlook. Hang in there, don't beat yourself up if you have a bad day or feel lousy about life. It happens. Just take it one day at a time until you can transition to a better state of mind. And post here often, everyone is so loving and supportive, it is very helpful

 

[addie25]

Thank you again. I am doing better I mean I went out with a friend and had a great time and didn't get upset. I think it is a night when I shut down so I need to try and think of something I can do at night to relax. I wish you luck as well and know we will both have our little ones soon!

 

[NatashaZ]

I am glad you had a fun time out with friends! And yes, good luck to us both, I hope that by next year we have big, huge bumps!

 

[addie25]

LOL Yes I hope I have a huggggggge bump. I told my husband be4 we even got pregnant that I would love to be big for october so I could dress up as a planet (I am a teacher and my students would find that very funny) Hopefully now I get to do that!

Also, do you know if you are allowed to go for massages after a d&c or should I wait a little bit. I am no sure if pressure on the back is good thing or not???

 

[NatashaZ]

Actually, I have to ask my doc about massages. I am sure it is ok at this point (and would be amazingly AWESOME and relaxing), but I was told not to prior and never really asked why... sounds kinda weird, doesn't it?

 

[addie25]

You were told not to get a massage before the d&c or you were told not 2 during pregnancy???

 

[NatashaZ]

I was told not to during pregnancy. I never asked why, and I don't really know why they said I couldn't, but I would loooooove one right now. Going to ask my doc on Tuesday.

 

[addie25]

During pregnancy u can't becaus the pressure can cause ubtogo into labor but i don't c y after a d&c u can't get one?