Advice for getting first child used to the idea of a sibling... Please!

[Mandyp87]

Ok so ever since ds was born we knew we wanted another child at some point, but due to circumstance we have put it off, maybe a bit long... Ds is going to be 5 in April. We have just started ttc and have been talking to ds about the possibility of a baby brother or sister, and he's totally against it, whereas last year he was asking for a sibling.. We have tried telling him how fun it will be to be a big brother, etc but nothing seems to convince him... And now I'm worried that if we don't get him used to the idea when #2 arrives he will react badly, eg behaviour at home or school or even towards the baby... Should we even not have another child because of his feelings about it? I would appreciate any thoughts or advice! Thanks

 

[Smille24]

I'm going through the same thing. My 5 yr old has been asking for a sibling for a few yrs now but we had to put it off bc of circumstances. Now we're ttc and she doesn't seem interested. She told me if she has a brother she'll sell it and she may keep it if she has a sister. Later she said she would keep her brother. I don't think that you should not have another child for fear of your sons reaction. He may suprise you and be ok with it. I think boys are different than girls so I don't have any experience. Girls tend to be more nurturing so being an older sibling is exciting to them. My cousin's stepson is 10 and when they found out they were expecting he wasn't thrilled. When the baby came he was fine. I know there's a big age difference with what you're going through but it gives some insight. Sorry I'm not much help.

 

[Mandyp87]

Thanks, it does help

 

[Kte]

If you take him on the journey with you, seeing the bump grow and scans etc and helping pic stuff out. It may help. My daughter was younger but we tried to involve her lots and there are lots of books and things out there to get to read together etc that helps with feelings about new things coming along. Lots of kids in my DD's school have recently had new siblings and they are usually excited and can't wait to tell everyone in the class and show their little brother sister off.

 

[EleanoirRigby]

My daughter is almost 5 and she has been asking for a sibling since she was 3, and we had been trying for 3 and a half years and finally just gave up, which was when we got a bfp. She was the one we told first and she was (is?) so excited. She went from absolutely loving the idea to being a little hesitant about the idea of a baby in the house. She thought we didn't love her anymore and that's why we needed a new baby. We're having her go to every ultrasound/"non-invasive" dr's appointments so she can see what's going on and have the dr. there if she has any questions that I or my husband can't answer. We want her to be happy and comfortable with the new baby and most importantly we want her to know she is still valued and loved, no matter what. It's going to be rough at some points, but worth it in the end. The best advice I have is to keep communication open and keep your little one(s) involved so they can understand.

 

[RachA]

Personally I'd stop mentioning having another baby to him. Whilst some children respond well to being included in the ttc journey and then being pregnant, others don't and keep talking about it will make him feel like the possible new baby is more important.
Obviously keep the communication open but let it be on his terms. When you are pregnant and he asks you questions then tell him. But if he doesn't mention it don't say anything to him. He still wants to feel important to you and that means talking to him about what he wants to talk about.

I think sometimes we are at great pains to reassure a child but what we actually do is worry them more. You've got at least another 9 months before a baby would arrive-plenty of time for him to get used to the idea on his own. And I certainly wouldn't shelve the idea of having another baby just because your son doesn't want a sibling.

 

[tallybee]

Personally I'd stop mentioning having another baby to him. Whilst some children respond well to being included in the ttc journey and then being pregnant, others don't and keep talking about it will make him feel like the possible new baby is more important.
Obviously keep the communication open but let it be on his terms. When you are pregnant and he asks you questions then tell him. But if he doesn't mention it don't say anything to him. He still wants to feel important to you and that means talking to him about what he wants to talk about.

I think sometimes we are at great pains to reassure a child but what we actually do is worry them more. You've got at least another 9 months before a baby would arrive-plenty of time for him to get used to the idea on his own. And I certainly wouldn't shelve the idea of having another baby just because your son doesn't want a sibling.

I agree with this

It's such a long term thing for them to grasp at that age, it might be quite confusing. It's different in my situation as my two are older so can understand more, but we didn't involve them in a ttc decision or anything. They know how babies are made so it'd probably have grossed them out lol.

We waited until having had the first scan before telling them as well to make sure bubs was ok before getting their hopes up x

 

[MoonLove]

My daughter is younger than your child (3.5yo) but being the only child in the whole family i was sure she'd have some sort of jealousy toward her baby brother.

I told her that i had a baby in my tummy, i didn't mention the idea of him being another child of mine, or her brother (i figured she wouldn't understand the concept, as like i said, there are no other children in the family) - i just referred to him as a baby. She knew and understood that there was something inside my growing belly, and when i went to hospital, she understood i had to go to 'push him out'. She came to visit me and we didn't force her to touch or hold him or anything like that, she looked at him and i showed her my tummy and that he wasn't inside it anymore.

He is just 2 months old now and she has had absolutely no jealousy whatsoever, i have been so blessed with her wonderful and accepting behaviour. I honestly think she believes him to be almost like a new pet, a being to look after, not a child like herself. We obviously call him her brother, but because he is so different from her, she sees him as a little baby who drinks milk, cries and sleeps.

When i was 5 my mother had my sister and i had insane jealousy, i really do think it is an age thing. I understood that i had been the only child for all that time and everyone cooing over baby did get to me. I got used to it, i enjoyed the time when my sister was a toddler rather than a baby. I know it must be hard on older children at first, when a baby doesn't exactly DO much, but after a short amount of time, baby just becomes part of your family Best of luck TTC

 

[Septie]

I don't think girls are necessarily more nurturing than boys. My 2 boys (5 and 3) are thrilled to be having another baby...It must be just the kid's personality. Wait a few months and then perhaps approach the subject again. Lots of things can change in a few months time...

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

I would also stop mentioning it for the time being. You can still lay some ground work by reading books with siblings (not specifically about a new baby but Franklin the turtle, Little Critter and Berenstain Bears all have various books with sibling interaction) and comment if he is watching something that has siblings- especially if they are having fun. Lots of shows depict the younger sibling as being a pest and he's probably gotten horror stories about damaged toys etc from kids at school. Show him examples of why siblings are awesome, but you don't need to say "see, wouldn't that be nice", just plant the seed.

Our son was 4.5 when DD was born, our journey was a little different because he knows of our loss and we talk about that baby too but he LOVES his sister (we have to limit how many kisses he can give her!).

I think it's slightly unrealistic to think his behaviour won't be impacted because even your behaviour will be. Bringing in someone new takes adjusting for everyone. DS acted out toward me and DH by not listening and stomping whenever he didn't get his way but DD is 5 weeks old and we have all found our groove.

I wouldn't give up having another, he could decide next week that it's a lovely idea.

 

[Mandyp87]

Thanks everyone for your replies, I haven't been on for a few weeks so only just read them... I got my bfp quicker than expected lol I'm only 4 weeks so going to wait till I start growing till I tell him, hopefully he'll take it ok. On the plus side we offered to move his bedroom into the bigger spare room, so he can have a big boys room with more space to play etc, and he can chose how to decorate it etc, and without any mention from us, he said ' yeah, then you can give my old small room to the baby' so I think he's coming round to the idea

 

[MoonLove]

Thanks everyone for your replies, I haven't been on for a few weeks so only just read them... I got my bfp quicker than expected lol I'm only 4 weeks so going to wait till I start growing till I tell him, hopefully he'll take it ok. On the plus side we offered to move his bedroom into the bigger spare room, so he can have a big boys room with more space to play etc, and he can chose how to decorate it etc, and without any mention from us, he said ' yeah, then you can give my old small room to the baby' so I think he's coming round to the idea

Congratulations!!
I put my daughter in the bigger room last June (having just had my bfp in May) and it was a huge positive in terms of her feeling like she was more grown up. Good luck x