Advice on how to tell my infertile sister I'm pregnant.

[BabyDue]

Hi everyone. I'm hoping this is the right place to post this. If it isn't, I'm really sorry! I'm just sure where to turn for advice.

My sister has been TTC for several years, and has been through clomid and most recently a couple of IUIs. She will find out in a couple of weeks whether or not this round worked.

I am almost six weeks pregnant. I haven't told anyone yet, except my husband.

I know I need to tell her, I just don't know how or when. It will make her sad (I know she will be happy for me, but she will still be very sad). I don't know if I should tell her now, before she gets the results of the IUI, or wait in the hopes that she has great news for me too.

I am considering waiting until my first ultrasound at 12 weeks, in case I miscarry anyway and save her the pain of having to hear that I'm pregnant at all.

Is it better to tell her in person or would it be better for her in another way?

I just so badly do not want to cause her any more pain that she already is carrying. I would appreciate any advice at all, thank you so much.

 

[uwa_amanda]

Hi everyone. I'm hoping this is the right place to post this. If it isn't, I'm really sorry! I'm just sure where to turn for advice.

My sister has been TTC for several years, and has been through clomid and most recently a couple of IUIs. She will find out in a couple of weeks whether or not this round worked.

I am almost six weeks pregnant. I haven't told anyone yet, except my husband.

I know I need to tell her, I just don't know how or when. It will make her sad (I know she will be happy for me, but she will still be very sad). I don't know if I should tell her now, before she gets the results of the IUI, or wait in the hopes that she has great news for me too.

I am considering waiting until my first ultrasound at 12 weeks, in case I miscarry anyway and save her the pain of having to hear that I'm pregnant at all.

Is it better to tell her in person or would it be better for her in another way?

I just so badly do not want to cause her any more pain that she already is carrying. I would appreciate any advice at all, thank you so much.

I think it is wonderful that you are putting your sister's feelings into consideration. I wish more people would do that.

I think you need to talk to her alone and let her know that you completely understand if she wants to distance herself long enough to let the announcement sink in. Also, let her know that you are there for her no matter what happens with her IUI. It is completely normal for infertile women who are struggling to get upset and distance themselves for a while. I know I went through that. I would talk to her before you talk to everyone else...I'm sure she wouldn't want to hear from someone else that her sister is pregnant. It could possibly make her feel guilty for letting her emotions "put up a wall" so to speak and make her appear to be unsupportive. I would rather be told before the end of my cycle before the devastation of a failed IUI should it not work. My fingers are crossed for her!

LTTTC is definitely one of the most draining things a couple can go through. My husband and I tried for six years and NTNP for one more before deciding to let it go. Your sister is probably going through a laundry list of emotions similar to grieving the loss of a loved one...only it happens every single month at the arrival of her period. It's a vicious cycle and one I would NEVER wish on my worst enemy. You go through bouts of depression, anger, sadness, jealousy, and then guilt that you are going through all of these things and then feeling like you are not "woman" enough to give your husband a baby. You feel like you are somehow being punished for past transgressions or broken.

I didn't mean for this to be so long winded! Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope everything goes very smoothly for you. You'll have to come back here and let us know how your sister is doing with her IUI and how she reacts to your announcement. If you need any other advice, you can PM me if you'd like!

 

[longing]

Hi, didn't want to read and run. I have not much to add really, Amanda has said it all. Congratulations and it is so lovely you are asking. You must be a fab sis. Tell her first if you can. I agree about telling her before her results xxx

 

[Wobbles]

I've moved this to first trimester. If I'd have left it in LTTTC I don't think it would have been long before it got heated. Hopefully girls here will have further advice for you!

 

[Olivette]

I think the advice uwa_amanda gave is pretty spot on. I don't actually have any other advice, as I think she covered it really well! I think if I was in that situation I would really appreciate being told face to face. I think prior to getting results would be slightly better than after a failed attempt, but that being said if it was me who was pregnant and my sister in that situation, I'd want to lean towards being 12 weeks, just incase something happened.. you know?

It sounds like you have thought this through a lot, which is great as some may not be as supportive of their siblings are you obviously seem to be! Let her know she's loved, and that you understand she may need some time or space to adjust to the new circumstances.

Ox

 

[Olivette]

I think the advice uwa_amanda gave is pretty spot on. I don't actually have any other advice, as I think she covered it really well! I think if I was in that situation I would really appreciate being told face to face. I think prior to getting results would be slightly better than after a failed attempt, but that being said if it was me who was pregnant and my sister in that situation, I'd want to lean towards being 12 weeks, just incase something happened.. you know?

It sounds like you have thought this through a lot, which is great as some may not be as supportive of their siblings are you obviously seem to be! Let her know she's loved, and that you understand she may need some time or space to adjust to the new circumstances.

Ox

 

[capegirl7]

I was in the EXACT same position when I got pregnant with number one. My sister had been trying for several years and it was unexplained fertility. We are so close I know I had to tell her. She would have known. I went over her house and told her in person. She was shocked and even cried. But she was so happy for me. And it was hard all 9 months because she never fell pregnant but she was supportive and never wished anything to happen to me. She is SO close with my daughter. She is now 17 weeks pregnant with twin girls. Good luck. It is going to be hard, I know the exact feeling

 

[george83]

My mum went through the same thing with her sister many years ago and although I honestly don't know how she told her, I do know that now they are still close. My Aunty went on to adopt my two cousins and I'm sure it was difficult at the time but it hasn't ruined their relationship. Good luck x x

 

[Canadian]

First off, it is nice you are thinking of your sister in this situation.
As someone who had a hard time conceiving and working with fertility specialists, I will say that I would never wish fertility struggles on anyone, especially my own sister.
Yes, it can be hard at times particularly with social media seeing someone newly pregnant every other day BUT personally it never made me want them to have to struggle with something like this.
Only thing I found hard and kind of offensive were ppl who would say flippant insensitive things like "didn't want second baby now, messes up our plans" or go on how easy it is to get pregnant. But that's my own thing and I think your sister will be happy for you. You can be sad for yourself while being thrilled for someone you love.

 

[_jellybean_]

Definitely face to face. I agree with letting her know that it's okay if she wants to distance herself a bit. It's so hard. I was on the other side--for ten years or so it did not look like I would have my own children b/c I'm disabled, and everyone around me was getting pregnant! It helped me though to be told face to face, but I have to be honest--there were times that I wished for a phone call instead so I could pretend I was happy easier, if that makes sense. One thing that did help me was whenever I asked to see my nephew, I was ALWAYS allowed--to babysit whenever I wanted. It made me feel so special, and I have an incredible bond with my first nephew.

 

[wellsk]

Like the others, I think that it's so thoughtful of you to really think about your sister!
I also completely agree with uwa amanda a lot, she has described the pain really well!

But for me personally (as someone who was also LTTTC), I would think that writing her a letter would be better than telling her face to face. As a lot of people (who didn't know about our problems) would just spring their pregnancy announcement on me, and I found it really difficult to keep composure, but it wasn't fair on them to be nothing other than happy.

I would've preferred to have a letter saying that someone close to me was pregnant and that they understood that I might need time or distance. But hoping that I could be a big part of their baby's life.

 

[pcsoph2890]

wow being another LTTTC and IVF success (so far) i would be so happy for you, but obviously sad at the same time.
Does she know you were TTC? If she did then it's won't be much of a surprise for her. But i agree tell her before anyone else. Get her as involved as she wants to be - but depending on how she reacts give her time to come around as it is like a kick in the stomach each time someone announces they are pregnant/given birth etc (but i found harder to deal with for associates not friends/family as genuinely so happy from those close to me.
You know your sister better than anyone and only you know how best to approach it - whether face to face or in a letter (not email though far too impersonal).

I'm sure she'll be so happy for you, and that she'll be getting a little neice and nephew. Later on take her shopping with you (if she wants to - as might be too much for her) but let her ask questions/broach the subject - don't waft it in her face (hard i know when you'll be getting bigger).

Hope this helps and good luck - keep us posted!

 

[J_Lynn]

I was also a LTTTC'er ... If it was me, I would want my sister to definitely tell me face to face, and before anyone else. Then it gives time to process it, get your emotions in check (because while I was happy for everyone I knew fell pregnant, I hated it at the same time - family or not) and it also lets her know that you care about the sensitivity of the subject by telling her first so she doesn't have to deal with family talking about it before she finds out.
I also wouldn't bring up anything about having a hard time telling her because of her IF issues. I know most people wouldn't, but you'd be surprised... I have heard some things over the years that made me want to stab people in the face with whatever I could grab first lol

I think it is wonderful that you're thinking about your sister, and I think it is wonderful that you actually care about her feelings. Most family just doesn't think about it and it is like rubbing salt in an open wound when you're there charting, getting shots, spending $10s of thousands at the fertility specialist, crying every month and wishing for death sometimes when AF shows up, hating everyone who just talks about their kids 24/7, loathing going past baby clothes at the store - and family member just blurt out to everyone how they tried for 2 seconds and BAM a baby. It is hurtful.

So I really think if you tell you sister face to face, and even just a day before everyone else - it will mean so much to her. She's already going to be happy for you, even if instantly she doesn't act like it - it is painful to hear the words from anyone but of course she's going to be thrilled she will have a niece or nephew. I am sure she will be just fine. Just don't be too upset if she avoids the whole thing for a while - sometimes it takes us longer to get the courage and emotions together to be around pregnant women. I personally couldn't even go to baby showers - but if it would have been my sissy, I would have sucked it up and made myself go just to support her.

 

[Left wonderin]

Hi , my sister also was ltttc for 14 years and has 4 sisters three of whom had children in that time frame . I think it is such a good idea to tell your sister face to face before you tell anyone else . Give her the time to process the news , come to terms with her feelings around it ( which will have everything to do with her own grief and nothin to do with negative feelings towards you ) before others in the family begin referring to your pregnancy . Be warned she might just need some space for a while again nothing personal to you . Good luck and I hope your sister has success in her iui xxxxx

 

[aimze]

Congrats first of all...

I think it's lovely considering telling her....I got a text off my sister saying she was 16 weeks pregnant an she hopes I can be happy for her...

I personally would have preferred to know earlier an didn't need the commens about being happy....

I think a letter would be nice, explain you've sought advice from other lttc an you hope she understands the letter?

I was happy for my sister but I did need a little cry, it was her second unplanned baby so just needed a quick sob...tht said I love both my nephews dearly an it would be harder for me to not have them in my life xx

 

[Psalm134]

I know this was written a while ago, but I found your advice so helpful. I am struggling with the same issue right now. I am having a hard time being excited because I don't want my sister to have to have this pain from me. I am not sure how I am going to tell her. We are very close and I love her dearly.

 

[Left wonderin]

That's what you tell her , its hard I know I too had a sister with fertility issues and although it was very hard for her she took great joy alongside her personal sadness at the birth of her nieces . The two things are quite separate really . Your sisters sadness and grief at her situation and her happiness for you . Goodluck and don't avoid her ! Be honest with her, tell her how you feel and give her time .

 

[mjemma]

I was LTTTC for 2 years with DS and my sister got pregnant in that time. I'm not going to lie, it was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with. She will be happy for you and she will be excited but there will be a lot of pain too.

You know her best and can decide how to tell her. Just make sure it is in private and you tell her before anyone else, apart from your parents maybe. let her be involved if she wants to be but make sure that you are not always talking about it and don't make any patronising comments about 'it will be your turn soon' etc.

It is great that you are thinking about her feelings and she will appreciate it. Good luck and don't take offence if she is upset or distances herself from you for a while, it is just her way of coping. She will come round in her own time.

 

[Tmb0047]

I agree with the very first post. I think face to face is the best way to go and I would tell her soon, prior to her having to deal with her own positive or negative news in the coming weeks.

I had a friend lose her 18 month old son recently (our sons were 9 days apart in age). We found out we were expecting again about a week before he died. We kept our pregnancy pretty quiet for a while as I didn't want out good news to be thrown in their face at such a hard time for them. I actually just finally told them yesterday....they were very happy for us and the conversation actually went way better than I thought it would. I had every right to worry but I think I over thought the conversation a lot.

Just be straight up....don't beat around the bush. I have a feeling your sister will be happy you shared your news with her first (especially if you tell her before anyone else!)

 

[LadyHutch]

I have a similar situation....

My sister tried for 13 years to get pregnant, then gave up. Moved on. In that time, I got pregnant 6 times, 5 MC, one term. It sucked every single time that I had to tell her (only told her about 3 of them, since those three went over 8 weeks). Here I am, pregnant again. Waiting until 13+ to tell her this time.

Its never an easy thing. I always just give her lots of room after I tell her. She always comes around.

Its hard. I love her and don't like hurting her. But I can't hide it from her either.