Advise needed on meeting pregnant goodfriend

[yellowyamyam]

Hi everyone,

I just need some advice on meeting a good friend who is pregnant with a boy.

She announced her pregnancy a week after I did. DH and I took 13 months to conceive and she and her husband were just TRYING to see if it works for them. They weren't really trying for one; toying with the idea was more like it and BAM! They hit the jackpot the 1st month. While I was happily telling this group of goodfriends about my news, she told us the following and I couldn't help to feel she stole my limelight. It took me about a few days to feel excited for her then we started sharing pregnancy news/journes/symptoms, etc.

When I lost our son, she found out the following day it happened. That night itself, her husband posted a video of their 16 weeks scan on FB and announced it was a boy. It was like a knife into my heart. I lost our son at 16 weeks 5 days. I found out ours was a boy when the doc checked on him when I was in the A&E. I asked the doc if she could tell the sex of the baby. She was reluctant to tell me but I said DH knew it was a boy since day 1. Because of that, I thought it was a girl so I just wanted to know... the doctor then told me.

Sorry, back to the advice needed.

I will be flying back home tomorrow and will be meeting this group of friends on Sunday. I only go home once a year. This pregnant friend will be there, of course. I've been playing the scenario in my head many many times and I get more nervous each time. I haven't been able to fall asleep easily the last few nights thinking about this. Each time I start playing the scenes in my head, my mind would bring me back to when IT happened.

It is unfair for me NOT to see her because really we are goodfriends. I am sure she will want to share her happy news/updates with the rest of us. How can I tell her NOT to mention anything about her pregnancy? How can I sit there looking at her and her bump and pretend nothing is going on? See, even now typing this makes me all shaky and jittery...

help? how do I set my mind into 'ok' mode?

 

[nicki01]

i dont have any advice but just wanted to say i hope it works out ok and someone can give you the advice you need

 

[Andypanda6570]

I felt the same only it was my Sister In Law We both have 3 boys (older) my oldest is 20 and I was not planning to get pregnant but at 40 i did by accident, I was so happy. My SIL swore she wanted no more, but 8 weeks later after finding out I was pregnant she got pregnant She was 37 and had a 15, 12 and 9 yr old, I knew she only got pregnant cause I did, she knew I was going to have a girl and she could not sit by and let that happen without her trying also. I was upset at first, cause she always does this, she even got the same brand new truck we got Anyway after awhile I was ok with it, we get used to it. I figured it would be nice if we both had girls. Well at 20 weeks I lost Ava . I gave birth in my home and we buried her on 3/11/2011. I was devastated and I didn't know how I was going to face my SIL I said I can't go to her shower or Baptism or birthdays, i didn't know what I was going to do. On April 18th my phone rang and it was my husband and he said my sister lost the baby She was 16 weeks and it was 7 weeks after I lost Ava/ I was again devastated She chose to have the D&E and not see her baby or have anything to do with it, which was fine it was her choice. She doesn't understand why almost a year later I am still grieving, she is fine and only now am I starting to feel fine. I thought we would be there for one another , but I was wrong, she just doesn't get why I am still grieving. I was the same as most women who have had a loss , I could not even see a pregnant woman or a newborn until now but it is 10 months later. Your loss is so new and I am not telling you not to see your friend , but be careful is all. I know for me at 3 weeks there is no way i could have seen that let alone be there for a period of time with a pregnant women, but that is me, not you. I would just caution you to think about it and don't rush into it, you may not be fine with it and you may not realize that till your sitting there with her. I am not trying to tell you not to go just be careful, I don't want you to be hurt in any way. Time will definitely make things easier I promise but your loss is so new and you need time to heal. Only you know what you can handle. I just want you to make sure you will be ok. I wish you all the best whatever you decide

 

[Bride2b]

I dont have much advice....

Could you speak to your friend & just warn her that you are feeling sensitive. If she is a good friend she will understand this. My best friend was worried about bringing her 3 year old round to see me, but it didnt bother me at all. Its a bit different with a pregnant friend as all you can look at is the bump!
I skyped my cousin in Australia who was/is 2 weeks behind my due date. I was so excited our kids were going to be so close in age....even though we are half a world apart as we are very close. I knew I would probably be upset seeing her bump, but I needed to see her & the bump to 'test' my emotions. It is hard I will not lie to you.

Anyway...... can you tell your friend that you are over the moon she is expecting & that everything is going well for her but you feel really anxious about seeing her because your loss is so recent and seeing any pregnant woman at the moment is very hard to deal with emotionally. I cant see that anyone wouldnt understand how you feel....especially if they care about you.

 

[yellowyamyam]

I have not spoken to her personally since my loss. It has been like group messaging/emails but not to her directly. I guess I can speak to her before the meeting just to let her know that I am still very sensitive towards the whole subject and perhaps she could refrain from sharing her happy news this weekend? I don't even know how to tell her!

It is still hard seeing pregnant women, mothers pushing prams and baby shops. I have not communicated with any pregnant woman since my loss. So I really don't know how will I react. I hope I don't well up and in front of everyone.

*sigh* just when you think it is getting easier, life throws you another curve ball.

 

[Bride2b]

Hun its only been 3 weeks.....I'm sure no one will think anything less of you if you do cry. If they are friends they will understand! I have shed many tears with my friends and also managed to stay strong around others. It was really hard at times not crying...but it makes you feel good that you can control it. Maybe just send her a private email xx

 

[OliveBay]

This is a tough situation and I totally understand what you are feeling right now. I have a few friends who are pregnant and I'm finding it really hard to be around them right now. I have tried to be open and honest with them and told them this, and am actually socialising with them less (or not at all) at the moment. It is just so hard to be around people with bumps, and I feel that I just need a bit of 'selfish' time to protect myself. Good friends will understand this, honey. I keep reminding myself they are probably feeling awkward about how to handle the situation themselves, after all its not their fault that they are pregnant and that I'm not anymore. I feel a bit bad for distancing myself from my pregnant friends, especially those who have given me so much support since my loss, but it just makes me feel so down to be around any pregnant people or babies and I can't handle the constant reminders.

I'm not telling you what you should do, as is it your personal decision, but I'm letting you know that its ok for you to do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe, happy and sane. We have all been through so much in dealing with our losses and we shouldn't have to put ourselves through anything that is going to upset us further at these difficult times. Be gentle on yourself and remember that it has only been 3 weeks since your loss

 

[Nikki_d72]

I don't really have too much to add, I think the other ladies have all said what I would. You are very fresh into your loss and please don't expect too much from yourself. Sometimes it's hard to avoid I know - my neighbour is only a month behind where i was and is due any day now, her DD is besties with my DD so I can't avoid it all, though I would if I could, TBH. I think if they are any friends at all they will be expecting tears from you and will understand if you cry. I'm sorry you are losing sleep over it, I would maybe email in advance right enough and though you can't ask her to hide her light under a bushel, so to speak, just explain that if you are upset or acting strangely it is just because it's so difficult for you and not to take it pesonally, hopefully she'll get the hint and lay off the news a bit. My neighbour rubs her belly all the time in front of me and goes on about it - I think she is just oblivious though.

Maybe you could also go a bit late, to let her do all her sharing before you get there?

I wish you all the best, I reall feel for you xxx

 

[amanda83]

I'm very sorry you are going through this, and sorry for your loss.

I too am going through the same thing and every second of it is horrible. I lost my baby at 22 weeks in October, my best friend conceived 8 days later (they started trying after we announced we were expecting). It took us 14 months to conceive while it only took them a couple of months. I can't explain how hurt and devastated I was when she told me she was 5 weeks pregnant, it's like my whole world crumbled beneath me. I felt so selfish, I hated that I wasn't happy for them, but 2 months later I am still struggling with it, it's pretty much all I think about. I went from seeing her several times a week to seeing her twice in the last 10 weeks (and that’s only because it was Christmas). My husband suggested me tell her how I feel, and I did. She was really upset of course but understood completely (as she knew I was having difficulty seeing babies and being around pregnant people). I told her I cannot be around her, I need my space. I felt like she ripped my heart out and stepped on it. When she told me I couldn't believe that they kept trying every single day after we had lost our precious little baby. It hurt me to know that she would leave my house after seeing me bauling my eyes out about my loss and know they would go home and try to conceive. I still feel selfish, guilty, and ashamed that I feel this way but I do. The way I feel right now I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over this, the loss of my baby and the slap in the face having to watch my best friend be so happy while I’m miserable. It’s such a crappy way to feel.

Best I can tell you is to distance yourself if that’s what you need. In saying this I feel like when I’m around her it makes me feel better because I love her so much but the anticipation and anxiety of seeing her growing belly kills me.

You should really talk to your friend and tell her how you feel. The few times I have seen mine and there has been other people around I told those people in confidence I didn’t want to hear any baby talk, it’s just too hard. Maybe you can let your other friends know not to talk about your friends pregnancy when you are around.

Good luck with it all, if you ever need to chat please write me

 

[yellowyamyam]

Im here waiting for my grouo of friends. my heart is pounding so hard and i feel like throwing up. i am such a nervous wreck. i cant imagine how will i react seeing my pregnant friend. i only her her huge belly in my head and knowing ts a boy inside.... just... like a knife keeps stabbing my heart non stop. oh goh why didnt i cancel this?!?! Why didbt i drive here so i can just leave now?? One of them will be my ride home. i keep looking out for her and my heart is like .... head is spinning too. i am so not ready for this. stupid me why didnt i canvel?!?!?! I miss my baby. i miss being pregnant. i miss having someobe listening to me no matter what i say or sing! I miss that connection. oh god. why did you let this to happen to me? Why?

 

[Bride2b]

Oh hun, I am really hoping that after that post yesterday it wasnt too bad in the end.

You sounded desperate & like you just wanted to get out of there xxx

How was it? Are you ok?xxx

 

[yellowyamyam]

oh i am sorry that i lost it yesterday while posting. i panicked. i went through with it. it was really really hard and took a lot of me. i am not sure if i am glad i met her; i am still having mix feeling about that but i am glad it is over.

i froze when she came. she wanted to hug but i backed out. though she was wearing a very loose top but i could still see her bump. that was the 1st thing i noticed. i know she was slightly offended that i backed out when she approached me for a hug. (GUILT 1)

i tried my best not to look at her. i did not address her directly. i was like the snobby evil one in the group. but at the corner of my eye, i watched her every movements. her putting her hand over her bump, her having to sit down every 15 minutes due to tiredness, her needing the toilets every so often, her getting bored when we went shopping, i saw them all and how those actions killed me over and over and over and over and over again... (GUILT 2)

it took a lot of strength not to cry. i did very well and did not shed a tear when i was around her. however, the moment she stepped away to the toilet or i stepped away, i would let out a huge sigh and tears appeared. another friend was with me the whole time. i am the closest to her in this group. she saw it all.

i feel so guilty for treating preggie friend this way. i really really do. it isn't her fault at all! yet i can't help but to have a kind of hatred towards her. nobody else understands this. even i don't really understand why i have such ... strong feeling towards her but i just do. i don't think anyone else would hurt me this much. the closer friend asked me why don't i just share how i feel with them. i said how am i say things i want to in front of the preggie one? i know it is 100% not her fault at all; in fact she has nothing to do with my loss yet i can't stand the sight of her. everything she did, i was supposed to be doing! the tiredness, the bump, the hand over bump, the boredom when other girls shop for clothes, the breathing difficulties, etc! i was/am supposed to have all those feelings yet i have to go through this!

*sigh* I really thought i had it all under control. I was confident that i was the boss of my feelings in front of people. Now I have to re-learn how to control my tears and words.

 

[Bride2b]

I think you are amazingly brave for not crying! That is something you should feel proud of!

Dont feel guilty for not hugging her, I wouldnt hug her either as you would be too close to the bump. I'm sure she knows why you didnt as isnt offended.

Dont feel guilty that you noticed everything that a preggo lady does...its not fair that you didnt have a bump to rub, or had to go to the loo or got bored in the shops, as its too soon for you not not be thinking "It should be me." Until your due date has passed you will have all these feelings, as until then you should be pregnant. I am convinced once my due date has passed I will be able to 'let go' of the not being pregnant thing as I wont have to imagine whats its like to be 25,26,27 etc weeks pregnant & what I'd look like as my bump grows bigger.

I know its a very different scenario, but imagine 'preggie' friend had stollen your OH.... she would now have something you want. You would hate her. Imagine having to socialise weeks after losing your OH to her, I cant imagine you would be nice to her.
I know she hasnt done anything to you so you feel guilty for not being friendly towards her, but she has something you havent, and that something is the most important thing in your life at the moment.

I think you did really well firstly for going, and secondly for holding it together. If you see her again the next time will be easier!

 

[Andypanda6570]

Im here waiting for my grouo of friends. my heart is pounding so hard and i feel like throwing up. i am such a nervous wreck. i cant imagine how will i react seeing my pregnant friend. i only her her huge belly in my head and knowing ts a boy inside.... just... like a knife keeps stabbing my heart non stop. oh goh why didnt i cancel this?!?! Why didbt i drive here so i can just leave now?? One of them will be my ride home. i keep looking out for her and my heart is like .... head is spinning too. i am so not ready for this. stupid me why didnt i canvel?!?!?! I miss my baby. i miss being pregnant. i miss having someobe listening to me no matter what i say or sing! I miss that connection. oh god. why did you let this to happen to me? Why?

Please know your feelings are and were at the moment very normal.
I lost Ava over 10 months ago and just now am I feeling stronger and just now can I actually see a pregnant woman. I don't know if you know my story , but when I got pregnant my sister in law who also has 3 boys swore she didn't want anymore well 8 weeks after she found out I was pregnant she got pregnant.
When I lost Ava I was petrified to see her I just knew I would break down so I avoided her for 7 weeks. All I could think about was how was I going to see her, how was I going to a baby shower, a baptism, a birthday. I just couldn't even function, it was my SIL I had to see her at all holidays and events
I was dying inside. Then 7 weeks after I lost Ava she lost her baby at 16 weeks, I was devastated cause I knew how she felt.

My point is your feelings are normal and you have to know what I know that is there is peace with time, believe me. You will be ok , but it takes some time and you need that time to heal and to grieve. They say it takes a year and for me it has been true. Don't ever hold your feelings in let them out, your aloud to do that and it is healthy to do that.

I promise things will get easier . If you ever need to talk I am here, anytime

XOXOXOXO

 

[Nikki_d72]

You did so well to go at all, I appluad you. You are in such early days, I could not have done that so soon. What you are feeling is totally natural, but I understand your guilt, it's not a nice emotion and one we normally repress but it is normal and quite uncontrollable in our situation.

A week after our loss I had to take DD to school. There are pregnant women everywhere in the wee rural town where I live, we used to joke there was something in the water. Anyway, there was one lady who I saw that morning who was pregnant with her 4th, she seemed to have been pregnant forever but she must just have shown early, she was quite skinny. Anyway, that morning I was on the edge of everyone, I didn't want to get among anyone and I saw her come in with her other 3 and had a fleeting mean thought about her - I can't really remember but I just looked at her and was jealous that she got 4 and I had only just lost my 2 boys after waiting so long for siblings for my one DD. 3 or 4 weeks later she lost her baby at full term while delivering him and I've never quite forgiven myself for whatever envious thought I had about her, I feel as though I wished it upon her. I didn't, but it felt so bad. I now know her a bit and I still feel bad for whatever vague jealous thought I had. So now I try to keep a lid on it but it's still bloody hard to see pregnant women and I do avoid it if possible. My neighbour is about to have her baby, one month after mine were due (well, it being twins it would have been 2 months, but hey) and I really am avoiding her - I feel bad but my mental health needs to come first and I'm worried I'll have any more bad thoughts and maybe jinx her too. I have no idea how I'm going to face her baby but I know I'll have to. I know her well enough that if I wail and cry she'll sortof understand though. (I think.)

Anyway, that turned into a bit of a ramble but I thought I'd let you know that your feelings are normal at this stage, as is the guilt that goes with them!

xx

 

[Kaylattc]

I don't feel it will be selfish or rude if you just avoid this. You don't need to go through that. Tell her you se not ready if you don't want to just avoid her sounds mean but if she is your good friend and knows you lost your baby she should be very understanding I your situation and loss.

I am so sorry you are going through this

 

[yellowyamyam]

Hi all,

I finally gathered the guts to email my preggie friend. I apologised and gave her a very long explanation to why I can't see her again while I am back home. I really hope she would take it with much understanding... I was half expecting a reply from her but after 2 days, nothing. So I guess she will not reply to say if she is mad or not. Oh well.

Thanks again to everyone whom read/replied to this thread.

 

[Kaylattc]

Hi all,

I finally gathered the guts to email my preggie friend. I apologised and gave her a very long explanation to why I can't see her again while I am back home. I really hope she would take it with much understanding... I was half expecting a reply from her but after 2 days, nothing. So I guess she will not reply to say if she is mad or not. Oh well.

Thanks again to everyone whom read/replied to this thread.

I'm so happy for you!!!!!! great job. I was so worried you were going to put yourself in that situation. I know I could not do that to myself I would go nuts.

Glad for you

 

[amanda83]

Good for you, if she is a good friend she will understand this

I met with my pregnant friend last night, she showed me her belly and talked about her pregnancy, this was a big step for me. I actually had a fantastic time, we really needed this, the hurt both of us were feeling was tearing us apart. We concluded that we should see each other once a week, so I can deal with her growing belly gradually, not be shocked when I see her after months, I think it will help.

I hope you hear from your friend soon All the best.

 

[yellowyamyam]

Hi everyone,

So I am meeting this pregnant friend again tonight. It wasn't by choice, to be honest. Another friend let it slipped that we are having dinner tonight in a group chat and this preggie friend was included. It has been more than 4 months since I lost our son. By now, she should be really big. I am supposed to be about 35 weeks now if I hadn't lost our son so she should be about 33-34 weeks.

I know I have to see her one day as we are still goodfriends but I don't know if I am ready yet. Though I am pregnant again (10 weeks today), I have not let my 1st son go.

stress!!!