Advise on toddler not accepting change

[calm]

So one of my twins is awful with change. He is the more mature twin, his speech is better and he is in general a very sensitive and loving boy, he is 2 years 8 months old. However, he has this thing about changing things, he can't handle it. When its time to upgrade shoes, or clothes, he goes into a meltdown, and it seems to be getting worse. Its time to change all the shoes, and he knows it, and he has already warned me that he won't tolerate the change, when I showed him the news shoes. At my inlaws he is still wearing a size 8 in slippers, when he has already worn 8.5 in our house since Christmas, and now will be wearing a size 9. All because he has a meltdown and my in laws give in to him at the first second of a cry or scream. I don't want a tantrum either, and its not exactly a tantrum. When I put on him a jumper a month back that he hadn't worn for ages and didn't remember, I had to take it off, because he cried so badly, and wouldn't even let me walk, hanging on to my leg and saying desperately "take it off mummy TAKE IT OFF please" as if it was burning him, and I'm not exaggerating. Because the jumper was almost too small for him anyway, I let it pass, as I try to choose my battles. But to he honest, it doesn't feel like a battle of wills, it feels like he has a genuine problem, more than a hissy. Any one have toddlers like this? Any ideas? DH keeps threatening to change his shoes, but I want to look into it before doing it, seeing if I can help him and cause the less pain X

 

[apple_20]

Have you tried getting the next size up clothes/shoes before they are needed and having them in the wardrobe/on the shoe rack ready?
That way the transition is slow and it's not a straight swap. There might even be a time when he wears both.

Good luck

 

[k4th]

If he's better with speech - is he able to tell you what he doesn't like about changing shoes/clothes?

Is it shopping for them? Is it that they look different? Is it the smell (do you wash before he wears)? I just wondered if he can give you any insight?

I find that the best way to manage change is to make it as predictable as possible. So, decide when and where you are getting new shoes (assuming he's going) and write a short story. E.g. "On Monday we'll go shopping for shoes. We might try lots on, we might only try one pair on. There might be different colours and I could choose which colour I get. When I get my shoes my old shoes will go (in the bin, to charity etc etc) and I will wear the shoes that fit my feet now. When I am wearing them mummy will take me to (the magazine shop, to get a Freddie etc etc).

(These types of story are called "social stories". They work well for children who have difficulty with change. Some of those children may have a diagnosis of asd - I'm absolutely drawing no assumptions about your child from your post. It's just in case you google. My little girl struggled with some aspects of change and these stories worked really well).

Read the story every day before you go. The consistent language and consistent message adds some "sameness" to change. I'm not saying it will remedy his anxiety, but he will have chance to have mentally rehearsed several times, so it might help.

 

[calm]

Thank you both. Since they were born I've wondered about asd. I think, if its the case, its a very mild case. He is very much like DH in every way. DH has never been diagnosed, but it seems obvious to those who know him that there is something there: he is gifted, he is socially awkward, emotional intelligence is not his strong point. But to people that know him, they wouldn't notice, its like there is something going on but certainly not a strong case. I looked at checklists just now of asd for my son, and he only seems to have a few possible flags. They also both seem to be gifted as they could spell and distinguish numbers from 18 months, but in other ways, they have seem behind sometimes. I can't reason with them yet. Thing is, they are bilingual, so language is probably a bit slower than it should be. Having said that, the twin is question, has language that is busting into proper sentences now. But its more about telling me what he sees and wants, not so much about reasoning things, that is still developing pretty slow. They are certainly a bit quirky, like DH.

The shoes in question, they have been bought for them. I think it would be in general a better idea to buy it with them, let them choose etc, but this time we can't do anything about it. It just came to my mind, that he was with me when I bought my new trainers. He went mad, and had a meltdown and nearly attacked the shoes salesman. He got over it though.

 

[k4th]

Thank you both. Since they were born I've wondered about asd. I think, if its the case, its a very mild case. He is very much like DH in every way. DH has never been diagnosed, but it seems obvious to those who know him that there is something there: he is gifted, he is socially awkward, emotional intelligence is not his strong point. But to people that know him, they wouldn't notice, its like there is something going on but certainly not a strong case. I looked at checklists just now of asd for my son, and he only seems to have a few possible flags. They also both seem to be gifted as they could spell and distinguish numbers from 18 months, but in other ways, they have seem behind sometimes. I can't reason with them yet. Thing is, they are bilingual, so language is probably a bit slower than it should be. Having said that, the twin is question, has language that is busting into proper sentences now. But its more about telling me what he sees and wants, not so much about reasoning things, that is still developing pretty slow. They are certainly a bit quirky, like DH.

The shoes in question, they have been bought for them. I think it would be in general a better idea to buy it with them, let them choose etc, but this time we can't do anything about it. It just came to my mind, that he was with me when I bought my new trainers. He went mad, and had a meltdown and nearly attacked the shoes salesman. He got over it though.

Sounds like they're both doing really well!! Commenting and talking about things you see is really lovely social language!

You could still do a story... "children get bigger and bigger and that means they need new clothes and shoes. My shoes are getting too small and mummy doesn't want my feet to get sore. On Tuesday I will swap shoes to a (blue) pair in size 9 that fit my feet. Mummy will be so proud of me in my size 9 shoes".

Hope you find something that works to make it a smooth transition

 

[geenee]

My LO did not like change either but I allowed him to keep the clothes he just could not wear them. He was able to see the clothes in the drawer but no wearing. We would encourage him that he is big boy and he has to wear big boy clothes. we would show him the different sizes and say things like " wow look how big you have grown" and that would help. Hope you find something that works out.

 

[SarahBear]

Violet is better about clothes now, but it used to take her months before she was willing to wear something. Try getting the new things enough in advance that he has a chance to get used to them before needing them.

 

[calm]

Just to update, the shoes ended up not being an issue, or not much of one. I told him that his old shoes were broken, and that a monster ate them. I know it sounds a bit odd, scary even, and fairies and such like would be more suitable, but they are both really into monsters, and he accepted this happily. He also was really enthusiastic with his new shoes because his favourite uncle bought them.

However, the time has come to wear short sleeved t-shirts, and that did not go down well at all. He went crazy about it. I had to carry him out of the house and to the park, because I knew being somewhere else would make him accept it more. But he really cried and got upset, and I really want to look into how to do it in the future, as I don't want him to go through that, I don't want to either. But I couldn't let him continue to wear long sleeved t-shirts, its very hot here in Madrid in the summer. From what you have all said, and from what some of DH's workmates have told him, it is more common than I thought.

 

[BabyGirl999]

To be honest, if I were you, I would see a doctor. I truly don't mean to be alarmist, but this does not seem normal behaviour to me.