After effects

[SAJ]

One of the discussion points after finding out you're pregnant was likely "when do we tell people?". Well, we chose to tell my son when I was around 4-5 weeks along, and we told him we were going to wait to tell family (which we did, but only immediate family knew at the time of miscarriage). What we didn't specify is that that means he cannot tell his friends either. Well, he told them, all of them. Now, 25 days after my miscarriage, I ran into one of his friend's mom and she said "congrats are in order"....AWKWARD! I'm totally fine to talk about it but I froze and pretended I didn't hear her. How rude am I!?!

For those of you who told people, are you finding it awkward to have to go back to people and say you had a mc? Will this change what you do next time you get a BFP?

Next time we get a BFP, we're definitely clarifying the "terms and conditions" of who we tell and when we tell them. Sigh!!!!

 

[TerriLou]

Hey Saj,

I told a few people at work about being pregnant, it has actually helped me, I have had some much support through the M/C, but I have decided that next time we're going to keep it quiet.

Its strange, when we told family that we were pregnant, they were really good and kept it quiet, now we've told them about the miscarriage, they've told everyone, so we keep getting emails telling us how sorry people are. Its nice of them to be thinking of us, but why did people need to be told about such a private thing that Hubby and I are trying to deal with ourselves?

I think we will just tell immediate family, but not until after a first scan showing a growing baby and hearing a heartbeat. I have been told that I can request an early scan again because of what happened this time. Its a tough call.

 

[daopdesign]

That was one of the most difficult things telling people about my m/c who knew I was pregnant but dya know what? Even people I haven''t seen or spoke to for ages I am telling them about it!! It just seems OK to talk about it, don't be scared of sharing your emotions you'd be surprised how many people understand. But! I am definitely not telling anyone until I get PAST 16 weeks x

 

[cliqmo]

I told a few people at work about being pregnant, it has actually helped me, I have had some much support through the M/C, but I have decided that next time we're going to keep it quiet.

Its strange, when we told family that we were pregnant, they were really good and kept it quiet, now we've told them about the miscarriage, they've told everyone, so we keep getting emails telling us how sorry people are. Its nice of them to be thinking of us, but why did people need to be told about such a private thing that Hubby and I are trying to deal with ourselves?

I think we will just tell immediate family, but not until after a first scan showing a growing baby and hearing a heartbeat. I have been told that I can request an early scan again because of what happened this time. Its a tough call.

^^ Exactly the same here!! ^^

 

[SAJ]

sounds like a good plan! I totally agree with waiting to tell people next time, but everyone's different. It is a tough call like Terrilou said. On one hand, it's nice to have people there for support and understanding in the time of a mc but at the same time it's hard to go back to those who knew and tell them what happened...same old story repeated and repeated. Anyway, I was just curious what others thought. It has definitely changed my perspective of telling people. I had a successful pregnancy previously and this was my first mc so I guess I was ignorant and thought I was invisible to the chance of a mc. "it wouldn't happen to me"....ya right...

I always live and learn

 

[Futuremommy1]

Well the first time we told my parents (siblings and close friends) and my mom proceeded to post a fb message. That was awkward :/. The second time just my best friend my parents and oh's friend. So a lot less people to tell about the ectopic but what happened was some people who didn't know about the first mc I got confused and explained the ectopic and it was a ball of confusion.

We've decided that again my parents and best friend will be told but everyone else will know after the first trimester. And maybe a bit longer. I'll be considered high risk so I'll start having u/s as soon as I get a bfp so it will be difficult to keep quiet that long

 

[SAJ]

Well the first time we told my parents (siblings and close friends) and my mom proceeded to post a fb message. That was awkward :/. The second time just my best friend my parents and oh's friend. So a lot less people to tell about the ectopic but what happened was some people who didn't know about the first mc I got confused and explained the ectopic and it was a ball of confusion.

We've decided that again my parents and best friend will be told but everyone else will know after the first trimester. And maybe a bit longer. I'll be considered high risk so I'll start having u/s as soon as I get a bfp so it will be difficult to keep quiet that long

Definitely would be hard to keep it quiet that long, but it's good (considering the circumstances) that you'll be monitored more closely next time!

 

[Futuremommy1]

Yea we saw the hb the first time so I need another mile marker so to speak to feel better. But it ink regardless I'm going to worry so much I won't breathe until I give birth

 

[TerriLou]

Futuremommy,

I think I'll be worrying all the way through next time too. I'm a natural born worrier, so every twinge, I'll be scared about, the docs will be fed up with me by the end.

Last time I spoke to the Midwife, but never actually got to meet her, but I'll have to make up some excuse at work to have some time off for appointments because I don't even want to tell my Manager until after the first scan.

Last time I had the scan, I told her the results and as she had to put a reason down on my absence form, she put possible miscarriage. I asked her to put pregnancy complications, but she said she couldn't because the pregnancy hadn't been confirmed. How could there be a possible miscarriage if there's no pregnancy to start with. I just want to avoid all that by keeping it to myself.

 

[debzie]

The first time we told close family and work collegues as they have to know because of my job. This time agaon told the same people plus my 3 and a half yr old daughter she was told not to tell anyone as its our secret. Surprisingly she did not tell. I have actually told more i have miscarried than told I was pregnant. Next time I am going to do the same.

 

[tootsiegb]

Hi,

With our first pregnancy we told parents & siblings straight away. We waited til 12 week scan to tell other people. I then miscarried at 20 weeks (baby died between 18 & 19).
The next time we got pregnant I told parents & very close friends straight away, to then miscarry at 8 weeks.
This time I have decided to only tell people if they directly ask, If they dont ask we will tell them when we feel ready so that may even be after 20 weeks who knows. I dont know what to do for the best xx. Love to you all xx

 

[Futuremommy1]

Terri,
I don't understand how the "possible miscarriage" makes sense if the "pregnancy complications" doesn't. Thats just inconsiderate. I'll definitely not tell anyone I work with too soon. I actually hope to be starting a new job this month.

In some ways I worry a lot but my mom thinks I want to control everything. And I think it's more of wanting to know everything. And my next pregnancy I'll never know until I give birth to a happy and healthy baby.

 

[TerriLou]

Future, thats what I've said to my Hubby, I will worry that everything is ok until the day I give birth, then I'll worry about the baby, toddler, Junior, teenager, etc. I'm a born worrier! Hehe.

 

[SAJ]

I totally agree....I will always have some concern in the back of my head until I know the baby I give birth to is perfectly healthy. But I will try to not let it become too much for me, because I want to enjoy my pregnancy.