Aggression

[Groovychick]

My little boy is nearly 5. When he wants to be he is kind and caring but is showing signs of aggression.

When he is cross, he tends to lash out. This can involve pushing people, throwing things or kicking.

He is a very active child and has a short attention span. He sleeps well for between 10 and 12 hours a night.

Can anyone recommend my next course of action? I want to help him manage his anger in a more controlled and constructive way.

TIA.

 

[noon_child]

Not unusual but I think you are right to start giving him alternative coping strategies. The way we behave is one part of how we communicate, so at the moment he's communicating his emotions with actions. Verbal alternatives to communicate his feelings are important. I think recognising and naming feelings is an important start. Boys - however hard we try - get conditioned very young that it is acceptable for them to be angry but not sad, guilty, confused, hurt, disappointed, threatened etc. So naming and empathising with his feelings (e.g "It can be disappointing when someone else has the toy you want to play with") can help him recognise what he feels, give him the vocab and permission to talk about it AND that it is OK and normal to feel that way and he doesn't have to "do" anything to try to take the feeling away. Then model for him what you'd do if you felt the same way "What I do when I'm disappointed is talk to someone about how I'm feeling" or "I'm sad about xyz, so I've been crying. That sometimes helps me but I think I need cuddle too. Can I have a cuddle?".

 

[biglebowski]

I think the above poster is spot on. I think acknowledging his feelings and talking about them is the way to go. Step in when he uses aggression and tell him "no hitting etc". I find with my son talking too much when hes experiencing strong emotions doesnt work. Hes not going to focus on what we are talking about.
Later when hes calmed down Ill say that it was okay to feel whatever he was feeling: "I understand you were frustrated because.." But his reaction wasnt appropriate because....he could hurt someone / break something. Ill often relate it to his friends at school. I ask if he would feel sad if his friend hit him etc. He knows hitting and hurting people isnt ok. We talk about people being scared / injured and that people wouldnt want to be friends with him if he behaved like that a lot.
Lately Ive been talking about doing something to help him calm down if he is angry / upset. Ive suggested he go to his room and play with a toy he likes. My son also loves reading and Ive said Ill sit with him and read if this helps. Hes asked to read the last few times hes been frustrated. He enjoys the 1-1 time and the chance for a cuddle / focus on something else. Always try and have a calm chat about things later so he can express himself and talk things through. Its a phase, just keep addressing it and stay firm. Whatever rules you put in place make sure you stick to.
Our family rules are:
Be kind
Always say sorry if you hurt or upset someone you love.
Hitting / Breaking things is not allowed. If you throw a toy you lose it.