Already stressing about returning to work

[Cattia]

I just need a rant, not expecting anyone to have any answers as I'm sure there are lots of ladies here in a similar position. I have around 8 weeks of my maternity left until I have to return to work. I will be doing four days a week. I'm a teacher but I have a promotion when I go back so I will be in a management position which is a lot of admin and not much teaching. I work a 45 minute drive from where I live, so I leave the house at 7.30 in the morning and arrive back about 6 in the evening. It means on the days I work I only get to see the kids for about an hour before bed.

I like my job but I find myself feeling increasingly resentful of women who don't have to work, or who have the choice of working just a few hours. A lot of my friends are in this position. I know I am lucky that I don't have to do five days a week and that I have the school holidays. I'm trying to see the positive, but I just can't get my head around going back. Whilst I've been on maternity leave, I have been able to do the school run every day. My oldest has been able to do after school clubs and play dates. All that will change as they will be in childcare or with my mum before and after school. My DH does work too but earns half the amount I do. I find myself resenting him for not having a decent job so I can work less. Of course I realise this is unreasonable, that's just how I feel.

I can never see things changing for us, I can't think of another way we can live and have a decent work life balance. My job also means I have to work evenings sometimes too and it takes a lot of my energy.

 

[captainj1]

I'm going back at the beginning of November, full time. I travel a lot internationally with work and do around 60 hours per week, long days even when I'm in the UK, can be away overnight at least one night most weeks. Dh also works full time but is locally based other than 2 overseas trips a year that he gets plenty of notice about. I earn several times what he does.
I would be a terrible sahm. Would I like more balance? Sure. Would I like to be able to pick my son up from school or drop him off, other than once in a blue moon? Sure. But I wouldn't want to be at home all day every day, it would drive me mad. If dh wanted to, he could give up work and be a sahd. But he doesn't want to either. We love our kids and we make up for it on weekends and have the money to take them places and give them experiences they wouldn't otherwise have. Dd will be 6 months when I go back and so was ds.
I am not looking forward to going back as I will miss the kids and it will take a while to get into the new routine, but I know it's the right thing for us all.

 

[Cattia]

Thanks. Wow, it sounds like you have an exciting job. You're right I know, it takes a while to settle into a new routine. I just have felt it's been so good for the kids to have me around at the end of the school day. I just wish I could have even one more afternoon a week off but I know I'm lucky that they're even letting me do this job four days a week as its really a full time job. Guess I'll try to count my blessings!

 

[MindUtopia]

Is there any possibility, if not now but in the future, of looking for a job that is closer to home, or moving closer to your present job, so that you cut out the commuting time. Commuting an hour and a half each day is a lot. I work 9-5 four days, soon to be five days a week, but I work from home and it's literally like 2 minutes to our daughter's nursery. So I'm with her all morning until 9 and then pick her up at 5 and we have a good 2+ hours before bed. That's a much more workable balance, though my husband and I both do have to work in the evenings many days and on some weekends, which I agree is really tiring, not having the stress of a long commute helps a lot I think. I used to commute one day a week (2 hours each way, plus working 3 other days from home) to teach and it was exhausting.

 

[gingmg]

I can totally relate to how you are feeling and I know how stressful it is. My son is 10 months so I have been back at work for a good while now and while I'm not going to lie- it sucks- it does get easier. You will settle into the routine of working, just as you have settled into the routine of being home.

I work full time- 3 twelve hour night shifts with a long commute as well. And while it sounds amazing that my full week is squished into just 3 days- they are extremely long nights on top of the fact that my job can be extremely stressful. I love what I do and I can't imagine doing anything different, but to be honest, this is not the life I saw for myself. I thought I would get married, have a baby, and do what most of my coworkers do- cut my hours and work part time. But that's not how it turned out for me. At some point during our TTC journey, my wife said she wasn't happy and wanted to go back to school to change careers. So instead of cutting my hours like I wanted to, I now am supporting my family while my wife is in school.

And its hard, so so hard. I feel resentful at times too. Resentful that I can't be home more and resentful that financially everything is falling on me. I get angry that we don't have the extra money to do all those things I wanted to do with my son- mommy and me yoga, swimming lessons, music lessons, ect. because in addition to paying our mortgage and bills I'm also putting my wife through school. Its really hard when you want to be home more but its just not an option so I can completely sympathize with your struggle. Its one thing to want to work, its another thing to have to.

So I try to focus on the positives. I do only work 3 nights a week and even though I did say they are incredibly stressful and long nights- it is only 3 of them. I still get to be home more than I would if I worked 5 days a week. My son is a crappy sleeper but some day he will sleep and when he does (since I work nights) he won't even know I'm gone. And I really do love what I do and I'm really good at it. I love my coworkers so going to work sometimes is like social hour for me. My son gets special bonding time with his other mother which is important for them. I breastfeed so she's pretty much chopped liver as long as I'm around, so me working is actually good for them. While I will always make more money, someday my wife will be working again and everything won't have to fall on me. I'm holding onto hope that when my wife graduates and starts working, I can at least cut back on my hours a little. And the biggest positive that I remind myself of daily, is that while I'm at work taking care of very sick children in an intensive care unit (I'm a nurse) my son is healthy and at home in his bed.

Just wanted you to know you aren't alone in how you are feeling. There are a lot of us right there with you. It will get easier. You will fall into a routine even if its not the exact routine you wish you had, and you will cherish every hug, smile, and kiss that much more.

 

[Ecoden]

It's so hard. I just want to say I feel you on this. I went back at 12 weeks but I work from home and we have a nanny so I still can see LO a little but nothing like I could before and I miss her all day plus have to hear her cry but can't go to her. Sometimes it's like I'm a working mom and a SAHM. I also have to travel for work coming up and am so anxious and resentful about having to leave her overnight and for so long (I'm EBF). I wish there were an easier way and that there was more support for working moms. The support here in the states is pitiful.

 

[george83]

Do you have to go back into the management role? I'm a teacher too and understand the pressure to progress with your career and the issues connected to pay but I've decided that for now for me I'm happy to just be a teacher and not push myself into anything extra. Like you I have a 45 minute commute to work and the thought of adding extra work on to my teaching schedule doesn't appeal at all. I found I had to admit that on the days i was working I wouldn't get to see much of my lo's but I tried to make up for it on my days off which as much quality time as possible

 

[Literati_Love]

I understand how you feel, and going back to work is really tough. I have been back for 1.5 months now and although I have found a routine and am pretty used to it, I do feel mildly depressed all the time now. It is hard not to be jealous of others who can work less or not at all. But there are definitely positives to working, such as obvious financial reasons and it can be nice to have more adult interaction in a day. You just have to focus on the positives, as everyone said.

 

[Cattia]

Thanks so much for all your replies ladies, it really does help to know that I'm not alone in this. I have done this twice before so I do know that once I get there, I will be busy enough that I won't be able to mope around all day, but it's still hard
I was really not intending to take the management role. It's a job that I did for three months on a temporary basis before going on mat leave. I enjoyed it as it's a change from just teaching, but I wasn't going to apply for it on a permanent basis as I was worried about the extra demands. I only applied for it on a job share basis but then after the interview they offered it to me and not the other person so I took it on a one year contract. I would like to work closer to home, but as I'm in a sixth form college there are not many jobs that come up, particularly the more senior ones. I don't want to go back into secondary as I prefer working with older students.

I do agree that there are many positives to working. I also know I'm lucky to have a day a week off and although I will have a lot more hassle and admin, my very small amount of teaching means that I won't have to do as much prep and marking. I guess we will see how it goes. If I feel that the work life balance isn't happening then I will need to think more long term about how I can work in a more child friendly way. DH and I have talked about trying to run a B&B business in four or five years time. It's a possibility that we could look into as at least we can work from home, even though it would be a lot of work. I could also do private tutoring or adult ed so there are a few options. Just sucks for me that we are tied to my income so much.