Am I being moody/irrational here?

[PregnantKitty]

So, I have ptsd from childhood abuse and some things really set me off and I just do not like. One of those things is fire or lit cigarettes being near me.
So, tonight i admit to my OH that when he smokes he gets too near me with his lit cigs and what does he do? He chuckles and acts like he's gonna burn me with it!
I was/am really hurt about that. And i know it may seem silly to some, but i feel like i had confided a serious fear to him that he not only didnt take seriously, but picked on me for.

He's been rather ... inconsiderate for a while now about a lot of things, and we're supposed to be working on that and trust and i feel like he doesnt even give a shi*.

I dunno. Maybe im just being moody and stuff, but i dont know how to tell him how much it hurt my feelinfs without him gettind mad and starting another fight. I know he doesnt see it as a big deal. He even proceeded to ask me for sex afterwards.

I cant believe he cant see or doesnt care about how upset i am about this and i dont know how he could think im in the mood, right now.

Am i being irrational here or making a big deal out of nothing? I cant help that it scares me so much, but should i be so mad that he did that?

Im so confused and upset.

 

[ladders]

I don't think your being irrational I would be really upset and peeved off too. All I can think is that your oh didn't realise how serious you were or maybe thought he could lighten the mood and just got it very wrong!
Maybe sit down with him and try to calmly explain, hopefully then he'll realise

 

[Mrs_chris_36]

Hi kitty, I also suffer ptsd from childhood abuse and I can't stand drunk men around me, it makes me edgy and nervous. My husband isn't a big drinker but when we do go out he keeps it to a minimal and when he goes out with his friends and gets worse fir wear he always knows to go straight to the spare room to sleep when he comes home. He's no Angel at his sister's wedding he got absolutely hammered to the point where I had to get him undressed and into bed then sit up all night whilst he threw up. But the next day he was totally ashamed of himself and kept apologising as he knew how our made me feel.

I think what your husband did was totally out of order and I would be madder than hell, but being devil's advocate, maybe he felt awkward and acted foolishly in response, maybe he got slightly defensive because he feels bad about smoking around you so played it down, maybe he really didn't realise how serious you were being.

You should probably talk to him about it if it's making you so upset otherwise you'll just keep it bottled up until it blows and its impossible to talk calmly when you blow your lid

Good luck x

 

[RaspberryK]

No I don't think you are being moody and irrational. He shouldn't smoke near you anyway being pregnant and he definitely shouldn't act like he's going to burn you.
I think he needs to have a serious taking to xx

 

[IrishTwins]

When DH and I argue he stands up while I sit down.. Ive told him to stop hovering over me and yelling - as my father used to do this as a scare tactic - drunk nonetheless..

I'd be pissed and tell him so - not in a nice way either....

only way to get point across that you're not having it again..

 

[Monzter79]

You're not irrational. PTSD requires special consideration from loved ones. I've done a TON of work, but I still have a few "quirks" that I really need respected. When my husband comes home from work he likes to change, and often starts by removing his belt. It bothers me to even write about it. So I basically have asked him to go to the other room. He does. But sometimes he forgets.

Triggers are going to happen without people doing it on purpose. Obviously it's our job to try and manage our feelings/ responses to those things. But there is no "just get over it". Complex ptsd doesn't occur from one or two incidents. It generally results over several years from multiple traumas to children who's brains are still developing, that are also learning critical life skills. Its a different form of ptsd than what's experienced by people suffering one intense event, or several events that happen during adulthood- more typical of what soldiers experience.

Maybe you'd be able to educate your partner as he obviously doesn't understand. I just don't believe that if he REALLY understood how deep this runs, that he'd be able to behave like that and think it's "funny".

Pregnancy can be difficult for sufferers of ptsd. Many times the ptsd is caused by a parent. Naturally, we think about our own childhood when considering our new role as parents. That's not a pleasant experience for women with ptsd. We also experience a good deal more fear about caring for our babies. It's a challenging time!

The only other thing I have to add- I've definitely been more sensitive! But it's not JUST hormones. Things that bothered me before are bothering me more now. Everything is viewed through the lens of parenting. And I don't think I'm alone in being harder on my partner -trying to get him up to speed!

 

[PregnantKitty]

Thank you, guys.
I talked to him about it and he didnt really say anything. I wish he had at least apologised.
But anyway, he's already peeved me off today, too, so i guess there's no end in sight for his shit.

We've known each other for more than 11 years and we've discussed everything ibe been through, in length, by now. I feel like he should know better than to make a joke about something like that and even if he made a mistake, that's fine if he would just say sorry.

Sigh. .. my marriage is turning into crap and ive got nowhere to go and no one irl to talk to about it or ask for help.

I beliebe in marriage that you work on your problems, but how can we do that if he doesnt even try?

 

[swanxxsong]

Aw Hun. I am so sorry. to echo what was said above, I truly feel he was out of line acting as he did. Especially knowing the depths of your part, but even if he didn't, it's not right. You confided in him and he broke that confidence by making light of the situation. I would be hurt too.

I'm so sorry for your frustrations right now. I hope you're able to talk and get some sense into him to work through all of what going on right now.