Am I fooling myself??!!

[WhiteOrchid24]

Day 1 of a new cycle.....Cycle 23 to be exact of TTC #2. I know CD 1 is always the hardest, even when you know you are out for that month but I'm beginning to wonder if I am fooling myself by thinking month after month that we might actually have a shot of conceiving.

We have an amazing DS who just turned 4 and was conceived after 5 months. We started trying for #2 2 years ago and nothing....not even a hint of a pregnancy. So after a year we went to the Dr's (had been previously but told to come back after a year if still not pregnant). I had Day 21 blood test done and it was perfect. DH had a SA done and it was not perfect. Although we didn't get told the exact numbers at the start turns out he has a count of 4 mill; extra low morphology and low motility. His first test showed 0% normal morphology but 44% motility. Test #2 in October showed 2% normal morp. but down to 19% motility..... Still despite that initial result our Dr told us not to worry and we can change things. The problem is we are already healthy, drink moderately only at weekends, don't smoke and get our share of exercise. After 6 months we did the 2nd SA and as you can see it wasn't much better.... Finally our Dr agreed that it was time to start further testing so now we are waiting to see specialists in Jan & Feb.

The problem is I am now seriously wondering if we have ANY hope of conceiving naturally with his sperm being as it is. I read on another thread that with a count of 5 million you have a 1% chance of conceiving every month!!! Is that true? He has been on Fertilaid for 2 months now and I was honestly hoping for a miracle but nope..... I know for IUI they like to have a count of 10 million (from what I have read anyway) and I honestly don't think we can afford ICSI. Since it only took us 5 months to conceive our DS we have no idea if he has always had a low count etc or whether something has changed in the last 4-5 years.... Problem is nothing has changed that we are aware of so I just don't understand. Perhaps our DS was a miracle baby!

I feel like giving up even though I am trying to stay positive. After 2 years it is wearing me down. Initially I was ok with it and just figured this is going to take some time but now I just don't know anymore.

Sorry to moan, I'm just feeling a little lost today. Anyone have any advice, success stories or just words of encouragement? Thanks

 

[Napua17]

I cant help there,......but I can offer a Hug.

 

[CaliDreaming]

Of course there's always hope. You still have a LOT of ground to cover before you can say IVF/ICSI is your only option. Continue with the testing and see what that reveals. Also, your hubby is taking FertilAid, but that usually takes at least 3 months to see an effect with the recommended dosage. If he's still not taking all the Fertilaid vitamins and no vitamins for motility or count, you need to take that into account as well.

I got down too when I got to the 2 year mark, but you have to keep on trying even when it hurts and it feels like there is no hope. I still believe you will get your bfp without IVF but there are still some hurdles you will have to cross.

Hang in there and I hope soon this will all be a thing of the past.

 

[SweetPotatoPi]

Big White Orchid. Cali said pretty much everything I was going to say. Is it only the FertileAid that your DH is taking or is he doing other things as well to help his guys out?

 

[WhiteOrchid24]

Thanks Cali & Sweet Potato Pi

As of now he is just taking the Fertilaid although when I have to reorder I think I'm going to order the motility and count boost as well. Not much we can do for now until he sees the specialist but hopefully he has some better advice for us......

 

[tommyg]

Orchard I'm hitting the 2 year milestone too and it's harder than I though. I see my consultant again on Wednesday. I do think you should ask for testing and see what is going on it's too soon to throw in the towel.

 

[WhiteOrchid24]

Thanks Tommy - yeah the 2 year mark really sucks!! We have appt's set up for both of us. Actually I was meant to be seeing the Obgyn today but they just phoned to postpone it cause of an emergency! Sigh.... obviously hope all involved with the emergency are ok but have waited 3 months for that appt and now have another 2 weeks to wait..... getting so fed up of just waiting and doing nothing!

 

[SweetPotatoPi]

All the waiting is just brutal for sure . What kinds of things are you doing just for you to combat some of the wearing down that all of this does to a person WhiteOrchid?

 

[WhiteOrchid24]

To be honest, nothing! For so long I was able to stay really positive and just go from month to month but the last 6 months definitely have got harder - each month a little bit more so. Joining here really helped but recently I have read too many doom and gloom stories basically saying we have no chance of conceiving so haven't been on quite so much in the last couple of weeks. In the meantime I just try to spend as much time with my DS and realise how lucky I am to have him....still it doesn't take away the guilt I feel about him not having a little brother or sister. Thankfully he never asks!

I was really looking forward to this appt to get a bit more direction and feel a little more proactive but it will happen - just taking even longer than I hoped! This month will be the 3 month mark of DH taking Fertilaid so who knows....will stay positive that it could happen this month by itself!!

Anything you do to stay sane through it all!?!?

 

[tommyg]

Orchard I know exactly what you mean I stayed positive for a long time always had hope. That treatment would work even if I didn't land lucky before then.

But the 2 year milestone, holding one newborn and another friend who was referred to the consultant 3 weeks after me is due this week too that is just hard to take. Not helped by me having it in my head that I wanted to be pregnant before they both had their babies both have kids coming up on 3 too.

But hay if you don't have hope you have nothing. I'm not sure what the consultant will say tomorrow.

 

[SweetPotatoPi]

Orchard I know exactly what you mean I stayed positive for a long time always had hope. That treatment would work even if I didn't land lucky before then.

But the 2 year milestone, holding one newborn and another friend who was referred to the consultant 3 weeks after me is due this week too that is just hard to take. Not helped by me having it in my head that I wanted to be pregnant before they both had their babies both have kids coming up on 3 too.

But hay if you don't have hope you have nothing. I'm not sure what the consultant will say tomorrow.

I have an acquaintance that I see out and about periodically that gave birth in the same month I was due in 2013, I have another acquaintance and a friend both due next month when I should have been due next month . I'm trying to figure out how to spend time with my friend after she gives birth and not completely breakdown in front of her . I don't know if I can and I feel really shitty b/c of that . She's had losses too so she gets it but still, I hate that I have to even figure that out. I'm going on month 16 of not being able to have a successful pregnancy. Our boys were conceived easily, carried and birthed no fuss, no muss; never thought I'd be in this position of m/c'ing and having issues getting pregnant, not to mention for this long. Now two years is coming up on me quick and I can only hope I'm able to carry a successful pregnancy at least within the two year mark . This hurts in a way I have never known or could have imagined.

To be honest, nothing! For so long I was able to stay really positive and just go from month to month but the last 6 months definitely have got harder - each month a little bit more so. Joining here really helped but recently I have read too many doom and gloom stories basically saying we have no chance of conceiving so haven't been on quite so much in the last couple of weeks. In the meantime I just try to spend as much time with my DS and realise how lucky I am to have him....still it doesn't take away the guilt I feel about him not having a little brother or sister. Thankfully he never asks!

I was really looking forward to this appt to get a bit more direction and feel a little more proactive but it will happen - just taking even longer than I hoped! This month will be the 3 month mark of DH taking Fertilaid so who knows....will stay positive that it could happen this month by itself!!

Anything you do to stay sane through it all!?!?

I cry, a lot. Hell, I'm crying right now . But after a year of the same BS I started refocusing on things that make me happy: I sew, study whatever tickles my fancy, focus on my spirituality, run, yoga, knit, draw, journal, drink good wine, have a spa day, go to the movies, have tea/coffee with my good friend, crochet, eat good food, go out to comedy shows, drink good beer, listen to music I love. I'm thinking about blogging. DH and I have a date for some target practice soon and we're going to go rock climbing, planning some family hikes and things soon. Sometimes I don't have the energy to do any of these things but run and I just want to lay in bed all day or I try not to cry hysterically when I've hit another rope end b/c I need to focus on say making dinner or getting the boys' lessons together (we homeschool) or cleaning the house or doing laundry or whatever other busy-ness I have to do. But I'm always looking for something different to try for me since there's a whole damn planet out there for us to peruse and enjoy. Focusing on my spirituality (I'm not religious) has helped me immeasurably. I'm trying to make peace with the possibility that I may never be able to have another baby (even though I've always wanted a big, big family) but I'll never give up until I'm forced to. In the meantime, I'm going to live my life, wherever that may take me .

 

[tommyg]

Sweet I won't lie and pretent it was easy to hold my friends newborn but what was I to do, refuse to hold a baby because I'm full of hurt and envy? I did hold her and as much as I was choaking bad the tears I'm glad I did it. It kind of gets it over and done with and we can pick up the bits and meet up again and do the things we would do with the older kids. If I'd refused to hold her when offered a cuddle I'm sure it would have made me seem bitter and maybe not killed our friendship but it wouldn't have done it any good.

My other friend due today was very LTTTC her first and caught baby 2 first month on clomid again what do you do kill off 20 years of friendship because she was lucky with her second? I know I have to face that baby who like every baby is precious. Can't say I look forward to it but I know once I've done it I'll feel better as at the end of the day I can't avoid it.

I also have it the other way round a old friend who refuses to ever ask about my son (or another friends kids) no congratulations when they were born, no nothing and it hurts it makes her seem disinterested and ignorant. The friendship struggles to survive.

Good friendships are too hard to come by to let envy ruin them

 

[SweetPotatoPi]

Sweet I won't lie and pretent it was easy to hold my friends newborn but what was I to do, refuse to hold a baby because I'm full of hurt and envy? I did hold her and as much as I was choaking bad the tears I'm glad I did it. It kind of gets it over and done with and we can pick up the bits and meet up again and do the things we would do with the older kids. If I'd refused to hold her when offered a cuddle I'm sure it would have made me seem bitter and maybe not killed our friendship but it wouldn't have done it any good.

My other friend due today was very LTTTC her first and caught baby 2 first month on clomid again what do you do kill off 20 years of friendship because she was lucky with her second? I know I have to face that baby who like every baby is precious. Can't say I look forward to it but I know once I've done it I'll feel better as at the end of the day I can't avoid it.

I also have it the other way round a old friend who refuses to ever ask about my son (or another friends kids) no congratulations when they were born, no nothing and it hurts it makes her seem disinterested and ignorant. The friendship struggles to survive.

Good friendships are too hard to come by to let envy ruin them

I meant to quote you as well as Orchid in my PP so had to edit .

Yeah, I won't let it ruin my friendships but I won't put myself through more knives to the chest than I have to. I will figure it out and go see them on a day I'm feeling good and hopeful.

 

[SweetPotatoPi]

If the situation were reversed I just get it and wouldn't hold anything against my friend b/c I know how awful, horrible, sickeningly painful not being able to conceive and m/c'ing again and again feels. I'd give her space and time and know that when she was ready, I'd be ready.

 

[WhiteOrchid24]

Wow Sweet Potato - sounds like you keep super busy!! TBH I think that's the best thing you can do! I'm the same - get on with my life, don't waste a moment of time with my DS, enjoy my relationship with my DH, eat good food, drink wine and enjoy life as best as I can. Of course then there are the bad days but I just have to tell myself that it's ok to have crappy days and dwell a little, I just need to have that time, then get over it and try to a good day the next day.

I can imagine how hard it is with the new baby thing. There is a chance I will be seeing one on Saturday. The only thing I can think of is think how proud you will feel of yourself after you have done it. All the strength you have in that moment in time to support your friend but take time to yourself as well.

 

[SweetPotatoPi]

I do indeed try to stay busy Orchid! Yep, that's one of the only things that keeps the crazy from staying permanently out of the gate. The last few weeks though I've been having a really, really hard time and I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything at all but run and yoga. Hopefully there are some good days around the corner.

And you make such an excellent point, thank you . I will definitely feel better knowing I was able to support my friend and I know the strength I take from that situation will serve me well. I can completely lose my mind later and nurse a nice bottle of pinot, or two .

 

[SweetPotatoPi]

I forgot to say Orchid, if you end up staring down the barrel of a newborn Saturday let us know how you got on . Every time I think about snuggling someone's yummy smelling, squishy little babe I start crying!

 

[tommyg]

Don't cry over it. I guess for me looking a newborn in the eye was a reminder of how small a newborn is and the hard work.
I have to think of the extra time DS is getting from me rather than having to share me.

 

[SweetPotatoPi]

Yeah tommy, that up all night and such is something else after you come down from that birth high . I love it though .

 

[ToughhGal]

I hope I can join ladies. I have tried off and on for 3 or 4 years now. No luck or hint of pregnancy. After splitting from my ex, he had a girl pregnant within a year. I am coming to terms with my inabilities.