Am i selfish for wanting another?

[corrie anne]

So, i dont know if anyone knows me. I have posted a few times in here. I have had 4 preemies.Ranging from 34 weeks to 32 weeks. I dont want another right now, i am thinking in about 5-10 years when my others are old enough to dress and take care of themselves. We have 6 children already 5 girls and 1 boy. We anted another boy really badly but of course we know the chances for another girl are higher. I really would not care what sex it would be.
I guess i just want to know if i am being selfish for wanting another later on knowing that the baby most likely will be another early bird. I have seen the pregnancy after preemie thread(well i havent gone in it)but i dont know. I have had a lot of early babies and some of you are only having your 2-3 babies and go on to having full term babies which is great but when i know that the baby can come early, is it wrong to have another? None of which have any health problems but the last could turn out to be the worst,KWIM?

 

[Foogirl]

Oh, this is such a controversial question. More so if you were in the UK I suppose because of the use of NHS resources.

My personal opinion (and this is not to cast any judgement on you) is that I wouldn't do it because of the risks to that child. And whether that would be fair on the children I already have.

We will try for another at some point. We've been told there is absolutely no reason for the same thing to happen again. We decided after she was born, that if the chances were I'd never carry a baby to full term, we wouldn't try again, much as we want more children.

But as I said, I think these are my own feelings. Do I think you are being selfish? I really don't know, and more to the point, it aint my business. Does anyone ever really have purely selfless, altruistic reasons for having children? I'd suggest most do it because it is what they want to do, and not for any other reason! Only you can decide if it is the "right" thing to do because what is right for you may not be right for anyone else.

 

[AP]

Someone I know posted a blog about this yesterday, and I agree with foogirl over here it's more of a delicate question.

I think if could guarantee I'd have another preemie, I wouldn't be pregnant again. I couldnt put a strain on neonatal resources like that, but that's me personally, I wouldn't judge anyone else! If I had a firm reason why it all happened, id weigh up the chances.

I would agree that it is your decision, and none of our business how, when, where you start a family. and you know what is right for YOU. And I'd never judge you for it, never.

 

[corrie anne]

They are thinking the reason being for me is because i am overweight by over 50lbs,my kids are back to back, i like caffeine(which i do give up most of it during pgncy) And they know now that i would have made it further if i were listened to. I asked that i get a cerclage put in just in case my cervix started shortening. They said no. I never was diagnosed with anything. They did not take me seriously.
They asked me if i wanted to get my tubes tied and i said if i were to have another baby what they thought. They said that i could go full term if i spaded my last out, lost weight and cut out the caffeine. They dont think i have an incompetent cervix and my chances are fair.
I dont want one any sooner than 5 more years so by then, i might not want another. Just wanted opinions. I thank you both for being honest. My children want more siblings. We can not afford more now of course and might not then. So many factors have to be right before thinking more into another baby.

 

[Foogirl]

They are thinking the reason being for me is because i am overweight by over 50lbs,my kids are back to back, i like caffeine(which i do give up most of it during pgncy) And they know now that i would have made it further if i were listened to. I asked that i get a cerclage put in just in case my cervix started shortening. They said no. I never was diagnosed with anything. They did not take me seriously.
They asked me if i wanted to get my tubes tied and i said if i were to have another baby what they thought. They said that i could go full term if i spaded my last out, lost weight and cut out the caffeine. They dont think i have an incompetent cervix and my chances are fair.
I dont want one any sooner than 5 more years so by then, i might not want another. Just wanted opinions. I thank you both for being honest. My children want more siblings. We can not afford more now of course and might not then. So many factors have to be right before thinking more into another baby.

Just out of interest, do you think you will do all those things to avoid a potential preemie next time?

 

[PrincessPea]

As the other girls have already said, I think this is a controversial and very personal decision.

This is not a decision I and OH have made as we are only just at the other end of 13 weeks in the NICU having had our LO at 24+4 and I dont think we can make an objective decision at this point. Having felt the overwhelming love of being a mother I would have another in a second but OH is not for it at all and I dont blame him given that he nearly lost his wife and baby all in one go. And I also dont know if I could go through the rollercoaster that is the NICU journey again and it would not be fair to a child if I knew I was going to go early, although the consultants assure me they would get me further next time. But because my inside scar is a classical up and down scar it has been recommended that we wait at least 2 years anyway and OH and I are both aware that this will be a completely different decision 2 years down the line. Even then we will take advice from consultants then weigh up the risks. I agree with sb22 though, if it was guaranteed I'd have another preemie I wouldnt even consider it.

In my personal opinion with regards to your situation, I think that as a woman, once you have felt the love of being a mother, it makes you very broody and I dont think that will ever go away and makes you want more despite the risks. I think if I was in your shoes and had been lucky enough to have 5 healthy children I would count my lucky stars and stop at that despite my heart wanting more. Only my opinion though and everyone has to make their own decisions and again I would never judge anyone for the decisions they make based on their own circumstances.

 

[corrie anne]

In my personal opinion with regards to your situation, I think that as a woman, once you have felt the love of being a mother, it makes you very broody and I dont think that will ever go away and makes you want more despite the risks. I think if I was in your shoes and had been lucky enough to have 5 healthy children I would count my lucky stars and stop at that despite my heart wanting more. Only my opinion though and everyone has to make their own decisions and again I would never judge anyone for the decisions they make based on their own circumstances.

Exactly, I know that i get very broody at times, i think it is b/c i was made to stop nursing too soon. I nursed my 2 yr old for 17 months and it was great. I was forced to stop nursing Avery b/c i had to go to work and pumping and taking care of the other little ones would have been too much for me. I am so depressed about i dont know what to do, i guess that is really the reason of wanting another later on, i feel robbed. I miss that closeness, the bond, the only thing that i was able to do for my child alone. No one else.

I do believe that i can can change my ways over the years. The things that are needing to be done are simple. I think maybe once the baby is not a baby anymore, i may want to rethink having another. I also feel that it is the only thing i know, that i am great at(raising the babies)

 

[JColeman]

as long as you will be able to care and love for each one you could have 100 lol

 

[nkbapbt]

I am going to try to be as sensitive as I can be, but I will admit it's not my strong suit. I cannot tell you to not have any more kids, clearly! But frankly if the reasons you are having your babies early are lifestyle choices, then I don't think its fair for a lot of reasons. Like sb22 said she could not put a strain on the NICU resources, I think if you are having preemies due to lifestyle choices (unless there is clear health/medical reasons you have not disclosed) then its really unfair to strain the NICU resources.

I think if you want more kids you MUST make changes. I have to ask...if you think these changes are simple...why have they not been already made? Especially after the birth of your first preemie?

It's also not fair to your kids, just because the preemies you have had are ok....that does not mean you cannot end up having one who does have health problems in the future. I am not sure how old you are, but the older you get the higher chance of having another preemie even younger is greater. Also you could likely have one even earlier because you've have already had so many preemies.

Sorry if this is harsh but it's my opinion.

 

[Lottie86]

If you had been told to space out your children, lose weight and cut out/down on caffeine I don't understand why you didn't do that?? I am too terrified to eat more than a tiny bit of chocolate (ie a couple of little squares) once a week due to the small amount of caffeine that is in it.

Most of us who have a preemie/are at risk of a preemie do absolutely everything within our power to reduce the risk rather than not listening to advice we are given. I'm probably going to have to start on daily blood thinning injection that hurt like hell to have done and will turn my arms black and blue but if it helps keep baby safely inside me for longer I don't care how much it hurts, I'll do whatever it takes. If someone told me that being swung around by a gorilla over the edge of a tall building would reduce my chances of a preemie I'd do it so I can't understand why you didn't do things that were as simple as they are in your case (and you yourself called them simple).


Whilst ultimately it's your decision I'd say think very carefully about your reasons for wanting another and also think very hard about whether you will actually follow the advice you were given to reduce your chances of another preemie.

 

[you&me]

I took my chances on having another, knowing there was a risk it could be another preemie, however my PET was not caused by my lifestyle choices, it is one of those unexplainable things.

As we are all mum's of preemies, it isn't really anyone's place to judge your own personal decisions..however; if I was in your situation, then no, I would not have anymore, you have had 4 preemie's...that to me is taking a huge chance on fate each and every time, more so if it is your lifestyle choices that have caused those prematurities...you have 6 children, so it is not as if you don't know what it is like to feel that mother/child bond, and I completely understand that nature of broodiness.

Maybe you need to ask yourself some tough questions;
If you haven't changed your lifestyle up to now, what is the saying you would be able to do so for another baby, which could again cause another preemie and have a huge drain on resources.
Would you be able to cope and live with your decision if you wasn't so 'lucky' and your next preemie had some serious health issues?...with 6 other children would you be able to devote the time and care needed to provide for that child's emotional and physical needs?

I hope this doesn't offend you, it is simply the first things that came into my mind.

 

[Foogirl]

Maybe you need to ask yourself some tough questions;
If you haven't changed your lifestyle up to now, what is the saying you would be able to do so for another baby, which could again cause another preemie and have a huge drain on resources

This is the controversial thing about universal healthcare, with an argument that stretches beyond childbirth and into anyone who's lifestyle is rsky to their health.

However, given the OP is not in the UK and likely pays for healthcare or insurance, maybe the salient point is, can they afford another premature baby.

 

[Agiboma]

Well I know the reason I have a premie and yes the odds are pretty much certain I will have another I know the risk and yes I would have another. About the strain on the health care system will I look at it as I'm a tax paying citizen and I'm entitled to health care in Canada thats just mo sorry if it offends anyone

 

[AP]

See I would look at it that way too agiboma, but then I realised in this pregnancy that neonatal units can be full to the brim sometimes and strained for staff. We were told at 27 weeks we'd have to be transferred miles away if baby came then. It was so far away, it would be 99% impossible to visit, as I would have to think of Alex.
That's left a massive concern in my heart now and I've never slept right since. I don't think I could risk it now I've been reminded of that factor.

 

[Foogirl]

See I would look at it that way too agiboma, but then I realised in this pregnancy that neonatal units can be full to the brim sometimes and strained for staff. We were told at 27 weeks we'd have to be transferred miles away if baby came then. It was so far away, it would be 99% impossible to visit, as I would have to think of Alex.
That's left a massive concern in my heart now and I've never slept right since. I don't think I could risk it now I've been reminded of that factor.

It's not going to happen Sandi, but if it does, we'll all be around to help

I think that's a good point though. For me it would be about how it would impact on my family, not how it would impact on the taxpayer.

 

[Lottie86]

Is your neonatal close to where you live Sandi? I'm trying not to think too much about the travelling bit as none of them are 'easy' options for us, the nearest neonatal to us is an hour each way, Dundee is 2hrs and Edinburgh is 3hrs.

We've already discussed it and it will be so hard as if we end up in Dundee or Edinburgh then Dave will have to stay working up here and just come down at weekends and Findlay and I will have to live in a hotel or find a short term flat rent or something close to the neonatal and then come back up here for odd days to get his physio, OT, SALT and other appts done and then go back down again. Thereagain Aberdeen won't be much better as we've only got one car so we'd either have to go into Aberdeen with Dave really early in the morning each day and then come home with him in the evening or spend £50 each way on taxis which means I can't take Findlay home for his naps etc without it breaking the bank.

 

[AP]

Yep lot tie it's like 20 mins away by car or bus so that's cool, but we were told Dundee and D would be working so I couldn't go to Dundee with Alex everyday ykwim?

And that's when I thought, I don't think I could ever do this again.

 

[Lottie86]

Wow that's fab it's so close to you I'll keep my fingers tightly crossed that if you need neonatal they will have a bed free down where you are xx

The thing that is killing me this time is that last time I was 'lucky' enough that I was down in Dorset when it happened so I had my family and people for support whereas this time if I pop/baby gets removed in Scotland I've got nobody at all except D and as he'll be back at work after the first 2 weeks it will be a lonely journey.

Even if something goes wrong with this pregnancy and I don't have a baby at the end of it I really don't think I could ever go through this again I really don't understand how people can put themselves/their family through it so many times.

 

[AP]

Lottie if you were down here I would come and meet up with u for coffee whenever i could ok? Xxxx we all would, I'm sure the others would too x

 

[Foogirl]

Same goes for you Lottie. Plenty of people up there owe me enough favours. Plus, I know for sure my mum and dad would want to help you as much as they could. Even though they've never met you, they are always asking how you are getting on.

And if you ended up here, we have plenty room.