Am I the only one having trouble making mom friends?

[dinkery]

I have lived in this area for two years now and don't have a single friend.
To be entirely honest, this doesn't bother me.
I have always been introverted and the few friends I have made during my lifetime have been hard-earned.
It does, however, bother my husband.
Our son used to like interacting with the other babies at daycare, but several months ago I quit my job to stay home with him, and since then it's really been just the two of us.
I am okay with that - he's 1yr and 4mos old, my best friend and he makes me laugh!
But my husband wants me to get him socializing again.
So okay, I started attending toddler time sessions at the library.
I like it, baby likes it, it's all good.
I just find it sooooooooo hard to think about approaching other moms and talking to them or (GULP) asking for a phone number or a play date.
Most of them act very insulated, they just come to do the session with their child and then want to leave immediately.
The ones who seem a little nicer all appear to be already friends.
I've attempted to get involved with a couple of those nicer seeming ones in their little groups, and they allow my child to interact with theirs, but they aren't really interested in including me, they have kind of ignored me even though I've tried to make small talk.
I've tried to zoom in on one or two who don't appear as cliquey but it's been tough and I just end up feeling like a scared kid.
I'm just not sure what to do here.
I feel like I should try to set a strong, happy example for my son but...
I've never been good at making friends, even though I'm a good person.
The friends I do have I've had for years, since childhood and high school, and we keep in contact and that has always felt like enough for me.
But since we've moved out of state my husband doesn't like me being so hermity anymore, probably more for the sake of our son I guess, but I feel like I'm being pushed to do this thing I'm uncomfortable with.
I know he's right, our son needs some social interaction, and I want to get that for him, I am just lost.
When I look at it, I seem to be the only mom around here who doesn't have a single friend, has such trouble trying to make any, or who might even be interested in starting anything up.
(As I said, some around here seem a little high and mighty and don't deign to speak to anyone and just want to be off the moment the session is finished. I can obviously understand if it's shyness but in the women of this particular area it seems to be snobbery.)
So yeah, I guess that's all I want to know.
Does anyone else feel like this and have this same trouble?
Or is what I feel like true - am I really the only one?
Can someone give advice on how to dip a toe in the water here?
Maybe somebody with some shyness and social anxiety, like I have?

 

[x__amour]

I have a really hard time making mom friends myself. Actually my only friend I met from BnB!

 

[vickyandchick]

You're not alone, I feel the same way.

 

[staralfur]

I think a lot of people struggle making new friends as adults!

I find small talk almost painful sometimes so I struggle just initiating conversation out of the blue. If I notice my LO takes a liking to a kid and their mom is nearby I'll usually just say something like "how old is he/she?" or make a nice observation about them. I'd say half of my conversations with other moms start with one of them coming up to us and saying "wow, she has such beautiful curly hair!" It's a nice opener because even if the person doesn't feel like talking they can just take it as a nice compliment about their kid and it saves a lot of awkwardness. I usually respond with something that facilitates a conversation (like saying thank you and making an observation about their kid and then asking how old they are, etc.).

I find it helps if you know you'll be seeing the same people regularly, familiarity is kind of a nice basis for conversation. Like for example we go to the same park around the same time every evening and there are a couple of other people who do the same, so eventually it becomes a bit more comfortable.

My LO and another little girl hit it off instantly at her dance class and we just sort of discussed how well they played with each other, asked questions about each other's kids, etc. Eventually I just threw in a casual invitation to my LO's birthday party that was coming up. They couldn't come but it opened up the communication for getting together outside of the class in the future! You could always say something like "Have you ever been to (insert place or activity that you like to go/do with your LO)?" and if they say no you can say "Oh it's great, we go on weekends (or whenever you go) if you ever want to stop by" and if they say yes you can ask when they go/tell them when you go and that it'd be nice to coordinate times so your LOs can play. That way it's very open-ended and there's no pressure to set a formal play date if you're not sure the other person wants to.

I also don't really think it's imperative that you set regular play dates or see the same kids all the time, especially not at that age. If you're getting out regularly to play groups and parks and things then your LO will get the chance to socialize regardless of if you're making mommy friends.

 

[modified]

I don't have any friends here at all and I've been here 5-6 years. I go to baby groups and the like and very occasionally someone will talk to me but it's rare. From listening in to their conversations, it doesn't sound like we'd have much in common anyway. Nothing more than our babies.

 

[Countrygirl13]

Agree! No mummy friends made. Just friends with babies. Most memorable makin-friends moment? Going to a mother and baby group and being the only one there. The leader wandered off after five mins. I spent over an hour in a big draughty church hall by myself with my LO, too embarrassed to leave until the 'session' was over.
I found it easier to speak to mums when we started things together. Can you find out if there is a new club, activity, swimming course, summer 'camp' about to start and join with other mums on the first day? That may help make you feel less left out. Good luck!

 

[stripeycat5]

I feel the same - I have lived here for 12 years and was about 12 miles away beforehand. All the people with children are so cliquey already and aren't my kind of people at all. All my good friends from school have moved away and I see them occasionally. The people I have become really friendly with are the ladies from our swimming group but it has taken a long time for us to do anything together. I think it is so difficult to make new friends as an adult and it always seems like everyone else has mummy friends apart from you!

Now I'm on maternity leave I am trying to reconnect with a few friends who have children the same age as mine but it is for the kids benefit rather than mine tbh. I always find trying to make friends can be really one sided and I don't have enough time for that lol!x

 

[catty]

when my son was born I didnt know any other people with babies at all. (iv lived here my entire life)
I started speaking to a girl at a baby massage class as my paretner wrnt to school with her husband. didnt speak again for a while after that class finished and hadnt made any other friends. then we bumped into each other at another group and started going for walks with coffee. a bit awkward to start with as our babies would be asleep and nothing in common at that point. she introduced me to her friend that had a baby - suddenly when there was 3 of us it was much easier. not so much pressure to try and keep the convo flowing. now 2 years later it has slowly got to the stage where we went from an awkward 40 min walk to having a fb chat and meeting once a week. its saved my sanity quite alot and I actually am really glad I met them.
I do speak to people occasionally at groups but noone I meet up with outside and its conversations like 'my son loves bananas , oh so does my son' ' are you potty training yet - no - me either,' haha

but if your just wanting to to know how I would go and speak to people. eg. we have a toddler group which is a large chruch hall with lots of toys. if I see a mum standing alone or see someone that I think I might even have slightly anything in common or just someone that looks friendly id maybe comment on their childs appearance (in an uncreepy way) might ask where they got their child shoes or something from. I find people find it easy to talk about their children. another time when I didnt know many people we were lining up for coffee and I made a comment saying I needed it after a sleepless night with my daughter and then ended up getting chatting to a woman about her daughters sleep. most of the time these dont end up in playdates but if I really wantes to id maybe speak for a few months at the group then say was wondering if you wanted to try 'softplay' as our children are both similar age. probably by the response id know if they were insterested in doing anything outside the group. sorry im rambling

 

[george83]

I'm the same and in honesty it doesn't bother me for my sake but it worries me that it stops my sons from making friends. Ds1 has just finished at pre school and is about to start big school and whilst I made polite conversations with lots of the mums there it never went any further and my son was never invited to any play dates (I know I didn't initiate any dates either so I'm equally to blame) and I worry that's because I'm not in a click with any of the mums. Im not comfortable forcing myself on people so I'm not sure how to change it

 

[bcos21]

I could have written this post exactly! I actually feel bad that I don't feel Bad about it lol but I'm happy. I have husband, baby boy and dogs. I've gone to a mom group and it wasn't for me. I'm good with just a few close friends, just sucks we moved away from them lol

 

[modified]

I wasn't bothered when I had my husband either. Then he left and its awfully lonely just me and the babe!

 

[Rhio92]

I really struggle! I only have a friend from the mother and baby unit, I can't seem to make friends from baby groups or anything x

 

[laura109]

im the same. i just go for walks or into town. i do have a friend i see once a week but its not enjoyable anymore as her kid tortures my baby. just take him to the parks and stuff and he will mingle in with kids there maybee? i find these parent groups too cliquey. its ok if you know loads of people but ive always been quite unconfident and prefer to stick with what i know. must admit tho i get bored

 

[SpringCrane]

I hope reading all the replies makes you feel better, dinkery! You are definitely not alone in feeling all alone. I think it's really common to find yourself feeling a little isolated. I'm very shy, and my friends have all been from school or work... generally outgoing people that pushed past my wall and became lifelong friends. None of those friends have kids though, so I tried the baby groups and such when my son was little. I definitely did not hit it off with any moms. I'd work myself up to finally chit chat and then it wouldn't go anywhere.

I didn't really make any mommy friends until my son was about 9 months old, and it was pure luck. (Both accompanied our husbands to a conference abroad with our infant sons.) Through that initial friend, I've met several more. I've gotten better, though, and just being ballsy when it comes to chatting up a potential mom friend. If there's someone my son plays well with and I can feel a positive vibe from the mom (or dad!), I just say, "Hey, there's a group of us that get together pretty regularly, and we all have kids around the same age. If you're interested, I can let you know next time we blah blah blah..."

I think you kind of have to just go for it when you meet someone that you think you'd get along with (her parenting aligns with yours, your kiddos get along, etc.). It is really hard to do it, and you should feel really proud of yourself each time you try. And it can seem hard to work yourself into what looks like an already well established group of friends, but sometimes it really can be easier because the group dynamic can take some of the pressure off. Try to initiate a conversation with one of the moms, and ask, "So, are all of your kiddos friends? They all seem to get along so well! Have you known each other long?" or something just to get the conversation going. Things like this take a lot of effort on my part, personally. It doesn't just happen casually; I have to work through the conversation first and sweat over it... and sometimes I miss my chance... but if you can get the ball rolling, the other mom might be a more outgoing person and can take some of the weight of the conversation and help you to feel at ease!

Good luck!

 

[VickyLou]

I really could of wrote this. My best friend moved away from the area when I was pregnant so now I only see her once a month if I'm lucky. I have another friend who has a baby 6 weeks older than mine but she doesn't drive and my car isn't big enough for us all to fit in so only see her when her partner isn't working a weekend. I really don't have the confidence to go to a mother and baby group, I don't think it would be for me anyway. I'm not the type of person to make small talk or talk babies all the time. And I certainly can't be doing with clicky stuck up groups of mums. So well done you for actually giving it a go. You have made me think now tho, maybe I should try and do something cause it is just me and my daughter all day every day until my partner gets home from work. I wouldn't want my daughter to suffer cause of me not having the confidence to meet mums with babies!!

As you have already made it into a group, I think you should just bite the bullet and go for it, just approach someone you like the look of and chat away, then tell them you will see them at the group next time. Eventually you will have the courage to ask them for a play date it may just take a couple if weeks. X

 

[Amalee]

Not only have I made ZERO mom friends, but my friends who I've known a while who are moms... I hardly see. If it doesn't bother you, I wouldn't worry about trying to make "mom" friends. It'll happen organically once your child is older and actually wants to make play dates, join teams, etc. Children that young don't play together anyway, your baby isn't missing out!

However, if YOU feel like you need some mom friends so that you have some people to talk to who you can relate to better, I'd recommend hitting up a local hospital. Lots of them have mom groups (by children's age), so you can meet women who are also looking for some new friendships!

 

[twobecome3]

I am super anxiety but I have found that the more we do the easier it gets. the turning point really for me was when lo was about 18 months just me and her went on a flight together for a week away and it really got me out of my shell and got some confidence going. up until then I was just a sweaty, awkward mess when we were out together. when we got back from this trip tho we signed up at the Y, at an indoor playground and started regulary going to soft play. tho she is almost 2.5 now and I still only have one legit mom friend, but shes the real deal lifelong friend type. I have tried doing the online meet up thing, im on a local page and have met up with a few moms that way but I find these set ups to be too much pressure for me. there is one mom that I end up getting together with maybe once in a month that I met that way.

like anything I find if you are trying to hard its not going to happen. my really good friend I met at a softplay we had made small talk a few times and one day she was hovering at go time, I had wanted to exchange numbers but I pansied out, if she hadn't suggested it prob would have never happened! lol.

I think your best bet is to just become a 'regular' at a few places. yah, I find scheduled things like the library programs, sports, etc. ppl are just there and gone and its all business (lol) but more free range stuff like a softplay center or the park, a splashpad ppl are more chatty. you see the same ppl there a few times and then its a natural segue into 'hey, do you want to meet here this day' or 'our kids seem to have fun together, do you want to come by next week' (disclaimer: I haven't actually done this yet! but it sounds good, right ?? )


eta: yah someone mentioned above that at that age they don't even play together, so true!! when we meet up for playdates with my friend and her kid, the kids are excited to see each other then spend most of the time doing their own thing. I think just getting your lo out and about which you are doing, is just fine.

 

[Willow82]

I feel exactly the same. I've always found it difficult to make friends due to shyness which I think sometimes comes across as aloofness. The friends I have it took me a long time to get to know and to let my personality come out. I avoided baby and toddler groups for ages as I knew I would find it difficult to enter a situation of a bunch of strangers who already knew each other. I started going because of boredom basically and the need to have some structure/routine on the days where I'm with DS. I've been going to one for over a year and am yet to make a single friend. I've had conversations with lots of different people but it never seems to lead anywhere but you know, it gives DS a chance to socialise and for me to sit down and have a cup of tea. I do find it quite painful to see groups of mummy friends enjoying soft play, cafés etc. as it feels like I'm the only one without anyone to meet up with. DS goes to nursery 3 days a week so he gets lots of opportunities to socialise.

 

[cooch]

Wow how many of us are experience ing the same thing! I always feel last to the party, arriving or looking to meet people when friendships have been established.

Little one goes to two baby classes a week so he is getting used to other children, but as much as I talk to others I don't feel they're there for friendship. A lot of people here have families and friends with babies the same age, it is difficult to fit everything in time wise, so I guess new friends fit into this too and are not a priority for most.

Someone mentioned familiarity so I wonder if we keep going will we make friends?