Am I waiting too long?

[MoInLove]

Hey Everyone!

I would love some advice from all you other WTTers out there!

Heres a little bit about me for background:

I am 28 years old (29 in August!)
I've never been pregnant before and have been on oral contraceptives for the last ten years (YIKES!)
I am engaged to the love of my life! We are planning a wedding for the summer of 2017 in Cape May, NJ! I would love to do it sooner but we are paying for the damn thing on our own and don't want to skimp on the celebration so we need to extend our timeline a bit....

Which brings me to the whole timeline saga!

Here is the current plan:

I am currently the breadwinner for our home. My fiance took the long path towards completing school and will not graduate from medical school for 3.5 more years! That leaves me to make the money (I'm a junior architect). Once my fiance completes all his schooling we will be nearly 32.
I'm wondering what everyone's thoughts are on waiting this long to start a family? Especially since we know we want more than one child.
The reason this has become an issue lately is because my younger sister (shes 26) has been TTC for the last year and a half. Shes really struggling with fertility. There have been no fertility issues in my family other than hers that I know of. I'm one of 4 children and my mother is one of 8 (Irish, catholic family!). All her troubles have made me concerned about my timeline.
I guess I always figured that I would get pregnant as soon as we started trying (naive I know). I'm concerned that if we wait until we are 32 to start trying and I have trouble conceiving I may be 35 before I even get pregnant with my first baby. Then after 35 pregnancy becomes more challenging and birth defect possibility rises.
It would be great to know what some of you ladies are thinking! What age are you planning on TTC? Do you think we are waiting too long?

Thanks in advance for all your help and encouragement!

A

 

[MamaByrd]

Well, how do you feel about possibly being pregnant or a new mom for your wedding?

 

[SweetPea3200]

I think you have to do whatever feels right for you! I started TTC at 22 but that's because we were both graduated and had decent jobs. Now pregnant at 24, I'm glad I started early because it did take a while for me. I also have a friend in her early thirties who has been trying for quite a while and says she wishes she was ready back when she was my age so that she would feel less pressure about time. All that being said, that doesn't mean that you will have any trouble at all! My sister had a super easy time falling pregnant while I struggled with ever getting a BFP. It's different for each person. Plus, I've heard multiple stories about ladies in their late 40's having healthy babies, I think it's just important to be aware of the extra risks. For example, would you be okay with having twins or does that thought give you nightmares? Twins become more and more common as mamma gets older.

It's a lot to think about but whatever decision you make, it will be the right one for you. You and your fiancé will make it work no matter how it happens! GL

 

[MoInLove]

I would be thrilled to be a new mom or pregnant for the wedding I'm sure! I guess I worry more about the finances. If I'm planning this $15,000 wedding and I fall pregnant am I going to feel guilty spending that money on a wedding rather than the new baby? Will we be able to afford a wedding AND a new baby?

The waiting game has me concerned.

I'm also still taking oral contraceptives. Do you ladies think I should stop taking them sooner rather than later? Even if we are still planning to wait?

At this point, I have no idea what my normal cycles are even like! I've been on the pill so long that its hard to know anything about how my body would naturally behave.

A

 

[jtr2803]

I must be doomed then at the grand old age of 33 and probably not gonna be ttcing until next year

I think the statistics are massively over dramatised, the boards here are evidence its perfectly possible to have multiple children well into your thirties. I'd rather wait and be as 'ready' as we can physically, emotionally and financially than allow a few numbers to sway probably the biggest decision of my life.

Have the wedding you dream of, you only plan on doing it once! Enjoy the build up and then see how you feel, once your oh finishes school you will surely be in a much better financial position which can only be a good thing when you have another mouth to feed

 

[CaliFrog]

I'm 32 and hubby will be 39 this year. We are waiting at least 1 if not more like 2 years before TTC. I have been on BC for about 13 years. We have no idea how easy it will be to conceive. I also worry about the risks and complications that go along with being older. There are older people, who are able to conceive naturally, and have healthy babies. There are younger people, who struggle to conceive, who may never naturally conceive, who have babies with health problems, etc. The statistics are averages, but my husband and I will not know where we fit into the data until we actually start trying to conceive. One thing is for sure: We agree waiting in our situation makes sense.
Have you talked to your OH about his thoughts on the topic? Also if you don't have a budget, you could make one to see how the financial situation is and then make a prediction how it might look if you had a baby.

 

[MoInLove]

I like how you put it that there are young people who struggle with fertility and older people who get pregnant without trouble! It definitely eases my mind that there are several of you who are in your early 30's and are still WTT.

My fiance and I have had the discussions about timeline. We do agree that it would be ideal if we could wait until he is out of med. school and we will be more financially stable. I do know that life doesn't always care what your plans are though! My biggest fear is that we wait until we are "ready" and then not be able to conceive. We have discussed adoption if this does become an issue. I think we may pursue adoption of at least one child regardless of whether or not we are able to have biological children but we will see where life takes us.

I just hope we never have to go through the 'if only we tried earlier, we may have been able to have a baby'. Or the "if we tried earlier we would have found this glaring fertility issue that we were unaware of" problem.

 

[mom and ttc]

to be honest big weddings are overrated... we eloped and i love it at the end, and no money wasted to feed others. we were 20/25 when we got married and had our kids at 21/23 and husband was 26/28 we are now 26/31 and my husband is trying to get a vasectomy reversal.
i would wait, could you afford taking off work? your boyfriend isn't working yet and as soon as you have one kids you will think about a sibling...kids are expensive! and even though mine are still fairly little they want toys, vacations etc.
We live in Hawaii, very expensive, we pay $10 a gallon for milk (organic, non organic is 6.99) simple things add up! Both my kids wanted a surfboard last week ... they got one (they will have to share lol) few hundred bucks here and there goes fast.
Be sure you can afford children before you start. The biggest thing is, 2 kids come fast ...

 

[staralfur]

I don't think 32 is old at at all, it's actually quite average where I live. I'm 26 and a majority of my friends still don't have children and aren't thinking about having children yet.

I had an unplanned pregnancy at 22 and I can say that there are definite drawbacks to having kids before you're ready, too. I was still in school, and having a baby before I was done meant adding years to my degree (and it was a whole lot harder). There's definitely something to be said for finishing school/starting a career before having a baby.

I wouldn't be too concerned about the money you spend on the wedding, especially since it's a one-time cost. Babies aren't really that expensive (or at least they don't have to be). Just now at 3 is my LO starting to cost a bit more since she's always wanting to go out to do stuff, take classes, etc. When she was a baby she didn't really cost anything at all outside of clothes (we breastfed and used cloth diapers, so no ongoing monthly costs).

I also would try not to stress about fertility, you just never know until you get there. My DH and I have had a few oopsies since having my LO and I haven't gotten pregnant, so the thought has crossed my mind that maybe a second child may not be easy to conceive. But realistically I'm not ready yet and I don't want to bring another baby into this world until I know I'm prepared, just because I'm afraid of what TTC will be like.

It sounds like you've thought everything through and have a good plan made.

 

[Sakura15]

Just to offer another perspective...if motherhood is something you really want, I would say go for it sooner rather than later, if you *can*. What actually defines if you *can* is of course a very personal thing.
Why not start when you are in your physical prime and have the lowest risks to yourself and baby? Yes - many women successfully have babies well into their 30s and beyond. I hope that I will too - I am the same age as you are, and I hope to have 2 or 3 with a few years between. But as many success stories as they are, there are also not-so-nice ones.

We wanted to be married before starting a family. I wanted to finish my Master's, and he also wanted to make further steps with his career. But after an unplanned pregnancy which ended in an early mc last year, I realised just how badly I wanted to be a mother. We have now decided to TTC this year, although we don't know when we'll get married, I have started (but won't yet be finished) my Master's, and he's still not where he'd like to be career-wise. But we are stable financially, solid in our relationship, and not getting any younger (he is 36), so we figured - let's go. Will it complicate things? A bit. But you can't have your cake and eat it too. That's life - there's no point fooling yourself you're guaranteed to have everything you want exactly how you want it. But decide what's most crucial to you, what your options are, and what you're willing to sacrifice. And go with what makes you happiest....but my (biased) vote would be sooner rather than later

 

[MindUtopia]

I wouldn't be in any hurry. It's hard to imagine now how much your life will change when you have a child, and it can seem like an eternity away and then there is all the what if's. But if you have things you want to do now. Do them. They'll be so much harder once you have a child because you won't have the luxury of being selfish and having as much free time to devote to study or your career. Also, if you can get yourself into a position where you can have an extended maternity leave, more than the few weeks that most people in the U.S. take, do it. I was off work for a year and at that point I was ready to go back, but I literally would have self-destructed from stress and exhaustion if I'd had to go back after only 8 weeks. Give yourself space and time to grow into parenting and take time to just enjoy each other and not having to worry about anyone else while you have the chance. I was 32 when I had my daughter, in my 4th year of a 6+ year PhD (I'll finish next spring). It was a great age to have my first and I didn't feel like I waited too long. Honestly, any earlier wouldn't even been possible as my husband and I were living in different countries up until the year before I got pregnant as we were both in school still. We also wanted to take time after we got married (about 9 months before I got pregnant) to settle into our new home, travel (we spend several weeks in India where we both used to live), and just enjoy spending time together just the two of us. I got pregnant almost right away (after 13 years on the pill). And we'll plan to have our 2nd (and last) when I'm 35/36.

I can also say as someone who is combining having a small child with grad school, your husband will want to be in a place when he has flexibility and time to devote to parenting. I'm lucky in that I could actually take a whole year off from my PhD to be at home (we have paid maternity leave for 9 months over here). Your husband likely won't be able to do that obviously, but you'll want him to be at a place in his career when he can focus attention somewhere besides study and work, when he'll be home in the evenings and be able to devote weekends to quality family time. Having a baby or a child is hard, hard work. In my case, doing it while I was still in school was the best option (particularly because if I'd waited til I finished I'd be at least 36 when I had my first, which I didn't want to be) because that gave me the most flexibility and ability to take time off. I'm not sure that med school affords quite as much flexibility. Plus, if him working means financially you'll be in a position to take off more time to be at home if you want to (and even if you don't know if you want to now, you may find this changes later), then I would do that.

Use the next couple years to be selfish, travel, develop your career, sleep in (I've not slept past 7am once in the past two years), do all the things you like to do that you might not have time to do once you become a parent. More than likely you won't regret waiting once you're there and you'll be glad for the extra time it bought you as a couple.