Am I wrong to be mad?

[mrsharper1]

To correct myself, I am not really so much "mad." More like irritated or annoyed and sometimes hurt. So heres the story.
I recently got married in August. My husband and I have been TTC since shortly before the wedding. I told my best friend and maid of honor in my wedding as soon as we started and she started talking about how thats crazy because she isn't ready for a baby yet but is happy for us. We were struggling, as I thought it would be much quicker. However, about 2 days after I told her we were TTC, she told me she had unprotected sex and the man did not "pull." I asked why she would do that if she wasn't ready for a baby and she didn't really have an answer for me. She had just gotten out of a year long abusive relationship and was having sex with a new guy she was only casually dating. Well this happened a couple more times and about a month later she announced she was pregnant.
She's made comments such as "you just don't understand what its like to be pregnant." and "God only gives babies when the person is ready. You must not be ready yet."
On one hand I'm really happy for her, but I also am jealous and know I shouldn't be. Its also the comments she likes so much to make reminding me that I'm not pregnant. I feel like she only started having unprotected sex because she wanted to be pregnant before me. That might be irrational and thats my question. Am I being irrational for these feelings? I haven't said anything to her at all about them.

 

[mrsharper1]

To correct myself, I am not really so much "mad." More like irritated or annoyed and sometimes hurt. So heres the story.
I recently got married in August. My husband and I have been TTC since shortly before the wedding. I told my best friend and maid of honor in my wedding as soon as we started and she started talking about how thats crazy because she isn't ready for a baby yet but is happy for us. We were struggling, as I thought it would be much quicker. However, about 2 days after I told her we were TTC, she told me she had unprotected sex and the man did not "pull." I asked why she would do that if she wasn't ready for a baby and she didn't really have an answer for me. She had just gotten out of a year long abusive relationship and was having sex with a new guy she was only casually dating. Well this happened a couple more times and about a month later she announced she was pregnant.
She's made comments such as "you just don't understand what its like to be pregnant." and "God only gives babies when the person is ready. You must not be ready yet."
On one hand I'm really happy for her, but I also am jealous and know I shouldn't be. Its also the comments she likes so much to make reminding me that I'm not pregnant. I feel like she only started having unprotected sex because she wanted to be pregnant before me. That might be irrational and thats my question. Am I being irrational for these feelings? I haven't said anything to her at all about them.

Also please let me know if theres a better thread to post this on... I wasn't sure if this was the best place.

 

[Witchrose]

To be honest, I do think it is irrational to be upset that she is pregnant, and to think that she did so on purpose just to become pregnant before you. Are there really women who set out to go through labor, birth, and at least 18 years of child-raising just so they can be first?

On the other hand, I do think it is understandable that you are feeling hurt when she is saying such insensitive things to you. (though she likely doesn't mean them the way they are sounding)

You said she had recently gotten out of an abusive relationship, so I gather there is a lot of issues she has to deal with recovery-wise.

If she is someone you really care about, I would ask to sit down and have a calm, heart to heart adult conversation with her. Speak without judgement. Just let her know how she has made you feel. Hopefully she will listen. And then listen to her in return. Considering the circumstances, she's probably very unsure and frightened.

Good luck! Hope everything works out okay.

 

[drudai]

I'm gonna make an unpopular comment and say honestly: yes there are vindictive people who love to steal the thunder from others. Either unintentional or subconsciously, but they do it... I've seen it first hand, not just pregnancy.

Whether you want someone like that in your life or not is up to you. Yeah you can talk to her about it, but doesn't sound like she's exactly being supportive. Friends lift you up, not try to dismiss you (you just don't understand/using God against you, etc)... She sounds toxic.

 

[Witchrose]

I actually agree. She could be a toxic, horrible person. And if that is the case, I would also advice the OP to move on. No one needs insensitive, unsupportive "friends". It's just that it's hard to tell with these things from just one post. I figure the OP knows their history so knows if it is worth trying to talk to her or not. It sounds like they are both going through difficult times right now, so it's possible that both have said things/taken things wrong. And if that's the case, then a good talk could help. On the other hand...

to the op: Does the "friend" have a history of this kind of behavior toward you?

 

[mrsharper1]

I actually agree. She could be a toxic, horrible person. And if that is the case, I would also advice the OP to move on. No one needs insensitive, unsupportive "friends". It's just that it's hard to tell with these things from just one post. I figure the OP knows their history so knows if it is worth trying to talk to her or not. It sounds like they are both going through difficult times right now, so it's possible that both have said things/taken things wrong. And if that's the case, then a good talk could help. On the other hand...

to the op: Does the "friend" have a history of this kind of behavior toward you?

She really does. She found out the week of my wedding that she was pregnant and I swear she made my whole wedding about her pregnancy. Don't get me wrong either, I am/was very happy for her, but I did tell her to give me a couple weeks to process the news and get over my jealousy before we could talk about it ALL the time. I know when I get pregnant, I'll want to talk about it all the time too! haha! But she announced on the night of my rehearsal dinner without saying anything to me first. Like stood in the front of the arch that I was to be married under the next day, said "Can I have everyone's attention?" And proceeded to literally announce her pregnancy to all my guests. I was only a little annoyed by this because then we were trying to rehearse and everyone just wanted to hug her and congratulate her while we had a time limit on our dinner reservation.
Then she asked if she could wear tennis shoes under her dress, and I told her no. She proceeded to ask at least 20 more times, and she kept using her pregnancy as an excuse, even though I wasn't saying she had to wear heels. I said she could wear flats or a nice pair of sandals or something. Then she showed up with converse. The morning of the wedding I told everyone they needed updos as I was doing mine half-down and wanted all the bridesmaids to be different. They all said okay. I had made appointments for all of us to get our hair done at the same salon at the same time. She said she wanted to go somewhere else, which was fine. She came back with the exact same hairstyle as me.
She also said during her speech at dinner "Wow you're married now and I'm the first one to have a baby. Isn't that crazy?"

All of this happening at the same time plus the comments she makes toward me just is so overwhelming. Its an emotional time so I know these may just be little things and I'm just really sensitive and annoyed, but it just makes me feel really jealous/hurt/angry/annoyed.. I dont even know the word to use! And I am not mad BECAUSE she's pregnant, only the way she's been acting about it. And its a combination of everything as well.

Thank you all for your responses!

 

[Witchrose]

Okay, now she really does sound extremely self-centered and insensitive. Not to mention a drama queen. It's certainly not how any emotionally mature adult acts.

So, now having heard more, no. I don't think you are being irrational.

The situation was very different, but years ago I did have to let go of a toxic friend. I loved her, and she did have great qualities, and we had so many years of history that it was hard to have to let go. But she was so toxic in other ways, I knew I had to. Now years later, I still miss her from time to time, but know that it was best that we did "break up" so to speak.

And now I feel very happy to see I have a small number of dear, supportive friends in my life.

If you feel it would be for your best emotional and mental being to have her out of your life, I would wish her a good life and say goodbye.

 

[sevenofnine]

I'm gonna make an unpopular comment and say honestly: yes there are vindictive people who love to steal the thunder from others. Either unintentional or subconsciously, but they do it... I've seen it first hand, not just pregnancy.

Whether you want someone like that in your life or not is up to you. Yeah you can talk to her about it, but doesn't sound like she's exactly being supportive. Friends lift you up, not try to dismiss you (you just don't understand/using God against you, etc)... She sounds toxic.

I hate to be a pessimist but I agree. I absolutely, without a doubt know people (who are no longer a part of my life) who did things like this. Yes, even things as drastic as pregnancy.

 

[Witchrose]

Just as a side note, if I knew a woman who got pregnant, not because she really wanted a child, but out of some deranged idea that in doing so it was making her "special" and she was somehow showing up others in a competition that only exists in her head, while I certainly wouldn't want to hang around someone like that, I wouldn't get angry or upset about it. "She" is the one who has to live with the consequences. And I think people like that do wake up to harsh realities.

So while your feelings of hurt are understandable as you thought of her as a friend, I would try to just move on and focus on your own happiness and well-being.

 

[Rubber_Duckie]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I had a similar experience to you, except it was my brother and his babies mama. They announced they were pregnant before I left the state, then I friended her on Facebook. She basically rubbed it in my face that she was pregnant and she said "You'll never have this luxury. You'll never know what It's like to be pregnant." She said this knowing full well that I had a cervix cancer scare before she was said this... I was told everything was okay and nothing was wrong and I was totally healthy and able to have a baby. Now I'm TTC with my husband. I told her I was waiting to conceive until DH and I were married and ready. Because she had said this, it strained the relationship between my brother and I.

So in my opinion, I honestly don't think you're in the wrong. Good luck and I hope you conceive soon!

 

[LeeMcMee]

omg I'd be pissed!! I got mad when my sis in law rushed to have a baby before us. They were dating for less time than us and rushed to get married before us and then have a baby before us. We are finally TTC now, but I'm not telling her out of fear that she will rush and get prego with baby #2 lol and I can't believe the comments your friend is saying to you!! Props to you for having patience. I'd be a total bitch.

 

[LeeMcMee]

I actually agree. She could be a toxic, horrible person. And if that is the case, I would also advice the OP to move on. No one needs insensitive, unsupportive "friends". It's just that it's hard to tell with these things from just one post. I figure the OP knows their history so knows if it is worth trying to talk to her or not. It sounds like they are both going through difficult times right now, so it's possible that both have said things/taken things wrong. And if that's the case, then a good talk could help. On the other hand...

to the op: Does the "friend" have a history of this kind of behavior toward you?

She really does. She found out the week of my wedding that she was pregnant and I swear she made my whole wedding about her pregnancy. Don't get me wrong either, I am/was very happy for her, but I did tell her to give me a couple weeks to process the news and get over my jealousy before we could talk about it ALL the time. I know when I get pregnant, I'll want to talk about it all the time too! haha! But she announced on the night of my rehearsal dinner without saying anything to me first. Like stood in the front of the arch that I was to be married under the next day, said "Can I have everyone's attention?" And proceeded to literally announce her pregnancy to all my guests. I was only a little annoyed by this because then we were trying to rehearse and everyone just wanted to hug her and congratulate her while we had a time limit on our dinner reservation.
Then she asked if she could wear tennis shoes under her dress, and I told her no. She proceeded to ask at least 20 more times, and she kept using her pregnancy as an excuse, even though I wasn't saying she had to wear heels. I said she could wear flats or a nice pair of sandals or something. Then she showed up with converse. The morning of the wedding I told everyone they needed updos as I was doing mine half-down and wanted all the bridesmaids to be different. They all said okay. I had made appointments for all of us to get our hair done at the same salon at the same time. She said she wanted to go somewhere else, which was fine. She came back with the exact same hairstyle as me.
She also said during her speech at dinner "Wow you're married now and I'm the first one to have a baby. Isn't that crazy?"

All of this happening at the same time plus the comments she makes toward me just is so overwhelming. Its an emotional time so I know these may just be little things and I'm just really sensitive and annoyed, but it just makes me feel really jealous/hurt/angry/annoyed.. I dont even know the word to use! And I am not mad BECAUSE she's pregnant, only the way she's been acting about it. And its a combination of everything as well.

Thank you all for your responses!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOW she is insane!!!! That's such a horrible thing to do to you at your rehearsal, regardless of whether or not you are jealous. That's so messed up. I think it's time for a new friend!