An apology, an explanation and an admission.

[Gnomer]

Thank you so much. I don't feel as 'unfeeling' now. I put the fact I blocked it out as a sign i didn't care. But I am starting to realise I did actually care. I think its definitely this pregnancy that has made it all come back to the front of my mind. I'm slowly creeping up to 16+5, and I'm a nervous wreck! Along with the dreams and the guilt, its been a rather strange, and stressful, time.

I think I've been building up to this out pour for a while. I needed to release. And reading this forum has helped me understand so much more.

I've been thinking about how public I want to go with my past. And I think it will always be something I keep to myself. Maybe one day tell my mum, and definitely tell OH at some point in the near future.

 

[daopdesign]

God help me too when I get to 16 weeks I don't think I'll be able to even start to enjoy my next pregnancy until babies safe in my arms!

 

[jojo23]

the time will come when you feel ready to tell people hun but until then dont feel overwhelmed by it all. just take it one step at a time and i bet any money that when you do tell your OH it will make you so much closer to each other and you can grieve together. stay strong xxxxx

 

[Gnomer]

Thankyou girls. I hope so much I come to terms with it, and these darn dreams bugger off. As much as I love dreaming about my LO, and I strongly suspect recent dreams have been about my lost LO, I hate waking up then having the sudden reality shock.

God help me too when I get to 16 weeks I don't think I'll be able to even start to enjoy my next pregnancy until babies safe in my arms!

Yep I'm resolving myself to this now. I thought I'd be fine, not a worrier or anything. But this pregnancy has brought about emotions and worries I never even knew existed!
On the other hand though, I never paid any attention to any of these pregnancy feelings last time, and this time I'm loving being aware of the changes!
*smooshes*

And thank you Jojo! My OH is so caring. When the time comes, I know he'll be the best help I could have asked for

 

[MrsWez]

How people deal with a loss is individual to the person. You had to deal with a pregnancy and a loss at the same time, and that was no doubt was a shock to you.

Reading and running sometimes helps to make you feel like you are ready to share because other women are going through a similar loss. No one should judge you on that.

Good luck with your pregnancy, try not to be too hard on yourself.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Thank you fro being honest it means a lot. xxooxox

 

[Tatertot]

It's hard to be brave, isn't it?

Don't ever apologize for the way you handled your loss. As some others have said, there's no right or wrong way to grieve or feel. You did the best you could and that's all you have to do.


I hope that you are able to use this site to give you some support. I too read and run more than I should. Sometimes I read things fully intending to post something, but then I can't. I get stuck in my own sadness and can't handle it. Just keep doing the best you can!

 

[ajraye]

 

[Hotbump]

 

[Baby France]

 

[vermeil]

yes we all grieve differently... you did absolutely nothing wrong! Do not let the guilt take over and overcome you - let it pass you by, little by little. And yes take the time to grieve this shadow and live the emotions you couldn`t last year

 

[Tatertot]

yes we all grieve differently... you did absolutely nothing wrong! Do not let the guilt take over and overcome you - let it pass you by, little by little. And yes take the time to grieve this shadow and live the emotions you couldn`t last year

Nicely said.

 

[Doodlepants]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
xx

 

[Gnomer]

I've taken a week out. Not completely out, but mainly trying to figure out where I am with my emotions.
I've kind of spoken to OH about it, and he agrees with me that I need to do my own bit of grieving now. Although my ignorance last year shows I did actually grieve, I think I need it to be a bit more open to ease my guilt.

Its strange explaining this guilt. I know its something I shouldn't be letting myself feel. After posting this on here, your replies helped me understand that I wasn't odd and uncaring. I just handled it different. Logic tells me I shouldn't feel guilty for handling it differently. But, I can't help it!

So my action plan.
First and foremost, I need a place I can associate with my angel. I spent a lot of time on top of a giant hill last year. It was my quiet, thinking spot. I say hill, its more like the edge of a quarry, on the edge of a cliff with water at the bottom. Anyway. It doesn't get much people traffic, and I think its a lovely place to feel close to my LO. Me and OH are going to go up this coming weekend, which is also our anniversary, and have a picnic. I'm going to fill him in on the full story too. Maybe.

Secondly, I need to start being more open with my feelings. Not to the world, but at least to those who love me. Bottling all this up is definitely no good for me.

And you know. I feel better. As if suddenly I'm through all the confusion, and I kinda know what I need to do.

thank you all so much! I suppose I jsut needed to hear I wasn't a bad person.

 

[Gnomer]

I've taken a week out. Not completely out, but mainly trying to figure out where I am with my emotions.
I've kind of spoken to OH about it, and he agrees with me that I need to do my own bit of grieving now. Although my ignorance last year shows I did actually grieve, I think I need it to be a bit more open to ease my guilt.

Its strange explaining this guilt. I know its something I shouldn't be letting myself feel. After posting this on here, your replies helped me understand that I wasn't odd and uncaring. I just handled it different. Logic tells me I shouldn't feel guilty for handling it differently. But, I can't help it!

So my action plan.
First and foremost, I need a place I can associate with my angel. I spent a lot of time on top of a giant hill last year. It was my quiet, thinking spot. I say hill, its more like the edge of a quarry, on the edge of a cliff with water at the bottom. Anyway. It doesn't get much people traffic, and I think its a lovely place to feel close to my LO. Me and OH are going to go up this coming weekend, which is also our anniversary, and have a picnic. I'm going to fill him in on the full story too. Maybe.

Secondly, I need to start being more open with my feelings. Not to the world, but at least to those who love me. Bottling all this up is definitely no good for me.

And you know. I feel better. As if suddenly I'm through all the confusion, and I kinda know what I need to do.

thank you all so much! I suppose I jsut needed to hear I wasn't a bad person.

 

[chichestermum]