I'm new here; I found this site from a google search and feel that I need a place like this right now. I feel the need to share my story with women who have been through something similar.
I'm different from most stories I've read here so far. I didn't know I was pregnant. I had no symptoms, didn't gain any weight, and continued to have a "period" during my normal time each month.
I started what I thought was my normal period last Monday morning. I carried on as usual. That night I woke up and the bed was soaked with blood. I went to the restroom to clean myself up and was still bleeding very heavily. This is unusual for me as my periods are always very light. I wasn't really in pain, so I just wrote it off.
At 2:30 am last Thursday I woke up with horrible cramps. By 4:30 am they were coming in intervals and were very strong. I woke up my husband and told him we needed to go to the ER. Something wasn't right.
We arrived at the ER and they asked all of the normal questions. One of the ER nurses came into the room and asked what I had taken for pain. I told her nothing since the day before. She then gave me a lecture about how expensive visits to the ER are and that you should always try to take something before coming. "After all, it's only about 30 minutes until pain relievers take effect" were her words. Finally she examined my lower abdomen and with wide eyes said that my uterus was all the way up to my belly button. She asked if I'd felt any movement and I told her no. By this time what I later learned were contractions were getting stonger, to the point I was moaning in pain. She would give me no medication until after an ultrasound.
We waited for another hour until it was finally time for the US. I was in enough pain by then that I don't remember hearing anything that the lady said. I just remember that every time she touched my stomach the contractions seemed to get worse and I was screaming in pain. My husband told me that I was 20 weeks a long and that there was no amniotic fluid around the baby.
The ER doctor examined my cervix and I remember him telling the nurse to "get her up to labor and delivery NOW." On the way up my husband held my hand and told me they were going to do a D&C. I didn't even know what that was and honestly I didn't care at the moment. I was in the worst pain I've ever felt in my life, or could even imagine possible.
The ER nurse came with me to L&D and held my hand the entire way. She said a prayer for my and my husband before she left. An RN finally came in after what seemed like forever. She told us that the doctors shift was over and they were waiting on the next doctor to get there. She said she'd start the paper work. I was screaming at everyone, her, my husband, everything. I was screaming so loud with each contraction that I didn't have a voice the next day. She finally gave me some Demerol, which didn't help the pain at all.
We were left alone again. The doctor didn't get there in time. I felt the baby coming out. I screamed to my husband to go get someone. After just 2 pushes my little angel was born sleeping at 9:30 am.
The nurse then told us all of our options. She said the baby didn't weigh enough for the hospital to provide a service, but they would do a burial. She gave us the option to see the baby. At that time, me and my husband hadn't even had time to process that we were pregnant, let alone what to do now. She left us alone to decide.
I wanted to know the sex of the baby. I don't think DH did, but he agreed. She told us we had a little boy. DH broke down for the first time hearing that. Even though we decided we didn't want kids (he already has a 21 year old girl) he's always been sad that his last name will end with him. We cried together. Our little boy was 10 inches long.
The next part of our decision is what I will regret for the rest of my life. We decided not to see him. We didn't see him, I didn't hold him, we didn't name him at the time. I just left him. The hospital did take pictures of him, and sent us home with a box full of stuff. Neither of us have had the heart to look at it yet.
It's especially hard because I have no one to talk to about it. Since we didn't know, none of our friends or family knew I was pregnant either. So we didn't feel right telling them that we lost our little boy. My husband is being very good at letting me talk when I want to, and not pushing it when I don't. But he has thrown himself into his work since it happened. When he's not at his office, he works in his office at home. I just feel alone. I'm back to work today (tomorrow will be the 1 week marker), and am finding it even harder than sitting at home with nothing to do but think about things.
I feel like everything is my fault. I should've known my body better. I should have known I was pregnant and got the prenatal care I needed for him to survive.
The doctor told us that since I've bled all throughout the pregnancy that the placenta probably never attached right, and that this was just "one of those things." Hubby keeps telling me everything happens for a reason, and that just makes it worse.
I've relived that day over and over a million times a day since it happened. I don't know how to move on from this. Now I'm getting a lot of milk and it just seems so cruel. I miss my little one that I never even knew existed.
I'm different from most stories I've read here so far. I didn't know I was pregnant. I had no symptoms, didn't gain any weight, and continued to have a "period" during my normal time each month.
I started what I thought was my normal period last Monday morning. I carried on as usual. That night I woke up and the bed was soaked with blood. I went to the restroom to clean myself up and was still bleeding very heavily. This is unusual for me as my periods are always very light. I wasn't really in pain, so I just wrote it off.
At 2:30 am last Thursday I woke up with horrible cramps. By 4:30 am they were coming in intervals and were very strong. I woke up my husband and told him we needed to go to the ER. Something wasn't right.
We arrived at the ER and they asked all of the normal questions. One of the ER nurses came into the room and asked what I had taken for pain. I told her nothing since the day before. She then gave me a lecture about how expensive visits to the ER are and that you should always try to take something before coming. "After all, it's only about 30 minutes until pain relievers take effect" were her words. Finally she examined my lower abdomen and with wide eyes said that my uterus was all the way up to my belly button. She asked if I'd felt any movement and I told her no. By this time what I later learned were contractions were getting stonger, to the point I was moaning in pain. She would give me no medication until after an ultrasound.
We waited for another hour until it was finally time for the US. I was in enough pain by then that I don't remember hearing anything that the lady said. I just remember that every time she touched my stomach the contractions seemed to get worse and I was screaming in pain. My husband told me that I was 20 weeks a long and that there was no amniotic fluid around the baby.
The ER doctor examined my cervix and I remember him telling the nurse to "get her up to labor and delivery NOW." On the way up my husband held my hand and told me they were going to do a D&C. I didn't even know what that was and honestly I didn't care at the moment. I was in the worst pain I've ever felt in my life, or could even imagine possible.
The ER nurse came with me to L&D and held my hand the entire way. She said a prayer for my and my husband before she left. An RN finally came in after what seemed like forever. She told us that the doctors shift was over and they were waiting on the next doctor to get there. She said she'd start the paper work. I was screaming at everyone, her, my husband, everything. I was screaming so loud with each contraction that I didn't have a voice the next day. She finally gave me some Demerol, which didn't help the pain at all.
We were left alone again. The doctor didn't get there in time. I felt the baby coming out. I screamed to my husband to go get someone. After just 2 pushes my little angel was born sleeping at 9:30 am.
The nurse then told us all of our options. She said the baby didn't weigh enough for the hospital to provide a service, but they would do a burial. She gave us the option to see the baby. At that time, me and my husband hadn't even had time to process that we were pregnant, let alone what to do now. She left us alone to decide.
I wanted to know the sex of the baby. I don't think DH did, but he agreed. She told us we had a little boy. DH broke down for the first time hearing that. Even though we decided we didn't want kids (he already has a 21 year old girl) he's always been sad that his last name will end with him. We cried together. Our little boy was 10 inches long.
The next part of our decision is what I will regret for the rest of my life. We decided not to see him. We didn't see him, I didn't hold him, we didn't name him at the time. I just left him. The hospital did take pictures of him, and sent us home with a box full of stuff. Neither of us have had the heart to look at it yet.
It's especially hard because I have no one to talk to about it. Since we didn't know, none of our friends or family knew I was pregnant either. So we didn't feel right telling them that we lost our little boy. My husband is being very good at letting me talk when I want to, and not pushing it when I don't. But he has thrown himself into his work since it happened. When he's not at his office, he works in his office at home. I just feel alone. I'm back to work today (tomorrow will be the 1 week marker), and am finding it even harder than sitting at home with nothing to do but think about things.
I feel like everything is my fault. I should've known my body better. I should have known I was pregnant and got the prenatal care I needed for him to survive.
The doctor told us that since I've bled all throughout the pregnancy that the placenta probably never attached right, and that this was just "one of those things." Hubby keeps telling me everything happens for a reason, and that just makes it worse.I've relived that day over and over a million times a day since it happened. I don't know how to move on from this. Now I'm getting a lot of milk and it just seems so cruel. I miss my little one that I never even knew existed.
please be gentle with yourself and take your time healing. you will need it.
