Angel Mom 11/10/11 (long)

Discussion in 'Second Trimester Losses' started by Jewels84, Nov 16, 2011.

  1. Jewels84

    Jewels84 Member

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    I'm new here; I found this site from a google search and feel that I need a place like this right now. I feel the need to share my story with women who have been through something similar.

    I'm different from most stories I've read here so far. I didn't know I was pregnant. I had no symptoms, didn't gain any weight, and continued to have a "period" during my normal time each month.

    I started what I thought was my normal period last Monday morning. I carried on as usual. That night I woke up and the bed was soaked with blood. I went to the restroom to clean myself up and was still bleeding very heavily. This is unusual for me as my periods are always very light. I wasn't really in pain, so I just wrote it off.

    At 2:30 am last Thursday I woke up with horrible cramps. By 4:30 am they were coming in intervals and were very strong. I woke up my husband and told him we needed to go to the ER. Something wasn't right.

    We arrived at the ER and they asked all of the normal questions. One of the ER nurses came into the room and asked what I had taken for pain. I told her nothing since the day before. She then gave me a lecture about how expensive visits to the ER are and that you should always try to take something before coming. "After all, it's only about 30 minutes until pain relievers take effect" were her words. Finally she examined my lower abdomen and with wide eyes said that my uterus was all the way up to my belly button. She asked if I'd felt any movement and I told her no. By this time what I later learned were contractions were getting stonger, to the point I was moaning in pain. She would give me no medication until after an ultrasound.

    We waited for another hour until it was finally time for the US. I was in enough pain by then that I don't remember hearing anything that the lady said. I just remember that every time she touched my stomach the contractions seemed to get worse and I was screaming in pain. My husband told me that I was 20 weeks a long and that there was no amniotic fluid around the baby.

    The ER doctor examined my cervix and I remember him telling the nurse to "get her up to labor and delivery NOW." On the way up my husband held my hand and told me they were going to do a D&C. I didn't even know what that was and honestly I didn't care at the moment. I was in the worst pain I've ever felt in my life, or could even imagine possible.

    The ER nurse came with me to L&D and held my hand the entire way. She said a prayer for my and my husband before she left. An RN finally came in after what seemed like forever. She told us that the doctors shift was over and they were waiting on the next doctor to get there. She said she'd start the paper work. I was screaming at everyone, her, my husband, everything. I was screaming so loud with each contraction that I didn't have a voice the next day. She finally gave me some Demerol, which didn't help the pain at all.

    We were left alone again. The doctor didn't get there in time. I felt the baby coming out. I screamed to my husband to go get someone. After just 2 pushes my little angel was born sleeping at 9:30 am.

    The nurse then told us all of our options. She said the baby didn't weigh enough for the hospital to provide a service, but they would do a burial. She gave us the option to see the baby. At that time, me and my husband hadn't even had time to process that we were pregnant, let alone what to do now. She left us alone to decide.

    I wanted to know the sex of the baby. I don't think DH did, but he agreed. She told us we had a little boy. DH broke down for the first time hearing that. Even though we decided we didn't want kids (he already has a 21 year old girl) he's always been sad that his last name will end with him. We cried together. Our little boy was 10 inches long.

    The next part of our decision is what I will regret for the rest of my life. We decided not to see him. We didn't see him, I didn't hold him, we didn't name him at the time. I just left him. The hospital did take pictures of him, and sent us home with a box full of stuff. Neither of us have had the heart to look at it yet.

    It's especially hard because I have no one to talk to about it. Since we didn't know, none of our friends or family knew I was pregnant either. So we didn't feel right telling them that we lost our little boy. My husband is being very good at letting me talk when I want to, and not pushing it when I don't. But he has thrown himself into his work since it happened. When he's not at his office, he works in his office at home. I just feel alone. I'm back to work today (tomorrow will be the 1 week marker), and am finding it even harder than sitting at home with nothing to do but think about things.

    I feel like everything is my fault. I should've known my body better. I should have known I was pregnant and got the prenatal care I needed for him to survive. :cry: The doctor told us that since I've bled all throughout the pregnancy that the placenta probably never attached right, and that this was just "one of those things." Hubby keeps telling me everything happens for a reason, and that just makes it worse.

    I've relived that day over and over a million times a day since it happened. I don't know how to move on from this. Now I'm getting a lot of milk and it just seems so cruel. I miss my little one that I never even knew existed. :cry::cry::cry:
     
  2. Imalia

    Imalia Missing my angel baby

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    I'm so sorry you have had to experience this. The loss you feel is still very real, whether you had known you were pregnant or not. In fact the shock of learning you were pregnant and experiencing a loss at the same time must have been very traumatic and overwhelming. You are a very strong woman to have already come through that.

    Be gentle with yourself and take time to heal and grieve.
     
  3. blav

    blav 2 angels and TTC

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    I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. I hope that you find support here and a shoulder to lean on at this difficult time (which I'm sure you will). I understand so many of your thoughts and feelings as we just lost our son about a week before you at 22 and a half weeks.

    Whatever you do, you CANNOT blame yourself for this. Your baby knows that you would have done anything for him, if it would have saved his life and you know you would have too. I know you are probably thinking about every "what if" situation, but you can't beat yourself up with those thoughts.

    This only happened a week ago, you've barely had time to process what happened at all and all of your thoughts and feelings are normal. Something that helped us, was sleeping with our baby's blanket. Also, telling my story helped as well. Is there any way you can get additional time off work? I don't go back until Dec 1, which will be a little over 4 weeks after this happened. Everyone heals and grieves at a different pace, you need to take whatever amount of time you need.

    You will never forget your baby (I remember telling my OH at the hospital that I was afraid we'd forget about him) and he will never be replaced. You will probably think about him every day, and it's okay if you, but it's okay if you don't.

    Our love and hugs go out to you, your family, and your angel son :hugs:
     
  4. mhazzab

    mhazzab Well-Known Member

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    Oh I am so very sorry. It must have all been such a shock to you, to find out you were pregnant and then to lose the baby all at once.
    I remember how frightening labour was, the twins were my first children ( I gave birth at 23 weeks), and we hadnt had the classes yet so we were totally clueless as to what was happening, it was awful.

    I'm glad you found us here, we will do whatever we can to support you. I was given a tiny pill before leaving the hospital, which stopped my milk, thank goodness, but I know a lot of people weren't given it. Perhaps you could request this?

    Again I am so sorry for your loss, please don't ever blame yourself. We are always here for you xxx
     
  5. amotherslove

    amotherslove MamaToLilyLucyAndLila<3

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    i am so sorry.. how awful to meet and lose your child in the same day.. i am so grateful for the weeks i had with lily and i can't imagine being robbed of them.. <3 please be gentle with yourself and take your time healing. you will need it.
     
  6. DueSeptember

    DueSeptember Mommy 2 My Angel Maya <3

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  7. dnlfinker

    dnlfinker Well-Known Member

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    I am really sorry for your loss of a little one. One week is really tough time, you are probably in a lot of shock about what happened. As the time passes you will ask yourself a lot of what if questions but just know that its not your fault and that you did the best that you could considering the situation. We unfortunately welcome you here with our hands wide open. You cant imagine how everybody here is like a "family", and will try to help you cope with your loss in the best possible way because we all have been through this :(

    Please take care of yourself this time

    I am Natalie by the way
     
  8. Nikki_d72

    Nikki_d72 Mum to 2 + twin angels

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    Oh I'm so so sorry for your loss. You must be in absolute shock still. I can imagine it is even more of a lonely time than usual as you and your friends and family didn't know what was happening so may not acknowledge your loss. I hope you can get a bit more time off work and i hope in time you feel able to talk about it, even if just with us. The milk thing was a shock to me too and I've had another child, but still didn't think this would happen with such an early birth. as others have said you can get a pill if you request it, otherwise it will go by itself after 2-3 weeks but it can be quite painful and you have to not squeeze it off or you will keep producing more. I found it really hard emotionally and it came in the day of our boys' cremation. I'm glad you got pictures, so you can look when you are ready. Don't regret things on the delivery - none of us knew how to deal with thjis on the day I don't think, and you didn't even know you were pregnant, hon.

    Please, please do not beat yourself up about your lack of prenatal care - the fact that you were bleeding every month suggests there was possibly something amiss and with what appeared to be periods how would you have known? I know that's easier said than done, but look - even all of us who tested early and knew from an early stage we were pregnant and did everything we were supposed to still lost our babies, often for no reason, sometimes these things happen and there is nothing that can be done to prevent it - nobody or nothing is to blame, it's just really awful luck and a twist of nature. I would also add that pretty much all of us have found something to blame ourselves for, regardless of logic. Please be gentle on yourself.

    Men often deal (or don't deal, more to the point) with this differently from us, it's important to keep talking if you can, try not to let it drive a wedge between you, he sounds like a good support though. My DH isn't much of a talker about feelings either, but we do talk about it, I do talk a lot more to the ladies here though - they have been my lifeline and I hope we can all help you through this as much as possible too.

    I'm sorry again for your loss, I hate it when someone new joins us. One week is no time at all, I hope you have some gentle days ahead and don't hesitate to ask anything at all you want to know - or just rant - we will be here for you, nothing's too wierd or mad, OK.


    xxx
     
  9. Jewels84

    Jewels84 Member

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    Thank you all for your kind words.

    I'm feeling a little better today, but yesterday was rough. Every little thing made me cry. I asked my husband if he would give me the baby's blanket out of the box last night. I wasn't ready to look at the pictures, but I just wanted to sleep with the blanket. (He hid the box from me). That started a huge argument that got me so upset that I hardly remember what was said. He finally gave it to me and I just sat in the floor holding it and cried most of the night. He said "See, I told you it was a bad idea" and went and slept on the couch. He doesn't understand that I just need to cry sometimes.

    The blanket was so soft and smelled so sweet.

    I woke up this morning still mad at him. Now I've realized that being upset and taking it out on him isn't going to make anything better so I've let it go. Neither one of us know how to handle this but I know we need to stick together through it or it will only get worse.

    I can't take off work any longer because I'm self employed and if I'm not there I don't make any money. I have cut back on my hours, and my customers are very loyal and understanding. Keeping busy helps.

    I'm so glad I found you all. It's nice to have people to talk to.
     
  10. Andypanda6570

    Andypanda6570 3 Boys and an Angel Ava

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    I am so deeply sorry for your loss:cry::cry::cry::cry: It is so new and fresh for you and you are going to go through so many emotions. Anger regret extreme sadness and emptiness. They all do pass as time goes but the emptiness and longing for your baby will always be there, this is something you never get over ever. But I promise time will make you stronger and make you understand things better, your angel is always with you, believe me when I say that cause it is true. I love my Ava at 20 weeks, I gave birth on my toilet bowl and was rushed to the hospital where I held her and she knew how much I loved her. We buried her on 3/11/2011. It has been over 8 months and I have good days and bad but the good are more now. You need time and patience and most of all someone who understands you, have you thought about counseling? It really does help, believe me. I am here for you always , we all are, just message me anytime.
    All My Love , Andrea :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
     
  11. babylou

    babylou Well-Known Member

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    So sorry for your loss, sending you lots of hugs at this difficult time xxx

    :hugs::hugs::hugs:
     
  12. Nikki_d72

    Nikki_d72 Mum to 2 + twin angels

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    We ended up fighting a bit after the first couple of weeks, as our ways of dealing with it changed, please try to let it go and it will probably bring you closer and stronger than before. He may be trying to protect you and it will be so hard for him to see you in such pain he'll try to avoid triggers but you need to just explain to him that crying is part of the healing for you. I think this happened to quite a few of us at the early stages, if I remember rightly. Much love to you both xxx
     
  13. collie_crazy

    collie_crazy 1 Angel, 1 rainbow growin

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    I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy :hugs: Please dont beat yourself up for it... It really is not your fault. And as for choosing not to see him at the time, you will find that a lot of people choose not to. Its just so hard and there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. I did see my daughter after she was born but only for a few minutes and then I broke down and asked for her to be taken away - I feel guilt for this. I'm sure we all have regrets. But you do have your photographs and I am sure when you feel stronger you will be glad you have something to look back on. Did you decide to name your son afterwards? Maybe that would help you :hugs: Are the hospital going to do any tests on him? It might help to have a reason? But sadly many people never know why their littles ones were taken so soon :sad1:

    I got the 'everything happens for a reason' speech from a lot of people have losing my daughter - but do you know what I have come to realise? Sometimes things happen for no reason. There is no reason on this earth that I can think of as to why my daughter deserved to die, to why my partner and I deserved to go through this heartache, this pain, this devastation. So :hugs: to you.

    I also found that my OH dealt with things a lot differently than I did. I just wanted the world to stop - my world was shattered so why couldnt everything just stop? I didnt want to do anything I felt there was no point. But he was different - he found it easier to keep going and keep busy and try not to think about it. I visit the cemetery around 3 times a week, he has been 3 times in 3 months. But that doesnt mean he doesnt care, that he isnt grieving -- men just deal with it differntly and it took me a while to understand that :hugs:

    Please dont ever feel alone. Honestly this group of women have been a life line to me. I dont know where I would be without them and I know that sounds cliche and cheesy but it is the truth. No one really knows the pain we go through - as mothers losing our children like this, and yes all our stories are different - but they all have the same outcome - our little ones became angels too soon. So we all know a little of how you are feeling and if you ever want to talk you will always find someone here that will listen whether you need to talk, cry, rant or rave :hugs:
     
  14. kiki04

    kiki04 A girl can dream....

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    Perfectly said :thumbup:

    Im so sorry for your loss but this group of ladies will ALWAYS be here for you :hugs:
     
  15. jojo23

    jojo23 mum to 1 angel baby

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    oh hun im so so sorry you went through this!!! i cant imagine how scary it all must have been for you! i know you didnt get to name him but maybe in a few months you could do somethin where he is buried and name him there yourselvs. its a long road to feel someway ok again, i wont say normal because i dont think what any of us go through is normal! but it does get a little easier..... the ladies here are wonderful and you can literally tell us all anything we'll always understand. if you feel you need more time from work be sure to take it! you should have a quiet word with your boss, nobody will be thinking you should have known how could you when you were getting a period every month hun so please dont blame yourself, you didnt leave that little angel down it was a tragic accident you could never have anticipated!

    if you ever need anything we are always here for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  16. Vickieh1981

    Vickieh1981 Missing my precious girly

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    I;m so sorry for your loss. It's so unfair to have to go through this. It must be such a shock to not even know you are pretty and then go through a late miscarriage with no time inbetween.

    Please try to not beat yourself up so much, there are so many emotions involved in a loss and guilt is one of the hardest to get through so although I say that to you I know it's not that easy. We analyse everything that we did during the pregnancy.

    He knows you love him and wouldn't have done anything to hurt him and when you are ready you will look back on his pictures xxxxx
     

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