Any step-moms out there expecting?

[Sachis2112]

I just had a bit of a row with DH about my parenting method with my stepson. He's 11 and I have a really hard time about how far behind I think he is developmentally. He's a very obedient child who takes no risks which I find to be a little bit of a problem. It means he also refuses to think for himself to figure things out. We have to do all the thinking for him. He's not with us full time so I decided some time ago that there was very little I could to change some of his behavior.

Specifically, it makes me crazy that he is wasteful. I made a comment to DH that when the boy gets tired of hearing me tell him the same thing over and over, he will change his behavior. DH got quite upset and told me that nagging is not a valid parenting style. But since getting upset and telling him he HAS to do something isn't valid in hubby's book either, I'm having a hard time finding a happy medium. I believe that the little things are an indicator of how he will act when it comes to the big things. DH wants me to let the little things go and focus on the big things. If you don't show them how to handle the little things they will have no idea how to handle big issues.

Although I can see and even agree that nagging is not the best parenting style, I'm so friggin emotional right now from my hormones going nuts, I can't calm down the feelings just yet. Gah!

He's upset that I'm less engaged with my stepson than I used to be but I'm less engaged so that I don't get angry over every little thing. This goes back to way before I got pregnant. This is not a new argument. Of course, now that we are pregnant, this is turning into a big argument.

I get pretty upset when someone tells me I don't know what I'm doing with kids just because I'm not yet a parent.

I guess I'm just looking for some sympathy. I can see when I'm wrong about certain things (after I throw a bit of a tantrum and then calm down) but its so difficult to be fully engaged with a child when I'm given little say in their upbringing. No one asks me what I think about his school grades or where I think he should go for summer camp. Part of loving a child is showing them some discipline. But every bit of discipline I give is seen as too hard or nagging because mom doesn't ask those things of him. So now I'm picking on him and it turns into hubby and kid against me.

I don't even know what I want anymore.

 

[pinkbump2011]

It's so hard when you have a step child/children who only come to stay at weekends.

My oh has a 5 year old daughter who stays every weekend yet she plays up constantly (I know this is mainly down to jealousy of her younger sister) now in my opinion they have the same rules I wouldn't let one get away with something an not the other. However my oh thinks its constant nagging/moaning. The problem is he would let them do what they want we're as I have boundaries. It's becoming more an more difficult each week.

I know the hormones are also making it worse!! X

 

[trit]

I have a 13 yr old stepson and an 18 yr old step daughter... the only thing I can really do is support my husband in whatever he and his ex wife feel are best for them, but he knows when our baby arrives next year there will be some changes. I know its difficult and the detachment for the sake of peace keeping is entirely understandable especially because of hormones. Have you tried telling dh about why you are detached and upset? My dh knows that I just have to walk away sometimes and he doesn't question why. Keep your chin up momma

 

[Impatientwait]

I have two step daughters 5 and 7 who live with us full time..there mother isn't allowed to see them at the moment..but they are so bad sometimes it drives me crazy..my dh says that I nag a lot but I'm constantly saying the same things all day everyday amd with me beimg full time step mom..he works a lot...its hard that they don't listen to me..he does get mad at me sometimes..but to prove my point for one day I didn't say nothing. .he got so sick of all the back talk and screaming and doing the stuff I constantly say over and over he tore their butts up and said they will statt listening. .with my hormones raging its got harder...I don't whip them though..that's him..but if they are bad I let him know and he punishes them .I'm really hopeing it gets better when they grow up a little more or I'm gonna be bald! Lol so I totally understand where your coming from! We will only know their feelings about their children when we finally have our own!

 

[Mumtodogs]

I have a 10yr old step-son who lives with us full time, we get no input (of any form) from bio-mum, but she does see him ever couple of months for a week. Initially mine and hubby's parenting styles were different (before we moved in with each other) and it did cause problems. Although he never said I couldn't have free range parenting, I certainly felt it. Due to that i distanced myself from SS, which alao didn't go down well with hubby! After lots of arguments, he came round to the idea that I can't be expected to be a Mum in some ways (financially (hubby was out of work) homework, etc etc) but not have a say in parenting.

Luckily we both have similar parenting styles. I moved in with them when SS was 5, and at first I really had to crack the whip. Oh, I never shout though, I go quiet and scary! Lol! After a while SS is a pleasure to be around. He does as he's told first time or there are ALWAYS consequences. He has daily chores around the house, like feeding the chickens, and we expect a certain standard from him at school, or again there will be consequences.

He really is a good lad. I am still not as close to him as I will be to this little bean, but that is a self preservation thing, as no matter how shite his bio-mum is, he thinks the sun shines out of her backside and that's difficult to deal with sometimes.

I defo think you need to speak to hubby. Tell him the standards you expect from his children (and yours too!!!) and ask how he suggests you get there. Maybe he has different standards, in which case you'll have to pick your battles but compromise! This needs talking about before bubba arrives, as you might have same situation there. I know it's a bit late now, but that's why I waited years to move in with hubby (he asked me 3 times before I did) but I wouldn't until we were singing from the same hymn sheet.

Stick in there, and be honest and open with hubby! Good luck!!

 

[Sachis2112]

Thanks, everyone. Every point of view is helpful.