Any thoughts on the "it will happen when you stop trying" philosophy?

[skookie]

I have heard that phrase more often this cycle than any other. Even yesterday at the dentist, I mentioned to the dentist and the assistant that we were TTC and they both said almost simultaneously "You will get pregnant once you stop trying."

Can anyone enlighten me as to how "stopping trying" would look from a practical standpoint. I mean obviously you can't stop trying the technical aspect of it. And my cycles are regular, everything happens on pretty much the same day each cycle, and I can't forget that I'm fertile or not fertile at certain points in my cycle. What does stopping trying mean? No OPK's or temping? No lying down on my back for a while afterwards because I wouldn't normally do that after sex? No babyandbump forum?

And honestly.. what is it that makes people think not trying will help the pregnancy occur? Is it the anxiety of trying that people think prevents a pregnancy somehow? because women are always anxious, not just about TTC. or is it just peoples' way of joking about how things in life are "ironic?" like "isn't it funny how right when you stop trying you get pregnant?" people say the same thing about finding a husband but I never really bought into it (although I never really obsessed over that the way I have been at times with TTC). I just keep hearing it so much and wanted to see what other peoples' thoughts were.

thanks

 

[Solus]

I think that is an excellent question, one that I hope someone here would be good at giving an answer to.

I have a cousin, among other friends in the same boat, but this cousin tried for six months unsuccessfully. She said the month she "quit trying" she got pregnant. I am with you, I want to know what it means. Honestly, I hate hearing it. It drives me nuts! But at this point, I don't know what else to do. Trying had gotten me nowhere. But like you, I just can't stop thinking altogether about it. I dunno... Again, great question! I want to hear what others have to say. I have read in many places that women who use methods to track ovulation get pregnant quicker, and to me that is the opposite of not trying so I am utterly confused.

 

[just4lafs]

I've been wondering the same thing (on cycle 8 of TTC, now)... I hear it again and again - and like you, I wonder how to "quit trying!"

 

[skookie]

haha.. thanks girls. glad i'm not the only one perplexed by this...

i kind of liken this to the thought that bees can smell fear. which makes me more afraid, which makes the bees smell me even more, etc. etc...

it's like, worrying that i'm too anxious causes more anxiety, and trying not to pressure myself is pressure in itself!

 

[Ariannda]

This phrase annoys me. My mother (im adopted) had a ruptured appendix as a child and she was told she'd probably never conceive. She did take BC early in their marriage just in case, because they weren't ready for a baby, another 10 years later she turned up pregnant after they'd adopted me and were in the process of another adoption. But they never "gave up". I dont think they ever tried either but they didn't get pregnant when they "stopped trying"

I have 4 kids, i never intended on getting pregnant, i just never prevented it and we were ok with it. now when im "trying" i have been "trying" not to become obsessed, i am trying to realize that my cycle may be off a day or 2 so im not pregnant just because AF is a day late. I still look at my fertility app because i want to know "around" the time im ovulating because i dont want to miss it, but lately ive decided im making myself neurotic about it and i need to try to to relax. Luckily i can't keep my hands off my husband (which is new for me TBH) so i dont think we have to worry about missing the O date

 

[skookie]

interesting story! and good points.. it's interesting because i think TTC has taken a slight toll on our intimacy otherwise.. don't get me wrong, we are still normal/active, and love to connect in that way.. but the pressure of doing it "enough times," in "exactly the right way," during the "fertile period" actually has the potential to put a damper on things throughout the rest of the month.

 

[Ariannda]

I think thats the problem, when TTC becomes a chore, it's not longer fun, it's a job. I dont temp and i dont chart and i dont check CM because i think it would make me more neurotic. I do have DH check my cervical position around the time i should be ovulating. I was married for 10 years previously and i felt "used" and i did not enjoy sex with him at all. I adore my husband, he truly makes me feel loved and wanted and desired and i cant keep my hands off him, which means we BD ALL the time. We actually need to cut back to daily during the luteal phase and then EOD when not TTC lol

Thats the best i can suggest, dont "quit trying" just remember it's not a chore, and sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable !

 

[skookie]

that's excellent advice! & i'm so glad you found what you described in your marriage!

 

[Ariannda]

Me too We've known each other since HS as well. He was my fat, nerdy, shy and quite guy friend who became my BFF. Turns out he's the one

 

[skookie]

i love that!

 

[rainski]

I also get told the same thing! This is cycle 11 ttc for us, so I hear "stop trying" quite a bit. And although we tried, it's always in the back of my mind. You can't just forget about something you want so bad! Ive learned to just stop listening to what everyone says, and do what's best for us!
Another one I hate is "It'll happen when it's meant to".
As if I'm not meant to be a mother, but for some absurd reason, the ladies that DON'T want to have kids now get them. Pfft, TTC can be so hard sometimes.

 

[skookie]

yeah.. sometimes i think the biggest skill we can all learn during this whole TTC thing is the skill of tuning people out.

 

[lele316]

Both me and my mother were told this numerous times
My personal experience with it is this...My mother had 8 yrs unexplained infertility and when they were in the process of adopting came up pregnant and stayed that way for 4 yrs lol...with myself I suffered through 4 yrs of unexplained infertility before being blessed with my daughter. When anyone would tell me to just dont think about it, it will happen when you stop trying. I would always answer them "stop breathing when you can do that then maybe then I can kill this instinct I have. BUT after the 4 yrs we gave up on the IUI's charting temping and scheduled bding. A few months later he winded up getting a injury at work and was out of work for 2 weeks and had nothing to do but well me lol and all of a sudden poof bfp.
The only way I can explain what people mean by the phrase is like a pp stated once you stop being so focused on it and dont have it at the forefront of you mind 24/7 your body has a chance to relax and steady out. Yes it is hard in the beginning to get your mind off it but you get yourself busy with other things besides ttc to get your mind off of it...for me it was work I got entirely to busy with work and didnt even realize I missed af til my friend asked me when I was complaining at work about the way I was pooping. Also all because your not focused on it and charting and everything doesnt mean your not supposed to still think about it or anything...just means your world isnt revolving around it or consumed by it.

 

[RobertRedford]

I too have been told this. I get the theory behind it, but I cannot wrap my head around the whole "how to stop trying" part? I think it would always be in the back of my head!

 

[smiley23]

Well, I can tell you that is exactly how it happened to me. I just found out on the 2nd, and we were trying for like 6 or 7 months prior. We decided to stop trying in January, and look what happened. I always heard people saying when you stop trying, or you don't care anymore it happens, and I just thought people were trying to make me feel better, but it's true.

 

[skookie]

i don't get it, at all. i'm sure you knew when you were ovulating. and when you say you stopped caring.. i just have trouble thinking people could stop caring, or stop being aware of the fact that they are fertile, etc... i have a tendency to overthink everything, in case that's not obvious.

 

[smiley23]

i don't get it, at all. i'm sure you knew when you were ovulating. and when you say you stopped caring.. i just have trouble thinking people could stop caring, or stop being aware of the fact that they are fertile, etc... i have a tendency to overthink everything, in case that's not obvious.

Well I knew when I was ovulating the crazy thing is we didnt have sex at that time, because I had an infection. & the reason we stopped trying is cause we both decided that it wasnt the best time for us financially and things like that.. I over think everything too, unfortunately haha . So, actually it's even hard for me to believe that I stopped caring about it considering I was obsessing over it, but i truly didn't care to try anymore it was really strange actually.

 

[skookie]

well that's interesting and it does make sense.. i'm really happy for you! bet you're so excited!

 

[Cestamy83]

i don't get it, at all. i'm sure you knew when you were ovulating. and when you say you stopped caring.. i just have trouble thinking people could stop caring, or stop being aware of the fact that they are fertile, etc... i have a tendency to overthink everything, in case that's not obvious.

Truth.

I'm starting to think that I may be trying too hard. I'm stressing out and I hate it. I'm not using OPKS this month, not testing early on HPTs and spending extortionate amounts of money on over priced FRERs (as tempting as it is ) and not going to google EVERY SYMPTOM 1 DPO like a crazy lazy. That is my "not trying too hard".

 

[RobertRedford]

I think I am trying too hard too. When we just had sex when ever and had fun with it versus doing it as a chore, it just "happened"

So difficult. How can you stop thinking and "trying" for something you want so badly?!! AHHH!

Goodluck to everyone...who is trying, or not. Or trying to not try