anyone do 50/50 custody?

[babyv13]

DD stays with her dad mon-thurs and me from thurs-mon and we've had this arrangement since we split in November. it works out well for us - I work and go to uni so him spending so much time with DD means that I don't need to worry about childcare so much and FOB and I get on well most of the time.

I feel so guilty all the time though - part of me feels like I'm doing it wrong and that I should be spending more time with DD, but the majority of me thinks that it's the right thing to do because she loves her dad and he loves her and I would never want to deprive them of time with each other. I miss her so much the three nights a week that she is with him we are always in contact and he sends me photos and videos of her which helps but I feel like I'm just half a mum

she's a very happy wee girl who doesn't seem unsettled but I just can't shake the feeling that I am doing the wrong thing and that she's between two homes too much I'd love to hear from other people who have similar arrangements? am I the only one who has these guilty feelings?

 

[Beanonorder]

I know it's hard but I think what you are doing is great. When my dh and I separated he suddenly become incredibly unreliable. He had been a stay at home dad so he went from seeing her everyday, forth majority of the day to seeing her once a week for a few hours. This had a huge impact on her and I was left to deal with it, while pregnant!
If your dd is happy then your arrangement is just perfect. Your guilt is understandable but just keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best for her.

 

[Pearls18]

No experience but I just wanted to say I think this is a great arrangement, it's so nice she can get a good bond with both of you, it might not work so well at school age exactly like this but for now with her so young and no commitments of her own I think it's fantastic in these formative years she's able to be doted on by both her parents equally even though they're not together anymore. It may not be how you do it forever, but if it's working out well for now just leave it, I think it's great you both get the downtime as well, don't feel guilty just because you *think* you should be doing it another way, don't fix what isn't broken!

 

[PrMomma81]

I have had 50/50 custody for 13 yrs now with my boy's father. We did 2 days each and every other weekend in the beginning. But as the kids got a lil bigger they didn't understand the schedule and they always asked whose day was it. So we decided to go one week at a time and then they knew that every monday they switched and it was a bit easier on them. Now my Boys are 13 and 15 and we still did the one week each.

 

[PrMomma81]

Yes been doing it for 13 years. In the beginning we did 2 day with me 2 days with him and every other weekend . As they got older they didn't understand when they were coming and going so we went to one week with me and one with him. It was easier on everyone and less confusing for the kids. They used my address for school since I lived in a better school district and he would bring them in the mornings to catch the school bus. Holidays we go back and forth and Christmas eve we opened gift at my family's and Xmas mornings we did my gifts and when we finished they would go with dad for the rest of the day and visit his family. We can pretty much come to any agreement for the sake of the kids. We split their school supplies. And clothes or take one kid each to be fair. As Lon as they are happy I'm happy and them spending quality time with both of us is only fair. They shouldn't be punished for us not working out.

 

[babyv13]

I know it's hard but I think what you are doing is great. When my dh and I separated he suddenly become incredibly unreliable. He had been a stay at home dad so he went from seeing her everyday, forth majority of the day to seeing her once a week for a few hours. This had a huge impact on her and I was left to deal with it, while pregnant!
If your dd is happy then your arrangement is just perfect. Your guilt is understandable but just keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best for her.

oh wow, that sounds really tough does he still not see her much? what was the impact on her and how old was she, if you don't mind me asking? i hope things are better now

No experience but I just wanted to say I think this is a great arrangement, it's so nice she can get a good bond with both of you, it might not work so well at school age exactly like this but for now with her so young and no commitments of her own I think it's fantastic in these formative years she's able to be doted on by both her parents equally even though they're not together anymore. It may not be how you do it forever, but if it's working out well for now just leave it, I think it's great you both get the downtime as well, don't feel guilty just because you *think* you should be doing it another way, don't fix what isn't broken!

thank you, i really appreciate you saying that - i have this feeling that when i tell people they are judging me for spending so much time away from DD i'm really worried about what people think of me though and tend to overthink so i'm not sure if they actually ARE judging me that is probably part of the issue here. anyway, it's really nice to hear someone say that they think it is a great arrangement!

school age is a worry for me already tbh, my ex will kick up such a fuss if i try and change the arrangement to anything but the current arrangement but that's obviously not going to work when she's older i am thinking way too far ahead.

I have had 50/50 custody for 13 yrs now with my boy's father. We did 2 days each and every other weekend in the beginning. But as the kids got a lil bigger they didn't understand the schedule and they always asked whose day was it. So we decided to go one week at a time and then they knew that every monday they switched and it was a bit easier on them. Now my Boys are 13 and 15 and we still did the one week each.

Yes been doing it for 13 years. In the beginning we did 2 day with me 2 days with him and every other weekend . As they got older they didn't understand when they were coming and going so we went to one week with me and one with him. It was easier on everyone and less confusing for the kids. They used my address for school since I lived in a better school district and he would bring them in the mornings to catch the school bus. Holidays we go back and forth and Christmas eve we opened gift at my family's and Xmas mornings we did my gifts and when we finished they would go with dad for the rest of the day and visit his family. We can pretty much come to any agreement for the sake of the kids. We split their school supplies. And clothes or take one kid each to be fair. As Lon as they are happy I'm happy and them spending quality time with both of us is only fair. They shouldn't be punished for us not working out.

thanks for sharing! it's really great to hear someone with older children's experiences! are your boys happy with the arrangement? how old were they when you went from half the week to a full week? my DD went on holiday with FOB a few weeks ago for a week and it tore my heart out, i think she's a bit young to be away from me for that long but it's an option for the future!

 

[Pearls18]

People will judge you no matter what you do, you probably see her more than I see my children tbh because of the hours I'm working at the moment, and my husband is only seeing the boys on weekends at the moment as he's working away, so your situation isn't all that different in terms of quantity of time! Don't even think about school yet, you've got loads of time and hopefully things will be easier by then, you'll figure out a way of keeping a 50/50 arrangement that doesn't interfere with school but still enables you both to parent her 50/50. I just wouldn't even label it as 50/50, you both have equal rights to see her, it's so sexist to presume the mum should have the child all the time unfair on both parents, i think a lot of judgement would come from jealousy tbh.

 

[babyv13]

People will judge you no matter what you do, you probably see her more than I see my children tbh because of the hours I'm working at the moment, and my husband is only seeing the boys on weekends at the moment as he's working away, so your situation isn't all that different in terms of quantity of time! Don't even think about school yet, you've got loads of time and hopefully things will be easier by then, you'll figure out a way of keeping a 50/50 arrangement that doesn't interfere with school but still enables you both to parent her 50/50. I just wouldn't even label it as 50/50, you both have equal rights to see her, it's so sexist to presume the mum should have the child all the time unfair on both parents, i think a lot of judgement would come from jealousy tbh.

that's very true! and that's a good way of looking at it, thanks! i feel really bad because i think that i have it so easy, getting so much time to myself! but to be honest, i am at uni full time and i work as well so it's not like i'm lying around doing nothing in my child-free time - i am studying and working that makes me feel a bit better!

have you finished your masters yet?

 

[Beanonorder]

I know it's hard but I think what you are doing is great. When my dh and I separated he suddenly become incredibly unreliable. He had been a stay at home dad so he went from seeing her everyday, forth majority of the day to seeing her once a week for a few hours. This had a huge impact on her and I was left to deal with it, while pregnant!
If your dd is happy then your arrangement is just perfect. Your guilt is understandable but just keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best for her.

oh wow, that sounds really tough does he still not see her much? what was the impact on her and how old was she, if you don't mind me asking? i hope things are better now

She was almost 2 when he moved out. She became very insecure and was almost hysterical every time I left the house and when I got home she would stick to me like glue. She even got upset if I tried to go to the bathroom! Her sleep became disrupted and I couldn't get her to sleep in her own room. When I eventually did I had to sit with her and it took about 2 hours to get her to sleep.
He has moved back in to the spare room while he attempts to prove himself and I see if we have a future. I don't currently see one and unless he makes some major change I'm not going to start seeing one. Its hard because I don't want dd to get used to him being back only for me to say he should leave.

 

[PrMomma81]

I know it's hard but I think what you are doing is great. When my dh and I separated he suddenly become incredibly unreliable. He had been a stay at home dad so he went from seeing her everyday, forth majority of the day to seeing her once a week for a few hours. This had a huge impact on her and I was left to deal with it, while pregnant!
If your dd is happy then your arrangement is just perfect. Your guilt is understandable but just keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best for her.

oh wow, that sounds really tough does he still not see her much? what was the impact on her and how old was she, if you don't mind me asking? i hope things are better now

No experience but I just wanted to say I think this is a great arrangement, it's so nice she can get a good bond with both of you, it might not work so well at school age exactly like this but for now with her so young and no commitments of her own I think it's fantastic in these formative years she's able to be doted on by both her parents equally even though they're not together anymore. It may not be how you do it forever, but if it's working out well for now just leave it, I think it's great you both get the downtime as well, don't feel guilty just because you *think* you should be doing it another way, don't fix what isn't broken!

thank you, i really appreciate you saying that - i have this feeling that when i tell people they are judging me for spending so much time away from DD i'm really worried about what people think of me though and tend to overthink so i'm not sure if they actually ARE judging me that is probably part of the issue here. anyway, it's really nice to hear someone say that they think it is a great arrangement!

school age is a worry for me already tbh, my ex will kick up such a fuss if i try and change the arrangement to anything but the current arrangement but that's obviously not going to work when she's older i am thinking way too far ahead.

I have had 50/50 custody for 13 yrs now with my boy's father. We did 2 days each and every other weekend in the beginning. But as the kids got a lil bigger they didn't understand the schedule and they always asked whose day was it. So we decided to go one week at a time and then they knew that every monday they switched and it was a bit easier on them. Now my Boys are 13 and 15 and we still did the one week each.

Yes been doing it for 13 years. In the beginning we did 2 day with me 2 days with him and every other weekend . As they got older they didn't understand when they were coming and going so we went to one week with me and one with him. It was easier on everyone and less confusing for the kids. They used my address for school since I lived in a better school district and he would bring them in the mornings to catch the school bus. Holidays we go back and forth and Christmas eve we opened gift at my family's and Xmas mornings we did my gifts and when we finished they would go with dad for the rest of the day and visit his family. We can pretty much come to any agreement for the sake of the kids. We split their school supplies. And clothes or take one kid each to be fair. As Lon as they are happy I'm happy and them spending quality time with both of us is only fair. They shouldn't be punished for us not working out.

thanks for sharing! it's really great to hear someone with older children's experiences! are your boys happy with the arrangement? how old were they when you went from half the week to a full week? my DD went on holiday with FOB a few weeks ago for a week and it tore my heart out, i think she's a bit young to be away from me for that long but it's an option for the future!

We started 50/50 when the younger one was 9 months . It was hard in the beginning. I tried to make the time we had together special and do things when they were with me. I believe once he turned school aged and we noticed that the schedule affected the boys we sat down and between us decided to go week by week. My older son is special needs so he didn't seem to understand it all and he was ok either way. It took me awhile to get use to not having them. But I knew that their father was great with them and I had nothing to worry about 😊 even though we didn't work I could never say he's a bad father. It took us 5 years to actually become civil and get along for the kids. Now we go to sporting events and sit together and I get along with his wife. She is awesome with my boys!!!

 

[PrMomma81]

I know it's hard but I think what you are doing is great. When my dh and I separated he suddenly become incredibly unreliable. He had been a stay at home dad so he went from seeing her everyday, forth majority of the day to seeing her once a week for a few hours. This had a huge impact on her and I was left to deal with it, while pregnant!
If your dd is happy then your arrangement is just perfect. Your guilt is understandable but just keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best for her.

oh wow, that sounds really tough does he still not see her much? what was the impact on her and how old was she, if you don't mind me asking? i hope things are better now

No experience but I just wanted to say I think this is a great arrangement, it's so nice she can get a good bond with both of you, it might not work so well at school age exactly like this but for now with her so young and no commitments of her own I think it's fantastic in these formative years she's able to be doted on by both her parents equally even though they're not together anymore. It may not be how you do it forever, but if it's working out well for now just leave it, I think it's great you both get the downtime as well, don't feel guilty just because you *think* you should be doing it another way, don't fix what isn't broken!

thank you, i really appreciate you saying that - i have this feeling that when i tell people they are judging me for spending so much time away from DD i'm really worried about what people think of me though and tend to overthink so i'm not sure if they actually ARE judging me that is probably part of the issue here. anyway, it's really nice to hear someone say that they think it is a great arrangement!

school age is a worry for me already tbh, my ex will kick up such a fuss if i try and change the arrangement to anything but the current arrangement but that's obviously not going to work when she's older i am thinking way too far ahead.

I have had 50/50 custody for 13 yrs now with my boy's father. We did 2 days each and every other weekend in the beginning. But as the kids got a lil bigger they didn't understand the schedule and they always asked whose day was it. So we decided to go one week at a time and then they knew that every monday they switched and it was a bit easier on them. Now my Boys are 13 and 15 and we still did the one week each.

Yes been doing it for 13 years. In the beginning we did 2 day with me 2 days with him and every other weekend . As they got older they didn't understand when they were coming and going so we went to one week with me and one with him. It was easier on everyone and less confusing for the kids. They used my address for school since I lived in a better school district and he would bring them in the mornings to catch the school bus. Holidays we go back and forth and Christmas eve we opened gift at my family's and Xmas mornings we did my gifts and when we finished they would go with dad for the rest of the day and visit his family. We can pretty much come to any agreement for the sake of the kids. We split their school supplies. And clothes or take one kid each to be fair. As Lon as they are happy I'm happy and them spending quality time with both of us is only fair. They shouldn't be punished for us not working out.

thanks for sharing! it's really great to hear someone with older children's experiences! are your boys happy with the arrangement? how old were they when you went from half the week to a full week? my DD went on holiday with FOB a few weeks ago for a week and it tore my heart out, i think she's a bit young to be away from me for that long but it's an option for the future!

The boys are trained lol they pack what ever they are taking to their dads the night before like cell phone and charger, video games portable DVD and movies etc. They go with their father after school, he is pretty good about being on time for bus and if he knows he wont be or his wife cant make it he will ask me to grab them till he's here. The boys miss me she they gone and I sense it in there hugs. They are happy kids my one is really into sport and invites both of us to every game if we can make it. Usually one of of tries even if its an off week. He gets straight A's and is also popular and has lots of friends and my older one does special needs sports as well and is easy go lucky. He's very carefree. So I believe that the crazy life they grew up in didn't affect them in any negative way. The one main thing we keep the house rules the same across the board and if they punished at my house and they go to his house its carried over. So we sat down and made common rules so they couldn't say they can do it at the other house. The boys know where we stand and love coming to both houses. It took trial and error to see how things would work and took alot of growing up on both sides. But once we figured out it was for our kids to be happy we made it work. Good luck hun ! I know its a long tough road. But in the end it will work. Spend the quality time and make memories. She will remember all those memories as she gets older and know that even though u couldn't be there the way you had hoped that you were there and made it count.