Anyone else dreading reactions from certain family members?

[Earthylove]

So DH and I will be ttc soon and we haven't told anyone yet. We plan to wait to announce to family after I'm 12 weeks along and since we live far from both our families, it should be pretty easy to keep things a secret until then. I know my mom and grandparents will be so happy when we tell them, but DH's mom will probably be really upset. She didn't like when we got married either and after we announced she asked why we were rushing things! Even though we had been together for nearly 5years already! She keeps telling us to wait to have children and talks about how she has wished she waited longer. She still sees us as children and I know she's not going to like the timing of our plans to get pregnant. I'm just dreading her treating me like a teen mom and assuming it was an accident because heaven forbid we should actually PLAN to make such a poor decision.

Anyone else have a family member like that? How do you plan to deal with it?

 

[ask86]

Well with my daughter we got a surprise and we got married when I was 13 weeks preggo and my mom was PISSED!!!! She is not a fan of my husband to say the least... But she adores my daughter beyond all words. We are currently planning number 2 and I KNOW she will not be happy about it... I am going to hear all about how we are not financially prepared and DD is not 100% potty trained and still has sleepless nights etc. But at the end of the day its my life... I love my mom so much but she and I are different... And I am doing what is right for my family at a time I feel is best.
Life happens... not to sound morbid but I see it in my profession daily, things happen and then people are filled with regrets, I don't want to have regrets about this...
Sounds like you have done some planning and are happy with your choice - Good luck

 

[ccoastgal]

TBH for me I would tell them to take a hike. It is up to you and your DH to decide when you are ready to have a baby not anyone else. Has your husband even told his mom that she needs to mind her own business? One thing I may suggest is tell them ahead of time that you guys are going to try because you do not want her attitude to change the amazing feeling when you get your BFP. That way she has had time to come to terms with the fact that you guys are going to have a baby before you even announce you are pregnant. I know you want to keep it a secret which I completely get it might just help her be more excited when the news comes that she will be a grandmother. I wish you luck!

 

[Earthylove]

yeah, ask86, I feel the same way. At the end of the day, it's my life. She already had an opportunity to do things the way she wanted.

ccoastgal, thanks for the suggestion! you're probably right that if we told her of our plans, it will give her time to warm up to the idea so that she won't be so shocked and upset when she finds out we're expecting. I think the problem for me with doing that is her trying really hard to convince us otherwise. She's very religious and will pull the "god's timing is not our timing" card. And I don't want her to sew seeds of insecurity in DH who is already nervous about becoming a dad. He isn't as strong when it comes to his mother's wiles
unfortunate but true, none the less..

 

[ccoastgal]

yeah, ask86, I feel the same way. At the end of the day, it's my life. She already had an opportunity to do things the way she wanted.

ccoastgal, thanks for the suggestion! you're probably right that if we told her of our plans, it will give her time to warm up to the idea so that she won't be so shocked and upset when she finds out we're expecting. I think the problem for me with doing that is her trying really hard to convince us otherwise. She's very religious and will pull the "god's timing is not our timing" card. And I don't want her to sew seeds of insecurity in DH who is already nervous about becoming a dad. He isn't as strong when it comes to his mother's wiles
unfortunate but true, none the less..

Oh girl I understand the religious type! Both sides of my parents were very religious and thought I was the black sheep of the family because I lived with my DH before we got married.

But with the"God's timing is not our timing" you can always say well then we will know when it was his timing because I will be pregnant. If you don't want to tell them beforehand which I completely understand. You can still use that if they say that. Because ultimately in religious views it will happen when it is meant to be so when you become pregnant it was meant to be. I hope that made sense LOL I am still trying to fully wake up.

 

[cupcake.]

We're kind of nervous too! I think my side of the family will actually be really happy, I'll be 23 when we conceive and depending when we conceive may be 24 when we have the baby, which is how old my mom was when she had her first. My dad is 10 years older than my mom and he has a couple of health issues, so I think he'll be happy to enjoy a grandchild while he's still physically fit and stuff.

I too think that OHs mom will not be overly happy at first. She and OHs dad split when OH and his little brother were still young and she struggled at times being a single mom so I think because of that she's sceptic of having babies early in life.

We're not going to tell that we're going to try, we're planning on telling family once I'm 12 weeks pregnant if we can hold out that long. I strongly believe that it's our business. I always wanted to have kids early like my mom, she was done when she was 30 and now that we're all grown up she is still pretty young (turns 50 next year) so I really feel like the argument "you need to live your life first" is pretty much invalid.. So yeah, I'm a strong believer that even if the family isn't super excited at the news of pregnancy, everyone's gonna love the baby at the end and it's really only the parents to be's business

 

[EmmySocks]

I definitely feel the same about my mum. she wants me to have a career before children. She's tried to put Mr Socks off the idea which is the most irritating thing. I have this horrible feeling that we'll announce we're expecting and she'll just be disappointed... but i guess if we're expecting it then anything better is a bonus!

I think - same as you - my mum sees us as children even though we've lived out since we were 18, just bought a house and been married 3 years... but i doubt it will ever be enough to be viewed as an adult.

I've hinted well in advance that i want a family soon... i mention it fairly regularly just so she can get used to it, and hopefully she wont be horrifically shocked when we tell her.

I also hate the 'live your life first' because what if it is my life?! what if this is what i want from life?! I've been to uni, i've done the parties, i've got a job, i got married - i just want a baby - more than any of the other things.

Anyway - do what you and your OH want good luck xxx

 

[Earthylove]

Haha yeah ccostal, that does make sense. I just might use that one!

 

[Earthylove]

emmysocks, yes I hear the "do this and that before baby" quite a bit as well. Everyone's like "you should travel! see the world!" I'm like ehhhh.. lol. I've done some traveling already and would love to in the future, but I just don't have any interest right now. I'm starting to think that isn't really all that helpful anyways because things will always come up, there will always be more to do and more money to acquire. And its not like having children means our lives are ruined!

 

[kksy9b]

My mom was always saying to wait, not rush, plenty of time etc. We married young (both 20) and she didn't want us to feel pressured (like we were by most everyone else in our family) to have kids right away. She kept saying it was okay to wait....and when we announced wouldn't you know it she was THRILLED! So excited to be a grandma again and never said anything negative. Just throwing it out there that your family may surprise you and just be excited

 

[xstitcher87]

We also live pretty far away from my family, we have told my mum about our TTC plans, I need some detailed personal history from her as I need to tell my OBGYN. My mum had preeclampsia in at least 1 pregnancy, a multiple birth in another, random bleeding etc... Thankfully she's the one who has been asking about grandkids and is super excited, her theory is that there isn't a right time.

However, we are not telling my in laws anything about it. We aren't sure that they will disapprove, but they make comments about us having "plenty of time" (We will both be 28 by the time TTC) and "not having a house" etc. So we will tell them at 12 weeks, like everyone else.

 

[wishuwerehere]

I have a different problem...i don't really have much of a relationship with my grandma (although she likes to think we're really close...) and when i am pregnant i am literally just reduced to a vessel for her great grandchild. She won't talk about anything else, it's like i have to stand a chair and scream 'i am here!' To get her to look at my face instead of my belly. I know that may seem trivial but she's so obsessed woth the idea of us being best friends but it's like she's not particularly bothered about actual me at all...

 

[Symphony7]

I am very fortunate that I will be old enough (nearly 30) by the time we TTC so everyone is expecting it now. I finished my masters so everyone is just kind of waiting right now. My MIL will be so excited, I really can't wait to tell her. It will be their first grand baby (assuming of course that DH's sister doesn't beat me to next year. Haha!) I know my mom will be excited but I'm more anxious to tell my family, don't know why, it just seems strange for me to have a baby!

The one person I am not going to be thrilled to tell is my one friend. She and I used to be really close but lately I've just been disappointed in her and we've gone through some stuff that, for me, has kind of irreversibly changed our relationship. The other day we were having dinner and she thought I was going to give her big news...she said "you better not be preggers. I'd have to smack you!" I was just going to tell her the first tomatoes had started in my garden but I was really upset. She is one of the child free by choice types of people that gets really offended if anyone suggests she should have kids. You know the type that posts stuff on Facebook about people judging them for being childless and how their lives are so much better than their friends with children. So here she is being so hypocritical and trying to influence me and my decisions. I haven't even mentioned having kids to her...she's one of my horse friends and most of them don't want kids so I figured everyone thought I was in the same boat. If she is not supportive when I tell her it'll probably be the last straw for our relationship...I just don't want to deal with any negativity for something that I am so excited for and have wanted for so long.

 

[laura_019]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and have decided to start ttc #1. I have pcos though and am being referred to an obgyn. I've already told my sister that I've come off bcp and she is beyond ecstatic. My boyfriend's side of the family has been asking us for quite some time now when we'll have a baby so I know they'll be happy. My mom will be super happy too, but I dread telling my dad. I know he'll tell me that we should wait til I'm working in a "career" and buy a house. My dad is very old school unfortunately. Other than my sister, nobody knows and no one will until we finally comceive and make it safely to the second trimester.

 

[PnkPolkaDots]

I definitely feel the same about my mum. she wants me to have a career before children. She's tried to put Mr Socks off the idea which is the most irritating thing. I have this horrible feeling that we'll announce we're expecting and she'll just be disappointed... but i guess if we're expecting it then anything better is a bonus!

I think - same as you - my mum sees us as children even though we've lived out since we were 18, just bought a house and been married 3 years... but i doubt it will ever be enough to be viewed as an adult.

I've hinted well in advance that i want a family soon... i mention it fairly regularly just so she can get used to it, and hopefully she wont be horrifically shocked when we tell her.

I also hate the 'live your life first' because what if it is my life?! what if this is what i want from life?! I've been to uni, i've done the parties, i've got a job, i got married - i just want a baby - more than any of the other things.

Anyway - do what you and your OH want good luck xxx

Pretty much to everything you said Emmy!

My mom insists that she just wants me to be happy, but it's obvious she only means that if my happiness doesn't include having a baby. I mentioned once to her that when people at work announce pregnancies or talk about babies I play it off and say, "Oh we're not even thinking about that yet" because I don't want to be the one who wants it so bad that everyone feels sad for. She told me a better thing to say would be, "That will be wonderful - but when I'm ready." UGH! I already AM ready. And these are early 20s we're talking here... I'm 28. No, I'm going to act like a little teenager that everyone pats on the head saying, "Awe that's cute... you'll be a big grown up like us one day too sweetie!"

If the topic comes up my mom will insist that I'm nowhere near ready yet. Though she seems to feel just fine with anyone else years younger than me having a baby! I remember when I was in high school when she was going to school to be a dental assistant, and worked at Bed Bath & Beyond. She had a 19 year old coworker (I was 17 at the time) and she was talking about how she was trying to think of suggestions for her coworker to meet guys because "She is so ready to get married and have babies." She was 19, single, and working for minimum wage at Bed Bath & Beyond! Yet my mom TOTALLY supported her. Though now me, her daughter, at 28, engaged, living with her fiance' and we both work full time at quite a bit over minimum wage.... I'm nowhere near ready.

I've come to the conclusion that most parents just don't see their children as ready to grow up and have their own children, no matter how "right" the circumstances may be. I feel like I did everything by the book - go to college, get a job, get married (next summer!), have a house. I've had my share of parties and hangovers and late nights out. I enjoy alone time with OH and the freedom to do whatever, but we've had it for years and are just ready to share it. I don't care about travelling, or taking my career as high as I can. If other people value those things more than having kids, that's fine, I don't think any less of them, but that's their life and is just simply different from how I want to live mine.

I wish I could please everyone but I know it won't happen. I know that I'm grown up enough now that I need to make the choices that are right for me and my family, even if my own parents don't approve.

 

[Gagrlinpitt]

I can totally relate..
My mom and step dad (he's an obgyn) already know we will be TTC in March and they are so excited.

Both of my sisters have 3 kids and neither of them think we'll ever have kids because my patience is very thin with their children who sometimes are out of control.

Telling my dad will be interesting as he already didn't come to my wedding because my husband and I are different religions and my dad didn't approve.

My MIL is really wanting grandkids, so we will for sure film that reaction because this will be the first one of his side (my bil is very single and I don't see him having kids before us).

All of our friends for the most part already have kids so I'm sure they expect it...

 

[kksy9b]

I can totally relate..
My mom and step dad (he's an obgyn) already know we will be TTC in March and they are so excited.

Both of my sisters have 3 kids and neither of them think we'll ever have kids because my patience is very thin with their children who sometimes are out of control.

Telling my dad will be interesting as he already didn't come to my wedding because my husband and I are different religions and my dad didn't approve.

My MIL is really wanting grandkids, so we will for sure film that reaction because this will be the first one of his side (my bil is very single and I don't see him having kids before us).

All of our friends for the most part already have kids so I'm sure they expect it...

I can get frustrated with other kids too when they aren't behaving well (and are old enough to know better). But you find a nearly endless well of patience when it comes to your own kids

 

[Gagrlinpitt]

Lol.. I hope so. I have always heard it's different with your own.

 

[alliec]

It's absolutely none of her business when you and your partner decide to procreate. She may be disappointed at first (so ridiculous but I know it does happen) but will most likely be thrilled to pieces once the baby is born. If she does make negative comments while you are pregnant, a little distance can remind them that if they keep up their bad attitude, they may never get a chance to be part of their grandchild's life.

That being said, I am dreading the comments from some family members if #2 turns out to be another boy. Both my husband and I will be thrilled with either gender, and my mom will be as well, but my MIL thinks that no woman can be happy without a daughter and her mother also really favours her granddaughters over her grandsons. It definitely bothers me that my second child may not be as celebrated if it turns out to be a boy.

 

[Angel_blues]

I am looking forward to telling everyone EXCEPT my MIL... My dad asked my OH when he is going to 'knock me up' last week, my mother can't wait to get her hands on a full blood baby. My brother and his fiancee would love for us to be pregnant too. My SIL will be excited, my FIL won't care to be honest lol. My MIL... I can almost guarantee she'll ask if we're keeping it. She's such a pain in the rear. I'm telling my entire side of the family the moment (or two) we find out. Hid side will probably wait until the end of the second trimester.... They live far enough away (6 hrs drive) so they wouldn't know any better anyways!