Anyone else have mixed feelings about IVF?

[pbl_ge]

Hi Ladies,

My doc has encouraged me to consider trying IVF next cycle, which is much sooner than I thought we'd be presented with the possibility. I have extremely good insurance that would cover almost all the costs, but for some reason I feel really ambivalent about doing it. I'm wondering if there are others who are weighing the same decision--perhaps we could talk through the hesitation?

I see several objections:
1. It's really hard on the body. Some women tolerate it better than others, but even so it's a lot of chemicals that get pumped into you!

2. Religious or moral objections. I don't personally have a problem with IVF for this reason, but I know some women here do.

3. Self-doubt about bringing in the big guns when they're not necessary. I have this. We've only tried two medicated cycles (Femara = didn't respond, Gonal-F,= body went totally crazy and we couldn't even try), and I feel like I could probably get a BFP without IVF. It's just a question of how long it would take (and for me whether it would be ectopic again). I know IVF has a much higher chance of working than any of the other measures, so it's a possibly quicker exit off this roller coaster.

4. Money. I know this is the big one for most people. It's enormously expensive!

5. Romantic ideas about how babies being conceived. Honestly, this is probably where I'm stuck. It's a much less romantic story for a child to be conceived in a petri dish than for an amorous encounter between partners. I guess I have a preference for the latter, if possible, and I'm not 100% convinced it's not possible for us yet. I know for many people it's the only option, but for some of us there's a tipping point of accepting that IVF is how your child will be conceived, and I don't know where that tipping point is for me.

6. IVF can, and often does, FAIL. Somehow this seems like it would be about 1000x more heartbreaking than the regular bfns.

There are probably more, but that's what I've been thinking about. Is anyone else struggling with this?

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.

 

[pbl_ge]

***I should have noted that I don't have the teensiest amount of judgment towards anyone else doing IVF. The ambivalence I wrote about here was just about me feeling not ready to do it.

 

[CareBear]

I know how you feel, I have actively made the decision to not do ivf as I don't think we need it, it's too evasive and stressful and I don't agree with it morally. I also don't think my body could stand it, I responded a little too well to clomid at 100mgs and I used to feel the effects of clomid quite badly. I want to try other options first as I am sure I could get pregnant without such invasive treatments.

I hope that helps to have the view of someone who has decided to not do ivf and I've been ttcing for 6 years, but did have a break last year and am actively trying again now.

 

[pbl_ge]

It definitely helps! Thanks, Cary. I hope you get your bfp soon.

 

[291]

I am stuck on #6. The long wait, the process, then a bfp or miscarriage.
We get 2 rounds funded here. I want to consider extraction, freeze, then transfer.
But prefer not to have to go through with it at all.

 

[ariel01]

Plb - this is such a tough decision, and like you I'm surprised I'm being faced with it as well. Here's my two cents, if it helps at all. Ultimately though, it's an individual decision. We'll each have to decide what is best for us. I will say also that seeing your questions (and input from others) is helping me work through the same thoughts, fears, doubts, etc.

It is hard on the body. Although I haven't done IVF, I donated eggs twice 10 years ago. So I think of it as having done half the protocol. I had some side effects but it wasn't that bad. Yet, I was also ten years younger!

Self-doubt about bringing in the big guns when they're not necessary. I feel you here - my first Clomid/Bravelle cycle I over-responded as well (although it was cancelled due to the blocked tube). We're trying Femara this time, but even if it's a go, our chances at most would be 15-20%. The more I find out, the more I feel like we will need "the big guns" for this to ever become a reality for us.

Money. We would be paying 100% out of pocket for IVF. If I had the option to do IVF for little or no cost - I would jump on that chance!

Romantic ideas about how babies are conceived. For me, I know I love my husband and he loves me. And we would love any child we may have, whether they come naturally, through assistance, or even through adoption.

IVF failing. This is probably the toughest one for me. After all you put your body through, the financial costs, the stress, to see a BFN at the end would be heartbreaking. I feel like I'm not a woman now - having IVF fail in addition would just be another slap in the face. Yes, IVF has better chances than IUI (and our seemingly 0% chance on our own), but it's not a guarantee. DH and I have talked some on this, and assuming we can qualify for some sort of discount/refund program, the max we would do is 2 IVFs, 2FETs. And even the thought of that is scary and exhausting.

Yet, I would also feel like we tried everything we could, while we could (I feel our time is running out as we get older, especially as we'd love two children but know that one might not even be possible). I would be ok (over time) with not ever being pregnant but finding peace elsewhere - adoption, more dogs, something.

So not sure if this helps you at all - but thank you for posing these hard questions, and I hope that you and anyone else faced with these tough dilemmas find what is best for them.

 

[pbl_ge]

Thanks so much for your thorough reply, Ariel! You bring up a lot of great points. I think I could get over the "romantic ideas" one very quickly, but there's just no denying the "overkill" (#3) objection--thing is, I'm not sure that's a good enough reason to not do it. Of course, that's only in my case in which the cost differential is negligible. I've been musing on the fact that the they cycle I just did--Gonal-F with cycle monitoring--is not all that different than an IVF cycle. I really hate the cycle monitoring; dildo cams are not my friends, and nurses are not equally skilled at not hurting me with the probe. True, there are a couple of other steps that get added in....

So, if the costs are the same, and the physical experience is fairly similar, while the chances of success are probably doubled, why WOULDN'T I go for it?

 

[pbl_ge]

I also wanted to add that the time factor is a major consideration for me, too. I turn 36 next month, and like you want more than one kid. Doing IVF could potentially save us months.

 

[ariel01]

I'm with you - I hate those dildo cams! How many more cycles and cams do we really want to go through?

I think you've seen this site before that has some very detailed stats (https://sites.google.com/site/miscarriageresearch/iui-success-rates), but basically IVF chances are much higher than IUI. Another site summed it up to:

• 8% per month with clomid and IUI for up to 3 cycles
• 12% per month with injectable FSH and IUI for up to 3 cycles
• 55% after one cycle (month) of IVF treatment

With my DH being 43 now, both he and I are looking to make this happen as quickly (and painlessly) as we can. Tough decisions!

 

[CaliDreaming]

I can definitely understand why you'd be reluctant to go the IVF route. #6 would be a biggie for me, because , but since it's fully covered by your insurance, because a lot of people think of it as being the end of the road if it fails. But some of that for me would be tied to the cost, because we'd have to save up for several months to come up with the money. If money were no object, #6 wouldn't be as big of a concern for me.

However, from the outside looking in, the decision for you should be a no-brainer. It doesn't seem to be a pleasant process, but it sure beats getting bfn's month after month. I'd rather go through some discomfort for several days knowing that more likely than not I'll get pregnant than going through what I'm going through trying naturally every month. The mental anguish itself is just unbearable at times.

 

[Pinkie 33]

Hi, I totally understand your concerns. My thoughts below.

1. It's really hard on the body. There is no getting away from this. Its a rough ride. You will need to be emotionally prepared. I find the down regulation hard as I get bad headaches and the stimms are tiring when you get near the end. Its a long process (long protocol for me, 6 weeks from start to finish). You will need a strong state of mind and a supportive partner.

2. Religious or moral objections. Not a concern for me. I am Christian however I believe if God didn't want me to conceive by IVF he would never have given mankind the skills to do it. Just my opinion.

3. Self-doubt about bringing in the big guns when they're not necessary. Not a concern for me. With our sperm count we have no other option.

4. Money. We had our first cycle funded on the NHS. Everything else since is pay as you go. Each cycle is costing us approx. £5k (as we need ICSI). We are saving before each cycle so determined not to get into debt. But I realise this is the case for some. The financial concern is huge however it wont be the limiting factor for us. I will know when I have had enough.

5. Romantic ideas about how babies being conceived. This would be everyones dream in an ideal world. However it is not reality for us. We still try every month and we certainly haven't lost our passion. IVF is an emotional process and has brought us even closer together.

6. IVF can, and often does, FAIL. It certainly can. The rollercoaster is harsh and heartbreaking. But we are far from beaten. For me, the most important thing is my relationship. The baby would be the icing on the cake. But I don't want a baby at any cost, otherwise I would just go out and find someone to make one with. I want a family with my DF. If we cant have our own we will adopt as we have so much to give. I can and will give IVF every chance first.

To proceed or not is a decision you and your DH have to make together and be totally comfortable with. Most clinics hold patient information evenings and I found this very helpful. Get all the information about what the process involves for you and then make your decision.

Wishing you lots of luck, whatever you decide to do xx

 

[Imaan]

I considered all of your above points but after almost 10 years of trying, 4 miscarriages, and a failed IVF... I'd never give up the chance to have IVF again as for me it's one step towards trying to have a baby. Age isn't on my side anymore. If it fails, at least I know I've tried everything I possibly can.

 

[Briss]

just to share my thoughts, after TTC for 3 years naturally we are preparing for natural cycle IVF.

1. It's really hard on the body. totally agree particularly if it's conventional IVf with heavy meds, they turn your cycle upside down. in case you did not know every week somebody ends up in hospital (some in intensive care) because of IVF going wrong (in most cases due to overstimulation), there is also unfortunately not publicly available statistics on mortality rates due to IVF... I do not want to scare anyone but you really need to know the facts and risks before agreeing to this process. we decided (mainly because i have a family history of ovarian cancer) to start with natural cycle IVF or modified IVF which is when you either do not have any meds or very lower doses. obviously success rates are lower but so are the risks of overstimulation.

2. Religious or moral objections. Not a concern for me. but we know so little about IVF babies and whether there is any difference between them and naturally conceived human beings. that's another risk you will have to accept because in the next 100 years or so we wont know much more about it.

3. Self-doubt about bringing in the big guns when they're not necessary. It was a huge concern for me. When we were told that IVF was our only option with low sperm count, I refused to believe it and we tried everything to improve my DH's sperm for over 2 years. It did not improve but unfortunately in these two years my FSH increased a lot and we are no longer eligible for funded IVF via the NHS because they believe I no longer respond to stimulation. basically we missed out boat and now will have to fund it ourselves.

4. Money. is a concern so we are putting aside an IVF fund

5. Romantic ideas about how babies being conceived. it would be nice and that's what I always wanted because i like hearing the story of how I was conceived ... but unless we do IVF I am unlikely to have a child to tell this story anyway. At this point in our TTC process I am ready to sacrifice this dream in order to have a child.

6. IVF can, and often does, FAIL. that's true. we were given 10-16% success rate so I am preparing myself that it may take several attempts

 

[pbl_ge]

Briss, thanks for bringing up those risks--I guess those would fall under the category of "hard on the body," but it IS a greater risk than just discomfort. And I'm so sorry that your FSH jumped up like that. You must have been devastated to find that out. I hope that you can join that 10-16% soon.

It does seem like the evidence is pretty strong that there aren't long-term effects of IVF, *except* that you have to compare the right population. Women who conceived through IVF aren't really comparable to the general population, as we tend to be older, and more likely to have underlying problems that would affect the health of a pregnancy. There are links to problems for multiples born through IVF:
https://www.webmd.com/infertility-a...20030702/ivf-icsi-babies-as-healthy-as-others
https://healthland.time.com/2013/07/05/how-healthy-are-ivf-babies/
But, as you say, there's still a lot to learn about these children, especially as IVF has become so much more routine in the last decade or two.

Imaan, I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I hope that your rainbow baby is coming soon.

Pinkie, it seems you, too, have had an incredibly tough journey. It's wonderful that you've been able to do IVF without going into debt. I cannot believe how much US doctors charge for it. I think you also make really good points about the importance of a strong relationship. So far, this has definitely strengthened the relationship I have with my OH, but I could see how this would tear couples apart.

Cali, thank you for your thoughts, too. While my insurance does cover it, I have a lifetime cap of IVF benefits, and at present I have no idea how many cycles it would cover. I need to talk to my clinic about their fees. It's possible it would only cover two or three cycles in my lifetime, possibly including FET, so I would want to absolutely maximize the chances of it working for each cycle. Even with my coverage, I would imagine the bfn would feel soul-crushing. Good luck as you get ready to try again!

Ariel, thanks for that link. I didn't quite see where you were getting some of those numbers--like that 55% success rate for IVF after one cycle? I think it's much less than that, and even less for us because we're old biddies. Because I am a COMPLETE nerd, I went through the CDC statistics on IVF (https://www.cdc.gov/art/), for 2008-2011 for my clinic, the next-closest clinic, and the national rates. For women ages 35-37 the national live birth rate for 2008-2010 was only 31.5%. My clinic is a fair bit behind at 23.6% (I will be inquiring about this before I do IVF there--am hoping they'll tell me something has changed since 2011).

That's not very high. So even if I do decide to try IVF, I will be put in the position of deciding whether to drive an hour for better chances. Fortunately, my insurance company considers both of them the same, so there's no difference in costs.

So much to think about with all this. I can't tell you ladies how much I appreciate hearing your stories and your thoughts!

 

[Serenyx]

Ariel, thanks for that link. I didn't quite see where you were getting some of those numbers--like that 55% success rate for IVF after one cycle? I think it's much less than that, and even less for us because we're old biddies.

pbl_ge - the statistics really depend on the centre and on the person having the treatment - the centre I am planning on using claimed to have a 54.8% success rate for all patients that had an elective single blastocyst transfer in 2012.

In answer to your other questions - yes I share some of your concerns about IVF but at the end of the day my wanting to have a baby to hold in my arms overrides any other concerns that I have

 

[mmdrago]

My husband and I have been trying for nearly 4 years now... When we first started I would have been very hesitant to go the IVF route. But now it's gotten to the point where all of our sexual interactions feel like a chore, charting days and planning when to BD. We will be doing IUI shortly but at this point I would have no reservations about trying IVF aside from the expense.

I'm getting closer to the magical age of 35 and we don't know how many children we want and I don't want my age to determine that for us. It's not about the path anymore, it's about the end result. A healthy, beautiful baby to cherish and love without reservation.

 

[cupcakesarah]

I thought I'd put my viewpoint across of #5. I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant with my little IVF miracle baby boy. I know the concept of conceiving a baby in this way is not very romantic. But I found the whole process of IVF brought my husband and I closer together. He came with me to every appointment and each night he'd do my injections and support me when I was upset. The time was very special because he really did support me and the love that is between us felt strengthened by going through this challenge. Love making might only last a night, but I felt the same kind of love from my husband for a month during my cycle. I do feel that we really shared the experience and that helps with #6 making it successful. I'd previously tried IUI twice and to me I don't think I felt that same level of connection or as relaxed. For any of you who do approach an IVF cycle I can't recommend enough having a partner who is there every step of the way.

 

[aimze]

I thought about this last jan....

Since then we had iui which was a miscarriage, 2 failed iui & 1 ivf which was a miscarriage...

Were now on our adoption journey...im thankful we did try an when we get our precious child I'm sure ivf will seem worth it...

Should we just have started adoption last year? Maybe, but the losses have proved to me what an amazing & supportive husband he is x

 

[sugarpi24]

Hubby and I were just told this last month that IVF is our next step. Our main concern is the money aspect. The doctor told me since we have already done the injections before...its like doing that again...so its not to hard on the body. We are hoping to conceive on our own while trying to save up for IVF..but who knows. We are trying to get rid of the debt we have now...and then possibly apply for a loan for IVF. ours isnt covered with insurance...but the plans we have are 3 IVF& 3 FETS...for $25,000 and its 100% refundable if we dont bring home a baby. so thats a good thing.

IVF is definitely a scary thing to do! Not only that but its a HUGE decision! So take your time sort through your thoughts and talk to your doctor about it and decide between yourselves if this is what you guys want. Good luck hun!

 

[pbl_ge]

This thread has been really amazing. It's so wonderful to hear all the diverse perspectives and the success stories! And I'm sold: We're going to start our first round of IVF sometime in September, whenever this crazy cycle ends.

Thanks so much to everyone for sharing their story!

Sugarpi, you've been through so much! I really hope IVF does the trick for you. I'm sure you're aware of it, but just in case: the Attain program can help a lot of women afford IVF with some peace of mind.

Aimze, I'm sorry your TTC road is over, and I hope the adoption process goes smoothly for you. I'm glad your marriage was strengthened by all that you went through.

Cupcake, congratulations to you! Good luck on this adventure!

Mmdrago, I hear you--LTTTC is no longer very romantic when it comes to DTD. I'm also 36 next month and would really like more than one, so I'm hopeful IVF will make things happen faster. I hope that IUI works for you so that you don't have to do IVF.

Serenyx, I agree it's all about the end, not the means!