Anyone experience birth envy?

[sevenofnine]

I had planned a natural birth, I wanted to try with no meds or anything. I wanted to walk around, use my birthing ball, use water therapy, music, aromatherapy, etc.

At four days overdue, I had an appointment and it was discovered that my blood pressure was suddenly high, and so I was sent to the hospital immediately to be induced. (It did develop into pre-eclampsia.) I had to be put on a magnesium drip, so that automatically meant I was hooked up to:

* a catheter
* magnesium drip
* antibiotics (strep b positive)
* pitocin
* blood pressure monitor

Needless to say, my "natural" birth was already out the window. All I could do is lie there. I needed nurses to help me move from side to side, etc. They had the pitocin turned up as far as it could go because my body was resisting it. I labored until I was 5cm, and then I finally caved and got an epidural. The only pain relief that helped (and was available to me other than an epidural) any was my husband pushing down on my hips and back during contractions (which never ended... there was never any stopping). He pushed so hard, that afterwards, I had bruising on my hips. (But it felt good at the time.) He was so tired after pushing so hard continuously that by the time I got the epidural, he could hardly move his arms!

After that, everything really went quite well despite how it was absolutely not how I wanted anything. I was pretty happy with how it went despite all that... until...

A friend of mine posted her pictures of her new baby. She had a 100% complication free natural birth. No meds, nothing. She went into labor on her own and had the baby one day before the due date.

Suddenly I am depressed and unhappy that I didn't get to experience that. I am mad at myself for caving and getting the epidural. I am sad that I didn't get to go into labor on my own.

And most of all, I'm sad that if I ever decided to have another baby, the chances of it happening again (pre-eclampsia), so I'm told, are even higher.

Has anyone ever felt this way? I was happy until I saw the pictures, and now I can't help but be depressed. I feel somewhat like a failure. I am quite "crunchy" as some might say, so a natural birth had been quite important to me. This girl isn't really the "natural" type, so it makes it even more frustrating.

I don't think it helps that my daughter is 6 months old today, and seeing pictures of little newborns is making me sad.

I'm not having a good day.

 

[wemustntpanic]

I had planned a natural birth, I wanted to try with no meds or anything. I wanted to walk around, use my birthing ball, use water therapy, music, aromatherapy, etc.

At four days overdue, I had an appointment and it was discovered that my blood pressure was suddenly high, and so I was sent to the hospital immediately to be induced. (It did develop into pre-eclampsia.) I had to be put on a magnesium drip, so that automatically meant I was hooked up to:

* a catheter
* magnesium drip
* antibiotics (strep b positive)
* pitocin
* blood pressure monitor

Needless to say, my "natural" birth was already out the window. All I could do is lie there. I needed nurses to help me move from side to side, etc. They had the pitocin turned up as far as it could go because my body was resisting it. I labored until I was 5cm, and then I finally caved and got an epidural.

The only pain relief that helped any was my husband pushing down on my hips and back during contractions (which never ended... there was never any stopping). He pushed so hard, that afterwards, I had bruising on my hips. (But it felt good at the time.)

After that, everything really went quite well despite how it was absolutely not how I wanted anything. I was pretty happy with how it went despite all that... until...

A friend of mine posted her pictures of her new baby. She had a 100% complication free natural birth. No meds, nothing. She went into labor on her own and had the baby one day before the due date.

Suddenly I am depressed and unhappy that I didn't get to experience that. I am mad at myself for caving and getting the epidural. I am sad that I didn't get to go into labor on my own.

And most of all, I'm sad that if I ever decided to have another baby, the chances of it happening again, so I'm told, are even higher.

Has anyone ever felt this way? I was happy until I saw the pictures, and now I can't help but be depressed. I feel somewhat like a failure. I am quite "crunchy" as some might say, so a natural birth had been quite important to me.

I don't think it helps that my daughter is 6 months old today, and seeing pictures of little newborns is making me sad.

I'm not having a good day.

yes I think I know where you're coming from. My labour didn't progress and I was contracting for 5 days. Was 2 weeks over due before they decided to induce but I still took and extra 24 hrs to get what the midwife said was 10cm and told me to start pushing. Pushed for 2hr and nothing was happening, finally a consultant checked me and I was actually only 8cm. Baby was in so much distress at this point I had to have an emergency c section.

4 months on I found out one of my friends is pregnant and I am so happy for her and would never wish my bad experience on her but it still made me cry remembering my bad experience. It's like a grieving process I think. X

 

[Mrs Bee]

I didn't have a plan as I figured these things never go to plan(not that I could ever imagine how it would turn out)... I went to 41 weeks, my waters went on their own but contractions weren't progressing enough so I was on the antibiotics and pitocin... That was turned all the way up and I still wasn't progressing and my daughters heart rate was in distress... They didnt have a paediatrician on call so they gave me drugs to stop the contractions and sent me by ambulance to another hospital... I was in so much pain and I hadn't slept for 2 days so I had an epidural about 22 hrs in, I begged for it... It was the best thing I did...it let me rest and then they restarted pitocin... They were monitoring my daughters heart rate closely and let me go another 6 hours, I only got to 7cm and the said she was in a bad position so I had an emergency c section.... The whole team were amazing.... Th calmed me right down and it was the happiest day of our lives....it was far from the birth experience I'd imagined.... But it's mine... I wouldn't have it any other way... My daughter arrived safe and sound and I'm amazed at what my body endured... Be proud of yourself and your birth experience

 

[oliviarose]

I don't understand how you feel about labour. As to me a pain free labour is all I wanted. I had an epidural with my first.... but with my second two they wouldn't give me one. Ds1 came too fast and with ds2 they weren't quick enough with getting it to me before I was too far gone.... all I would of loved wad for it to be pain free.... too me labour was agony and anything to take away the pain was welcome. I had gas and air and pethidine with my second two. And neither helped much.

Anyway getting to the point. I'm this way when I find our people have given birth or are pregnant. Our family is complete now. But I get that envy when I see pregnant women or hear they are pregnant. I am mourning never having a baby inside of me. Feeling those little kicks.... and never going through labour again. Never having that moment of meeting this amazing person for the first time.... and I don't think it will ever go away.....

So I totally understand how got feel, just for different reasons....

 

[tigerlilly]

Once I developed GD my whole pregnancy was out of my hands and the whole experience was horrific, which left me traumatised and with PND. I wouldn't say I had birth envy as such but I did feel totally robbed of 'my' experience from how it should have been to how it was. It also robbed me of bonding with my baby if the first weeks which took me months to create that bond I needed to grieve for the experience that I had and to grieve for the one that I wanted to happen and this still causes me distress now and only time will heal. I'm not ready to re visit these memories just yet.

 

[sevenofnine]

I don't understand how you feel about labour. As to me a pain free labour is all I wanted. I had an epidural with my first.... but with my second two they wouldn't give me one. Ds1 came too fast and with ds2 they weren't quick enough with getting it to me before I was too far gone.... all I would of loved wad for it to be pain free.... too me labour was agony and anything to take away the pain was welcome. I had gas and air and pethidine with my second two. And neither helped much.

Anyway getting to the point. I'm this way when I find our people have given birth or are pregnant. Our family is complete now. But I get that envy when I see pregnant women or hear they are pregnant. I am mourning never having a baby inside of me. Feeling those little kicks.... and never going through labour again. Never having that moment of meeting this amazing person for the first time.... and I don't think it will ever go away.....

So I totally understand how got feel, just for different reasons....

I totally know what you mean. Everyone has a different view of how they want their labor and birth to go. I made a flexible plan, but I'm still disappointed.

 

[HanaK]

I honestly am baffled why women beat themselves up so much about giving birth. I 'get' that if things don't go to plan then it's disappointing, but that's all. You gave birth. One way of giving birth is no better than another. Having a section does not make you any more or less of a woman. Having an epidural does not mean you're weaker than someone who did it on just has and air, or hell, just air! I'm a huge believer in people having very different pain thresholds; some women simply couldn't manage a completely natural birth - they labour for hours and hours and hours, dilating like half a centimetre, whilst some women are 10cm before they've really even registered the pain.

So what?! If you have a healthy baby and a healthy body, does it really matter? Your child is a reflection of you as a woman, not the amount of pain you went through!

 

[soph901]

Hey hun yes I totally feel your pain I had planned a natural birth granted I went in to labour naturally 2 days before my due date I managed to get to 7cm on purely gas n air but then I couldnt take no more so I caved and asked for morphine thats when it all went wrong 4 hours later I hadnt progressed at all so I had to wait another 4 hours then they would figure it out luckily my waters broke not long after n i managed to get fully dilated and started to pushing after 2 hours of pushing it was found out that my waters hadnt totally gone there was still some round his head n he was stuck so then everything went really fast they put me on piotocin and because my pain meds had wore off I had to have a epidural but after an hour my contractions werent coming very much at all so after 24 hours of labour they said I had to have a c-section cos there was no way I could push him out alone I was heartbroken but i was so tired I just wanted it over and have my baby in my arms dont get me wrong I was glad that it was over but I wish I'd had a natural birth hopefully when the next lo comes along I can manage a natural birth and I defo will not be using morphine ever again if I can help it, 7 weeks later my friend gave birth naturally but then again its her 3rd natural labour but still mega jealous x

 

[sevenofnine]

Once I developed GD my whole pregnancy was out of my hands and the whole experience was horrific, which left me traumatised and with PND. I wouldn't say I had birth envy as such but I did feel totally robbed of 'my' experience from how it should have been to how it was. It also robbed me of bonding with my baby if the first weeks which took me months to create that bond I needed to grieve for the experience that I had and to grieve for the one that I wanted to happen and this still causes me distress now and only time will heal. I'm not ready to re visit these memories just yet.

I guess I just shoved everything down and tried not to think about it, but seeing these new babies made it all come back. I didn't realize how disappointed I was!

I'm sad that it's all so out of our control.

 

[sevenofnine]

I honestly am baffled why women beat themselves up so much about giving birth. I 'get' that if things don't go to plan then it's disappointing, but that's all. You gave birth. One way of giving birth is no better than another. Having a section does not make you any more or less of a woman. Having an epidural does not mean you're weaker than someone who did it on just has and air, or hell, just air! I'm a huge believer in people having very different pain thresholds; some women simply couldn't manage a completely natural birth - they labour for hours and hours and hours, dilating like half a centimetre, whilst some women are 10cm before they've really even registered the pain.

So what?! If you have a healthy baby and a healthy body, does it really matter? Your child is a reflection of you as a woman, not the amount of pain you went through!

I suppose for me the biggest reason is that I am extremely "crunchy" as some put it... so it was very important to me to start her off without courses of antibiotics or medications running through her system. I know many feel differently about those things, but that's how I felt, and so more than anything that's what made me sad. I didn't want that to be the start in life. (I also realize that some things were out of my control, like the strep b, but it still made me sad.)

The pain relief wasn't even the biggest issue. I just wanted so badly to go into labor on my own, not to be induced and strapped to a bed. Plus, I hate hospitals. I tried to plan a homebirth, but it's difficult in the US. (Although I am grateful that I didn't plan one, as I would have ended up in the hospital anyway!)

 

[sevenofnine]

Hey hun yes I totally feel your pain I had planned a natural birth granted I went in to labour naturally 2 days before my due date I managed to get to 7cm on purely gas n air but then I couldnt take no more so I caved and asked for morphine thats when it all went wrong 4 hours later I hadnt progressed at all so I had to wait another 4 hours then they would figure it out luckily my waters broke not long after n i managed to get fully dilated and started to pushing after 2 hours of pushing it was found out that my waters hadnt totally gone there was still some round his head n he was stuck so then everything went really fast they put me on piotocin and because my pain meds had wore off I had to have a epidural but after an hour my contractions werent coming very much at all so after 24 hours of labour they said I had to have a c-section cos there was no way I could push him out alone I was heartbroken but i was so tired I just wanted it over and have my baby in my arms dont get me wrong I was glad that it was over but I wish I'd had a natural birth hopefully when the next lo comes along I can manage a natural birth and I defo will not be using morphine ever again if I can help it, 7 weeks later my friend gave birth naturally but then again its her 3rd natural labour but still mega jealous x

 

[aliss]

I know how you felt at the time, my 1st was a similar birth. 2.5 years later, I had your stereotypical 'perfect' unmedicated birth complete with candles and midwives.

Having a baby in the end doesn't necessarily mean you shoud just be 'okay' with birth trauma. I will never accept that my first birth was okay. It wasn't. But you move forward.

IMO my advice is that it's okay to mourn that you didn't get the experience you wanted but for me, the best way to deal with it was to just be happy for those who did. I attended midwife protest (to help them get more funding), donated my old natural childbirth books and slings to the birthing centre, etc. The 2nd natural birth was def. a blessing (and an unexpected one as I really didn't want more kids after the 1st disaster).

Have you thought of being a doula in the future?

 

[nevernormal]

Like you, I wanted to go into labor on my own, and do everything as naturally as possible (within the confines of a hospital). I ended up being induced, and quoted a really high possibility of a c-section because he wouldn't engage. I was overdue too, and first time babies usually engage weeks before birth! Sweep didn't do a blessed thing, except make me lose a bit of plug. I did end up having natural vaginal birth but with an episiotomy, and they had me do the pushing on my back which I wish I would've fought against looking back.

My sister went into labor with her first 4 weeks later, on her own. Her baby had been engaged well, and I was jealous of that. She had a sweep at her 40 week appointment and it kickstarted it all. I knew she was planning to go epidural free as well. Well it turned out that she threw up in labor, got an epidural, pushed for nearly 3 hours, and had a vacuum birth with an episiotomy as well.

I think that really cemented it for me that labor is just different for everyone. I was so bummed about being induced as it was not what I wanted at all, but my sister's experience showed me that going into labor naturally doesn't mean that it's all going to go according to "plan" anyway.

Going into it I just kept telling myself that if I had a healthy baby and healthy mama at the end of it, it was worth it. Even now I sometimes wonder if I should've waited longer to be induced (agreed to it at 40+5, as I knew the chances of him engaging on his own at that point were slim), if my body could've done it own its own, etc. But then I just look at my little boy, and 11 weeks on he's happy and healthy. So it was worth it. I can think of all the "what ifs", but the fact is there are as many negative what ifs as positive ones. What if I'd waited, would I have gone into labor naturally and everything been fine? Or what if I'd waited, would there have been meconium in the water and the doctor pressured me for a c-section? Would his head circumference have grown just a bit more, just enough that he wouldn't have fit through my body? I can't know that.

You can't know if not getting an epidural would have been better for your baby. Maybe you could've kept going but then would've been too exhausted or too stressed for things to progress normally. Maybe not. You know what ramifications pre-e could've had if you hadn't have gone ahead with the induction. It's so easy to compare our experiences to other women but you have to remember that you were making the best decisions for YOUR situation, that YOU were going through.

Oh, and my sister's hard labor? The midwife told her that every baby & labor is different, and don't think that just because she had trouble this time that she would next time. You might have a higher chance of pre-e next time, but there's no guarantee. There's no guarantee you'll have to have any of that stuff if you want to have another. But if you do, it will be because you're making the best choices that you can. It may not be the "ideal", but it's the best you can do to end up with a healthy baby and mama, which is really the ultimate goal! Healthy & happy IS the ideal!

 

[sevenofnine]

I know how you felt at the time, my 1st was a similar birth. 2.5 years later, I had your stereotypical 'perfect' unmedicated birth complete with candles and midwives.

Having a baby in the end doesn't necessarily mean you shoud just be 'okay' with birth trauma. I will never accept that my first birth was okay. It wasn't. But you move forward.

IMO my advice is that it's okay to mourn that you didn't get the experience you wanted but for me, the best way to deal with it was to just be happy for those who did. I attended midwife protest (to help them get more funding), donated my old natural childbirth books and slings to the birthing centre, etc. The 2nd natural birth was def. a blessing (and an unexpected one as I really didn't want more kids after the 1st disaster).

Have you thought of being a doula in the future?

That is good advice. There's no point in dwelling on it, but I think I didn't realize I needed to mourn it a little. I am very happy for my friend. I truly wish everyone could have the birth they wanted.

I hope if I ever get pregnant again, that the pre-e will stay away and I can have my baby in a birthing center or even a homebirth.

I have thought about being a doula, but not very seriously. I think I would really enjoy that. I know I will want one for myself!

 

[sevenofnine]

Like you, I wanted to go into labor on my own, and do everything as naturally as possible (within the confines of a hospital). I ended up being induced, and quoted a really high possibility of a c-section because he wouldn't engage. I was overdue too, and first time babies usually engage weeks before birth! Sweep didn't do a blessed thing, except make me lose a bit of plug. I did end up having natural vaginal birth but with an episiotomy, and they had me do the pushing on my back which I wish I would've fought against looking back.

My sister went into labor with her first 4 weeks later, on her own. Her baby had been engaged well, and I was jealous of that. She had a sweep at her 40 week appointment and it kickstarted it all. I knew she was planning to go epidural free as well. Well it turned out that she threw up in labor, got an epidural, pushed for nearly 3 hours, and had a vacuum birth with an episiotomy as well.

I think that really cemented it for me that labor is just different for everyone. I was so bummed about being induced as it was not what I wanted at all, but my sister's experience showed me that going into labor naturally doesn't mean that it's all going to go according to "plan" anyway.

Going into it I just kept telling myself that if I had a healthy baby and healthy mama at the end of it, it was worth it. Even now I sometimes wonder if I should've waited longer to be induced (agreed to it at 40+5, as I knew the chances of him engaging on his own at that point were slim), if my body could've done it own its own, etc. But then I just look at my little boy, and 11 weeks on he's happy and healthy. So it was worth it. I can think of all the "what ifs", but the fact is there are as many negative what ifs as positive ones. What if I'd waited, would I have gone into labor naturally and everything been fine? Or what if I'd waited, would there have been meconium in the water and the doctor pressured me for a c-section? Would his head circumference have grown just a bit more, just enough that he wouldn't have fit through my body? I can't know that.

You can't know if not getting an epidural would have been better for your baby. Maybe you could've kept going but then would've been too exhausted or too stressed for things to progress normally. Maybe not. You know what ramifications pre-e could've had if you hadn't have gone ahead with the induction. It's so easy to compare our experiences to other women but you have to remember that you were making the best decisions for YOUR situation, that YOU were going through.

Oh, and my sister's hard labor? The midwife told her that every baby & labor is different, and don't think that just because she had trouble this time that she would next time. You might have a higher chance of pre-e next time, but there's no guarantee. There's no guarantee you'll have to have any of that stuff if you want to have another. But if you do, it will be because you're making the best choices that you can. It may not be the "ideal", but it's the best you can do to end up with a healthy baby and mama, which is really the ultimate goal! Healthy & happy IS the ideal!

 

[aliss]

I know how you felt at the time, my 1st was a similar birth. 2.5 years later, I had your stereotypical 'perfect' unmedicated birth complete with candles and midwives.

Having a baby in the end doesn't necessarily mean you shoud just be 'okay' with birth trauma. I will never accept that my first birth was okay. It wasn't. But you move forward.

IMO my advice is that it's okay to mourn that you didn't get the experience you wanted but for me, the best way to deal with it was to just be happy for those who did. I attended midwife protest (to help them get more funding), donated my old natural childbirth books and slings to the birthing centre, etc. The 2nd natural birth was def. a blessing (and an unexpected one as I really didn't want more kids after the 1st disaster).

Have you thought of being a doula in the future?

That is good advice. There's no point in dwelling on it, but I think I didn't realize I needed to mourn it a little. I am very happy for my friend. I truly wish everyone could have the birth they wanted.

I hope if I ever get pregnant again, that the pre-e will stay away and I can have my baby in a birthing center or even a homebirth.

I have thought about being a doula, but not very seriously. I think I would really enjoy that. I know I will want one for myself!

I think being a doula or volunteering/working part-time in some sort of similar capacity can really help the healing process. Even if you did not get to realize that experience for yourself, you can help others. I find having a traumatic birth in the long run to be a helpful experience in my life because I it helps you develop an extra sense of compassion for others. If my 2nd birth was my only one, I would not have realized to the full extent the importance of encouraging women who want to labour and birth naturally.

 

[HanaK]

I honestly am baffled why women beat themselves up so much about giving birth. I 'get' that if things don't go to plan then it's disappointing, but that's all. You gave birth. One way of giving birth is no better than another. Having a section does not make you any more or less of a woman. Having an epidural does not mean you're weaker than someone who did it on just has and air, or hell, just air! I'm a huge believer in people having very different pain thresholds; some women simply couldn't manage a completely natural birth - they labour for hours and hours and hours, dilating like half a centimetre, whilst some women are 10cm before they've really even registered the pain.

So what?! If you have a healthy baby and a healthy body, does it really matter? Your child is a reflection of you as a woman, not the amount of pain you went through!

I suppose for me the biggest reason is that I am extremely "crunchy" as some put it... so it was very important to me to start her off without courses of antibiotics or medications running through her system. I know many feel differently about those things, but that's how I felt, and so more than anything that's what made me sad. I didn't want that to be the start in life. (I also realize that some things were out of my control, like the strep b, but it still made me sad.)

The pain relief wasn't even the biggest issue. I just wanted so badly to go into labor on my own, not to be induced and strapped to a bed. Plus, I hate hospitals. I tried to plan a homebirth, but it's difficult in the US. (Although I am grateful that I didn't plan one, as I would have ended up in the hospital anyway!)

I can understand this. Inductions can be awful from what I've heard and being strapped to a bed when you'd rather be up and about must be disappointing. I suppose you always want what you haven't got/had though. I reckon in the grand scheme of parenthood though, you really won't care 10 years down the line what the birth was like; it's just that in the now, things seem so much more important iykwim?

 

[nevernormal]

HanaK, I don't think she'll ever not care about it. Yes, in perspective, it might not be something she should obsess about (or me over my own birth), but a lot of us have moments in time where we wish we would've done something different, said something different, etc. even now. I'd been meaning to call my aunt for weeks just to talk when she died suddenly. I'll never not care that I procrastinated, but I can't change it, and have to live with it. With my birth, I'll never not care the I was induced, but in the end we're both healthy, and I have to live with it. I'm not going to obsess over it or let it define my parenting, but we all have regrets. Labor/birth can be one of them!

 

[disneydarling]

I feel like I could have written those words you said myself.

I spent 9 months so excited to experience pushing my baby out, and ended up with an emergency c-section. I keep thinking that I am over it until I get reminded by somebody talking about their natural birth, and it devastates me.

Sadly, I know so many people who wanted c-sections because they think it is the easy option, yet I was so desperate for a natural birth and I couldn't have it. I completely 100% understand that my c-section was best for mine and my baby's health, but it doesn't make those feelings of missing out go away.

I feel really upset and ashamed about this, but I can't bring myself to say that I 'gave birth' because in my eyes, I failed. I can say I experienced labour, and I 'had a baby' but I just don't feel like I gave birth. When I hear women talking about giving birth, I don't feel like I fit in with them.

It makes me sad because my daughter is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me, I love her so much and she makes me the happiest woman in the world, but I don't associate my labour and c-section experience with bringing her into the world. I feel like I had to be in pain and have an operation, and in an unrelated way, I also got a wonderful amazing baby on the same day.

Nobody understands my feelings at all, I've tried explaining it to my husband but he just doesn't get it. Just because I am happy and love my daughter, people don't think I should be sad about the way she was born.

 

[aliss]

Disneydarling you are certainly not the first girl here to feel that you didn't 'give birth' (I know Patch has said this a few times herself) because of a C-section I think your feeling is a lot more common than you think, although women are scared to say it.

My traumatic birth was 3, going on 4 years ago now, and I've come to terms with it being the past but it will always matter to me. It felt like assault and you can forgive and move on, but you don't forget.