Anyone experience birth envy?

[Sparrow85]

I can understand this, but just look what you got from your birth!

If it's any consolation, I knew I would be a wimp and had prepared myself that I would take everything that was going. My labour was only about 4.5 hours and as a result, I only had gas and air. I was screaming for the epidural and panic set in when they told me that I couldn't have any pain relief. I also had an episiotomy without anaesthetic as LO was in distress and had to be born immediately and I felt every single bit of those forceps pulling him out. If that's a 'natural' birth, then no thanks. I'd take the epidural every time lol.

 

[sevenofnine]

I can understand this, but just look what you got from your birth!

If it's any consolation, I knew I would be a wimp and had prepared myself that I would take everything that was going. My labour was only about 4.5 hours and as a result, I only had gas and air. I was screaming for the epidural and panic set in when they told me that I couldn't have any pain relief. I also had an episiotomy without anaesthetic as LO was in distress and had to be born immediately and I felt every single bit of those forceps pulling him out. If that's a 'natural' birth, then no thanks. I'd take the epidural every time lol.

Ouch!!



^ You deserve a hug for that!

 

[bbkf]

My birth was what some would call traumatic but now I just think shes here im here I dont have have to do it agaun so why bother thinking about it? Thats just me tho

 

[detterose]

So sorry your birth didnt go to plan. I can understand it would be hard. Maybe next time

But I can somewhat relate to this feeling but I mourn my ability to breastfeed. Six months later and I still envy those who can breastfeed. It was my plan to BF as soon as I knew I was pregnant and unfortunately it didnt pan out for us. But my LO is healthy and thriving so at the end of the day thats what matters most right?

 

[Peggy O]

I didn't see/hold/touch my daughter for 18 hours after she was born by c section at 1 am a month early, after having spent spent 2 weeks in the hospital with pre eclampsia trying to make it to term. I was told this was happening at 6pm, an hour after OH had left to go back home (hour drive each way) for a stupid traffic ticket appearance in town court ($30 ticket! ugh) I was on anti seizure meds and after I had her....no one asked me anything about the care of my baby, she was in NICU for about 2 days and I was catheterized in a bed and had no idea what was happening most of the time. I did get wheeled down to see her after crying for hours and begging, when she was 18 hours old and they took me off the seizure med IV earlier than expected. I do get the envious feelings, I still cry when I think about someone else (bottle) feeding her for the 1st time ever (no idea who) and not being able to hold/breastfeed my 1st , might be only, baby when she was born.

BUT...LO is perfectly healthy now and I am not dead, and we are still happily breastfeeding. I try to remember how happy I would be with all this when I was struggling with infertility (LO took 2 years and change to make) and also to remember there are alot of ladies who would love to be me right now.

I ran into a nice old (OLD!) lady at the grocery store last week when I was shopping and holding LO. She told me she tried for years and could never have a baby. She said Lily had pretty eyes, I said I couldn't wait to see if they were hazel or blue (OH or mine) and then told me her husband's eye's had been hazel and her's were blue and she always wondered what color their LO would have had. She looked so sad and told me I was very lucky. I know I am

 

[nevernormal]

Peggy O, how true! I also LTTTC, and I think that throws a whole different perspective on it as well. I'd go through my non-ideal birth every time if it meant I didn't have to face infertility again. And I know many women would say the same.

 

[Peggy O]

Absolutely.

 

[Katy Bug]

I envy those who went into labor on their own. I was pressured into induction. Won't do it again. It still upsets me. I planned to go natural but had to have antibiotics bc I had step b, but my epidural wore off during pushing and I felt it all, which was terrifying but I'm glad I did it, the feeling right as I pushed him out was almost euphoric.

 

[DaisyAnne]

For us, just about nothing went according to "plan" haha! Although, I will say I wasn't someone who was looking for an all-natural, drug-free birth- I knew I wanted the epidural most likely (and I got one, so I'm glad *that* went according to plan!).

I was also induced for pre-eclampsia, and it was a week before my due date. Needless to say, we had a lot of reservations about being induced early. And then the first induction failed, so they gave me a few hours break and started a second induction. Anyhow, they started my induction process Monday evening and I didn't give birth until Wednesday evening...all the while pretty much strapped down to the bed.
In the end, though, I will say I am so glad we listened to them and let them induce us- pre-e is nothing to mess around with, and the only reason eclampsia is not as dangerous these days is because of the medical knowledge they have today in preventing it...so my experience REALLY makes me appreciate the medical care I got.

A few friends and I were talking together about our complicated labors, and we were discussing the fact that without modern medical care, perhaps not even one of us would have made it through the labor and delivery with both a safe mom and baby. For me, that really helped put into perspective the gratitude I feel for the delivery I had even though it wasn't ideal by any means!

 

[counting]

ETA: sorry for the novel!

Overall I am happy with my actual labor, it was very relaxed, no complications during the birth, quick, recovery was fast, I have a beautiful, perfect baby boy. But things did not go at ALL how I planned. I wanted to go into labor on my own and I wanted to have a completely natural birth. I wanted no medications to go into my baby, I wanted to use a birth ball, TENS and hot baths. I had it all planned out.

Then I found out at 35 weeks that I had group B strep so I would have to be on an IV the whole labor, which drastically reduces your ability to move and cope with contractions. Then right after I found out my blood pressure was through the roof, I had PIH developing into pre-E. Suddenly I was being hospitalized at 37 weeks and being told they had to take the baby ASAP because my life and my sons life were in danger. I ended up on complete bed rest not allowed to walk or do anything but sit in my depressing hospital room. I was given cervadil to prep me for the main induction- for four days I labored with contractions and back spasms from lying in bed until I was 3 cm dilated. I was exhausted, and very depressed. I was told I would likely need an epidural to keep my blood pressure down while I labored.

I finally had my water broken and the oxytocin drip started, as well as my antibiotic drip. I was stuck in a bed laboring with tubes, constant fetal and blood pressure monitoring. My labor nurse was great, she gave me monitors that allowed me to walk around a bit and labor on the ball, but it was hard with the tubes and the monitors kept loosing LO's heartbeat. I wanted a hot bath, and I got in and it helped, only to find out, I kid you not, the whole city went on boil order and I would not be allowed to labor in the bath anymore. It was at that moment I decided I wanted the epidural. I was so tired and frustrated. I knew I could make it through, but it felt like my entire lower body was being crushed. I had been contracting, each less than 2 minutes apart for the better part of a week. I didn't WANT to be in pain anymore. I just wanted my son. I think I was about 6 cm at that point.

I had a great epidural, my labor went fantastic. My blood pressure came right down after I got the epi, and I even took a nap. It actually sped things up. I pushed beautifully and my son was born after 6 pushes. It was many womens perfect labor.

I guess that is a long ramble, but what I am trying to say is I understand completely where you are coming from. Everything I wanted to avoid, I ended up having short of a c-section. I had a great labor, but I still feel a bit of a loss. I wonder what it feels like to reach your due date and the anticipation. I feel a loss at what it feels like to feel contractions starting at home and wondering if this is " it". I feel a loss at what it's like to have your water break, the shock and excitement of telling my husband it's time. I feel a loss at what it would be like to bring my son into this world, feeling that pain followed by the relief and the rush of love for my newborn son. I feel a loss at the chance to be proud that I followed millions of women since the beginning of time who have labored in pain to bring a life into this world. In the end, I keep telling myself I have a beautiful son and it doesn't matter one bit how he got here. I actually enjoyed my labor, I was able to relax and laugh. But a part of me mourns for the labor I wanted and I feel jealous of the women who have had it.

I think you should be proud that you coped and that you had a beautiful baby. That you kept your head when everything went south. I think it shows strength in a different way. But yeah, I've been there. Just wanted to say you are NOT alone.

 

[MommyJogger]

I could have written this. I had a very simple birth plan-- I figured too many details would just make it difficult to follow. I had no idea I was entering that hospital without a single knowledgeable person on my side. I was told repeatedly that interventions were necessary when I now know they weren't. Instead of being allowed to push my baby out myself, my ob grabbed his head once he crowned and physically pulled him out-- she had to plant her feet and brace herself to do it and I had no idea it was going on until it was all over because I was numb from the waist down with an epidural I asked for after more than 24 hours topped out on pitocin. I'm just thankful to this day that her rush and idiocy didn't permanently damage my child. It was assault and it will never be okay. We wanted immediate skin to skin and delayed cord clamping, but the ob said that if she gave the baby to me before cutting the cord "all the blood would rush back into the placenta", so DH told her to just cut it and give DS to him-- she gave him to the nurses instead. We're NTNP at this point, but it makes my physically ill to think about giving birth again. There's no way our insurance would cover a homebirth, though. I might just find a comfy spot in the hospital garden outside. Insurance would cover 'accidentally' giving birth outside the hospital.

 

[LadyLupton]

Thank you so much for talking about this, Sevenofnine, and all the girls who responded. I'm so grateful to you for articulating my feelings.

My experience is v similar to Seven's. I'm a crunchy granola too and was so invested in natural birth. What happened was me being overdue, an induction, three days of labour and then an emergency c-section. I was devastated, also and mainly because my husband wasn't allowed to be there. I feel like I failed to give my baby the best start and I feel like I failed to give my husband the experience of seeing our son being born.

I still have so much distrust of the Drs and so many what ifs, even stupid ones like "maybe if i had walked more at the end...". It occupies my mind more than I'll admit IRL.

And I do have birth envy which makes me feel like a terrible person, it really does. My yoga instructor practically danced her baby out and of course I'm happy but, like Seven says, for myself I'm depressed for the rest of the day. The people I talk to this about tell me i'm being silly. And on some level they are right, without the c-section neither of us have survived. I have a beautiful baby boy, the baby I longed for so ardently for years and years, what on earth do I have to complain about?

I guess I am grieving and there will be a time when I don't feel this way but I'm not there yet. I guess I'm partly struggling to accept the uncontrollability of everything pregnancy, baby and birth.I try an be happy for my friends who had the birth I wanted but it's hard work. someone said to me that maybe the universe gave me this birth (crunchy granola anyone?) to help me learn the things I am here to learn, acceptance and letting go. Maybe learned those things will live the disappointment some meaning.

Sorry for the unstructured ramble!

 

[rjm09]

I only know one person..personally, not on the forum, who had a Csection. I never thought I would be one to need it.

I had gone on my entire pregnancy, and even up to the day I went in the hospital thinking i'd just pop him out. I thought that my water just wouldn't break on it's own, and that after they broke it, he would finally come! He didn't. The cord was around his neck.

I feared an epidural because I had spinal bifida as an infant(that closed up naturally) So I had denied that from day 1. Now I needed that needle in my spine for the emcs!

My second mother was the only one who understood what I was going through. In the beginning I felt like I was less of a mother because I didn't pass him on my own. I went through labor! I had the painful contractions. I know I went through the same, if not more than most women when it comes to having a baby! I wish I could have just left the hospital 24 hrs later, and be back to myself and able to take care of my son. It took a week to get back to myself! It was the hardest week ever!

I went on to a planned C, because I wasn't allowed a natural birth in the hospital I use. I still don't think of myself any less! I still endured pain to have my daughter as well!

Don't let someone elses birth, get you down. You have your birthing story, and it's much more special and interesting! Something your child may appreciate someday!

 

[sevenofnine]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments. I felt so petty thinking the way I did, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone! (Although I truly would rather everyone be happy 100% with their experiences despite my jealousy!)

As others have said, I am so grateful that my baby and I are healthy. I wish I could get rid of these feelings of disappointment and just be happy.

And don't get me wrong, I am happy of course, but I think a small part of me well always be a little sad about my experience. Nothing major, but it will be with me when I recall the events.

With that being said, my daughter was more worth it then I could have ever imagined. I can take solace in that.

 

[Pielette]

It's not petty at all and feeling regret or disappointment over a birth is a very common thing.

I have had two very different births. My first was a water birth a home. I laboured peacefully and calmly for 7 hours while the two midwives sat by the side of my pool chatting. My son was born into the water and it was a wonderful, serene experience.

My second birth was a completely different story. I planned on another home birth but when I went into labour they suspected pre-eclampsia so I was transferred into hospital. Once there it turned out he was back to back and labour stalled. They broke my waters and put me on a pitocin drip. I was confined to the bed on my back and the contractions were horrendous, one on top of the other, no respite and so much more painful than natural ones. 12 hours in I broke down and begged for pain relief, they gave me diamorphine which took the edge of slightly.

He was born after 15 hours of labour and shoulder dystocia.

It was the complete opposite of what I wanted and I did feel let down and almost robbed. But you know what? I have come to feel pride over both births. Yes my first was amazing and the kind of 'crunchy' experience I wanted. But my second... I kind of view it as a badge of honour. I SURVIVED it. I endured a horrible labour and birth for my little boy, who is so worth it.

 

[DaisyAnne]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments. I felt so petty thinking the way I did, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone! (Although I truly would rather everyone be happy 100% with their experiences despite my jealousy!)

As others have said, I am so grateful that my baby and I are healthy. I wish I could get rid of these feelings of disappointment and just be happy.

And don't get me wrong, I am happy of course, but I think a small part of me well always be a little sad about my experience. Nothing major, but it will be with me when I recall the events.

With that being said, my daughter was more worth it then I could have ever imagined. I can take solace in that.

You know, I think it's important to appreciate and support all kinds of births, so I think it's great that you really have the respect and admiration for the all-natural, drug-free birth. While it was not my plan for birth, I still feel for women who want that kind of birth but constantly here from nay-sayers. I think we all need to support each other through this crazy, wonderful thing called motherhood, and one day you may have the privilege of watching your daughter have children and have your personal experiences like this to help navigate her through it.

I think it's important, not petty, to own how you feel as long as you don't let it impede your joy for others (and it doesn't seem like you let it do that). The thing I missed most about my labor was not having the experience of going into labor on my own (and I hated being induced)...but I just think how glad I am that it went the way it did, it could have been very different in a bad way, too! Then again, I had a wonderful doctor, so I think I may have felt differently if I didn't like my doctor like some women experienced!

 

[Balloo]

I really feel for you Hun, I never wanted a natural birth-I am a massive wimp and have the pain threshold of tissue! But I ended up being induced, emergency c section-of which I was unconscious for the majority of, and was unable to hold or feed LO for quite a few hours afterwards. This is not what I wanted! I was open to a c section but I wanted to have that skin to skin when she was born; it still gets me down now but I have a beautiful healthy baby girl (whose currently chomping down cheese on toast!). I get really jealous when I hear of people's labours that went to plan and didn't have any complications and for a long time I felt really guilty about being so ill and not being able to do it myself. And although I still occasionally get down about it I just think, you know what she has no idea what happened, she got here safe and sound and, in the end I had to do what was right for me. U did exactly that-you did what was right for you t the time and that is always what's right for baby hell you're a complete superstar for even planning the natural birth in eyes, the minute i found it i was pregnant I was looking at pain relief options!! Xx

 

[HopefulPony]

I had pretty much the same as you - sudden high BP, induction, pre-eclampsia, multiple drips + catheter, failed epidural, re-site causing spinal damage and had to have a blood patch after birth to repair my spine. I wanted a natural water birth. And to top it off I can't breastfeed.

 

[sevenofnine]

I had pretty much the same as you - sudden high BP, induction, pre-eclampsia, multiple drips + catheter, failed epidural, re-site causing spinal damage and had to have a blood patch after birth to repair my spine. I wanted a natural water birth. And to top it off I can't breastfeed.

 

[laila 44]

I also had a horrific birth with my daughter. Was induced because of pre e at 38 weeks. Endured 26 hrs of crazy back labor, epi never worked for some reason, started a fever because of uterine infection when baby is left without amniotic fluid for too long and when I finally reached 10cm she failed to descend got massively distressed and off I went to Emcs. I didn't even get to hold her after csection as I was stuck in recovery for 2 hrs while family and dh bonded with baby. The funny thing is that I never got down about the way my birth went because I had such an open mind going in. It didnt matter to me how my precious girl came into the world but rather I was so happy to know she was healthy and it was all over. When I hear of women having fast quick births problem free I think " good for them". No point in pitying myself because no matter how bad we think we had it, there's always worse. Some babies/ mothers don't make it and tragedies happen. So for me, I'm just greatful we were all healthy And well enough to start the next most important chaper in our lives.