Are these feelings normal?

[tweetee]

Hi everyone, I'm really struggling with leaving my LO with anyone except her Dad and my own Mum, did anyone else feel this way? She is our first child so I don't know if this is normal with a newborn or if I feel this way because she was premature. I'm starting to feel like an awful person as I know her grandparents are all desperate to look after her but I just don't want to leave her, even with her Dad or my Mum its never for longer than an hour. I just can't stand the thought of her crying and my not being there to comfort her - this is one of the main things that bothered me while she was in the neonatal unit, the thought of other people comforting her when it should be me. I feel so selfish.

Everyone keeps telling me to go out and arrange things while they look after her but I just don't want to and I feel a little bit under pressure.

It took me a long time to feel happy about anyone else even holding her. Will this go away?

 

[AP]

It depends hun, but generally you'll ease up. I found i didnt want a soul to have her. I'd shared her with nurses and i wasnt sharing with no-one.

I first left her with my best friend (and neonatal buddy) at 1 1/2. I will say that night was hard leaving her and i did begin to wish id done it sooner so she was used to it.

I wont leave her with grandparents, but thats simpily because they wont respect my parenting.

 

[bob2331]

Everyone is different, i have left Harry twice over night since he has been at home and both times that was with my mum, i dont even leave him with his dad.

She is your baby girl and you dont want to leave her / share her, i think thats normal xxx

 

[vermeil]

i think it`s normal... it took me a year before I even considered leaving our son with anyone. Of course it doesn`t help that our families live far away and most of our friends have no kids, but still

 

[tweetee]

Thank you all for your replies - they made me feel a little better. I think sometimes if I felt under a little less pressure it might be easier - I'm getting fed up of being told that I "have to leave her sometime" and it just makes me even more anxious about the whole thing. I feel like her grandparents (esp OH's mum) gets offended because she thinks I think she's not capable or something.... I just think they all think that even though she was 9wks early, she had no problems and is now at home doing fantastically well so I should somehow be "over it". And sometimes I just feel like shouting that although I know we were incredibly lucky with her, it doesn't take away from the fact that OH and I didn't get that first cuddle straight after she was born, the first time we saw her she was in an incubator, we didn't get to change her first nappy, I couldn't breastfeed her, we had to ask permission to hold her and someone else was there to comfort her when she cried. Coming home from hospital without our baby was so hard, being on a post natal ward with other mums and their babies was so hard. I don't know if I will ever "get over" that.

Sorry, that all just came flooding out. Its just nice to be able to say these things to people that know how I feel!

My best friend is hosting a charity event tonight so I've agreed with OH that I will try going along to that for a couple of hours and he will stay home with LO to see how I get on with that.

Thank you again for replying xx

 

[PrincessPea]

It's normal dear. I felt that way when I first got Jessica home but it does ease up. I have left her with her dad for a few hours, my parents and OH parents for a few hours. In fact yesterday my grandparents had her for an hour. I am going back to work in 2 weeks and its my dad who will be doing our childcare and at first even that thought made me very anxious but I have got used to the idea now and I feel it is good for her to mix with other family members.

The 'well shes home now so everything should be fine' feeling is normal too. It will take you some time to work through all the feelings that have built up during your NICU journey, it does get easier, I have now had LO home for 6 months and it has started to get a bit better. I now have times when I feel ok and times when the whole thing is all I can think about. The 'ok' times are beginning to tip the balance a bit now. I dont know if the feeling will ever go away fully but I think its something that gets a bit better with time.

 

[25weeker]

Holly was 3 months corrected the first time I left her for a few hours and only because it was our first wedding anniversary. She was 13 months corrected when I first left her overnight with her dad as I had work thing. A couple of weeks later we left her with the grandparents overnight and when we came back the next day she didn't come near us. She loved her night with them so we are going to arrange another night away for our anniversary next month.

Once you feel comfortable doing it then go for it but until then if you want to stay with her then do so because otherwise you will go out and hate it and it may make it harder next time. Xx

 

[katy1310]

I've never left Sophie overnight yet - I just can't bear to. She's 15 months, 12 corrected. The only people I ever feel comfortable leaving her with are DH and my parents. Our neighbour has taken her for a walk, and took her into their house without telling me they were back from their walk, and fed her chocolate buttons. That annoyed me - I know it shouldn't have but I just felt like they could have come to the door with her and said they were back and was it ok to take her into their house for a little while. I even have a problem with other people pushing the pram when we're out! Twice now our neighbour has physically pushed me off the pram handle and said she was going to push - she did it in a jokey way but it really got to me at the time! I accidentally said "Don't mind me, I'm just her mummy"! I don't normally say things - it just slipped out! The next time she asked if she could come on our walk with us, I said "Only if I can push the pram" - oops! I just sometimes feel really possessive. Well ok, a lot of the time!

I totally trust my parents with Sophie but I don't like her being left with FiL. He doesn't respect my way of doing things and I don't trust his hygiene! He smokes like a chimney and has 4 dogs who are constantly being sick or pooing on the carpet and I just don't feel comfortable leaving her there. I don't know if it's a preemie thing or if I'd be like this with a fulltermer too!

xx

 

[QueenieMurphy]

I haven't left Thalia with anyone other than OH and my mum has looked after her for brief periods- like 30 mins max if I have an emergency leg wax or something. Luckily I don't have people pressuring me to leave her. Don't feel you have to leave her with anyone till you're ready. Next time someone mentions it just firmly say thank you for the offer of babysitting but you're not leaving her just yet but you'll let them know soon as you're ready to.

 

[tweetee]

Thanks again for your replies. I'm feeling happier after reading them to know that I'm not alone and not abnormally possessive!

Mum came round the other day and said that she'd read an article in a magazine about mothers of prem babies and a psychologist had said that it is completely normal for the mother of a premature baby to be reluctant to leave her with others at first and they should not be rushed as this can lead to separation anxiety for the mother. She said she would stop asking me and tell my stepdad the same and I should just let them know when I'm ready. I feel so relieved!

MIL is a different story though lol! xxx