Arranged marriages .. right, or wrong?

[Nic1107]

Of course forced marriages are wrong- forced anything is generally wrong!

But arranged marriages can be brilliant; if you think about, (in ideal circumstances, i.e. good family relationship and all that) the two people who know you best and always have your best interests at heart are finding a variety of potential suitors for you, based on info from the people who know him best and have his best interests at heart.

Funnily enough, after I married my husband- very recently in fact- I found from my MIL that she had tried to stop our marriage. Not because of what my husband claimed (that she didn't want him marrying an American girl) but because she didn't think he was ready for marriage and wouldn't make a good husband yet. She was right! So maybe there's something to listening to your folks after all. (Not saying that love matches can't work out- obviously they can and do!)

 

[dani_tinks]

This is an interesting one.
I think forced marriages are horrible, I feel so sorry for some of these kids

But arranged marriages can work, and I guess aslong as they're not forced into it I don't see a problem, each to their own and all that. Aslong as people are happy it's all good!

 

[smokey]

Forced marriages to me are wrong, sorry if this offends but to me the term forced marriage conjures up an image of pretty much being sold against your will.

Arranged marriages on the other hand are completly different as I have alot of friends that where involved in an arranged marriage and nearly all of them are happy.
They are happy enough to go along with family and coulteral traditions and often find even if they didnt "love" the person at first they actualy grew to love and respect them rather quickly.
Plus alot of them take their vowles alot more seriously then others who have gone through finding their own partner so there cant be too much of a coincidence in that

 

[Eve]

Forced... Ummm no way. Arranged... I guess if both people are willing, but personally I think finding a partner in my version of normal is part of the fun, life lessons and learning experience.
I learned something new too... might be risking sounding stupid but when I read arranged marriage, I thought of it as forced... kwim? Not saying it is, but the term to me meant forced.

 

[cleckner04]

Of course forced marriages are wrong- forced anything is generally wrong!

But arranged marriages can be brilliant; if you think about, (in ideal circumstances, i.e. good family relationship and all that) the two people who know you best and always have your best interests at heart are finding a variety of potential suitors for you, based on info from the people who know him best and have his best interests at heart.

Funnily enough, after I married my husband- very recently in fact- I found from my MIL that she had tried to stop our marriage. Not because of what my husband claimed (that she didn't want him marrying an American girl) but because she didn't think he was ready for marriage and wouldn't make a good husband yet. She was right! So maybe there's something to listening to your folks after all. (Not saying that love matches can't work out- obviously they can and do!)

WSS^^ I actually quite like the idea of arranged marriages. No one knows us better than our families and I can definitely see how people fall madly in love with eachother through an arrangement. I was fortunate to find my DH and fall in love at a very young age so I never had to deal with strings of bad dates/men. But I'm sure many women and men wish they could bypass all that bad dating.

Forced marriages, no question that I don't agree with it. I don't see what kind of person WOULD agree with that. Anything "forced" is wrong.

 

[sparkle_1979]

I think forced marriages are obviously awful and I cant see how arranged marriages are a good thing either. I just don't see how you can marry someone without dating them first, marriage is for life and surely you want it to be a "happy life" it's the most important decision you are ever going to take so I cant see how you could not spend time ( quality and personal ) time getting to know your life partner??

I know some arranged marriages work but how many are actually terribly unsuitable matches that you then have to stay in for the rest of your life

 

[Tasha]

I have not read all of the thread so sorry if I am repeating. Arranged marriages can be a good thing, as long as everyone is in agreement, I think meeting first is a good idea but forced marriages are completely different to and they are awful.

 

[SKATERBUN]

Arranged marriages are part of some cultures and I dont think we are in any position to question it, if someone of that culture disagrees then its up to them to maybe change things. Most of the time arranged marriages actually work quiet well, in the Indian culture families are very close knit. Often the girl/boy will know the person they are going to marry well beforehand and they trust their parents decisions.

I once worked with a very wealthy English indian guy whom was told he was marrying a girl from India. He knew the family she was coming from, but didnt know her that well. she hardly could speak any English and was stunning, she was brought over to the Uk and had to learn everything about the English culture and earn her citizenship. she was very educated and worked in a bank. Both of them got to know each other over the course of time they were married, but they still lived in his parents home in the UK. He used to tell me she was very fed up with not having their own place but they as a couple loved each other immensely, it just worked. They had their ups and downs but they still make it work regardless. I guess the parents act like some sort of dating agency, but normally their choices are made because of how well thought of the families are, the caste they are from etc. It can be quite complex which is why I have never questioned it as most of the time Indian relationships can work extremely well.

Forced marriage is wrong of course, this is different. I think in some more extreme eastern cultures the option of getting to know someone is dismissed maybe and the woman is seen as someone to have the children and to just cook clean and dtd.
sorry if thats a blinkered way of looking at it but thats what forced marriage means to me.

 

[sparkle_1979]

but surely we can have an opinion on it. Of course its up to the individuals what they do but we can have opinions.

I worked with two girls who have had arranged marriages, one her husband was sent over from Pakistan and she had never met him and she was incredibly anxious about this and if honest she would have more than likely said she was petrified... the second was marrying a local guy who we all knew was shagging around and still is, the girl I worked with doesn't know this as nobody felt is was their place to tell her as knew this would probably make no difference as it was arranged...

 

[sophxx]

a arranged marriage they have the right to back out and meet people a lot of times before the marriage some dont marry for quite a while

i think forced marriages are awful arragned ,arriages are fine if there both happy

its very hard though because quite alot of families wont accept love marriages even if they are the same religion (not just muslim people even some christians) x

 

[November1984]

Anyone see this? About forced marriages:

In Lank, India, the council has restricted unmarried women from using cellphones, lest they arrange marriages behind their fathers' backs—a crime that's punishable by death.




https://gizmodo.com/5698200/unmarried-women-banned-from-using-cellphones-in-indian-village

 

[coccyx]

good grief

 

[smokey]

Anyone see this? About forced marriages:

In Lank, India, the council has restricted unmarried women from using cellphones, lest they arrange marriages behind their fathers' backs—a crime that's punishable by death.




https://gizmodo.com/5698200/unmarried-women-banned-from-using-cellphones-in-indian-village

As with most media it is over exagerated, as some on their comments rightly said the council in question are an extremist group and their "laws" are not legaly regognisable so no one will ever be put to death legitimatly for arranging a marriage of their own as their is no such law.
Those that do attempt to carry it out under the power (of which thay have none) of this council will actualy be punished themselves.

 

[rubixcyoob.]

I think an 'arranged' marriage is fine as long as both parties are willing and happy. However, when it oversteps the boundries into 'forced' marriages they should not be allowed to happen.

Technically, my parents had an 'arranged' marriage. Two of their mutual friends arranged for them to go on a blind date, knowing each of my parents tastes, likes, dislikes, values, family history etc. and found someone of their friends too match. That was 'arranged' for them, but they were never 'forced' into taking it further than that very first date, they did that of their own accord and fell in love, got married and had two children.

'Arranged' marriages can work because they take into consideration everything important to the two individuals in question before setting them up with a potential partner. Then it is left two the two people who are being set up to decide whether they want to get married or not, based on everything a normal relationship is made up of. It is their own choice through their own wants. Their meeting is just arranged by a third or fourth party.

A 'forced' marriage is not condoned in my eyes. I do not see how a parent can ever want to blackmail, threaten or disown their child if they refuse marriage to a certain person. In that case, yes the marriage can work and be happy, but you could also see your child suffer, not be in love, be miserable all for your own selfish purposes of them marrying someone you deem suitable for god knows what ever reasons.

Once a parent or whatever other third party over steps the mark then I think, as everyone elsehere has, it is wrong.

 

[Serene123]

Wrong...

You don't know if those people are happy or pretending to be.

 

[OmarsMum]

a arranged marriage they have the right to back out and meet people a lot of times before the marriage some dont marry for quite a while

i think forced marriages are awful arragned ,arriages are fine if there both happy

its very hard though because quite alot of families wont accept love marriages even if they are the same religion (not just muslim people even some christians) x

I think it's more related to a culture not a religion. Where I come from arranged marriages are still common (among christians & muslims), but they also accept love marriages equally. Some cultures like in India & other asian countries arranged marriages & sometimes forced marriages are still the norm esp for girls regardless of their religion.

 

[smokey]

Wrong...

You don't know if those people are happy or pretending to be.

well the few Indian, one chinese and one Phillapino couple I know that had arranged marriages are very happy.

I think its down to them to decide if they are or not or if they are willing to go through with it even if they arnt happy or if they want to tell their family no.

We can all say right or wrong till we are blue in the face but when it boils down to it they are not (for most of us) our lifes, marriages or choices to make and declare right or wrong as most of us wont ever realy understand the family, coulter and religious ins and outs of it all.

 

[BlackBerry25]

I have no problem with it.

 

[sophxx]

a arranged marriage they have the right to back out and meet people a lot of times before the marriage some dont marry for quite a while

i think forced marriages are awful arragned ,arriages are fine if there both happy

its very hard though because quite alot of families wont accept love marriages even if they are the same religion (not just muslim people even some christians) x

I think it's more related to a culture not a religion. Where I come from arranged marriages are still common (among christians & muslims), but they also accept love marriages equally. Some cultures like in India & other asian countries arranged marriages & sometimes forced marriages are still the norm esp for girls regardless of their religion.

where we live its a very big muslim culture and they dont accept love matches they has been alot of honor killings in the last few years

my oh is muslim and speaking from experince we are not accepted and neither are any of his brothers relationships even ones who married same religion (although after time they have been)

it really depends how westernised people are and how open they are my oh comes from a wealthy family in pakistain and they only marry in the family apart from his brothers

i dont know any one in our area that has a love marraige accepted wheres as in citys they might

i didnt mean its just those religions i ment where we live these religions dont accept love marraiges of different religions or both people the same religion

hope i explained that x

 

[OmarsMum]

where we live its a very big muslim culture and they dont accept love matches they has been alot of honor killings in the last few years

my oh is muslim and speaking from experince we are not accepted and neither are any of his brothers relationships even ones who married same religion (although after time they have been)

it really depends how westernised people are and how open they are my oh comes from a wealthy family in pakistain and they only marry in the family apart from his brothers

i dont know any one in our area that has a love marraige accepted wheres as in citys they might

i didnt mean its just those religions i ment where we live these religions dont accept love marraiges of different religions or both people the same religion

hope i explained that x

This is why I think it's more cultural. In Egypt for example almost all Coptic Christians won't accept love marriages & most of their marriages are arranged & some are forced. They dont accept marriages from another religions even from other christians. They live in villages & they'r very attached to their old culture & beliefs. Honor killing is accepted & blessed.

There is also the Druze Religion In the Middle East. Marriage outside their community is like commiting suicide. Almost all their marriages are arranged. They also think sex should be looked upon for reproduction only. If a girl or a guy wants to marry from another religion or culture they have to elope. If they try to come back to their village, they are killed for honor.