At wits end with step child's behavior!!

[hopeful4bfp]

To all you ladies that say I accepted the kids when I got with oh.. just to yall know he had seen his son maybe 4 times in the 2 years I've know him. . And the little girl isn't his and before I literally walked in from work to find them in the living room I had never met her.. Now yall can bash me all you want but I don't think any one of yall would not be overwhelmed and feel completely out of control if any of yall were in the same situation... I went from having an infant who has very basic needs, formula, diapers, cuddle to a 7 year old and 11 year old problems..judge all you want but I am doing my best that I can with what was thrown at me without notice..

What would yall do if your oh just agreed to take in 2 children without talking to you before hand?.. especially when your the main breadwinner and you are barely making it as it is.. I think you would a little stressed out and not know how to handle a out of control child. . And just so yall know i have a 9 year old nephew that I had a large hand in raising so I know what its like to be around a 7 year old boy..

 

[JASMAK]

Sorry to hear you call his kids problems. Shame.

 

[mummy2o]

Sorry to hear you call his kids problems. Shame.

I'm sorry you have to be so judgemental as there two sides to every story and your not there at her house 24/7 to know what actually goes on. People only tend to tell the worse part never the good. Your also apparently unable to read. Its kid not kids. The 11 year old isn't his. He agreed to look after them after their mother couldn't. Its a life changing situation considering she's hardly ever met the child. My OH came into my son's life when he was 5, its not the easiest thing for him as he's never been around kids for more than an hour or two once a year, when he sees his brothers kids and none of them have the disability my son has. They don't always see eye to eye, plus my son is very much a mummy's boy, has been even when I was with his dad. So there are times they're jealous of each other, but they also can have a great relationship, as OH does more rough play with him and goes on all the rides with him at fairs and parks. Its just finding the right balance of discipline and fun.

Hopeful: Just ignore what others say. As you said, your doing the best you can in the given circumstances and its not easy. Just take it a day at the time, no one is asking you to become super mum in a matter of days.

 

[kit10grl]

Sorry to hear you call his kids problems. Shame.

I'm sorry you have to be so judgemental as there two sides to every story and your not there at her house 24/7 to know what actually goes on. People only tend to tell the worse part never the good. Your also apparently unable to read. Its kid not kids. The 11 year old isn't his. He agreed to look after them after their mother couldn't. Its a life changing situation considering she's hardly ever met the child. My OH came into my son's life when he was 5, its not the easiest thing for him as he's never been around kids for more than an hour or two once a year, when he sees his brothers kids and none of them have the disability my son has. They don't always see eye to eye, plus my son is very much a mummy's boy, has been even when I was with his dad. So there are times they're jealous of each other, but they also can have a great relationship, as OH does more rough play with him and goes on all the rides with him at fairs and parks. Its just finding the right balance of discipline and fun.

Hopeful: Just ignore what others say. As you said, your doing the best you can in the given circumstances and its not easy. Just take it a day at the time, no one is asking you to become super mum in a matter of days.

Well no, no one is asking that of her but she seems to be asking it of the boy? that's what the issue is. You cant say she needs time to adjust etc but then not allow that same time and adjustment for the child. But she has said well he isn't perfectly behaved after a month there must be something wrong with him. His dad needs to get him diagnosed or I'm leaving. She also then said she wouldn't really leave its just an empty threat to get the dad to do what she wants which is very shallow and manipulative to be honest. And not very supportive of her OH who is probably also going through a big adjustment. And he sounds like a good guy to be fair, not many would take on their exes child to bring up when they aren't even the dad.

No one expects you to have it all together yet but you need to stop expecting the child should. Your the adult if your finding it hard the kid is probably completely over whelmed.

 

[Eternal]

Firstly, there is a huge difference between working with and loving with a child with mental health or developmental issues. He honestly sounds like a normal 7 year old boy who is having a really hard time of it. Boys are different from girls.

I have a child who is going trough diagnosis for autism and ADHD, so I can tell you that even of he does have ADHD, it's going to be a hellishly long road, my son has been being assessed for over a year and we have several assessments and paper work from professionals confirming both autism and ADHD, but it still is a process and need goodness knows how many professionals to confirm it. Then if your hoping for drugs. That is a long process and a lot of rebalancing medication.

You as a family still have a huge amount of evaluations, and assessments of your parenting, relationships etc, the fact he is going trough such a traumatic time will probably mean that will delay assessments even longer, because it would be cruel to start assessing a child who has only been re homed away firm his mother a month.

How is he at school? Are the school saying their have concerns?

I really feel for him, because ADHD or not, he needs love, and if it's ADHD he needs really good support and routine etc.

I Imagine it's really difficult for all of you, and I do feel for you, parenting is hard no matter what. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be taking on somebody else's child at that age, especially when you have another child. So respect to you for doing it.

But the child needs love, he is a boy and boys typically are quite rough, you should see the fights just between my two year old twins. With the older one. I think you clearly do need support but not sure what type I'd available for a 7 year old, perhaps call your health visitor and ask, say it's very difficult adjustment time, you have concerns over ADHD, and he needs to learn some cope strategies, plus you are struggling.

The fact is loads of woman struggle when they have a new baby but it would be much hater of the child was so much older and distressed and angry. But he sounds like he is having such a difficult time, and it's mot a case of, I'll give him praise, he does something wrong so clearly that didn't work. Flip we all screw up! Keep the praise when when it's difficult, reward good behaviours, let him know he is safe, not allowing him to play with his sister must be quite difficult for a child to understand.

 

[JASMAK]

Sorry to hear you call his kids problems. Shame.

I'm sorry you have to be so judgemental as there two sides to every story and your not there at her house 24/7 to know what actually goes on. People only tend to tell the worse part never the good. Your also apparently unable to read. Its kid not kids. The 11 year old isn't his. He agreed to look after them after their mother couldn't. Its a life changing situation considering she's hardly ever met the child. My OH came into my son's life when he was 5, its not the easiest thing for him as he's never been around kids for more than an hour or two once a year, when he sees his brothers kids and none of them have the disability my son has. They don't always see eye to eye, plus my son is very much a mummy's boy, has been even when I was with his dad. So there are times they're jealous of each other, but they also can have a great relationship, as OH does more rough play with him and goes on all the rides with him at fairs and parks. Its just finding the right balance of discipline and fun.

Hopeful: Just ignore what others say. As you said, your doing the best you can in the given circumstances and its not easy. Just take it a day at the time, no one is asking you to become super mum in a matter of days.

Oh, so you are there and know differently? Oh, so you are making a judgement too? Nuff said.

 

[hopeful4bfp]

And he sounds like a good guy to be fair, not many would take on their exes child to bring up when they aren't even the dad.

How is it that oh is a good guy for taking in a child is not his.. but I'm the devil incarnate for struggling to adjust to taking in 2 kids that are not mine..

 

[lhancock90]

And he sounds like a good guy to be fair, not many would take on their exes child to bring up when they aren't even the dad.

How is it that oh is a good guy for taking in a child is not his.. but I'm the devil incarnate for struggling to adjust to taking in 2 kids that are not mine..

It's completely fair you are struggling to adjust but I think the problem is that you can't see that the children might be struggling to adjust aswell

It's a difficult situation all round but instead of looking for answers in ADHD and doctors I think you all need to consider that children are affected by more than they can say. It's difficult as a child to verbalise how much a family breakup' new sibling and change of surroundings can effect you.

I think as a family, because that's what you are, you all need to sit down and talk.

I also think it's worth remembering 7 years old is still very very little.

Good luck OP.

X

 

[kit10grl]

And he sounds like a good guy to be fair, not many would take on their exes child to bring up when they aren't even the dad.

How is it that oh is a good guy for taking in a child is not his.. but I'm the devil incarnate for struggling to adjust to taking in 2 kids that are not mine..

First of all I never said you were the devil incarnate. But god forbid anyone recognise the fact your husband did a good thing FOR THE KIDS.


And my whole point is that now they ARE your kids. You are there in place of the mum that makes them your kids too now. Get over thinking about yourself for five minutes.

 

[Foogirl]

To all you ladies that say I accepted the kids when I got with oh.. just to yall know he had seen his son maybe 4 times in the 2 years I've know him. . And the little girl isn't his and before I literally walked in from work to find them in the living room I had never met her.. Now yall can bash me all you want but I don't think any one of yall would not be overwhelmed and feel completely out of control if any of yall were in the same situation... I went from having an infant who has very basic needs, formula, diapers, cuddle to a 7 year old and 11 year old problems..judge all you want but I am doing my best that I can with what was thrown at me without notice..

What would yall do if your oh just agreed to take in 2 children without talking to you before hand?.. especially when your the main breadwinner and you are barely making it as it is.. I think you would a little stressed out and not know how to handle a out of control child. . And just so yall know i have a 9 year old nephew that I had a large hand in raising so I know what its like to be around a 7 year old boy..

And however disruptive it is to your life and however difficult it is for you to deal with, think about it from his point of view. How would you feel as a seven year old boy if one morning you woke up and your mum wasn't there and you were taken to live with a dad and a mum that wasn't even yours? Never mind how chaotic his life has been, that in the mind of a seven year old boy is a whole lot to deal with, when you haven't had the experience of life or a chance to really learn about emotions and how to handle them.

What would I do if it happened to me? Well, first of all I know it wouldn't as I know my husband has no other children. But if he did, and I knew that, no matter how many times he had seen them I would have known they were a part of his life. If he had done something so extreme without speaking to me first I would understand it was obviously something he did because he felt he had to and there was no other option. I would sit him down and talk about it and work out how we were going to cope. I guess to me, that"s what my marriage is about.

 

[JASMAK]

To all you ladies that say I accepted the kids when I got with oh.. just to yall know he had seen his son maybe 4 times in the 2 years I've know him. . And the little girl isn't his and before I literally walked in from work to find them in the living room I had never met her.. Now yall can bash me all you want but I don't think any one of yall would not be overwhelmed and feel completely out of control if any of yall were in the same situation... I went from having an infant who has very basic needs, formula, diapers, cuddle to a 7 year old and 11 year old problems..judge all you want but I am doing my best that I can with what was thrown at me without notice..

What would yall do if your oh just agreed to take in 2 children without talking to you before hand?.. especially when your the main breadwinner and you are barely making it as it is.. I think you would a little stressed out and not know how to handle a out of control child. . And just so yall know i have a 9 year old nephew that I had a large hand in raising so I know what its like to be around a 7 year old boy..

And however disruptive it is to your life and however difficult it is for you to deal with, think about it from his point of view. How would you feel as a seven year old boy if one morning you woke up and your mum wasn't there and you were taken to live with a dad and a mum that wasn't even yours? Never mind how chaotic his life has been, that in the mind of a seven year old boy is a whole lot to deal with, when you haven't had the experience of life or a chance to really learn about emotions and how to handle them.

What would I do if it happened to me? Well, first of all I know it wouldn't as I know my husband has no other children. But if he did, and I knew that, no matter how many times he had seen them I would have known they were a part of his life. If he had done something so extreme without speaking to me first I would understand it was obviously something he did because he felt he had to and there was no other option. I would sit him down and talk about it and work out how we were going to cope. I guess to me, that"s what my marriage is about.

This is why this situation is so upsetting to me! He is a child. He is passed around like he is an object. You described this perfectly. He needs adults to take care of him, teach him trust and respect, teach him rules and boundaries. Would it be hard? Damn right! But he never chose this!

 

[pinklightbulb]

Oh dear....

My ex has a child that has autism. Yes, I knew about, loved, and treated the child like my own from the day I got with my ex (I met him through the child, strangely enough, so had bonded to the boy before my XH ever).

It didn't mean some days weren't damn hard and it wasn't a struggle. I had no children of my own and found some days almost intolerable. As a new mother, some days I'd have been a certified basket case. It's not that I resented the child, but the behaviour and at times the disruption to my "normal" life on the difficult days. I would have given anything for this child but at the same time, some days I just wanted to hide away and second-guessed my relationship because I wasn't sure I would be able to handle this forever (I met XH when I was 19, and he was 27). I was only young and not used to children, much less how to care for a special needs one.

For a child to be properly cared for, parents need to be in a good headspace as well. So the feelings of the parents are still valid... sometimes it does affect the way we see things and colour our judgement of a situation. I know it did mine on the hard days. It didn't mean I didn't love the boy, I was just human and I had bad days as well.

So I can both sympathise with OP and see the opposite POV that has been displayed here. Dealing with a child with special needs (or potential special needs) that is not yours is quite possibly harder, because you don't have the same amount of power as the biological/legal parent. You feel helpless at times and it sounds like OP has just reached her wits' end and is reaching out.

 

[Foogirl]

I am raising a child with special needs. I totally get the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and as a mum I am Ill equipped to cope some days. Some days I am overwhelmed.

But never once do I look at my four year old and wonder what she needs to do differently to help me out. I never think it is her behaviour that is the problem. I have no problem with the OP admitting things are a struggle. Where I am concerned is, it's all about her and what the seven year old needs to do to make her life better.

 

[sandilion]

Stop resenting him and include him. Give him jobs to do to help with the baby, and/or dinner. I can totally understand your fear and concerns for your baby's safety, but in order for this to work it sounds like you need to change your approach and mind set. Telling him he isn't allowed near the baby is only going to alienate him and make him more distressed and anxious and bitter. He was taken from his mother.... that's gonna effect him! More negativity on top of that is only going to be a vicious cycle.

Also, don't leave your baby unsupervised with other children. Seriously reading your posts here sounds like you're talking about a 14 year old rather than a 7 year old. You are expecting way too much from this child. He's 7!!!

And it's not the children's fault that they suddenly turned up. You sound really cold.... I understand we get protective of our babies, but this is your little family now. So you need to make this work and the way you're doing it right now is not gonna work.

There has been some really good advice in this thread so I really hope you manage to take some on board. I hope it all works out.

 

[bumpbear]

I've read through all of the thread, and you've received lots of great advice. Some of it has been given harshly, but it's still good advice.

I just wanted to echo sentiments that you please for a second take a step back and see things from your step-sons point of view. I know things are hard for you, and I really do feel bad for you. It can't be easy. But at least you are still in your own home and have your family around you.

This poor child has had a terrible upbringing, has been ripped away from his mother and his home, is now living with a father he barely knows, in a strange place with a new mother and sibling, has already been 'spanked' in an effort to discipline him and has been told that he is not allowed to go near his little sister. I know you say you haven't been awful to him, but he must be picking up on your 'unhappy with him' vibe. Kids are not stupid. Its no wonder he is acting up.

Even if he does have ADHD, no matter how terrible his behaviour is or gets (it could get worse), please remember that he is a child who is going through the worst time possible. Be patient and realize its only been a few weeks - there is no way you have tried 'everything possible' to get him to behave yet because one of the key things to do this is to give him TIME to adjust and he's not had that yet. One month is NO TIME AT ALL.

Think about how you'd like someone to treat your own daughter if she were in his shoes and behave that way towards him.