Attention-seeking behaviour

[stepmummy]

Hi ladies (and possibly gents too!),

I am having a difficult time with my 8 year old stepdaughter. I should preface this by stating that I love her so much and she is a lovely child with tremendous character. Also, as you can see from my ticker, I am early on in my pregnancy so I'm not afraid to admit that might be contributing.

But she is driving me CRAZY! She is constantly attention-seeking when she is here. She asks constant questions (often started with 'what if?' which are unanswerable), she is constantly singing/dancing/talking/making noises. She just won't sit still and be quiet which sometimes I really need her to for a little while.

I have tried setting her tasks to keep her occupied but 2 minutes in she's asking questions. I feel like if I push it, I'm being mean and like the classic wicked stepmother who just wants her to be seen and not heard! Of course that's not how I feel at all and I do want to spend time with her. It's just when I'm tired, looking after DD and trying to grow a baby it all gets a bit much!

I think DH thinks I am being too demanding but I always parent in the same way - Do I want this child growing up thinking this behaviour is okay? If the answer is 'no' then I want to do something about it.

Any advice? Is this normal? My friend has a daughter around the same age and she has a very similar character but she likes to read in her room for at least an hour a day and I find myself quite envious!

Thank you in advance

 

[stepmummy]

Anyone?!?!

 

[candy3]

Here is some advice from an Educational Psychologist, I hope it helps and good luck! xx


The following intervention is extraordinarily powerful. It works just about every time and the only reason it fails is because the adult stops. Children never tire of this intervention.

Special Time.
Tell the child that they will be getting a special time each day.


Then each day tell them that special time will start in 2 minutes.
Tell the child that special time will start now.
Engage in special time.
Tell the child that special time will end in 2 minutes.
Tell the child that special time will end now.

You have therefore told the child four times that they are getting special time.

During special time the child may choose to do anything that is reasonable. They may want to watch a video with you or make a cake (use a ready made mix) for instance. Do not teach. Simply watch the child, helping if they request it, never offer. The adult watches the child and every so often sums up what the child is doing with praise for the skills shown. For instance I love the way you cuddle me. I love the way you are mixing that cake mix. This shows that the adult is paying attention. The analogy usually used is bathing the child in a warm bath of positive attention.

Do this every day.
Do not under any circumstances take away the special time as a sanction.
Even if the child has had an awful day, special time must occur.

 

[stepmummy]

Thanks that's a great idea. I will try it next time she is round. Only problem is she's not with us every day and any good we manage to do is quickly undone by her mother. She's pretty neglectful and just dumps her in front of the TV.

 

[MiniMomOfMany]

I have to say that her behavior sounds perfectly normal to me. I have six children, four of whom are girls, and when they reach around 6-8 yrs old they start a conversation that doesn't end until they reach puberty, lol! Chattering non-stop is just a female's way of connecting (note that most successful chat forums like this are populated by ladies!) The fact that she wants to connect with you is awesome, so you are definitely doing something right, mama! To get a little peace without damaging that precious connection, just talk to her...no, really! Talk to her and tell her that her chatting is normal and you are so honored that she thinks enough of you to include you in her life that way. And then reciprocate and let her into your life by telling her how much is going on in your life and how overwhelming it is for you sometimes. Make a little 'inside joke' phrase with her (like 'okay, my ears are full!' or 'break time!' or something you come up with together) to let her know when you need a respite from the chatter for a bit and come up with a game plan for that time like reading or drawing or tv time. There are some other ideas that you might be able to use here https://wp.me/p1CpgO-b0 . It's a collection of gentle parenting tips and ideas. HTH!

 

[seoj]

Oh hun... as you described your SD behavior, I swear you were talking about my SD!!! When I first started dating her Dad, she was barely 9yrs old... and she was just NON STOP!!! She would argue to the point where I thought I would snap sometimes... she would totally do the "what if this or what if that... over and over and over..."... she would sing in the car ALL the time (even around the house)... or just chat chat chat... just to hear the sound of her own voice I think?! lol. Luckily she is a very social kid. So she would go play with the neighbor kids etc... but that too became an issue if she wanted to have a sleep over (which she would ask for every weekend) - and then she would be so desperate to find someone to stay with us, she would call everyone she knew if we let her... and if no one could stay over... she would be SO upset.

Her situation is more unique though... she has separation anxiety (which she was diagnosed with from a young age due to issues with her bio mom)- she is with us full time. And back then, rarely had much time with her mom and no overnight visits. It's much more "stable" these days- as much as it can be, but truly, I was and still am her full time parent along with her Dad.

She is a wonderful child... and SO full of love and trust (even after all she's been through). She is just very strong willed and part of her anxiety was wanting to control things... and she couldn't stand too much "quiet" either. Like if she was constantly go go go ... then she didn't have to actually think. It's something she worked on for years in her counseling.

Over the years though... and after trying different techniques, she has grown into such a wonderful young girl (she's 14 now). Not that she wasn't wonderful before, but she listens so well now... and helps out when needed and rarely argues anymore. She does push it from time to time- but what teenage girl doesn't?

One thing I found helpful, was I had to learn this was just part of WHO she is... and not try to fix who she was, but more so some of the behavior she had. If that makes sense? It became too easy for me to get sucked into arguing with her... when I'M the parent and set the rules. Period. So I tried a few different techniques, and for us, we had to set very strong boundaries and stick to them consistently. If she started to argue- I would simply say, "this is not a discussion. If you argue again, then you can go to your room... or whatever other consequence we had in place". That usually did the trick, but if not, then we had to follow through. OR- something I found hard learning to do but helped a ton... instead of saying "No"... I would give an option... but one I was OK with. For instance, if she asked for a friend to stay over that night (and I was tired, or not in the mood to deal with another kid)- I would just say, "well, you can have a friend stay over tomorrow night... or you can have your friend over tonight to play for a bit, but they can't stay over"... something along those lines. So she felt like she had a choice, but really, the choices were both things we, as the parents, were OK with.

It will get better hun... sounds like you just have a very vibrant, full of life child on your hands. Sometimes, it can be a bit much... but they are usually the ones so full of love and creativity... that it's so special to have that in your life as well.

Best of luck to you all

 

[JASMAK]

I think if she is asking too many questions, just ask her to stop..without getting angry. My daughter has autism and will ask questions ALL DAY LONG...often the same questions over and over and over again...it gets very tiresome. Finally I say, "Makena, please do not ask me anymore questions right now...I need some quiet time. You need to leave mommy alone so I can have some quiet time. Please go play with your toys in another room so mommy can hear quiet." Now, you probably don't have to talk to your daughter quite like that...it is hard for my daughter to understand...but that is what I do..and I am trying to say it before I get too annoyed and frustrated with all her constant questions. It coudl be your daughter just wants to chat...so maybe try bringing up something that she can chat about with you...but then end the conversation when it is over...could be she has weak boundaries with conversations and isn't quite aware. My son can sure chat my ear off too...I think it is partly the age (he is 8). Could be a wee bit of the pregnancy too...lol...I get irritated easily while pregnant too. hahaha..not our faults!

 

[stepmummy]

This is all great advice, and it's wonderful to hear from you Seoj as you've been through something similar.

I'm fully aware that a lot fo the problems lie around my exhaustion and irritability at the moment, being so early on in my pregnancy. I am sure it'll get easier and I find she calms down a lot when I'm happy and calm too. SHe's probably picking up on my unease and verbally poking me to make sure everything is okay.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your valuable insights.

 

[seoj]

This is all great advice, and it's wonderful to hear from you Seoj as you've been through something similar.

I'm fully aware that a lot fo the problems lie around my exhaustion and irritability at the moment, being so early on in my pregnancy. I am sure it'll get easier and I find she calms down a lot when I'm happy and calm too. SHe's probably picking up on my unease and verbally poking me to make sure everything is okay.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your valuable insights.

Glad I could help (even just a little)- it certainly is more trying when your already tired or on edge yourself... I know I had to work on that for me, cause I would get sucked into arguing more when I wasn't calm or thinking rationally. Which didn't help the situation.

Sounds like there is a lot of love... so that is great. It will get easier as she grows and her impulse control is better! lol. Girls are just, well, very chatty at times... some worse than others- but they certainly make for amazing, self assured and fun kids as they grow. So that's a great thing!