Awkward: Don't want MIL to babysit

[immy11]

My mother in law has a massive drinking problem, we have tried to help but she won't admit the problem let alone attempt to do something about it. She never has any food in the house, only alcohol and is drunk everytime we see her.
She also has different men sleep over all the time. She wants our three year old boy to sleep over. I am very casual and have never had a problem having family members look after him since he was a baby, however the thought of him being in her house with possibly a strange man and her passed out in the bedroom makes me feel sick.
I spoke to my husband about this and he hadn't even thought about how bad the situation is, he would have just let him stay there. Luckily he agrees with me but the problem is we dont know how to go about saying no to her without causing a big fight or falling out. "We dont trust you with our child" is pretty harsh.
Has anyone had to tell a family member they can't babysit before? How did you do it? I'm not being crazy right?

 

[Pipakoka]

No...you're not being crazy. It's not a simple situation. I wouldn't let my kids sleep in that kind of environment too. Maybe you or even better, your husband could talk to her and explain to her your concern? In a very calm way?

 

[Parkep]

Has she brought it up? My mother is also an alcoholic, but we have been distancing our selves from her for awhile. So its never really come up plus I dont ask lol.

 

[immy11]

She talks about having him over for the night all the time but a situation where she's offered hasn't actually come up yet but I feel like she's waiting for us to ask? And like she might bring it up soon. Next time it comes up I think my husband while talk to her 😬 So awkward

 

[heychrissie]

I think being honest but tactful about it is the best way to go - if you skirt around the issue she may keep hinting when nothing in her end is any different. I do agree though, leave it to your husband, haha.

 

[MindUtopia]

If she asks, I think you just have to tell her that you aren't comfortable with it. It's about keeping your son safe, it shouldn't be awkward at all. My MIL is married to a convicted child sex offender (a new partner, just got married last year, not my husband's dad) and at this point, she doesn't even have any contact with our daughter and hasn't seen her since last year. We hope one day that she might have some limited supervised contact (once she agrees to our conditions that have been put in place to keep our daughter safe), but there is no way in hell she would ever be able to babysit her outside of our supervision. I don't trust her. She is very controlled by this new husband and doesn't think he did anything wrong in molesting this other little girl.

When there are potential safety issues, I think you have to be very upfront, especially with people who may otherwise not cognitively understand if you're being subtle (like if she is drinking a lot, MIL drinks a lot as well). In our case, slightly different because we were cutting off all contact and wanted to be really firm about it. We wrote her a letter and outlined the conditions she would have to meet to have a relationship with our daughter (obviously, not her partner, we have no relationship with him anymore at all and he will never have any contact) and that she wouldn't see her otherwise. My husband hand delivered it and explained it to her face to face as well. I think have whoever is closest to her tell it to her. I assume your husband? I think you just have to be really firm and say exactly what it is you mean, that you have concerns about her drinking and aren't comfortable with her babysitting but that she can see him other times when you are around. You may have to say it several times. I know my MIL has tried to undermine us and we've had to be quite assertive with her and say it again about 2 more occasions, but she finally got the message.

 

[immy11]

MindUtopia wow what a situation! You are so right about having to repeat it several times that's exactly what she's like, doesn't listen at all! Thanks, I'll be telling my husband to be firm and repeat the point

 

[AnneD]

OP - your children's safety comes first, be firm and say no.

doesn't think he did anything wrong in molesting this other little girl.

MU - I am speechless!

 

[MindUtopia]

OP - your children's safety comes first, be firm and say no.

doesn't think he did anything wrong in molesting this other little girl.

MU - I am speechless!

Yeah, tell me about it. It's a long and sad story, mostly about how he was "wronged" by the courts and is a "victim" of injustice and it never happened because even the judge who found him guilty and sentenced him to prison "didn't believe he was really guilty." Blah, blah, blah. I think when people don't have their heads on right (whether it's because of problem drinking or an abusive, manipulative relationship, in our case), they can't think through what they are saying and doing, which is exactly why they shouldn't be responsible for caring for anyone's children. They just aren't trustworthy.

 

[jessmke]

I would jut be very upfront with her without accusing her of anything (ie don't call her an alcoholic). Just say that you aren't comfortable with the amount she drinks so you don't want your son staying over at her house unsupervised, but you are happy to bring him over for visits whenever she wants. You aren't limiting her access to your son but also aren't putting your son in a dangerous environment. If she chooses to be angry by your decision then so be it.