Lindsey322
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- Oct 12, 2014
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This is a huge vent. I need it.
Oddly enough the last time I was on this website I was posting about how my Clomid trials were going. Second time... it worked!
I am so blessed. I have a happy, healthy little 4 month old boy. I am able to stay home full time with him. It's all I ever wanted.
Maybe that's what makes me feel so bad.
I have a mild history of depression, haven't had any issues in years. Recently though, I do not feel like myself and am trying to sort out what's normal and what's not.
I hesitate to even type this out, but one experience I had while pregnant left severe scars on me. I had a teacher who worked in the room next to me who was two months further along than I was. We weren't particularly close but would exchange knowing glances and laughs at our bellies. She suffered a placental abruption and lost her baby two days before the due date. I didn't sleep for weeks after this. I suppose in a way it could be classified as survivors guilt, because I think to myself, I have no reason to be upset. My baby is asleep in his crib at the moment. However, I cry over this at least once a week and have severe anxiety any time my baby is out of my sight. I keep putting myself in her shoes. I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about it, but I for some reason can't stop. It keeps me up at night, nearly 6 months after the event. I feel terrible even asking for help with this issue, because I don't understand why I've reacted so strongly to this story.
I also am feeling overwhelmed. My baby is EBF, which is great, but I need to be with him almost 24/7 with an occasional bottle. I've been getting better at leaving him but it still is hard. Have you ever felt that you don't want to leave your baby but desperately need to get away for a minute? Maybe it's just after Christmas and my house is in post-holiday chaos, but I feel like my mind is spinning out of control. I feel like I'm going nuts with anxiety, over nothing in particular.
I'm also learning how to be a mom and wife. I find doing both is HARD! It makes me very upset not to be able to fill my husbands needs all the time. I can't bring myself to apologize for wanting to just go to bed after caring for the baby all day. I'm exhausted and do 95% of the work. My hubby came home and innocently commented that the soap dispenser was empty yesterday and I am STILL fuming about it. Laundry and dishes are done, house is vacuumed, decorations are down, HOMEMADE DINNER, baby is happy... I'm sorry if the soap slipped my mind. I haven't yet had the chance to go to the bathroom today!! I had to tune him out after I heard the words "Come on, you've been home all day."
I also had a botched tear during birth. A week after, the stitch didn't hold and the skin was so raw I couldn't use the bathroom. I had to go in and get re-stitched up followed by burning the nerves in the affected area. Sex hurts. My hubby seems disappointing that I'm not 100% into it. How could I be? I can't even take my bra off because of leakage!! It still feels like lemon in a paper-cut, but I'm hoping with time it will improve. I sometimes just want to scream, "it's only been four months, I need more time." I do it for him, and I'm ok with that for now, but he can't expect me to be ready to go at a moments notice when I've got 100 things on my mind and my still healing body. He's even asked me to see a doctor about my lack of desire. I love him dearly, but maybe the doctor would give him the eye roll that I desperately want to.
So in venting, I suppose there's just so many changes that happened so fast. The hubby is starting to help more with the baby, which helps me. I have a Master's degree in child development and have worked with young kids for 12 years while this was the first baby my love has ever held. He needed time to be comfortable with the baby and he's doing a great job getting there.
Yikes, this post didn't really come to a solid point but it helped me deal and sort out some emotions I've been working through. Thank goodness for time and a place to do that
Oddly enough the last time I was on this website I was posting about how my Clomid trials were going. Second time... it worked!
I am so blessed. I have a happy, healthy little 4 month old boy. I am able to stay home full time with him. It's all I ever wanted.
Maybe that's what makes me feel so bad.
I have a mild history of depression, haven't had any issues in years. Recently though, I do not feel like myself and am trying to sort out what's normal and what's not.
I hesitate to even type this out, but one experience I had while pregnant left severe scars on me. I had a teacher who worked in the room next to me who was two months further along than I was. We weren't particularly close but would exchange knowing glances and laughs at our bellies. She suffered a placental abruption and lost her baby two days before the due date. I didn't sleep for weeks after this. I suppose in a way it could be classified as survivors guilt, because I think to myself, I have no reason to be upset. My baby is asleep in his crib at the moment. However, I cry over this at least once a week and have severe anxiety any time my baby is out of my sight. I keep putting myself in her shoes. I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about it, but I for some reason can't stop. It keeps me up at night, nearly 6 months after the event. I feel terrible even asking for help with this issue, because I don't understand why I've reacted so strongly to this story.
I also am feeling overwhelmed. My baby is EBF, which is great, but I need to be with him almost 24/7 with an occasional bottle. I've been getting better at leaving him but it still is hard. Have you ever felt that you don't want to leave your baby but desperately need to get away for a minute? Maybe it's just after Christmas and my house is in post-holiday chaos, but I feel like my mind is spinning out of control. I feel like I'm going nuts with anxiety, over nothing in particular.
I'm also learning how to be a mom and wife. I find doing both is HARD! It makes me very upset not to be able to fill my husbands needs all the time. I can't bring myself to apologize for wanting to just go to bed after caring for the baby all day. I'm exhausted and do 95% of the work. My hubby came home and innocently commented that the soap dispenser was empty yesterday and I am STILL fuming about it. Laundry and dishes are done, house is vacuumed, decorations are down, HOMEMADE DINNER, baby is happy... I'm sorry if the soap slipped my mind. I haven't yet had the chance to go to the bathroom today!! I had to tune him out after I heard the words "Come on, you've been home all day."
I also had a botched tear during birth. A week after, the stitch didn't hold and the skin was so raw I couldn't use the bathroom. I had to go in and get re-stitched up followed by burning the nerves in the affected area. Sex hurts. My hubby seems disappointing that I'm not 100% into it. How could I be? I can't even take my bra off because of leakage!! It still feels like lemon in a paper-cut, but I'm hoping with time it will improve. I sometimes just want to scream, "it's only been four months, I need more time." I do it for him, and I'm ok with that for now, but he can't expect me to be ready to go at a moments notice when I've got 100 things on my mind and my still healing body. He's even asked me to see a doctor about my lack of desire. I love him dearly, but maybe the doctor would give him the eye roll that I desperately want to.
So in venting, I suppose there's just so many changes that happened so fast. The hubby is starting to help more with the baby, which helps me. I have a Master's degree in child development and have worked with young kids for 12 years while this was the first baby my love has ever held. He needed time to be comfortable with the baby and he's doing a great job getting there.
Yikes, this post didn't really come to a solid point but it helped me deal and sort out some emotions I've been working through. Thank goodness for time and a place to do that
