Miggy
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I have recently created a lighthearted facebook group called "Baby's guide to Mam and Dad" With the intention of helping to provide some lighthearted chuckles for parents and parents to be. I only made this page today and have only made a few posts so far but would like to share some of it here in the hopes of raising a giggle and maybe attracting a few who are on facebook to like the page. I know the posts are a little long but please give em a chance 
Link to page at the bottom of this post.
THE BABY's GUIDE TO MAM AND DAD
There's no better time to put the Sh*ts up mammy and daddy than from LABOUR DAY! So to be a successful baby... Make this day count!!! This means DRAMA! Listen carefully to that midwifey lady and when she starts shouting "PUSH" then THIS IS YOUR MOMENT!
This is also your first chance to teach PEEKABOO to mammy and daddy. Later they will think that they invented this game but we babies know different. This means that when mammy is pushing you out... if you can maybe try and pop out and back in a few times then this will be really funny! Especially because mammy seems to be under some weird impression that if she doesn't push you out properly by the third time, you're gonna disappear in a puff of smoke and never be seen again!
Now when those midwifeys pull you out that mammy, then it might hurt like a mother****er... but the secret here is to bottle up that little crying voice and be as quiet as you can! Rest assured that this is the ONLY time in your whole life that mammy and daddy actually WANT to hear you cry! But you're a baby and they KNEW this sh*t wasn't gonna be easy!! This is what makes this game so fun! If you can compliment your silence with not moving too much then it's even better! Especially if all the Diamorphine has made you all blue, which if you have been successful in playing the peekaboo game coming out of mammy, should hopefully have you looking quite like a smurf now....which totally adds to effect! If you hear mammy saying "Is everything ok?" then pat yourself on the back! You get a baby Oscar!
Well, you made it out of mammy, and if you did it right then mammy should have a nervous twitch for the rest of her life! Are we finished yet? HELL NO! Baby ain't even reached first gear! She just had a baby. She thinks she's mammy of the century already with everyone blabbering out "WELL DONE" and Daddy patting her on the head. Well it's YOUR job to prove otherwise! Now when they first put you on Mammy's tummy, she's gonna say something really bloody stupid... Like "HELLO". Honsetly, she's been talking to you for 9 months and she says "Hello" now! With parents with these kinda vocabulary skills, it's no wonder you're not gonna be talking till you're 3!
Now its time for you're next big master plan! I'm warning you now, that the next thing out of her Diamorphined up little mouth is gonna be "You're Beautiful!!"...except, she hasn't seen your face yet! You're still face down on her already deflating tummy. You need to wait until she's JUST starting with the "You're......" and THATS when you look up!! Look up and squint those little eyes.... Bulge out those cheeks and STRAIN that neck RIGHT OUT! Make her think that she just gave birth to a purple baby Giraffe! No woman ever thinks she's gonna have an ugly baby, but we all know they DO exist.... and for the next hour, it's VITAL that you make her think she just had one! Whats more, if you're ugly...then it's hers and daddy's fault... You'll have the pair of them looking in the mirror all over again for the next 10 years!
Now that she saw you looking up like a bulldog chewing on a wasp, she wants to hide that face quickly! That means you're going straight on BOOBY! Except, it's your job to make sure that doesn't happen. She's convinced herself for months that this is gonna be easy. The trick here is to get that mouth open like the channel tunnel! So she thinks she can't possibly miss! Except she will miss, and she'll keep missing. Its not your fault, your mouth is wide open and you're making all your little starving noises. It MUST be her fault! She must be totally useless at this already!
Job done! You're really getting the hang of this now! Except we haven't even started on Daddy! He's got off with this for 9 months! Look at the big bloody idiot standing there crying like a girl. Scared to pick you up because he thinks he's gonna crush you! Well....we'll get to him next then shall we?..
DAD
Alright lets get round to daddy! He's standing there like a blubbering idiot still in shock that you've actually come into the world. God knows what he thought was in mammy's tummy for the last 9 months. With that kind of intelligence, its a wonder that you even made it into mammy's tummy in the first place. Though he was probably only that lucky because of a special juice for grown ups called Alakol! Daddy is already vulnerable because of the fact that he's cried more than you have already (big wuss). He's looking at you and he wants to pick you up and hold you so mammy can take photo's of him to make his facebook friends think he's daddy of the year. The problem is that daddy thinks that he's Conan the barbarian.. He thinks if he touches you the wrong way, you're head's going to come off and roll along the floor... He thinks that if he tries to hold your hand, your arm is going to come off, and that if he sneezes or coughs whilst holding you, you will explode into a firery inferno!...and this all works to your advantage! When daddy tries to put his hand under your head to pick you up.... STRETCH that neck! If you can turn your head round 900 degree's and look behind you then this is fantastic. Tremble your lips like he's breaking your little neck and its even better! When daddy says "God he's so tiny" then you know you have sufficiently made him scared of his own shadow for at least 2 years. This makes him less likely to intervene when you are playing Crib Peekaboo with Mammy!
Crib Peekaboo is a little different from "Being born Peekaboo" In that Crib Peekaboo involves lying in your crib beside mammy's bed, and making noises like you are choking to death on your own tongue. If you can throw in a few gurgles and time these for every time mammy stops looking and puts her head on the pillow, then this makes the game even more fun. Mammy loves this! Always try and keep a little milk tucked away in the pockets of your mouth to spit up whenever she looks....reinforcing the belief that you could choke yourself into a milky coma every time she blinks.
Hope you enjoyed
Again, the link to the page is
https://www.facebook.com/TheBabysGuideToMamAndDad
Please visit to show your support
Link to page at the bottom of this post. THE BABY's GUIDE TO MAM AND DAD
There's no better time to put the Sh*ts up mammy and daddy than from LABOUR DAY! So to be a successful baby... Make this day count!!! This means DRAMA! Listen carefully to that midwifey lady and when she starts shouting "PUSH" then THIS IS YOUR MOMENT!
This is also your first chance to teach PEEKABOO to mammy and daddy. Later they will think that they invented this game but we babies know different. This means that when mammy is pushing you out... if you can maybe try and pop out and back in a few times then this will be really funny! Especially because mammy seems to be under some weird impression that if she doesn't push you out properly by the third time, you're gonna disappear in a puff of smoke and never be seen again!
Now when those midwifeys pull you out that mammy, then it might hurt like a mother****er... but the secret here is to bottle up that little crying voice and be as quiet as you can! Rest assured that this is the ONLY time in your whole life that mammy and daddy actually WANT to hear you cry! But you're a baby and they KNEW this sh*t wasn't gonna be easy!! This is what makes this game so fun! If you can compliment your silence with not moving too much then it's even better! Especially if all the Diamorphine has made you all blue, which if you have been successful in playing the peekaboo game coming out of mammy, should hopefully have you looking quite like a smurf now....which totally adds to effect! If you hear mammy saying "Is everything ok?" then pat yourself on the back! You get a baby Oscar!
Well, you made it out of mammy, and if you did it right then mammy should have a nervous twitch for the rest of her life! Are we finished yet? HELL NO! Baby ain't even reached first gear! She just had a baby. She thinks she's mammy of the century already with everyone blabbering out "WELL DONE" and Daddy patting her on the head. Well it's YOUR job to prove otherwise! Now when they first put you on Mammy's tummy, she's gonna say something really bloody stupid... Like "HELLO". Honsetly, she's been talking to you for 9 months and she says "Hello" now! With parents with these kinda vocabulary skills, it's no wonder you're not gonna be talking till you're 3!
Now its time for you're next big master plan! I'm warning you now, that the next thing out of her Diamorphined up little mouth is gonna be "You're Beautiful!!"...except, she hasn't seen your face yet! You're still face down on her already deflating tummy. You need to wait until she's JUST starting with the "You're......" and THATS when you look up!! Look up and squint those little eyes.... Bulge out those cheeks and STRAIN that neck RIGHT OUT! Make her think that she just gave birth to a purple baby Giraffe! No woman ever thinks she's gonna have an ugly baby, but we all know they DO exist.... and for the next hour, it's VITAL that you make her think she just had one! Whats more, if you're ugly...then it's hers and daddy's fault... You'll have the pair of them looking in the mirror all over again for the next 10 years!
Now that she saw you looking up like a bulldog chewing on a wasp, she wants to hide that face quickly! That means you're going straight on BOOBY! Except, it's your job to make sure that doesn't happen. She's convinced herself for months that this is gonna be easy. The trick here is to get that mouth open like the channel tunnel! So she thinks she can't possibly miss! Except she will miss, and she'll keep missing. Its not your fault, your mouth is wide open and you're making all your little starving noises. It MUST be her fault! She must be totally useless at this already!
Job done! You're really getting the hang of this now! Except we haven't even started on Daddy! He's got off with this for 9 months! Look at the big bloody idiot standing there crying like a girl. Scared to pick you up because he thinks he's gonna crush you! Well....we'll get to him next then shall we?..
DAD
Alright lets get round to daddy! He's standing there like a blubbering idiot still in shock that you've actually come into the world. God knows what he thought was in mammy's tummy for the last 9 months. With that kind of intelligence, its a wonder that you even made it into mammy's tummy in the first place. Though he was probably only that lucky because of a special juice for grown ups called Alakol! Daddy is already vulnerable because of the fact that he's cried more than you have already (big wuss). He's looking at you and he wants to pick you up and hold you so mammy can take photo's of him to make his facebook friends think he's daddy of the year. The problem is that daddy thinks that he's Conan the barbarian.. He thinks if he touches you the wrong way, you're head's going to come off and roll along the floor... He thinks that if he tries to hold your hand, your arm is going to come off, and that if he sneezes or coughs whilst holding you, you will explode into a firery inferno!...and this all works to your advantage! When daddy tries to put his hand under your head to pick you up.... STRETCH that neck! If you can turn your head round 900 degree's and look behind you then this is fantastic. Tremble your lips like he's breaking your little neck and its even better! When daddy says "God he's so tiny" then you know you have sufficiently made him scared of his own shadow for at least 2 years. This makes him less likely to intervene when you are playing Crib Peekaboo with Mammy!
Crib Peekaboo is a little different from "Being born Peekaboo" In that Crib Peekaboo involves lying in your crib beside mammy's bed, and making noises like you are choking to death on your own tongue. If you can throw in a few gurgles and time these for every time mammy stops looking and puts her head on the pillow, then this makes the game even more fun. Mammy loves this! Always try and keep a little milk tucked away in the pockets of your mouth to spit up whenever she looks....reinforcing the belief that you could choke yourself into a milky coma every time she blinks.
Hope you enjoyed
Again, the link to the page is
https://www.facebook.com/TheBabysGuideToMamAndDad
Please visit to show your support
