Bad mother.....(l/c mentioned)

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by natasja32, Apr 9, 2009.

  1. natasja32

    natasja32 Mum to 4 boys

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    I feel like such a bad mother.:cry: Im struggling today,its not my toddlers fault that we lost Bodhi,i just seem to be taking it out on him and his 8 year old brother. Just made myself a cup of coffee,and my two year old knocked it over,because he was having a temper tantrum. So i yelled and yelled at him and told him to go away...:cry::cry: I dont know how to cope with my mood swings. Now 5 min after im crying like a baby....Get so mad at myself. I dont want my kids to hate mummy:cry::cry:
     
  2. NickyT75

    NickyT75 RIP Sophie my angel

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    :hug:

    you are not a bad mother babe - you just need time to grieve :hugs:

    is there not anyone who could come and sit with you or even take your children for a couple of hours to give you some time to yourself? xx
     
  3. natasja32

    natasja32 Mum to 4 boys

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    INot really. MIL lives 2 hours away. Mum lives 5 mins up the road but she works and only gets bk from work at 7. Hubby has just gone back to work fulltime on Monday. I have a few friends,but they all work. The only one that doesnt has a baby so not really up to seeing her today.(i know that sounds cold,but i dont mean it the way it sounds) I suffered with bad post natal depression after having my toddler. Got so bad to the point where i was cutting myself,it just made me feel better.(Stupid i know) But ive been wanting to do that again since i lost my son. But have kept it at bay,but im struggling today,im finding that i have the urch to cut so bad today. Ugh i sound like such a nut job.Sorry to be so morbid....Thanks for replying and the advice.:hug:
     
  4. NickyT75

    NickyT75 RIP Sophie my angel

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    Sorry hun I dont have any experience with self harm or anything so I dont wanna get involved and possibly say something to make things worse iykwim?

    I think you should defo see a doctor ASAP tho :hug: xx
     
  5. sukisam

    sukisam Well-Known Member

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    You're not a bad mother, the grieving process is a long, unpredicatable process but you will come through it, I did when my first baby was born sleeping and I came home to no bump, no baby.
    It's so tough, I didn't have any other chidren so I don't know how it is for you. I suppose there will be times when having your other two will help you and other days like today where it will be hard to cope + be Mummy. I have to admit to having moods and shouting at my kids now without having just lost a baby!
    Please be kind to yourself + please, please get support.You really need to see your GP and get proper support.
    When did your baby die? Have you had any counselling or contacted someone like Sands (stillbirth + neonatal death), or bereavement organisations?

    Sending you lots of :hug:
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  6. natasja32

    natasja32 Mum to 4 boys

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    Bodhi was born sleeping on the 13march 09. Im sorry....just having a really bad day today. I have am in contact with sands and have an appointment with the grieve counseller. Looks like i will have to go to doctors,have to go back on my antidepressents. Have been doing so well,untill today. I am actually disappointed in myself. I have done so well without the tablets,to be honest im not keen on meds(any kind).Thanks for taking the time to reply and for the advice.:hugs:
     
  7. Dragonfly

    Dragonfly Mother of 4

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    Awww I am sorry to hear this. Your not a bad mother, that I seriously doubt! your here arnt you? your asking for help thats enough to show plus the giult at shouting at tottdler. Everyone boils up its natural. Its hard sometimes to have patience and yours has added grief to it. That cant be easy and its easy to see how you would explode. Self harming I done once but I was so annoyed at myself I really wanted to die and ended up shredding my arms with a blade instead. I dont know why I done that as its not something I would do but I had bad depression and a bad stage in my life. It was punishment, I felt I needed it. Not true I didnt its just how it came out and maybe thats how your grief is coming out here.Stop blaming yourself, your human.
    I found meds made me worse and went off them to, far beter with out the for me anyway. I was on meds when I cut myself.
    If you need tabs and they work take them, if they make you worse dont.
    Your so strong and brave. Its amazing what we can cope with.
    please talk in here if yuo need to. No one will judge you so dont judge yourself. x
     
  8. rachjim98

    rachjim98 I love my Family!!

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    Good Morning Natasja, please do not harm yourself for grieving. Your not a bad mom you did not do anything to deserve this happening to you. Sometimes Very bad things happen to really good people. I am a firm believe in what doesn't break us makes us stronger. Right now you feel broken only natural to feel this way. I still yell at my kids and it has been months. I wake up and have to make myself get up and make breakfast and tell myself (OK Rach today is going to be a good day) sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. Then my children tell their dad mom had a moment today Everyone has them.
    Your boys do not hate you! They may be sad but that is simply because they do not understand where you are, and how your life has benn turned upside down.

    TBH, my anti-depressant are just now starting to work where I do not cry everyday, or want to do something stupid and I have been taking them for almost 4 months. Please be kind to yourself, and give yourself a break sweetie, even if it is a bath while the toddler is napping or just walk outside if you feel your about to explode.

    Thinking of you and I hope you do go talk to someone about the wanting to harm yourself:hugs: Your boys and DH need you even if you do not think your doing good at the Moment your a wonderful Mom!!
    :hug:
     
  9. DiddyDons

    DiddyDons Guest

    Babe you are not a bad mother at all!! :hugs:
     
  10. hopedance

    hopedance Sam's mum and pregnant

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    you're not a bad mother hun, you're human just like the rest of us. nobody could expect you to be 100% after all that you have been through. i'm with you on not liking to take meds, but sometimes you just need that help to get through difficult times, so if they work, then i think it is better to take them. you'd never think less of a diabetic for taking their medication, and it is just the same with depression. i am on antidepressants too, i don't like taking them, but when you start feeling human again and being able to enjoy life, it really is worth it.

    i know you said you have an appointment through sands - will you be able to see them for as many sessions as you need or is it limited? if it is limited, it might be worth seeing your GP and asking them to refer you to someone to talk to as well, as often there can be long waiting lists so the sooner you get on them, the better.
     
  11. Chilli

    Chilli Very lucky Mum of 2 girls

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    Oh Natasja, I wish I was near you and could help take the waight off for a bit. I know how you feel as my toddler has to encounter my bad days. Right at the start a friend travelled for 2 hours just to take her out for the afternoon and give me some much needed breathing space. Is there anyway you can get this? Maybe if you let you MIL know that you need help she could come? If not I have thought I might make use of the creche/holiday club at my local sports centre. They have a fun time and I get to swim, get the endorphines going... do you have any facilities like that you could use? It's so difficult to know what to say to help you, but be sure YOU ARE A FAB MUM!!! I work with children who's parents would often rather get high/drunk/laid than care for their kids, they are the parents who need to improve - you care about your children and are conscious about how your mood is affecting them - that's good parenting!
    Also as others have said, seek professional help and know that there will be lots more good days soon!!!
     
  12. sukisam

    sukisam Well-Known Member

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    I'm glad you're going to see Sands what I found most useful was having a telehhone buddy, I found that more useful then the meetings although they were okay. I could call my buddy anytime and she was 5-6 years down the line + she was great.
    I think speak to your GP, you may need anti-depressants or you may work through it. To be honest when I was 3-4 weeks in (I think that's right for you), I wasn't really getting up or eating, I guess I could sleep in as I had no kids but I was pretty much a zombie. Even when I went back to work I wasn't really functioning (I'm a cancer nurse), dealing with other people's grief was too much.
    See what your GP says about the anti-depressants they can be really helpful but as someonelse said (sorry forgot your name) they can take a long time to kick in.
    Everyone's different with how they cope, only you will know what's right for you. i wanted a period and then another baby so didn't want anti-derpressants but if they get you through this + counselling take all you can! My GP was really helpful and looked into all the research for me re when to get pregnant again. I'm sorry if you're offended about me talking about getting pregnant it just worked for me. I know you'll never replace the baby you have lost and I'd never suggest that.
    It really does get easier I promise you, after a while you stop waking up sobbing, and the physical pain in your gut gets less + then it goes.
    Do you know why your little fella died? I went into fact finding missions and had an outpatient appt and wanted all possible information + I felt that gave me some control.
    Thinking of you alot today sending you more :hug:
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  13. Jkelmum

    Jkelmum Well-Known Member

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    Your not a bad mother ...I have to admit to loosin my temper with my 2yr old the odd time and thats just pregnant hormones ....I wish I was closer and you could send kids round to play for an hr or two when u needed to give u sometime to grieve without the children being there :hugs: It really does break my heart that theres nothing i can do to help you :hugs:
     
  14. CarCam

    CarCam WTT after 2nd MC :(

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    Please don't feel guilty. I am experiencing the same thing right now. I keep snapping at my little ones (and ignoring my husband!:)). Just take a few deep breaths and if you need to, leave the room for a few minutes. Lock yourself in a private room and play some music.

    I think that it is tremendously important to take time for yourself right now. Find something special to treat yourself with...a massage, pedicure, going to bed early...just find some YOU time and get some rest.

    Hang in there. {{{HUGS}}}
     
  15. gnomette

    gnomette mummy of 2 an 2 angels x

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    i know its hard to not feel guilty but you are not a bad mum! you are just doing what your body an feelings are telling you you need to do to cope! but i have no idea about self harming so i all i can do is echo what i have seen that has been said already and that is to see your doctor!! but asking for help must be difficult! big hugs an i am soo sorry for your loss :hug::hug:
     

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