Becoming a mom at 19 (or 20), on purpose...

[Canadienne]

So here's the situation... It's long, I'm so sorry.

I have a problem with my reproductive organs. They are slowly getting worse and worse. I've had 3 doctors tell me that if I want to have my own child ever, I have to do it NOW. I'm not sure about this... I never planned or wanted to be a teen/young mom. I wanted to be married and in my career, then have children. I've always been VERY responsible with sex, because I didn't want to "ruin my life". I really want my own child though, very badly. For personal reasons, I don't want to adopt. I was adopted and it's been hell. To add, adopting a healthy child isn't easy at all and can take over 10 years or never happen, I've looked into it. Surrogacy isn't an option later on because in Canada, you cannot pay a surrogate, so of course hardly anyone wants to do it. There is also no law saying the surrogate has to give you the child, so she could essentially steal my baby.

The baby would be born around the time I turn(ed) 20. I've talked to my boyfriend about it, who's 24 (25 when the baby's born). We have a GREAT relationship and plan to get engaged in a year. Surprisingly he said he's fine with having a baby with me right now. He's an amazing man and will be a great dad, regardless of if we end up breaking up. He would stay by my side through everything and always be there for his child. I know this. You have no idea how amazing he is. So on that note, I know my child would always have their dad. His parents are also supportive. Not completely supportive as I'm young, we aren't married and haven't been together a super long time. But they are ready for grandchildren, really like me, know I make him happy, know this is what he wants and want to help out.

I'm in university, I just finished my first year. I'd be taking the coming year off, than going back to university. At that point the baby would be a year and a half, give or take. When I'm done university I'm going to have a really good career, making about $80,000/year. My boyfriends parents want to help completely while I go through university, as well as my boyfriend. He said he will do anything to make sure I get through university. My boyfriend is in college right now, and has one semester left. He works the night shift and takes night classes so he would be available during the day/early evening. I know it would be hard doing the night by myself. I have $12,000 saved that was supposed to be for a vacation, but it would go towards the baby. My minor in university involves child developmental psychology, so I do know a lot about what they need at what ages to proper develop.

But I still just don't know. No matter who I talk to, I just can't come to a decision. Whether is doctors, family, friends, therapists, etc. So now I'm turning here. Maybe people with actual experience being teen/young moms can help me out. Let me know if you think it's a good or bad decision. I've never been a mom, so I don't know. Of course you can't make the decision for me, but any opinion will really help me.

I should add. My boyfriend would marry me right now. But we want to be financially secure, be able to afford our "dream wedding" and start a marriage right (done school, in careers, financially secure). We don't want a bad start to a marriage.

 

[lunar]

Hello, I didn't want to read&run.. It sounds like you're in a really tough position, but you seem very level-headed and like you've thought everything through. I'm not a mom (but will be) and I hope you don't mind me posting a little insight on here from your post.

Having a baby I don't think would be a bad start to a marriage. Plenty of people have children before they're married and go on to be perfectly happy. (And statistically, people who live together before marriage and then choose to get married are more likely to divorce than those who don't marry & live together permanently!) Having a baby will not stop you from having a dream wedding or taking a dream vacation. It might prevent it or stall it for a little while, but if you're going to be doing so well financially, you sound like with planning and time you could afford them both.

While having a baby will make it harder for you to finish school, it won't be impossible, just require more time/effort. If you really think that you won't be able to conceive in your later years, you might really look back and regret that you didn't take the chance. When you're "ready" your body might not be, and you could be facing a difficult road of TTC.

Either way, I wish you luck in whichever path you take!

 

[helloeveryone]

hi know one can tell you what to do of course but for me i got pregnant when i was 19 and was 20 when she was born..(baby was planned )
For me is was one of the best things i have done, I now have 6 children and so glad i started early so i could have my big family there is 2 or 3 yeas gap between them all.....

If you didn't have a problem what age would you of liked to have a baby??

 

[ChesMik4eva]

Hey there. Sorry you're having all this put on your shoulders so soon, it's a lot to be told.

I'm 19 and will be 20 when my son is born, and he was planned. My OH and I have lived together for 2 years and we're both in stable jobs with enough support and money to have this child. I won't be working after I have him, I'll start university after he's 1 and study to become a midwife. I just want to give you some reassurance that even though we planned this pregnancy and I'm SO excited to be a mum, there are still times I'm unsure and get scared. It's totally normal. I don't know if anyone is ever 100% "ready" for a baby. You just have to have confidence that you can do it and be ready for the changes to come. There will be hard times but there will also be a million more good times.

In your case, I would think about doing it soon. If you know deep down you really want children and this is your only chance, you might regret it later on if you wait and then cannot conceive. Whereas, you'll NEVER regret having your child. There will always be that fear in the back of your mind but as long as you feel good and stay positive then having a baby is a beautiful special thing that you'll never regret.

I wish you the best and feel free to private message me if you want to talk. X

 

[lynn1216]

wow hun your in such a tough sitution! Honestly i feel for you girl!

but im 20 about to turn 21 but still, and me and hubby have been married for over 2 years. we are TTC. so yes we are young but being young doesnt make you a bad mom.

Honestly, I think u guys should go for it! If you dont, it will be a decision that you will always regret when your friends have kids and your parents want grandchildren, and YOU want kids. U can always go back to school but if having a family is a big thing for u, id go ahead and do it!

also thats AWESOME how supportive your fiance is!

 

[Mb2012]

If you feel like you guys are ready go for it. No one is 100% ready for a baby when it comes no matter your age or financial situation because all babies aren't the same and they don't come with a manual. Expect it to be hard sometimes but there are easy days as well, my daughter wasn't planned but she is absolutely the best thing to ever happen to me I wouldn't change being a mom for anything.

If I were in your situation I'd go for it with or without your boyfriend you can be a great mom so regardless of how your relationship goes you can still be a perfect mom. I'm not saying you should expect for you two to break up but things happen bringing a baby into a relationship is stressful sometimes. Do you have any sort of time frame for how long you'll still be able to have a baby? Honestly if you have the time I'd hold off until you finished school, regardless of how old your child would be when you went back it's hard juggling that stuff. I'm not in school right now so personally I can't tell you how difficult/easy it is I can only go by what I've seen from girls on here and teen moms I know personally. You'll surely have the drive to finish but at the same time you may have the drive to be a stay at home mom and no longer want a career.

 

[Canadienne]

I always planned on having children at 24/25. I wanted to be done university first. I have to finished my bachelors, get my masters and wanted to do my PhD. But the PhD will have to wait, which is fine. Everyone is completely supportive that I finish university. My boyfriend said he would stay at home all the time if he had too, he wants me to finish. His parents want to help a lot too. My family is completely unsupportive. I'm not close with them anyways, so it's not a big deal to me. His parents treat me like a daughter, and that works great for me.

I did ask about how long I have. I got 3 different time frames. But they all average 1-2 years. So not long at all. Because of that, we'd have to start trying right away.

What you are all saying is really helping though. I don't know any young moms, so I don't have anyone who can relate to talk to. This really helps. I can't talk to my boyfriend too much. I do a lot, but he doesn't get it. He's almost 25, he's ready to be married, have kids etc. So for him this is all fine. For me, it's stressful. The whole "Have a baby now or you never will" isn't how I planned it at all. It's not like I'll miss being a teen. I never drink, never do drugs, never party, never have and never wanted to. I much prefer staying home. I just thought it would turn on differently. I can't get the "I'm not ready to be a mom" fear out of my head. It's not an ideal situation, but I know we'd be really good parents.

 

[Mb2012]

I always planned on having children at 24/25. I wanted to be done university first. I have to finished my bachelors, get my masters and wanted to do my PhD. But the PhD will have to wait, which is fine. Everyone is completely supportive that I finish university. My boyfriend said he would stay at home all the time if he had too, he wants me to finish. His parents want to help a lot too. My family is completely unsupportive. I'm not close with them anyways, so it's not a big deal to me. His parents treat me like a daughter, and that works great for me.

I did ask about how long I have. I got 3 different time frames. But they all average 1-2 years. So not long at all. Because of that, we'd have to start trying right away.

What you are all saying is really helping though. I don't know any young moms, so I don't have anyone who can relate to talk to. This really helps. I can't talk to my boyfriend too much. I do a lot, but he doesn't get it. He's almost 25, he's ready to be married, have kids etc. So for him this is all fine. For me, it's stressful. The whole "Have a baby now or you never will" isn't how I planned it at all. It's not like I'll miss being a teen. I never drink, never do drugs, never party, never have and never wanted to. I much prefer staying home. I just thought it would turn on differently. I can't get the "I'm not ready to be a mom" fear out of my head. It's not an ideal situation, but I know we'd be really good parents.

This is your life your family doesn't have to be supportive of your decisions you both are adults. Your OH sounds like a great guy but I totally understand the whole 'not understanding' thing. My OH will be 23 this year and to him having a baby wasn't that big of a deal because he'd already lived his life so to say. Honestly it sounds like you've already made your decision and based on everything you've said it sounds like your both ready to start trying. Just make sure this is what you want, you both need to sit down (if you haven't) and weigh the pros and cons of this situation, make a game plan for how you want things to go and think (I know it's probably hard) about what you guys would do if you can't conceive (because I assume it's a possibility based on what you've said.)

I think you mentioned you guys would get married or engaged (can't really remember which sorry) I can't stress it enough that you guys do not run into that head first I know you want to do things the right way but your having a baby together that's a commitment in it's own way, see how things go, how you guys handle all your hormones while pregnant, how you two feel when you have to get up at 3:54am to feed the baby and he/she just got up at 1:32 and you know he has to work but you just would love some help (sorry to sound like a downer.)

Edit: And I don't think anyone is really 'ready to be a mom' it's hard and there are 9999999 things to decide/figure out. Every little step in the process from being pregnant to having your child is a trial and it's all basically a guessing game you have no idea what will work for your baby. Like I said they don't come with a manual and I don't care if your 35, own a house, 3 cars, are married, and have $100,000 in the bank a baby is going to rock your world regardless of all of that.

 

[Canadienne]

We aren't going to rush in engagement or marriage. He would, he's ready and says he knows I'm who he will be with the rest of his life. But I'm holding off. We won't be getting engaged until next summer, at the very earliest. And we wouldn't be getting married until I'm done school. That is what I wanted before thinking about a baby, and I'm sticking to that. There is the part of me that wants to run away right now and get married, but I know for sure that we won't do that.

 

[Mb2012]

Ahh okay. I have a few more questions though, after this baby if you could still conceive and have another would you right away? I'm just trying to understand if your going to be okay with just the one or if you plan on trying to conceive repeatedly until your time is up iykwim? Also how come your family isn't supportive? Are you sure that down the line that isn't going to affect you? Like say during labor or when you first have ultrasound pictures and want to share with your mom. I understand his family treats you like one of your own but you have a family are you not going to want them involved in your child's life?

 

[MrsEngland]

Wow that's a big decision on your shoulders.

I fell pregnant for the first time at 18 and my daughter was born when I was 19, now I'm 20 and this baby will be born when I'm 21. Both were planned, I'm married we own our own house and hubby has a decent income and we both wanted to be parents.

Having a baby doesn't have to put all your other plans out of the question you just might have to postpone them. I guess it comes down to what's important to you, if its having a family then go for it as long as u have the support to do so and if not then u have your answer I think.

Its a big decision for you and your OH I hope you have your answer soon and are at peace with it

 

[Canadienne]

Well I always wanted to have 3-4 kids, but that won't happen. Which is okay. My boyfriend wanted 2-3. I don't plan on trying again. I'd have about a year left to try, and I wouldn't want to be pregnant back to back. I don't think. To be honest, I didn't really think about that. I just assumed that we'd always just have the one baby. My doctor did mention IVF, with the intentions of getting two embryos to implant (twins). But I'd rather do it naturally, at least try. And one baby is hard enough, two would be so much harder. In the long run, I think I'd be happier if I did have twins, but I'm just not sure about it. I know there is no for sure that both embryos (or any) would work.

My family thinks I should be done school, in a career, financially stable and married before I have children. They think that 19 is way too young and that I'm being very irresponsible. I never hear the end of "Think of the child, not yourself. Sure, you want a baby, but that child deserves the absolute best." I've tried to make them understand where I'm coming from, but they just tell me to adopt. They adopted me because they couldn't conceive.

My adoption was hell and they completely turned me off from it. I can honestly say that over the years I've come to hate my adoptive parents. I know hate is a strong word, but it's true. I realized this when my adoptive dad was in the hospital with a very serious heart condition, and I didn't care one bit. It didn't even faze me. My adoptive mom had bladder cancer and not once did I ask or care how she was doing. I know that makes me sound like a terrible person, but I'm really not.

The only time I have ever felt like I had a mom, was when I meant my boyfriends mom. I even call her mom now, which I've never called my adoptive mom. She doesn't have a daughter so she loves spending time with me. And I love it too. To me, my adoptive parents were just the people who's roof I lived under, not parents, not a family. During delivery my boyfriend and his mom will be in the room. I actually spend more time with her than my boyfriend does.

A brief summary of my adoption, maybe to help people understand so I don't seem so terrible. My dad murdered my mom when I was 3 years old. I was placed with my dad parents for a year, but somehow someone found out that they were physically and sexually abusive to me. At this point I was 4 and had a 2 year old half-brother. My adoptive parents wanted my brother, but they were required to take me as well. They only wanted my brother. And they have never let me forget this. To them, I am the daughter of a murderer and the granddaughter of a child molester, a waste of air. My brother has a different father, a "normal" father. They have always favored my brother and treated him like gold. Yet, they never knew my birthday. As soon as I was 18, I was out of there and never looked back. They will never be in my child's life. I do have contact with my dads family, but they will never be in my child's life either. That whole family is abusive and controlling. In my opinion, the man who murdered my mother has no right to watch his grandchild grow up. Nor do the people who have supported him all these years. It does suck that my child will only have their dads side of the family and it's not fair to the child. But a small family is better than a abusive, hateful, mean family.

My adoptive parents taught me how to hate, my boyfriend and his family taught me how to love.

 

[sp92]

I just wanted to give you . You're in such a tough position, one which I don't envy at all, and I hope that you make the right decision for you and your partner. Good luck with everything. xx

 

[amotherslove]

it's a hard choice.. i think it's up to you.. personally.. i would do it. but that's me.. having a baby.. is my whole life.. but i warn you.. don't count on anything working out the way you want.. not that it can't it may (and i hope for you it does) even people you think could never leave can walk away i'm rooting for you no matter what you decide.

 

[xforuiholdonx]

This decision is up to solely you. Noone els can make it for you.
My LO was planned when I was just 17, after an mmc at nearly 13 weeks. We are married, have lived on our since I was 13 weeks pregnant, and are doing great. LO will be two soon.

 

[JessPape]

First off, welcome to the board! You only live roughly 2 hours from me, don't see that too often on here! Anyways I want to say, you sound like me.

I say if you guys are ready, comfortable and able to do it, go ahead. You seem very level headed and you guys have obviously sat down and spoke abou it, which that alone takes a very mature person to do on its own.

I moved out of my parents house at 16, moved in with my boyfriend at 18, got engaged at 19, built our first house at 20, got married at 21(the DAY after my 21st birthday in Mexico), 6 months later we were expecting our first baby, whos due any day now..

Short story over the long story, we had a five year plan after the wedding, but i figured there will never be a GOOD time to have a baby, unless of course we are both jobless. So we decied to Not try not prevent, litterly the same month we feel pregnant, (I kinda knew this would happen).

Together we made about $160,000 a year, so we were in a good finical postions, however, I did end up loosing my job at 20 weeks, due to lack of clients which we had a feeling would happen but we hoped it would have been after the baby.. Not a big deal, I still got my Mat.Leave, it was $40/bi weekly less than I exected but whatever.

Needless to say, I think if you both are ready, being married means nothing. Not everyone owns a house in Canada, not everyone spends thounsands of dollars on baby stuff. I've found nice effective ways to save money(not that we need too) cloth diapers, breastfeeding, ect.

I think if your both ready, and given your health you may regret not jumping the bullet later, go for it. The worst that can happen is you guys can seprete. However, you both seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and are mature, so even if that happens Im gonna go on a limb and say you'll be fine even than.

 

[mixedbeautyx]

Very interesting thread. I think a lot of the girls here have pretty much gave a lot of good advice so I'll keep my posting as short and sweet as possible

I'd say go for it! My pregnancy was planned and for pretty much the same reason as yours. The fact that one day I may never be able to have kids of my own naturally. I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2010 which resulted to losing my left fallopian tube. I then had the dye test done (cant remember what it was called!!!) to see if my other tube was functional. At the time the my obgyn said the test comes back inconclusive. So they were unsure if my right tube was good enough to allow me to conceive. I now know that I can definitely infact get pregnant, I thought it would never happen! I cried all the time at the thought. I didn't want to take my chance because the older you get the less fertile you become (thus would make it even more difficult). I also wanted to do things naturally. It took me about a year to conceive. The next pregnancy ended in a chemical (November 2012), I was devastated, felt like I had been tricked!! And the next month I ended up getting another BFP (December 2012!!) talk about surprising!! I would of thought again, that is would never happen. So long story short, I am pregnant with my miracle baby boy. Sorry for such the long background story.

You sound very mature as if you have everything planned perfectly, you are technically an adult age wise and I feel like you should do whatever you think is best. If its a now or never thing, I'd do it now since you may never have the opportunity again. A child is such a blessing and you don't want to miss out on not being able to have kid(s) in the future.

I do have a question for you though, if you were to get pregnant naturally and have the baby.. would you be able to in the future have more kid(s) through IVF if you wanted?

 

[Canadienne]

IVF probably won't be an option later on, we did look into it a lot. I would be willing to do it. I would for sure prefer to have children naturally, but IVF is better than nothing. I'm going to be having eggs frozen though, and embryos as well, just in case. Right now I only have one ovary and one fallopian tube (and my uterus of course). The organs are basically mutating together... I had my other ovary and tube removed and they surgery took almost 4 hours. The normal time is 1 hour, according to my surgeon.

My boyfriend and I have talked and planned A LOT, especially about making embryos. Anything can happen and we could break up. It would be terrible if we broke up and I had no eggs left, and they only ones I had were fertilized with his sperm. Which is why I'm having eggs frozen as well. But there is a better success rate with embryos, so we want to do that. We spent about 8 hours talking about what to do with the embryos if we broke up, he died, etc. And we've come to conclusions, with a lawyer, for everything. Which is really good.

The doctors don't expect my other ovary to have more than 2 years. Right now, my uterus seems fine, which is good. But they said to not keep my hopes up that I won't lose it eventually.


Everything you guys are saying is really helping. It feels good to have people that I can talk to who actually understand.

 

[AP]

Thread closed

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