Bedrest and loneliness

[ttcmoon]

Hi ladies,

I am going to rant here. Sorry for being a nagger but I need to vent and at this moment I dont think I have anybody but this community to do that.
Currently I am 25 weeks pregnant and totally confined to bed for pretty long time due to many pregnancy complications. I had 2 miscarriages and long history of frustrating infertility, which landed me into ivf. That was an episode of my life. Fertility treatment is both mentally and financially draining. And definitely physically as sell..so many injections, medicines then a failed cycle while all others can get pregnant so easily. During my infertility journey almost everyone asked me about my family planning andbut most dint acknowledge my tough determination. In country like India with so much population infertile ladies are treated as aliens. Such a mentally draining phase it has been. We poured all our resources to get pregnant....

Then during ivf I ran into OHSS and ended up in tremendous pain. In next cycle we did FET and I got pregnant with twins. I was at cloud nine! And just after few weeks we lost one of my precious bubs. Doctor also found a SCH. Given my history I was put in bed rest from 7th week. I was also under daily progesterone injection and clexane injection. But still hopeful! I chose to ignore all stings of 180 ( 3 month course of daily 2 injections) injections and be on bed.
Despite of all these I started bleeding profusely on 16th week. It was just horrible bleed...soaking pads within an hour. We rushed to ER and they got me admitted to ICU. And administeres numerous antibiotics, packets of plasma, injections, saline...just name it. The baby had heart beat still I kept listening its not "viable". " you would miscarry anytime". I remained 13 days in hospital and came back again with bed rest. I bled for 4 weeks. Such a horrible time it was. Everyday I felt like losing my precious 4th baby. As my bleeding was too much I was even offered to terminate. I chose to change my ob!
The reason for my bleed was the miscarried sac, which should have dissapeared by then remained just above my cervix, trying to miscarry....
I lost my job...as its been more than 4 months alteady and I am not sure when I can join back. I had a pretty successful career because of which I could spend for fertility treatment for years. And it was something which made me different from other women with no fertility issues and babies. Dont get me wrong here but I was pretty vontent being a professional. But I resigned as baby is more important for me.
I again got hospitalised on 31st dec as my blood clotting factors went out of whack and spent new year there.
Now after 18 weeks of bed rest I feel so lonely. Hubby is ever busy with work. As I lost my job anyway he has to work more. We have huge debts on head. I thank God daily for giving me at least an opportunity to become a mom. But still I feel so lonely all the time. Friends are either unmarried or had kids like cakewalk. They cant relate. All are busy in life..office etc. I keep tossing and turning alone on bed for full day. I don't share with people much because until you are in a particular position you cant really understand. I am so jealous of preggy ladies doing yoga, roaming around.
Now I just wish to reach 28th week so I can get my steroid shots. Each day seem so long. 28th week is too far...I am depressed and always get bad thoughts about this pregnancy... All I know is I tried my best..

Sorry for such a big rant. But I lost interest in everything. Why me? Why I have to suffer for everything? I am bored of advices .

I feel so worthless. I am neither fertile nor good at cooking babies. And now I lost my job too!

 

[k4th]

aww hun. This sounds really difficult!

I have pcos & was ttc for 2 years this time around - nothing compared to your journey, but I understand the "not even fertile" thoughts I also have a blood disorder (my blood doesn't clot as I have low platelet levels) so I'm high risk. Again - nothing compared to you - but still I have a little insight.

Have you tried anything to keep you busy? When I was first diagnosed with itp (the blood disorder) I was house bound apart from hospital visits. It drove me insane. I joined 'Pinterest' - an online crafty community. And then I took up crochet. It's a bit twee but it kept my mind focused, was cheap and was better than going crazy!! Have you thought of taking up a simple hobby to pass the time?? You should also think about talking to your doctor if you think you're getting depressed

You've been through a hard journey. And have some still to come but when you get your baby in your arms it will pale & you will be a wonderful mother. Just look at the lengths you've gone to!! I'll be counting down the next three weeks for you!!!

 

[LadyBug923]

Wow my heart breaks for you as I read this! I can't even imagine to be in your position and I applaud you for holding it together and staying so strong! I'm so happy that even through the negativity of your OB and doctors you overcame it and baby is still healthy! You should really give yourself a pat on the shoulder for that. Just remember that without rain we would have no rainbows. And without darkness there would be no stars! You will make it and everything your going through will be so worth it to hold that precious baby in your arms.

 

[ttcmoon]

aww hun. This sounds really difficult!

I have pcos & was ttc for 2 years this time around - nothing compared to your journey, but I understand the "not even fertile" thoughts I also have a blood disorder (my blood doesn't clot as I have low platelet levels) so I'm high risk. Again - nothing compared to you - but still I have a little insight.

Have you tried anything to keep you busy? When I was first diagnosed with itp (the blood disorder) I was house bound apart from hospital visits. It drove me insane. I joined 'Pinterest' - an online crafty community. And then I took up crochet. It's a bit twee but it kept my mind focused, was cheap and was better than going crazy!! Have you thought of taking up a simple hobby to pass the time?? You should also think about talking to your doctor if you think you're getting depressed

You've been through a hard journey. And have some still to come but when you get your baby in your arms it will pale & you will be a wonderful mother. Just look at the lengths you've gone to!! I'll be counting down the next three weeks for you!!!

I know the baby can actually ease all my pains and I would probably be able to restart my career too..
And at this point I dont want to give up too. I would definitely check the site. Stitching, crochet sounds good! Thanks for the idea. I am trying to learn German. But I just can not concentrate in anything.
I tried to talk to my doctor about my depression. But here most women do not work and no one appreciates working women. My mil, mom never worked too. None of my lady cousins work...so for them 7 years of work life I had was more than enough. I should just concentrate on family. But you know people are different they have different needs. I did my engineering to live a different life. So work loss related depression- not understood. Thats why I turned to this forum as life styles of women from UK, US are more open in this case...
Now baby and fertility depression- most ppl say its the primary goal of a woman's life so keep trying. Many have seen more difficulties. But no actual compassion. Only pity. I hate to be pitied.

I would be really grateful if I get your support for next 3 weeks (I hope more). I really need you beside. Thanks again!

 

[ttcmoon]

Wow my heart breaks for you as I read this! I can't even imagine to be in your position and I applaud you for holding it together and staying so strong! I'm so happy that even through the negativity of your OB and doctors you overcame it and baby is still healthy! You should really give yourself a pat on the shoulder for that. Just remember that without rain we would have no rainbows. And without darkness there would be no stars! You will make it and everything your going through will be so worth it to hold that precious baby in your arms.

Your words are so soothing! Thanks a lot for the support.

 

[Pregnantat31]

I remember years of the feelings of despair of trying to conceive and the pain of the miscarriages. It is hard and after a while it makes you question your value as a woman. I can only imagine what you are feeling right now, but I was once in a similar situation. I honestly believe prayer got me this baby that I now carry. My husband and I both prayed for a miracle together.. And we received this blessing. So I would advise you to try the same..prayer works if you have faith in it.

I wish you well on your journey to motherhood.

 

[k4th]

The beauty of crochet (or similar) is that it doesn't take much focused thought. You can still be thinking of the things you want to while your hands are busy. It's a strange kind of focus. There is some research to suggest knitting/crochet can ease anxiety due to the way it draws your attention, is repetitive and still allows some thinking space. Clearly I really like it lol!!

I'm very proud of my career too. In some ways it defines who I am and how I think of myself. I imagine I'd feel lost if that part of my identity suddenly went AWOL. I also imagine it was a bigger part of your identity because it was so different to the women around you. you are still an engineer - you have the qualifications, the patterns of thinking and not being at work doesn't stop that.

I would live to join you on your journey hun. Let me know what you think of Pinterest if you join - I warn you though it can be addictive. If you're still on in three years don't blame me

 

[mummytobe_93]

My heart really does go out to you and I'm sorry you've had to go out there. All of this will make holding your baby in your arms a million times more special, keep on remembering that. And it will be your miracle baby.

I imagine it's very depressing, boring and lonely you name it on bed rest with nothing to do. But remember you have done most of jt. Three more weeks and you'll have steroid injections that's it, only three more weeks and then any week after that your baby chooses to stay inside is a bonus! (I know you may not feel this way)

Do you have any hobbies? Knitting for baby? Reading? Etc
I don't really know what else to say, other than one day you'll look back at this rough patch and realise every single second was worth it x

 

[mummytobe_93]

Go through this*

 

[dreamofabean]

Ah honey what a stressful time! No at all what you would have wanted considering th journey you have already been on just keep your faith that things will work out ok.
Infertility totally sucks, you know I've been there too and it totally broke me for quite a long time. I think it's one of those demons that always remains with you, even once you have your little family
My dh works shifts and I can totally empathise with feeling lonely, I used to find it so hard before we had E. However once your little one is here you will cherish the moments you have them to yourself! Hee hee!
Big hugs xx

 

[CormacksGirl]

No advice hun just wanted to send hugs!x

 

[ttcmoon]

My heart really does go out to you and I'm sorry you've had to go out there. All of this will make holding your baby in your arms a million times more special, keep on remembering that. And it will be your miracle baby.

I imagine it's very depressing, boring and lonely you name it on bed rest with nothing to do. But remember you have done most of jt. Three more weeks and you'll have steroid injections that's it, only three more weeks and then any week after that your baby chooses to stay inside is a bonus! (I know you may not feel this way)

Do you have any hobbies? Knitting for baby? Reading? Etc
I don't really know what else to say, other than one day you'll look back at this rough patch and realise every single second was worth it x

Yes I actually bought a stitch kit. I never did much of that but would love to learn. I am practically a book worm but doing it lying on side position is very difficult.
Getting you all beside is definitely a huge bonus. I am feeling better and motivated.

You rightly captured my feelings. I really want the baby to be inside much longer. If bed rest is inevitable, I am ok. Here viability is 28th week so OB wont administer the steroids before that. I am stitching something would share soon. Thanks all!

 

[ttcmoon]

Ah honey what a stressful time! No at all what you would have wanted considering th journey you have already been on just keep your faith that things will work out ok.
Infertility totally sucks, you know I've been there too and it totally broke me for quite a long time. I think it's one of those demons that always remains with you, even once you have your little family
My dh works shifts and I can totally empathise with feeling lonely, I used to find it so hard before we had E. However once your little one is here you will cherish the moments you have them to yourself! Hee hee!
Big hugs xx

Yes sweet heart, I know well about your journey and your small man. I followed you all the time. And I admire the way you handled everything. I know what I am going through is temporary. Just such a prolonged infertility journey and now hard pregnancy broke my confidence.
I am happy to have you beside and it would definitely work out this time!

 

[dreamofabean]

It sucks Hun, but just keep that final goal insight now. You CAN do this! You WILL be holding a beautiful baby at the end of this journey!

 

[adr75050]

ttcmoon,

I can relate to your frustration and wondering why you. I have struggled iwth infertility for 3 years now. I had surgery, 4 failed IVF's, one failed FET and finally got my BFP on my 2nd FET. We sold our house to afford this and have acquired INSANE debt and money problems in our efforts to have a child. My employer is very "hands off" and does not micro manage so she has been fine with all my absences for my appointments, but I have been wanting to advance my career and look for something new. For three years I have stayed put at my current employer bc I knew any other job would fire me for my excessive absences for medical appointments. Every IVF or FET round I have had 3 days of bed rest, so every round I have to take off (not counting every other day doctor appts and blood tests). I understand your frustration and depression with continuous injections and questioning why it has to be so difficult. I am not currently on bed rest and have never been given bed rest as long as you have but I just found out I am pregnant and with my IVF history and a hypothyroid diagnosis I am fearful that I may be given bed rest in the future. But I wanted you to know that I am familiar with your sacrifice of career to have a baby, and I understand your loneliness. I am inspired by your strength and willingness to fight for your baby. I wish you the best of luck and am on the boards regularly so I will check in with you!

 

[ttcmoon]

ttcmoon,

I can relate to your frustration and wondering why you. I have struggled iwth infertility for 3 years now. I had surgery, 4 failed IVF's, one failed FET and finally got my BFP on my 2nd FET. We sold our house to afford this and have acquired INSANE debt and money problems in our efforts to have a child. My employer is very "hands off" and does not micro manage so she has been fine with all my absences for my appointments, but I have been wanting to advance my career and look for something new. For three years I have stayed put at my current employer bc I knew any other job would fire me for my excessive absences for medical appointments. Every IVF or FET round I have had 3 days of bed rest, so every round I have to take off (not counting every other day doctor appts and blood tests). I understand your frustration and depression with continuous injections and questioning why it has to be so difficult. I am not currently on bed rest and have never been given bed rest as long as you have but I just found out I am pregnant and with my IVF history and a hypothyroid diagnosis I am fearful that I may be given bed rest in the future. But I wanted you to know that I am familiar with your sacrifice of career to have a baby, and I understand your loneliness. I am inspired by your strength and willingness to fight for your baby. I wish you the best of luck and am on the boards regularly so I will check in with you!

You really had a very hard journey dear. Loads of hugs for you. I can understand how hard it is to cope in these situation.
I have been with this employer for last 5 yrs. I expected them to understand! But policies are not so good you know! Its a big esteemed international bank. Probably my luck.
Indian maternity policy allows 6 week s before delivery and 6 weeks after. Mine is pretty far so they dint agree even for without pay. I am even not allowed to work from home. Doctor ordered me to avoid sitting for long.
When is your EDD? 2 ivf's then FET's must have been so tough. I would like to join your journey.

 

[adr75050]

ttcmoon

I dont have a EDD yet bc I am so early. They say by the time they transfer the embryo and you test positive you are four weeks along. So I am 5 weeks today. I have my first sono on 2/10 at 6 weeks. I am just praying everything is okay. Im sure you can relate, but when it has been such a hard road and such a long journey you just feel like you are never "out of the woods" and in the clear to breathe a sigh of relief. With all the feedback you have received about your pregnancy from doctors I am sure you know exactly what I mean. If they dont want you sitting for long periods, does that mean you have to lay down most of the day?

 

[ttcmoon]

ttcmoon

I dont have a EDD yet bc I am so early. They say by the time they transfer the embryo and you test positive you are four weeks along. So I am 5 weeks today. I have my first sono on 2/10 at 6 weeks. I am just praying everything is okay. Im sure you can relate, but when it has been such a hard road and such a long journey you just feel like you are never "out of the woods" and in the clear to breathe a sigh of relief. With all the feedback you have received about your pregnancy from doctors I am sure you know exactly what I mean. If they dont want you sitting for long periods, does that mean you have to lay down most of the day?

Yes, I keep lying mostly on my sides. Same has been going on since October beginning.
I started sitting a bit as my sides hurt so much. Reading book is pretty difficult while on sides.

All the best for your pregnancy. Everything will be great. 2/10 is not far! I have a sono on 2/14.

 

[ttcmoon]

 

[DSemcho]

Hey Moon!! I'm moving over to this forum now lol. Also aside from the other suggestion I made, idk if you read but the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series by Laurell K Hamilton has like 20 books in it... It gets kinda porny at Blue Moon but it's still a good book. Also the Dark-Hunter series by Sherrilyn Kenyon is an amazing paranormal romance series.