Best Friend Dilemma and Kids

[tag74]

A little off topic but related to the new baby. My best friend of 30 years is an alcoholic. She's beautiful and generous but when she she starts drinking, she becomes the devil. Everyone has given up on her, including her family...but me. But during this pregnancy, especially since I'm not drinking, her behavior is just overbearing and appears to be worse. I am so relieved she can't make my baby shower because of a business trip. I just never know which friend will show up.

On New Years eve during a low key family get together - she got so drunk and started hanging on my 12 year old, slurring her words and kissing her. I hated every second of it as I didn't want my daughter to see her auntie that way. I actually confronted her a few days later as her behavior went above and beyond that incident...to actually making a pass at my husband as well. She cried real tears and was mortified. She seemed to "take it easy" for the next couple of months.

This past weekend I went to her home for dinner as her mom was in town visiting. She proceeded to get drunk and absolutely verbally abuse her mom the whole evening. Her mom look disgusted and embarrassed. I left a couple hours later claiming to be tired.

Here's my REAL dilemma: She really wants to babysit my daughter now 13 when I go into labor and keeps repeating how she can't wait to babysit the new baby. It just isn't happening. We went on vacation in November and I didn't even ask her to watch our cats. I just didn't trust her. I know her well enough that she is going to keep insisting on babysitting both of my kids and I don't know how to handle without getting into an argument with her. Is it avoidable? I didn't know if any of you ladies had experience in this department. She's literally an extension to my family- but there is no way I'll leave my prized possessions including my husband alone with her.

 

[Mum2BKW]

Tricky one.... I understand you don't want to hurt your friends feelings but she certainly doesn't seem responsible enough to look after your baby!

Do you have parents/siblings nearby who you could say get 'first dibs' on babysitting duties - that way if it ever comes up you can be all apologetic and say that xxx has already insisted.

 

[tag74]

I love that idea. Thank you for responding. Unfortunately, I moved when I married my husband and my family is out of state.

I did call my cousin who lives out of state to beg her to come. She totally agreed as she knows the situation but she lives 2 hours away. I may just have to bring DD (Dear Daughter) to the hospital until she arrives. I just know how insistent DD (Dear Drunk) can be. It's so stressful.

(Welcome to third tri by the way!)

 

[sjminimac]

Yup - with my mum. She now knows in no uncertain terms. I feel your pain x

 

[lmp1505768]

I feel like if its gotten this bad, it might just be time to tell it like it is. Tell her that you need to make your kids your priority, not her desire to watch them. At some point she's going to realize that you're putting her off anyways so you might as well just be honest about it now. besides it might just be the wake up call she needs.

We went through this with my husband's mom. So I totally understand its hard, but sometimes the truth is best :/

 

[AlesiaNicole]

Absolutely what the PP said. You are a true friend to stick by her but you are doing her no favors by trying to spare her feelings. She isn't trustworthy and maybe hearing it from her last remaining supporter will prompt her to get help. Or maybe it won't. Maybe she'll get angry and not talk to you for a while. But that is HER CHOICE and her disease. You are not responsible for that at all. Tell her the truth. And I'd honestly not want her around my newborn even if I were present. It's a tough situation, but it's hers to deal with, not yours. Good luck. *hugs*

 

[MamaFlick]

I'm having this same problem with my mother. She's an alcoholic and I don't know what to do. I don't trust her not to drink while babysitting. Luckily she lives many hours away so hopefully I won't have to deal with it...

 

[sue_88]

You sound like a real hero for sticking by her when she has cleary tried your patience in the past.

As you are so close - I would be honest with her. That whilst you can't wait for her to MEET the new baby, babysitting duties will have to be earned after recent behaviour over the last few months.

If she can prove she wants to be a part of your life & stay close with your children, hopefully your words will be a wake up call and not taken in a negative way.

 

[tag74]

Thanks everyone. I know she knows she screwed up. I haven't heard from her since dinner with her mother and I know she isn't sure how I'm feeling. I think you're right at the end I have to be honest to protect my girls. So so hard.