Birth Parents - Feelings

[pinkneon]

I'm a Birth Parent. Well, I guess every one knew that. Just wondered if there are any others out there, who can relate to how I feel?

Life can sometimes be hard - Birthdays and Anniversaries are the worst. All you want it to hold your child close, and you know you can't. It can be difficult knowing that someone else gets to see your child everyday. Someone else gets to wipe away their tears, push them on the swings, see them reach new milestones, watch them grow, see their first day at school.

Sometimes you have questions. How is my baby doing? Is she ok? Is she being well looked after? Does she have cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents? Do they love her as if she was their own? Do they tell her about you? Does she understand? Does she know that she is loved and was wanted so much? Will she ever come to find me?

Sometimes you look at other people with kids the same age, and think to yourself "why couldn't it have been them? Why did it have to be me?". Then you hate yourself for thinking that.

Then you start blaming yourself. It was my fault. Maybe I didn't love her enough. Maybe I should have tried harder. Maybe I should have fought harder.

Then you start thinking things that you hate yourself for. Things like "If she hadn't been born I'd have never had to say goodbye". Things like "I wish I'd had an abortion, because then this wouldn't have happened". You hate yourself so much for thinking that. Why would you wish that about the child you carried, and love so much?

Then you start hating your child. You hate her because she calls someone else "mommy". You hate her for being happy, and having a better life than you had. You hate her because she had to leave you and now you have so much pain it's almost unbearable.

Then you hate the Adoptive Parents. You hate them for putting her to bed every night and reading her a bedtime story. You hate them for giving her things you might not have been able to give her yourself. You hate them because they get to see her everyday and you don't. And you hate them because they have your child.

Then you start wondering what they tell her. Do they say I never loved her? Do they tell her that I never wanted her? Do they tell her that I didn't fight for her? Do they tell her that I cried the day I had to say goodbye? Do they tell her that everyday I cry myself to sleep? Do they tell her that I worry so much about her that I can't think straight? Do they even know any of that? Do they tell her why she was adopted? Do they tell her that one day she can come and find me? Do they tell her that I miss her so much? Do they even care?

Then you wonder about what questions she will ask. Will she ask why she doesn't look like them? Will she ask where she came from? Will she ask if I love her? Will she ask if she was wanted? Will she ask how old she was when she got her first teeth, when she first learnt to sit up, what fun things we did together? Will she ask what I look like? What questions will she ask about her fist year that they'll be able to answer? They don't know what made her laugh, what foods she liked, what time she went to bed. Will she ask about her Foster Carer and why they couldn't keep her? Will she ask who she is and be able to have a sense of identity?

Then you think about the times you spent together. The things you did that made her giggle, the toys she liked to play with, how you held her close when she cried. You think about how much she loved playing in the bucket full of balls, reading books, eating croissants and jam for breakfast. You think about how much she grew. You think about what she smelled like. You think about what life would be like if she was still with you.

Then you think about now. How are you REALLY doing? You think about all the people that love and support you. You think about how much time it's taken to grieve. You think about how different life is now, but how much of a hole there is without her. You think about how you wish you could see her just once more, kiss her little face, tell her you love her. Then you smile to yourself as you think about the memories that you have, and how much of a precious gift you had. You smile to yourself that you made such a beautiful person.

Then you think about the future. Will she come to find you? What will it be like to see her again? How will it affect you? You think about the women she'll have become and feel sad that you didn't see her growing up. You think about the things you could do together. You think about the new memories you could make with her. You think about her life. Will she go to uni? Will she have children? Will she find a loving, caring partner who will support her and never hurt her? Will she have grown up happy?

Then you sit down and try to write her a letter that you know you can't send to her. What do you say? I love you. I miss you. I want you back. I wish you were her. I want to hug you. I've always wanted you. You're so precious to me.

You cry tears of pain, sadness and joy. Some days you don' stop crying, others you don['t cry at all.

Then, as time goes by, you don't think about her as much. And you hate yourself. Does this mean you don't love her? Are you forgetting her? Why is this happening?

Sometimes all you can do is hope. Hope that she's ok. Hope that she's being well looked after. Hope that she's happy. Hope that she knows about you and knows how much you love her. Hope she understands why you couldn't keep her. And hope that one day she'll come and find you.

I'm sorry this thread is so long ... I guess I had a lot I needed to get out! I hope it helps other Birth Parents. And I wonder if any other Birth Parents feel the same?

Someone told me to stay strong, and I'm trying. Maybe we can stay strong together ...

 

[helloeveryone]

Just wanted to stop by and say hi....
Your story is so sad, I have just read 21 pages of your diary and it's so sad to read your pain in missing your little girl.

I am a foster carer, just started 2 months ago...I have a 5 month old girl and the moment, I have to write in a contact book,but sometimes I am unsure what to write, as I feel sorry for all the things the birth mum is missing.

Anyway I am here if you want to chat xxxxx

 

[pinkneon]

Just wanted to stop by and say hi....
Your story is so sad, I have just read 21 pages of your diary and it's so sad to read your pain in missing your little girl.

I am a foster carer, just started 2 months ago...I have a 5 month old girl and the moment, I have to write in a contact book,but sometimes I am unsure what to write, as I feel sorry for all the things the birth mum is missing.

Anyway I am here if you want to chat xxxxx

Hey, thanks for your reply

When I was having contact with my daughter whilst she was in Care, the Foster Carer and I had a contact book. She would tell me when my daughter had last been fed - so I knew what time to give her the next bottle - how she'd slept at night, whether she'd been ill, what she'd been doing over the weekend, if she'd learnt something new - like how to crawl - or just if she'd cried all night. I would tell her whenshe'd been fed, if and how long she'd slept, what we'd done together, how she'd been and if I wanted anything in particular for the next contact - for example, when we went to get some professional photos taken, I'd ask for her to be in a certain outfit. My daughter's Foster Carer was nice, and let me do my own thing really. She let me take everything I'd need to contact (milk, bottles etc) and if we were not going to be at the contact center because we were out then we'd agree a place to drop off and pick up. If I bought toys or clothes my daughter would usually wear them and have the toys in her baby bag. The contact book is also very good for the child because whether they go home or are adopted, it's something that is part of their life story. I'm assuming that you've been asked to keep a memory box for the baby you're fostering? If not, it might be worth asking the social worker about it and starting because that will help when she's older. You can put in photos, toys, anything really, and the contact book too. I think the contact book is helpful for the Birth Parent(s) because although they are missing out on so much of everyday life, they can know what the child is doing. Because I saw my daughter 4 times a week, most days we didn't have much to write, but when I'd see her on Mondays there was usually a long paragraph about what she'd done over the weekend, so I didn't feel like I was missing out too much. I hope this helps you in what to write? You can always ask the social worker to help you.
Thanks for stopping by xx