Can he stop me from moving??

[Laura--x]

Long story cut short, my mum moved down to great yarmouth last june, shes got terminal cancer so its a really hard time for us all, shes been staying with me for the past 3 months over xmas and new year but they are due to go back in 2 weeks, and i just dont know when the next time ill see them is

I love it over there, spent 5 months over there last year and life is so much better over there for me and for maisie. Maisies dad IS a big part in her life, has her overnight wednesday and saturday nights, but doesnt pay for her.

We live in birmingham, so its a good 3/3.5 hour car drive from here to yarmouth. I want to move down there so bad, the only thing stopping me is him. I dont know where i stand, what to do, what access he'll entitled too ( he tried saying last year he was going to pick her up and have her at his house for 2 weeks ) which i just cannot do tbh considering hes never had her more than 1 night in one go.

I need advice

 

[daveww]

rather than give you my opinion and what i think ill just tell you what you can legally do then its up to you to make a decision based on that
basically you can move anywhere in the country you want that is entirely up to you , if you choose to move a considerable distance from fob and the fob says u have made it difficult for him to spend time with the child then they may put a order in place where you will eithier have to meet half the travel costs or for you to meet fob half way between your properties. but yes you can move werever you want .. hope this helps

 

[Laura--x]

rather than give you my opinion and what i think ill just tell you what you can legally do then its up to you to make a decision based on that
basically you can move anywhere in the country you want that is entirely up to you , if you choose to move a considerable distance from fob and the fob says u have made it difficult for him to spend time with the child then they may put a order in place where you will eithier have to meet half the travel costs or for you to meet fob half way between your properties. but yes you can move werever you want .. hope this helps

Could i ask your opinion too? From a fathers point of view? Taking into consideration the situation with my mother and how horrible it is being so far away from her ect?

 

[daveww]

well if i was to give my first point of view without havin time to think about the whole situation properly (which would probably influence my view) ... i would certainly see the need for you to be with your family and would want to balance that with the need for me as a father to me with my family .. i.e my child... it would break my heart to think my child is so far away and if my child wanted daddy to give her a cuddle or just take her to the park it realisticly would not be possible and also when it comes to contact all the extra problems it could bring ... this is only my first thoughts not havin time to think about it all properly but i just wanted to answer as best i could

 

[Laura--x]

Ah im so torn i just dont know what to do because i dont want her to be that far away from her dad, but life really is so much better overall for her over there, and she absolutely loves it. Such a difficult situation!

 

[daveww]

at the end of the day you have to do what you think is best ... if you are prepared to make the effort to make sure the fob doesnt miss out and you will ensure that just because you have moved does not affect the time baby spends with fob and will ensure nothing changes in regard to contact . then i cant see any reason why it would not be a good idea if u as a mother thinks its best

 

[LoveMyBugg x]

That'd be difficult. Me and fob aren't on good terms, he's not involved so that'd be easy for me...

How involved is dad??? How is their relationship???

Would he feel okay with this.. with an agreement, maybe leaning towards his wishes a bit more since he'd be sacrifycing alot... maybe you pay more or meet him a little more than halfway and do things to make sure they stay in contact, pics, letters, webcam, etc. sort of thing.. still involve him in all decisions etc. ???

 

[daveww]

feel free to inbox me anytime if you want to chat , i will always give a fathers opinion sometimes its not always nice to hear but if you want to no ill tell you lol

 

[Laura2919]

Difficult one hun. I'm sorry that you've been put in this situation. At face value I would say go because if it was me my mum would win over absolutely everything but I can understand how difficult it will be for your FOB and that taking Maisie away from him will more than likely cause some friction between you. If he is sympathetic he will understand but at the same time your taking away his daughter. It's a no win situation, I still say my mum would rule over FOB but that's because of her situation. I'd want to be close to her and let Maisie spend time with her in order to have memories.

Have you spoken to FOB and are you on good terms. I've only skimmed the over the posts.

I'd get an idea of how much it would cost roughly for him to get to Great Yarmouth from Birmingham. He doesnt pay for Maisie which he should be doing so that might come into consideration for you moving because you could argue that he doesn't pay anything for her so should be able to get his own travel sorted.

Also in my opinion there isn't any way you would be able to stick to him having her every Wednesday and Saturday because it's over 3 hours away from Birmingham but maybe if you suggested him having her every other weekend maybe Thursday to Sunday of that would work or Friday to Monday of you show willing he can't really throw anything at you

 

[Crumbsx]

I'll be completely honest. I'm using my own experience here in order to give you my opinion (my mum had cancer two years ago, it became terminal and she passed away - however I didn't have a LO at the time and we were living together)

Right. As harsh as it sounds, I'd go. I wouldn't even think about it. FOB can see your daughter for her whole life, you can keep him involved in her life. Technology nowadays works wonders: webcam chats, updating him
Via text/emails once a week/month with pictures and information on how LOs doing, making sure he's able to see her regulary and that time is special for her. There are ways as I said, he has years and years to spend time with her.

I'm sorry about your mum it must be horrible for you. It definately go to live there, because as you said it's a better quality of life for you and LO and you'll be with family (which you will NEED for support when/if your mum passes away) but mainly because, you may not have an awful lot of time left with your mum. That's why it's good to spend as much time as possible with her, for you and for her. I think if you didn't move you may regret it if anything were to happen to her.

I'm sorry if I upset you or I'm being horrible, I'm just using my own experiences everyones different though. PM me if you need to talk

 

[Tilliepink]

I lost my mom to cancer 4.5 years ago and I'm telling you right I would have done anything to be with her ( and I was) so I say go.

 

[dustbunny]

I'd go. Sorry but it wouldn't even cross my mind about not going and I don't mean that in a harsh way. I am very close to my mother and if I was close to FOB I would still go to my mother. This is a horrible situation to be in and, not being horrible at all, you only get one chance to say goodbye.
If FOB has any human compassion then he should understand surely? You're not moving out of spite, out of trying to move the children away from him. It is not like you're even going on holiday or going on a jaunt, this is a very serious matter which overrides previous agreements. Also it will give your LO the time to be with their grandmother too and this will also be beneficial for your grandmother to have her family around her.
Birmingham to Yarmouth is 3.5 hours? My FOB would drive that distance [obviously when we were going out] on the pretence of sex... so I find it hard to believe an actively involved FOB who wants to maintain contact would not do the same. Or maybe every other weekend you could meet him half way as a compromise.
As much as I hate to say this but you can not go living your life by what other people want from you. Not just with regards to FOB but in life in general, or you would end up doing nothing... as something is always going to upset someone.

 

[Laura--x]

Thankyou for all your replies.

Last year when my mum and dad moved in june, i went down with them and stayed down there till the end of october. FOB gave me a hell of a time, threatened to take maisie and not bring her back ect and i ended up paying £200 to geta solicitor involved.

He saw lo ONCE out of the whole 5 months i was over there! He promised he'd rig her everyday and i tihnk he rang her 3 times, it was horribel for her Of course after a while she forgot about him, as horrible as that sounds, and when we came back and she went to his for the first time she was screaming her head off cause she didnt want to go. it was horrible cause he made me feel like it was my fault she was like that for going there in the first place

 

[Crumbsx]

That's not nice of him
He definately can't take her, regardless of what he says.

Are you on benefits or on a low income? If so, you could get legal aid and not pay solicitor costs. Then, you could take a residancy order out (I think thats what it is) so he couldn't legally take her anyway and you could get the police involved.

Also if you were entitled to legal aid, I'd suggest getting a solicitor to write FOB a letter stating the times/places your offering him to see LO when you move.

Then he couldn't even take you to court or say your being unreasonable, as your allowing access and giving set time aside for FOB. And if he does like he did last time, that meana he's been offered access and won't accept it. Your being reasonable and he isn't.

So basically, he couldn't mess your daughter about again. It's like a PP said, you can't live your life trying to please others as every decision you make will upset someone. Do what you want, in the best interests of yourself and your LO.

 

[Laura--x]

I didnt realise i could get legal aid at the time, i was so desperate to get things sorted and needed the solicitor asap i just done it. He wrote up a contract and i said fob could have maisie friday-sunday every other weekend at his, then is welcome to come up here and see her whenever he wanted. He agreed to the solicitors letter but still gave me all the crap on texts and through facebook. Saying he could get a solicitor who would knock me to the ground, would make me take maisie to him every week and all this.

Im actually scared of telling him im thinking of moving cause i just really do not want all the hassle!! x

 

[judge12]

Your mum is ill and moving down there too be with her and to have a better quality of life for you and your daughter, hmm I say move.

It's hard but you two can make it work. If fob wants to be in her life, he will be and won't let anything stop him. You have a life to live and so does he, you can't judge your life around him.

 

[Crumbsx]

Ah okay
Maybe save all the texts and Facebook messages if it happens again, like print screen them or just take them into a solicitor as proof of his abusive ways when your trying to do the best in a bad situation
I understand what you mean about all the hassle, it must be a hard situation

 

[Laura2919]

Laura, if you have no court order in place he can take her. I don't wanna scare you.

Lets say he comes to pick Maisie up and on the day he drops her back he says I'm not bringing her back there isn't anything you can do unless you get a court order. If you was to call the police they would only go round to check she is ok, the rest would be settled via a court. It happened to my sisters partner. The police said they couldn't do anything as neither parent had sole custody and they could only go round to check on the child.. my mum also used to work for the police and they see cases like this everyday.

If he is like that and you want to go then I would suggest maybe getting an order in place or asking him to understand

Saying this though there are a lot of stuff that surrounds it, he would only be able to take her in certain circumstances. It gets a bit difficult to understand but it's a massive fight.

 

[Laura--x]

oh no really so he could legaly take her and not bring her back and keep her for as long as he wanted too?

 

[Laura--x]

is there anyone i can go and speak to to get advice and know where i stand and what to do ect? do the cab deal with this sort of stuff or is it just a legal aid solcititor? i dont want any action done yet as i havnt made up my mind 100%, i just want advice x