Can I put myself through this all again??

Discussion in 'TTC After A Loss' started by lintu, Jan 29, 2011.

  1. lintu

    lintu TTC a playmate for DD

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    Hi Guys,

    I'm having a bit of a I dont know lets say crisis of faith :shrug:

    My Hubby and I have been TTC for 12 cycles and was gobsmacked when I finally got my :bfp: in December we were over the moon :happydance::happydance:

    To cut along story short it was confirmed via a second ultrasound Thursday that our lil bean gave up hope around 6 weeks :cry:, I will be 9 weeks on monday but am having a silent pregnancy, everything but baby is growing, the pregnancy sac, placenta everything. So basically i have been in hell the last week, knowing my baby has died but cos im not bleeding and my body hasnt recognised that the baby has died it still thinks im pregnant, and so I am left with morning sickness or should i say all day sickness from hell, boob pain the works and its all for nothing :cry:

    I'm booked in for a D&C Monday couldnt stand to wait for nature to eventually run its course or to have meds to abort i didnt want to drag it out any longer than i have too. I'm dreading Monday I just know i'm going to be a wreck, but the thought of having to go through all of this again especially if i lose it again is tearing me apart.

    I dream about it, I'v told my husband I dont think I can do this again let alone straight away. The Dr has said next time she will request an early scan but i'm so terrified. I honestly thought the hard part was done.

    I really dont know how i'm going to handle monday, right now i'm drifting though the day and the thought of going back to work is torture. To top it all off my SIL is pregnant and is due the week before me so i have that to deal with too.

    Sorry for the long thread girls, just needed to get it off my chest xx
     
  2. mummyk2b

    mummyk2b wtt (investigations)

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    hi lintu

    i'm so sorry to hear about your loss. we were made aware of our mmc on 13th January and had erpc on the same day, so if you need to talk, please message me.

    i've been through what you're feeling at the moment but a couple of days after the procedure i became insanely broody and am now impatient about having to wait until after af to try again.

    i do worry that - as i said on another thread earlier tonight - if i went through this again, i'd end up in a loony bin! we have set a limit already on how many times we can go through this... i just know that the joy of a baby will make this heartache easier to deal with and make any disappointments worthwhile.

    as someone who is still going through this, i can promise you that things will get easier. take some time off work if you think that will help (i had two weeks due to lack of concentration) and talk about how you feel. deal with the loss of this baby before you push yourself to think about having another baby.

    as i said, here if you'd like to talk.

    thinking of you and your husband,
     
  3. Spoomie

    Spoomie Mummy of 1 & TTCAL

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    So sorry for you lintu. Sadly the raw pain and disbelief of what you're feeling will be familiar to all who frequent this forum. I agree with mummyk2b; you don't know how you'll face going through it all again but your desire to be pregnant and to experience the unbridled joy of seeing your baby will prevail and you WILL, in time, feel brave enough to start again. I am currently seeing a 'lost baby' counsellor and her words will ring true to you, I'm sure: having experienced a miscarriage robs you of the innocence and joy of pregnancy. Nonetheless, I'm sure you will do it again when you're ready. I had a 6 week miscarriage before my son was born and after that I would literally hold my breath every time I went to the loo for fear of what I might see. I'm currently recovering from a 12 week miscarriage in November and during that pregnancy I still felt that same apprehension. Sadly, my big nightmare did happen and the pain is immense, but the desire to be pregnant again is too strong to give in and so, please God, I'll be pregnant again soon and going through it all over again. You will be in my thoughts on Monday x
     
  4. croydongirl

    croydongirl Well-Known Member

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    So sorry for your loss. My only words to you would be take time. You don;t need to make any decisions about the future today. Love your husband well, and let him love you as you have to get through Monday. I can't imagine.
    I had 4 m/c last year, and it has been a very difficult journey but we decided to try again this month after a break and are trying to be hopeful. I pray everything goes well for you this week and that you can begin the journey of grieving and healing. Much love to you.
     
  5. Lucia

    Lucia Love my little man!

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    I am very sorry. I have had 4 losses and each one was more painful than the first. It is really hard moving on, but you just have to give yourself time. It will get better - even if it doesn't seem like it now. Definitely take some time off work if you can - maybe a week or two.

    We just started ttc after the last loss in October and as scared as I am to try again, I have to keep faith that it will all turn out somehow.

    :hugs:
     
  6. pinkflamingo

    pinkflamingo Mummy to an angel x

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    I am so sorry for your loss. Our baby stopped growing at 6 weeks too, but we found out a couple of weeks later. Strangely the day after they confirmed the failed pregnancy I had the only morning sickness that I had had, and it was horrendous! i thought nature was pretty cruel.
    I chose to wait for a natural miscarriage and had to wait 8 weeks. It happened at the weekend. It was a horrible wait, and I had booked into hosp for medical intervention last week, but then things started to happen at the last minute and they let me carry on naturally. It was def the right thing for me, and it's important to do the right thing for you, it's just such a personal decision to make.
    As much as going through this has kicked the crap out of me emotionally, I know that my desire to have a baby is way too strong to stop trying. I realise there will always be a risk of miscarriage, but I know in my heart that one day we will be a family.

    Since having my mmc, I have discovered that a lot of my friends have been through the same. They have all gone on to have healthy children and so this gives me positivity and drives me on.

    Give yourself all the time that you need. None of us will never forget this sad time, but happier times are ahead for us all. We must be patient and stay strong.

    xx
     
  7. lintu

    lintu TTC a playmate for DD

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    Than you to everyone who posted, we said good bye today :hugs:

    Well ladies for the first day in 8 weeks I feel like me, it's over proberly shouldnt feel this happy but its a huge weight. I'm so proud of my little self, only cried once today and that is when i got to theatre and i just lost it big time, i got to hospital at 8, went down at 9 and was in recovery at 10.10 at mums by 14.30. Little bit of pain and discomfort but other than that I'm fine, think i'm all cried out. OH just gave me a big hug and said yeahy i have my baby back i'v been really woried about you :hugs: bless him, he has been awesome xxxx
     
  8. glaciergirl

    glaciergirl Well-Known Member

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    BIG hugs to you for being such a strong person. I had a D&C in November and know exactly how devastated you are feeling right now. Sounds like your OH is giving you the support you need right now, so take it easy and be kind to yourself.
    xxx
     
  9. Mel S

    Mel S A little bit pregnant

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    I felt exactly the same as you did in relation to can I go through this again when I first found out but the others are right take some time out and see how you feel then, the pain is too raw at the moment to make any real decisions.
     
  10. Reb S

    Reb S Moving on...

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    Well done, Lintu and lots of hugs. MMC is particularly cruel when you decide to wait for the natural miscarriage and it never comes. I had the same thing and although the ERPC (under local - awful!) was horrible, I like you felt some closure afterwards. Now give yourselves some time to heal and I promise you you will feel like TTC when you are ready x
     
  11. Rowan75

    Rowan75 Mam

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    big hugs hon - so sorry for your loss x

    give yourself time to heal hon - it takes a while and the grief can hit you unexpectedly sometimes :hugs:
     

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