W
whyme
Guest
I don't expect anyone to read this or post a reply - I just need to let off steam and "cry out to cyberspace"
Well, here we go to AF number 3 - arrives 27 days, (26 days last month) and I feel like crap, hormonal as hell, crying one minute and ready to rip someone's head off the next lol.
I have been soooo strong, back into work, out with friends all smiles, people think I am doing ok and yes I am, but I am entitled to have an "off" day or two.
OH, doesn't mean anything, but he doesn't realise - Samantha Cameron, comes on the news, due in September, same as I was, bump just showing and he say's " showing now, look", at the pub the other week, the landlady, nice bump growing - and it's " oh she's pregnant look" I told him today, how I feel, he just didn't realise, I said that I do have eyes and that I hurt very much.
Met up with group of friends recently , two are now pregnant, due couple month's after I was, bump again showing and I smile, " oh congratulations", and again, it bloody hurts.
I would have been finishing work end of june, july, spending the summer with my 3 year old preparing for the new arrival..... my boss has an off day, unusually snaps my head off and I think, i don't even want to be here taking this crap....
Last weekend, in the car with my son at the traffic lights, there is a protest re abortion and there we have a whacking great bloody poster " eight weeks in the womb" - big F off poster of a baby the same age as my lost baby, I was gutted, in my bloody face. I arrive at the shop, text on my phone my step cousin has had a miscarriage and is booked at hospital on Monday - brings all the pain flooding back.
We have just decorated the bigger bedroom for my son, the original plan was to of course move him from the nursery in prep for the new baby, he was to have new furniture etc. As it was, I felt we had promised him a " big boys bedroom" so when shouldn't he still have it in spite of the loss. However, we moved his furniture with him, as I couldn't face a nursery in the waiting, empty - too much pressure. But now I walk into an empty room that should have been waiting for the new baby.....
Today at work, I paint a smile on, good actress, joking with my colleague, and another (constantly snappy grumpy moody cow quite frankly), made some snappy comment - we weren't even talking to her - so I snapped at her, all I said was "was there any need to made such a nasty comment when we were not even talking to you" - she apparently went off crying - sorry to be unsympathetic, but she is constantly rude and I am glad I pulled her up, tough she was in tears...
THis weekend we are away at a wedding, really nice something to look forward to, been out and bought lovely outfit, while my original, maternity dress hangs in the wardrobe, I would have been five months....
And now, AF is here, every month another nail in the coffin, hitting the loss home. I don't know how I feel, disappointed in one hand, this was the first month I felt ready to try so we NTNP , less pressure, but no luck, I am not pregnant. In spite of all my original plans of anti OPK, I have just purchased some clear blue ov. sticks, but I don't know, I can't handle the disappointment each month. I am thinking of coming off this forum, I just don't belong in any section.
Yes, I am wallowing right now, I can't be upbeat and positive all the time, I certainly don't begrudge anyone their happiness and pregnancies, but right now I need to focus on how I feel and what and I can cope with.
Well, here we go to AF number 3 - arrives 27 days, (26 days last month) and I feel like crap, hormonal as hell, crying one minute and ready to rip someone's head off the next lol.
I have been soooo strong, back into work, out with friends all smiles, people think I am doing ok and yes I am, but I am entitled to have an "off" day or two.
OH, doesn't mean anything, but he doesn't realise - Samantha Cameron, comes on the news, due in September, same as I was, bump just showing and he say's " showing now, look", at the pub the other week, the landlady, nice bump growing - and it's " oh she's pregnant look" I told him today, how I feel, he just didn't realise, I said that I do have eyes and that I hurt very much.
Met up with group of friends recently , two are now pregnant, due couple month's after I was, bump again showing and I smile, " oh congratulations", and again, it bloody hurts.
I would have been finishing work end of june, july, spending the summer with my 3 year old preparing for the new arrival..... my boss has an off day, unusually snaps my head off and I think, i don't even want to be here taking this crap....
Last weekend, in the car with my son at the traffic lights, there is a protest re abortion and there we have a whacking great bloody poster " eight weeks in the womb" - big F off poster of a baby the same age as my lost baby, I was gutted, in my bloody face. I arrive at the shop, text on my phone my step cousin has had a miscarriage and is booked at hospital on Monday - brings all the pain flooding back.
We have just decorated the bigger bedroom for my son, the original plan was to of course move him from the nursery in prep for the new baby, he was to have new furniture etc. As it was, I felt we had promised him a " big boys bedroom" so when shouldn't he still have it in spite of the loss. However, we moved his furniture with him, as I couldn't face a nursery in the waiting, empty - too much pressure. But now I walk into an empty room that should have been waiting for the new baby.....
Today at work, I paint a smile on, good actress, joking with my colleague, and another (constantly snappy grumpy moody cow quite frankly), made some snappy comment - we weren't even talking to her - so I snapped at her, all I said was "was there any need to made such a nasty comment when we were not even talking to you" - she apparently went off crying - sorry to be unsympathetic, but she is constantly rude and I am glad I pulled her up, tough she was in tears...
THis weekend we are away at a wedding, really nice something to look forward to, been out and bought lovely outfit, while my original, maternity dress hangs in the wardrobe, I would have been five months....
And now, AF is here, every month another nail in the coffin, hitting the loss home. I don't know how I feel, disappointed in one hand, this was the first month I felt ready to try so we NTNP , less pressure, but no luck, I am not pregnant. In spite of all my original plans of anti OPK, I have just purchased some clear blue ov. sticks, but I don't know, I can't handle the disappointment each month. I am thinking of coming off this forum, I just don't belong in any section.
Yes, I am wallowing right now, I can't be upbeat and positive all the time, I certainly don't begrudge anyone their happiness and pregnancies, but right now I need to focus on how I feel and what and I can cope with.
I know how you feel hunni, my AF will be here tomorrow, bang on time. It sucks, it hurts, and i really hate the world right now. 
